Confrontation

Is not something these guys handle well. I finally could take no more, as the cracks in my denial were breaking down. Everything on the list is something that at one point or another, I had tried discussing with him.

Why would he make promises, and within 24 hours, break them? Why would he make plans with me, and then some "excuse", usually bullshit, would arise and subsequently, he'd end up breaking plans? Why would he say he'd be calling, coming over or seeing me, and blow me off? Why would he not answer me, if I called? Why would text be ignored? Why when I did something for him, he wouldn't acknowledge it, or thank me? And that's the short list.

And why, when I would try to discuss it, would he stonewall me, get defensive or somehow blame me? When I found the list, I felt somewhat vindicated. Here was a social worker who for 25 years had studied the personality disordered, and now not only were his behaviors listed in black and white-but even given a label. I don't know about you, but if someone showed me a list of my wrongdoing and labeled it "sociopath"-I'd want to clear the air real quick if I wasn't.

I emailed him the list. I don't recall how we ended up on the phone-if he called me after receiving it, or I contacted him to see if he had-but we ended up on the phone where I was pretty much on fire. I demanded that he talk to me about this. I was pretty freaked out-basically saying "What, are you really a sociopath? Look at this. How can you deny this?" He went on to say that he wouldn't talk to me right now, because I was "too angry." He said that from prior experience with his ex-wife and others, that talking right now while I was so upset was just going to lead to bigger fights and that "we will just end up hating each other more." He remained calm and continued to say that he DID want to talk about it with me, just NOT RIGHT NOW.

I managed to calm down enough to say "Ok, I won't yell. I will remain calm. But I want to discuss this now." He got angry and told me to not "patronize him." He absolutely refused to discuss this with me, and as you see, blamed my anger and upset as to why. I simply wasnt calm enough. He started to get loud and said "I am not that bad. Wait, okay, I have been this guy to you. Do you think I WANT to be this guy to you? I don't know why I am. I've been worse to you than I have anyone else, and I don't know why. When I figure it out, I'll let you know." He then texted me and said "Man, this is hard, because I never showed you any good side of me. I need to think about this because I just seem to screw things up more, whenever I open my mouth"-or something to that effect. Said "I have something to do, but I will call you in an hour."

An hour later, he TEXTS me again, with another excuse, with him needing time to think things over and to figure out a way to explain. Basically did everything he could to avoid, evade and blow off all I was saying. There seemed to be some admission that he did many of the things on the list-but with the explanation of "I don't know why." There wasn't an "Im sorry." There wasn't a shock or seemingly being appalled like "OMG, I can't believe this, a sociopath? No no that's not true, let's get together and really talk this out, it really bothers me that you think this, yes, I've been a jerk, but blah blah...." In fact, even in the FACE of his behaviors....he CONTINUED to do what he always had done. Controlled the argument, wouldn't talk to me when I NEEDED to, blamed my reactions and my anger for why, said he'd do something and didn't do it, avoided, skirted and just didn't seem to care. Even went so far as to blame it on some alter ego, as opposed to taking any real responsibility for it......was defensive and certainly showed no sense of remorse or upset that it had reached this point.

Believe it or not.....this was not the end with us, either. He really got me convinced that it would be better to discuss it when cooler heads prevailed. Again, he had me feeling as if I was over-reacting. I just found a list of traits of a friggin' SOCIOPATH-and he fit them ALL-yet, I'm OVER REACTING. Like I said, if someone was saying I was a sociopath.....Id be a lot more concerned than he ever showed. All the talk of "I really care about what you think of me" seemed to fly out the window, when I seemed to think he was a sociopath.

Even with that-I still wasn't convinced at the time. Amazing, isn't it?

Game #8.5 con't......Arguing, and poisoning your well

So now he's disappointed you, blown you off, acted moody, seems distance, seems up to stuff, shutting you out, after showering you with attention and affection, implying commitment, care and adoration of you. He's told you of some issues in his life as "excuses", and you have bought into them-and by this time, have offered to help. Perhaps by this time, you have lent him money, housed him, bought him stuff, paid some bills, were extra sweet, nice and understanding and when he's let you down again, you've "let it slide." 

The part of you that worries and feels insecure about this, questions him and what he wants from you. You'd rather him just be honest and say he's not feeling it anymore-but he denies this and says it's not you, it's him, perhaps even, he needs some time. When you have argued, it gets twisted back to you, so now you question yourself: Am I being too impatient? Too insecure? Too demanding, nosy, jealous, clingy, possesive, sensitive? This is where he wants you. Yet you still desire to communicate with him, in hopes to make your relationship better. Since he's made it very clear that he doesn't INTEND on hurting you, and that you must be misunderstanding HIM....

    After he has been defensive and shutting down your needs, wants, feelings, questions, concerns and doubts and given endless excuses for why he cannot take it to a “next level“-a cooling off period ensues where he won’t call or talk for a few days….and then when he does, he acts as though nothing is wrong. He’s miffed and confused if you don’t go along with the charade that everything is fine. 

When you don’t greet him with cheerfulness or sound happy with him, if you should mention that you are still upset about the prior conversation-he wants you to feel stupid about that, too. Then you get the “Are you still mad? What is the problem, it’s not a big deal. I’ve told you over and over how I feel about you and what I am looking for from you. Why can’t you get that, and just let it go already? If I have to keep explaining and proving myself over and over, it won’t be the same. If you don’t trust what I say is true, then why even bother?” Except for this: 

He has never told you over and over how he’s felt or what he’s wanted. That’s why your asking so much now! To an abuser, the “past” is five minutes ago. He doesn’t tolerate you bringing up anything prior to that five minutes. If you do, you are accused of “re-hashing”, “what are you talking about, I don’t even remember that” or similar veins of you are ridiculous to be holding the past against him still, “you sound like my mother who still throws things in my face that I did when I was 15,” or some other indicator that you are a resentment holder, you can’t let go of yesterday, and how can he possibly feel comfortable moving forward with you, when you are so clearly rooted in making him pay for his past mistakes over and over again? 

Yet you realize that he hasn’t done anything to “show” that he’s sorry for any past hurts, in fact, the same behaviors that upset you in the past, are still continuing today, even though he may have cleaned up his act for a brief time so he can now claim that you have no right to be upset about “before”, because he’s shown he’s changed. This show of change may have last only a few weeks, if that.

    You are so gob smacked after these encounters, that you replay it over and over in your mind. You continue to doubt yourself. “Maybe I am being too oversensitive/angry/hysterical/demanding/pushy. Maybe he’s right and that if I don’t get what I want right away when I ask for it, I throw a temper-tantrum. Maybe he’s right that my approach is wrong, it’s bad timing, or that I shouldn’t suspect things without evidence or proof. I am a resentment holder unable to forgive.” You do this, because you are capable of something he is not-introspection. You are now experiencing poison in your well. The brainwashing has begun.