A day like today, often conjures up old injury. Even for those who are not suffering from a traumatic relationship experience, Valentine's Day often can make those who are single, lament the fact that they are, and those who are in un-satisfactory relationships, re-evaluate the status of it. For the rest, it is an obligatory day to express your love via a gift, a dinner out, or with some chocolate. For some couples, they will become engaged this evening, others even married. For some, it will be spent in, a night of candles and lovemaking, for others, they may go out on the town, wining and dining in opulence (even though it is a Sunday.) For those of us involved with disordered people, we can only curiously wonder what celebrating Valentines day is really like. Personally, I've never really enjoyed the day, only because I find it far more romantic to be given a gift because it's just a regular day-and not because someone feels obligated. And when it came to being involved with the disordered, Valentine's Day did become somewhat of a measuring stick of reality for me to gauge just how "real" our "love" was.
Your disordered partner may totally blow off, ignore and do nothing for you on Valentine's Day. Instead, YOU may be the one who goes out of her way to buy an expensive gift, send texts of love and affection, and ask HIM what his plans are for the evening. And you may hear something similar to my sentiment above: That he resents Valentines day, it's just a "hallmark" holiday, and if he should give you anything at all, it is a cheap, generic classic gift of a card and a small box of cheap chocolates. Perhaps a gas station rose. This, you should be satisfied with-after all, it's the thought that counts, and hey, he even did something for you, right? At least that's his mind set.
Of course, he is expectantly waiting for you to shower him with love, affection, gifts, treats and the like, and to be available to him to give him a body massage, a rub down with candles, to make him or take him for a wonderful meal, to dress in your finest lingerie and be a willing concubine for V-day. Because he knows YOU love HIM. He expects this. Even if he protests to the contrary-he will at least expect you to show some attention, effort and even beg, pout or be angry if he in fact, has other plans in mind for Valentines day, or if he just seems to want to boycott it. He may even say that it's just not romantic enough since it is an expectation, and he will surprise you someday when you least expect it with the most romantic evening on Earth.
You know, when he's got more money, he's less stressed out, he's feeling better, or, "if the two of you stay nice for awhile."
Like every holiday, birthday, anniversary and the like with the disordered partner-the nights usually end up in some sort of fight and drama if you do spend time with them, or, the nights don't happen at all. If in fact you had a good holiday, birthday etc with him at some point early in your relationship, you dwell on that time and wonder what was it that changed? What have YOU done wrong? Has his feelings changed? He used to be so romantic.
As been said so often.....they just can't maintain the "good" for very long. They give it the first times you have these special days that come in your relationship-and you rarely if ever, see it again.
Even when you are not with him anymore, the memories of these holidays and the like can remain, and it because an odd thing, when other people in your life actually a) recognize you on these days and b) do something for YOU. Because we are so accustomed to it being the other way around.
Today is a day of Love. Love is not limited to men we date or marry. Love is there for our kids, friends, our family, our pets, the sun, the Earth, chocolate, and most importantly-ourselves.
I urge you today to be your OWN valentine. Do something special for YOU. A bubble bath, treat yourself to chocolates, and go rent a horror movie LOL. Get yourself a diamond. You would've probably spent money you didn't have to make him happy-so do it for you. Call the friends and family you love, and remember how special you are, no matter what man is or isn't in your life anymore. The road to loving ourselves again, and learning how to love in a healthy way can often seem long and un-attainable, but healing comes and you will realize that YOUR ability to love is the best gift of this day that you can have.
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