Book and Website Recommendation if you don't think they are "psycho"

If you have read my blog, then you know that I'm pretty hard-core about the personality disorders that create these sorts of people and toxic relationships.

Im also very aware that many people struggle with doing the same, that is, they aren't ready to concede that the men or women they are involved with, are "psychopaths", "sociopaths" or "narcissists." Though I have blogged many times about how we cannot rely on the media to label what abusive people really look like and act like, some women still think that because the men in their lives can sometimes show loving traits (often to everyone BUT them), can be endearing and actually do good in this world, that they are not "evil" and not emotionally dangerous in the long run.

In enters my recommendation, which is the website called "Baggage Reclaim", by Natalie Lue. Having found herself in one too many of these kinds of relationships, Natalie began blogging 5 years ago and has become an e-book author, and workshop producer(both physical and online) helping women all over the world identify what she calls "assclowns"-or more benignly than me-"Emotionally Unavailable."

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Labels are not so important. The behaviors, the words, the deeds and the resulting pain, unhappiness, confusion and damage, is. As I have stated before-just like there are varying degrees of physical illness, perhaps there are varying degrees of mental illness so while your "psycho" may never kill someone and treats children amazingly well-this doesn't mean that you should continue to attempt the one-sided and drama, pain-ridden relationships that these types offer. "Emotionally Unavailable" is in fact, the nutshell that drives ALL of the games that I myself have written of, which Natalie also has written extensively about, and in greater detail than I.

She also takes it a step further and begins where I left off: She helps you learn how to heal from it, recover yourself and ensure you wont ever find a man like this again-and if you do, you won't want or stick around for it.

With amazing clarity and insight, Natalie takes you through your own mind and has you ask yourself some pointed questions for soul searching, of how these men inflitrate and why you may allow it to happen.

The first time it happens, you are a victim. Unfortunately, the damage done by just one of these relationships sets you up to keep attracting them over and over again. Natalie-known as NML-helps us to figure out how that happens, and what we can do about it-the key to it all being that WE have become "emotionally unavailable."

The psychology is logical and makes perfect sense-and shes not a therapist, shes just been thru it. Like me. They cant teach this stuff as well in textbooks, anyway-if you want to know how to do something, you need to go to the sources who have DONE it.

Natalies latest e-book-"Mr. Unavailable and the Fall-Back Girl", helps you recognize the emotionally-devoid men, and how we end up being a "fall back girl", and why it is we accept this role.

From diving into old hurts, to old patterns, to self-esteem issues and our own emotional avoidance of intimacy-Natalie truly tells you like it is. More importantly, she gently and compassionately helps you to tell YOURSELF how it is.

This website and her subsequent books are not for the faint of heart. It requires soul-searching, inner work and a true desire to heal and move on to find the love and good that we deserve. Nothing good comes easily yet the rewards for the task, the empowerment and the hope that her work will and has accomplished for women all over the world speak for themselves-and she is living proof as she is with a wonderful man and has 2 children by him-after years of struggling with painful, emotionally abusive and as she states, "assclowns."

Natalie also offers many FREE mini-ebooks and worksheets, and goes into the subject of "No Contact" so in-depth, that she wrote a book AND offers free 30-day emails to help you get thru that first month of it. Amazing!

I urge everyone to go over to her site. I've covered the basics here comparatively, and hope that I have opened one eye for people. NML will open both of the eyes WIDE and keep them open, and is the Visine to get the red out. Please support her works-for your OWN good!!!

*I do not personally know Ms. Lue and there is no sort of compensation for my "endorsement" here. She simply has devoted her life and energy to this subject and deserves it, and not only that-would be exactly the kind of thing I would continue to blog. Except I don't have to-shes done all the work for me! :)

So you married the psycho, final part

This is a man that if you ask him to paint a room he won’t-but he will wallpaper your entire house and then tell you how much you like it, make you feel bad for all the effort and hard work he went into “making you happy” if you don’t, and now you are suitably distracted from the fact that he’s a leech in your life.

You better believe, what’s yours is his but the opposite is not true. Whatever you buy, his name is on it too, and he will actually believe that it IS his, even if he made very little contributions to it. But when he spends money and gets something great for himself-say a fancy car, motorcycle or “toy”-your name is nowhere to be found. That’s HIS.

