Here's a thank you to my Psycho

(I wrote this before I started blogging.....I didn't want to forget.)

Thank You for explaining over the phone to me how much you have changed and that you would not be a jerk to me, no matter how things end up. And for making plans to see me after not talking/seeing me for so long, littered with what seemed to be regret. For telling me that I will see that you are different, you are humble now, and you had felt so bad about how you had treated me in the past and that I did nothing wrong, it was all your problems and you wanted me to know that.

Thank You for then the very next night, text messaging me telling me to help you with your hard-on. I hadn’t seen you-after you treated me horribly in the past-but thanks for putting me right back into the slut mode…which reminded me that I need to

Thank You for telling me with a smile on your face the night you took my birthday pictures that I was a slut, and “what, it’s not like you are a whore, it’s not like you get paid.”

Thank You for then making plans to see me, and then precede to finally text me 2 hours after we were supposed to meet with a creative story of your sister spilling drinks both hers and your phones, running around trying to find my house and forgetting my email. Thanks for again showing me the respect of calling me as opposed to texting me, because that reminds me to

Thank You for when you took off with the money that I was supposed to only be lending you for 4 days, (but ended up being 3 weeks) and you’d text me with things like your ankle hurting so you couldn’t come pay me. In other words, thanks for always lying to me via text messages, and not on the phone.

Thank You for then showing up and telling me that “there are women I should’ve treated like that and didn’t, and you aren’t one of them.” Shortly after that is when you came by to use me for a hot shower (your gas was off), have sex with me and then borrow money from me that you made me chase down…..thanks for calling me a “psycho stalker” because I was chasing down my money, this coming from a guy who wasn’t able to stop by my work because he was pissed off someone owed HIM money and you didn't like “chasing down my money.”

Thank You for after you came by with your excuse not to pay me (but not with my money)-thanks for stopping by only because you felt there was a threat to you. Thank you for reducing me to the low of feeling that I had to hit the only nerve that works on you-the fear of bodily harm/looking bad to others-,never in order to get the explanation I deserved.

Thank You for also asking me when I ran into you after 2 years, what my age is, then exclaiming “I thought you were older”-which is the exact same thing you said to me the first night we hung out. Believe me, a woman doesn’t forget it when a man insults her like that. You did, twice. So thank you for making me instantly feel insecure and un-desirable. Even when you went on to brag about how much you are into "older women". Thanks for leaving out that you ex wanted to label you a sex offender the rest of your life. Not typically cuz men like "older".

Thank You for all the times that you belittled me and made me feel there was something wrong with me, to the point of me feeling so bad about myself and of being accused of being a bad person, that I felt like I had to “prove” myself by Xeroxing at least 75 cards and letters from people saying how great a person and friend I am.

Thank You for finally giving me an explanation after withholding it from me for so long (even with 3 different times texting me and asking me if you could see me the next night to GIVE an explanation)-again, only after you felt a threat to your personal well being and “reputation.”

Thank You for then using and twisting that against me, exclaiming that I must be evil, etc to do such a thing. Thank You for conditioning me and teaching me that to get what I want from you, I have to stoop to a shitty level of intimidation and threats. In other words, your level.

Thank You for then holding that against me.

Thank You, for mentioning and continuing to hold against me when I stopped by your house with a friend -to drop off a birthday present for you-how much of a stalker and crazy that was. Thank you for continuing to use that as an excuse for why you were a jerk. Thank you for hiding the fact that it was actually YOU that had a restraining order-for STALKING. And intimidating your kids.

Speaking of, Thank You for yelling at me to go have a garage sale, after I offered to give your kids toys that my kids wouldn’t use.

And speaking of giving, Thank You for always mentioning the help and favors you’d give to others, like your ex-wife. You know, how great you are to everyone else. But Thank You for showing me that you are also as selfish with them as you are me,when you "stopped" your ex from moving 25 minutes away, because God forbid you'd have to drive out of your way. Oooh, yeah, you “won” that one.

Thank You for always pointing out the things you didn’t/don’t like about me. But telling me how great all the other women in your life were. Even the ones that up and abruptly never spoke to you again, even when you tried. Yep-that one IS smarter than me.

Thank You for pointing out that your sister took her ex’s shit for 16 years and" who does he think he is to just be all talk, you have to SHOW that you’ve changed"-and then turning around and asking me to “take you without question, no analytical bullshit or comparing because if I have to constantly prove, it won’t be the same.”

Thank You for showing absolutely no patience, tolerance or understanding to just how hurtful you were and why I might not trust/believe/jump into something with you.

Thank You for taking out on me the fact that other women hurt you. And telling me that I need to be patient and I should be understanding because YOUR heart isn’t together yet. Meanwhile thanks for ignoring and neglecting to ask me about my past relationships, or why it is that it didn’t work out or what was going on with MY heart.

But thank you for making me feel like I’m a charity case and need YOUR attention and for you to be “nice” to me. By telling me you think I’m hot- then blowing me off. Thank You then for also consistently blowing me off, and then telling me that you have to test ME, since YOU don’t want to settle. So thank you for treating me like a piece of shit all the time I’ve known you, and then making me feel as if I have to prove my worth to YOU.

Thank You for all the head games you have played with me, designed to make me doubt myself. You would lie about things that in a normal interaction, no one would be upset about, such as a friend not going out of town, or kids needing something. Thank you for picking things that make me look crazy if I react in anger to. That way, you can tell the world “she’s crazy, she got pissed”-but WE both know you were lying to me, so I’m anything BUT crazy.

And thank you for after you DID fuck with my head for so long and treat me like crap, telling your drug dealer that I’m crazy and you want nothing to do with me and that I won’t leave you alone. Funny thing-none of those people liked you much. You know its bad when your own drug dealer says "There's something wrong with that guy, he lies all the time!". Which is why I even KNOW you said that. They think you're full of shit.....long before I did.

But thank you for continuing to use and kill yourself slowly with using cocaine with your kids in your life-but being willing to stop for other women temporarily. ..as I googled and Binged a way to try and find you support, treatment, supplements to ease withdrawal, compatible meds, and spoke to doctors on your behalf.....but I am the one that is making you do it.

Thank You for trying to make me feel insecure to hide your own failings. Thanks for trying to twist it on me and blame me or make me feel bad for YOUR dysfunction. Sexual, that is.

Thank You for the times that you tried endlessly to make me doubt myself and also by comparing me to other women.This reminds me that I never thanked you For the times that you told me if I had reacted the way SHE would've, you would’ve been with me and not her. She being your ex-"fuck buddy". I mean, you told me that she was your girlfriend. Many times, you described her as your "girlfriend." But when she'd keep leaving you for others, you'd then tell me that "I just said girlfriend to make you go away. She was never my girlfriend. You read into that. She was a fuck buddy at best." Of course, you tell me all about her-AFTER I got involved with you and thought you were unattached.

For when you texted me and told me that SHE knew you better than anyone (minus the coke abuse, of course-only in past tense, I’m sure)-and knew after your divorce your heart was fragile. In other words, you hoped that I would become insecure, and if I wanted you to want me, I’d better act like she did and then I might “win” your heart.

Thank you for contradicting that when you reminded me that she was going to take you to court. Yeah, next time, I WILL react like that.

Thank You for again reminding me that you lost number one so now you have to learn to like number 2. Remember telling me that?

Thank You for sharing with me how you did 10k worth of work to a woman's home, you did this, that and the other for your "buddies", you helped your ex fix her plumbing, her bike... because that’s what you do when you are with someone. However, I DO really want to thank you for all the things you’ve done for me, favors, being there. Like after I said I could use a friend to talk, your text of “I’m sorry but I can’t be in your life.”

Thank You for spending two hours on the phone with me, telling me that I'm different, I'm special, you want me in your life, you want it to be right, etc......and then telling me later that you "just said what you wanted to hear, I didn't want things to go icky."

Thank You for having a very short-term and convenient memory and remembering things only how YOU want to. Thanks for telling me how I represent what you want and it scares you, how no one has ever turned you on like I have, this, that and the other thing-and showing the exact opposite of that all.

Thank You for showing me that I “wasn’t getting it” because I GOT it now.

Thank You for texting me and telling me you had" a 7 min explanation for me and I have to come see you tomorrow" about why you are the way you are-and then went on to talk sex, of course-and then didn’t get my text with my new address. TWICE. But got the 25 other texts that went back and forth between us.

Thank You for only calling me ONCE when you said you would, and not calling about 25 times when you said you would.

Thanks for continuing to call and text while I am trying to sleep in the middle of the night, when I WOULD like you to STOP.

Thank You for not answering simple questions when I would text, like to say hi, or send a joke. Thanks for being oh so understanding, if I didn't answer YOU right away.

Thank You for never taking an interest or asking any questions about me or my life.But thank you for monopolizing all my time with talks about yourself and your own problems.

Thank You for showing me that your contemptuous nature, and your petty hatred and bullshit is not just limited to me. You showed me that ANYONE that doesn’t give you what you want, deserves to get fucked over by you.