One girlfriend of mine waited months for her husband to fix up the basement. She finally ended up doing it. Spent 16 hours and damn near broke her back. When she was done, her husband said “Good job.” She told me that was the nicest thing he has said to her in years. He then retreated to the bedroom-and left the door open.(They had been sleeping in separate rooms for quite awhile now).
As we had coffee together, we laughed at this-because it seemed that he was now willing to “reward” her for all of her hard work, by offering himself to her. She didn’t take the bait. The next day, he was raging at her for spending too much time on a social networking site online, as it was obviously taking away from her priorities of family. Puleeze.

If you had all the above in your relationship, when its over, it could be years before its all sorted out and you have picked up the pieces and tried to minimize the damage from it all. Your credit may be ruined, material items stolen or lost, your children hurt and angry, your families not understanding the true nature of what you’ve gone through. Your divorce may have been or will be, very ugly, indeed.

And with psychological abuse, it is difficult to find anyone who can truly understand the depths of the mind games and controlling he’s done...unless they've been through it themselves.
He seems to be the winner in it all-its no secret that even professionals such as therapist and psychiatrist, marriage counselors and judges can also be manipulated and easily swayed by this man-especially if he is a successful narcissist, which many are. The money, glamour, success in business, the worldly sophistication or station in life- is all more covert ways to cover up his ability to abuse.

Yet you know that things are not always as they seem. We ALL know this, all we have to do is turn on the news for validation to this. Serial killers who made sick kids in hospitals laugh. Cops who served and protected the community whose wives end up dead and missing. Teachers who were well respected by their peers molesting students. All over society, we see the real psychos finally get theirs as the truth is revealed-and yet there will ALWAYS be those who don’t believe…..Scott Peterson and OJ Simpson come to mind. These are murderers-and yet you can’t convince the world of their guilt, hell, some people still deny the Holocaust-so how can you, someone still standing, someone still alive, ever be able to convince anyone of the murdering of your heart and soul, the raping of your mind?

Once divorced, if you had kids and are now remarried, he will protest your wishes, he will come around “for the kids” more often-but its not for the kids, its just to affect you. Just to say “I’m still here, and I ain’t going anywhere”. He will attempt to sabotage any attempts for you to be happy by forcing you to have to deal with him, the kids being the only avenue to do so. The more you ignore this, the closer he’ll get. He’s even stupid enough to not pay child support, just to make you have to come after him. It is still a pay off for him to have your attention, even if it means that he has to put himself through a ringer. In his mind, if you should come after him-he will just plunk down all the money he owes you, and be satisfied that you had to chase after it, beg and waste your time getting it, that you had to WAIT

Yet this is the same guy, while behaving this way, that will tell you to leave him alone, he doesn’t want to talk to you, should you ever be confrontational with him. He will smugly brag at how “so and so has called a bunch of times to apologize, and I’m not answering” or “so and so just called me, and I didn’t answer.” They want you to chase, to beg, to plead or even tell them off-because it is attention. These men have the ability to delay your period with how much stress they generate.

If after your divorce you want to move away from him, or just in general, he will never allow it and will assert his rights as a father to be near his children-even if the move is in their best interest. He will defy your discipline, allowing the kids to do thing he knows you wouldn’t approve of, just so you have reason to call him and complain, because ANY attention, even negative, is better than being ignored. While he has no qualms about ignoring anyone else, ignoring him is not something he’s okay with. And it won’t always be outright stalking, either. He will just maneuver himself to be seen or heard of. He will show up at bars you are at. He will use the same auto mechanic as you. He will shop in the same stores as you. He will accidentally “bump” into you. And if you should innocently accidentally run into him, not even thinking about him-he will accuse YOU of this behavior. He will think you followed him, are stalking him, are WATCHING him…because that’s what HE does to the women who leave him standing in the dust, who he knows he’s used up, or who have STOOD up to him.

He will make it truly difficult for you to get away from him entirely because he will begin to hang out with mutual friends so you “hear” about him, he will wait for you to delete him from social online accounts but he won’t do it himself, and if all else fails or he is unable to track you down this way, he will simply call you again. Period.

If you are divorcing a psycho and you have children with him, pray, and get attorneys and counselors well versed in narcissism and most importantly, document, document. And don't think you have to have contact with him. Just because you have children together does not mean that you are forced to have to deal with him. Mediators, email only works very well, until the children are old enough that you needn't really speak to him at all. But don't count on him sitting back and accepting that. Lovefraud.com has a terrific set of resources available (and others who have dealt with divorcing a psychopath, sociopath and/or narcissist) so please look there for further advice/resources/support on dealing with this type of person during a divorce :)