Thank You for then accusing ME of being evil, plotting evil or otherwise revengeful, as you texted me and told me “Payback is a bitch.”-When you thought I was out to get you. Yes, how DO you go from caring and wanting and then losing all respect???

Thank you for helping me realize that it’s people like you that DESERVE it. But you already know that, don’t you?

Thank You for being as pathetic and ridiculous as you’ve been, because I can clearly see now that it’s not MY self-esteem that has been burdened. Only someone who hates themselves, who walks around with shame and disgust over themselves, can be so cruel and unusual to someone who ONLY wanted to reach out and to be some sort of a friend.

Thank You for appreciating the fact that at one time I DID really care for you.

Thank you for "testing" that to the point where I just CANT anymore.

Thank you for making me feel that you are so fucking special that I HAVE to bend over backwards to prove anything to you, because the mere fact that I even put up with any of your bullshit shows that I did.

Thank You for acknowledging that I was trying to save your life with giving you the book about coke addiction, giving you the L-Theanine to help with the craves, and just wanted to be there because I felt your hurt and wanted to help BUILD YOU UP, not KNOCK YOU DOWN.

But payback’s a bitch, right?

Thank You for thinking that I’m so shallow and insecure that all I need is some bullshit sexual crap thrown at me to “feel good” and to make up for any of it.

Thank you for showing me what you have.....because there is a whole group of you jerks out there that are damaging spirits, harming souls and breaking hearts, devastating bank accounts, scarring children, traumatizing future abilities to be in relationships-that only education can help a woman to avoid. It took me 5 years, but...... Did I pass the "test" now? I'm pretty sure I've now Ace'd this course. You however.....FAIL.

I know I must be leaving things out, as there is just SO MUCH to thank you for......

"I wish I could hate him"......

You saw him only when he wanted to see you, heard from him only when he felt like calling, was replied to only when he got around to it, got his attention and affection on his timeline and his schedule.

Voicemails got “accidentally erased.” Text messages “didn’t come thru”, or “I deleted them and didn’t even open them.” Emails went unanswered or “really, I didn’t even get it.”

He would stonewall and give you the silent treatment in person.

You rarely got a please and thank you.

He’d refuse to converse…and this was before you may have had any “rage”. It’s what led you to your anger!

When he could pencil you in.... Your life together became a calendar called “HIS WANTS AND NEEDS” and you scheduled your life accordingly.

If you instigated any contact he was always too busy, unable to do, would do later, or you simply weren’t answered at all. So you stopped. You stopped calling, texting, emailing, sharing. You let him come to you. That’s how he knew he had you-because you accepted this one way interaction.

And when you complained about it or confronted him on it, he did a disappearing act. It became an unspoken agreement that if you want him in your life at all, it is only when he makes the effort to find you and reach out to you that you can have him-and he will assume that you will always be available…..sadly, because you always have been.

So willing to take his tidbits of affection and attention, you run after the bone he’s thrown you like a cute puppy dog just to have your chance. Maybe NOW he will talk to you/love on you/make love to you/be good to you.

And of course, because you want to remind him of how great you are, you make sure you look extra good. You will blow off your plans with friends, change your plans and no matter what your day, how you feel, what time it is, what the weather….when he wants you, you are there.

He gives not a thought to what you are actually doing. I was working in an ER giving CPR to a heart attack victim when mine kept texting and was pissed off because I wasn’t responding fast enough! They don’t seem to acknowledge or care that you have a life outside of them, you are busy doing things for yourself, that you are actually out doing good things for the world, and that they might be intruding or interrupting you, or that you don’t feel like interacting at the time. That concept is foreign to them and unfortunately again, they set the trap and you nibble the cheese.

Your desire for this to work, to be different, to not be the abuse your heart is recognizing it is, responds right away, calls back right way, answers the phone right away and rushes to see him right away and typically, its you going to him. He rarely if ever has made the effort to come to you unless he really has to, like you have a young child or children at home that you can’t leave, or he has something in his home going on he doesn’t want you to know about, (like a wife or girlfriend.)

So you rush to his beck and call, losing his respect (though that’s a misnomer, as he’s never had any for you to begin with, or what little he did when he at first had you on a pedestal- he quickly lost) and you lose respect for yourself.

Just because you wanted to date him and get to know him or even marry him, didn’t mean that you wanted to end up addicted to him and emotionally battered in any way by him, you didn’t want to have to live with it and if married- for the rest of your life. And had you known what he was about?-You wouldn’t of chose him.

Isn’t this pissing you off now?