HAUNTED

It's been a long time since I first began this blog. Almost 2 years. The anger and venom that fueled the writings has been replaced by acceptance. However, there is still a mourning in my heart for that which I still don't understand. Both in him.....and in myself.

Lately I have been having a series of dreams about him. In one dream, we were getting along great, and he was loving and sweet, just as I wished him to always be. He apologized-and meant it.

I remember waking that morning, feeling very sad...because it was only a dream.

Now I have been having dreams, where he is hurting me again. Last night, we were in a courtroom for some reason-and him screaming at me "I am dead to you now!"

My thoughts have been pre-occupied again by this "relationship". I still feel such a sadness that it all went down as it did. I still struggle with the crazy that both he and I exhibited. Mostly, I wonder: Was I wrong? I am still plagued with doubt as I wonder if I didn't villify him and he really is just troubled, rather than abusive. Though I know intellectually in my heart the truth-he was very emotionally abusive to me-still, I wonder.

In the dream last night, he was madly in love with another. He treated her, well. I still pause and wonder just what is was about this man I was so drawn to-and indeed, was it just having feelings for a projection of who I wished he'd turn out to be?

I wonder what he thinks. I wonder, if he still "hates" me, blames me, and says to himself "I was shitty BUT..." and finding some justification for his behavior. I wonder if he's changed. I wonder if he feels bad. I wonder if he is healthy and got help for his addiction problem. I wonder wonder wonder-and I don't want to. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. Some things are just so broken they can never be fixed. Yet I still ask myself. Does he wonder about me. Does he really "hate" me? Has time tempered his resentment, does he understand why I did what I did? Or am I still just "crazy."

I try not to think of the cruelity, the manipulation and the things he said to lower my self-esteem. I try to NOT think so much about how the hell anyone could violently reject someone's overtures of care, in favor of abuse. I wonder if he really just doesn't like women. Not that he is gay, but just seriously resents women. Given his history with them-not just with me-it would appear so. Some men seem to seriously resent the "power" of women, the power and dependency they feel for them-and just turn to objectify them.

I know that he isn't emotionally okay-that's why it was the way it was. I know, there was nothing I could or couldn't do to change that, and I try and accept, that I will mostly likely never understand it. Still, I wonder how he looks back at it all. I wonder, if the exposure of him to others and the pulling back of the curtain to reveal the little man behind it-as hard as he tried to "isolate" me-I wonder if it had an affect. But that would mean he would've had to have really cared about me in the first place, to be able to say "My God, I'd better get my shit together, I really fucked a good person up and that sucks." See-he had told me that once before. And went on to be WORSE than he ever was to me.

I don't understand how some of these people can have such a hold and a remarkable effect. And I can't forget how it was that I felt about him. It doesn't happen to me often. I hate the fact that I still find him physically attractive, though I would never act on it. I hate that I felt love for someone who simply didn't give a shit....yet led me on to believe that on some level, he cared TOO MUCH and THAT's why he treated me as he did. I'd like to believe that.

But only in my dreams.

I still fantasize sometimes, about closure I will never get. I know that I needed this somehow-because NO MAN will be able to do this to me again. I healed my wounds, I raised my self-esteem, and I heed the red flags. I've changed the things in me, that lets a guy like that in to be shitty. And not in a guarded, "never gunna trust anyone ever again fuck love" kind of a way, but in a way that honors myself. I get to know my crazy now. I take things slow. I don't jump into bed. Should I have a "booty call" encounter-as infrequent as that is-I walk away from it when it's over. I don't fool myself into thinking that a relationship can now spring forth from getting it in with someone I don't know.

I know what I want. I am continuing to work on myself and better myself, so I can attract a higher quality of man. For the relationship I deserve. I don't want to be fucked-I want someone to make love to me. I don't want an "escape"-I've had those relationships, too, where its all fun, games, great sex and good times-and nothing real about it. I want something honest, fufiling and meaningful-and for someone to love me FOR ME. Not my body, not my sex, not the favors I can do, or the people I know, or what they can get from me, or any other reason other than, its just ME.

Its scary in the world of dating-there's a lot of "psychos" out there. There's many, MANY emotionally unavailable people, whether they are conscious of it or not. There's a lot to risk but I am willing to risk it-FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. My standards are higher, I'm picky as hell-and I have boundaries. There's certain things I won't put up with, stand with, or accept as being "acceptable" anymore.

I guess I owe a lot of this to this man. Not that he set out to teach me, but that somehow, the universe used him to teach me all this. I needed this, to grow and get out of the negative relationship pattern I've been in for years now. I needed this to learn how to love myself.

But I still wish it wasn't him, that I had to go thru it all with. I sometimes briefly think that I wish I had met him, in a different place, a different time, different situation-and maybe then, it would've been different. That's how much I felt a "click" with this man. And I still marvel at the intensity between us, the psycology between us-and there was no 'traditional' relationship to be had. Crazymaking, indeed.

I regret that I was in the place in my life I was-lost, hurting, depressed and hating myself when I met him. It set me up for the abuses that I took. I regret that he too, was that person. I don't know about all the esoteric talk that we meet up with souls in this life for lessons, and that he was meant to be in my life for this lesson, we made a pact before we came here, or in some past live, the roles were reversed. I think we humans struggle to find meaning and logic in the very illogical, seemingly meaningless encounters we have. But some relationships are meant to be catalyst to changing our lives.....and for me, this was it. On some level-it may have saved my life. It has certainly forced me to re-evaluate everything and everyone in my life, because now my tolerance for anything remotely disrespectful and hurtful to me is 0.

I am single by choice now. The men I have met for potential relationships don't have what I want. And by that I mean, shared values and beliefs. You can have all the commonality in the world, all the attraction and chemistry, but if you can't trust the person, you have nothing.

I wonder if I will feel the way I did for him, for another anytime soon. He really got me thinking about being in a relationship again-after years of being emotionally unavailable and shut off, myself. I realize now, that is what I really want. I want that someone in my life to love, love me back, to be real with , to be honest with, to share in the ups and downs of life. I want to believe it can happen-and that it can happen to me.

This new "me"-it's lonely. I have ALWAYS had a sex partner-a "fuck buddy"-someone to get "high" with, someone to touch. Always had someone trying to merge into my lane. I have really not fed into it. I had one drunken brief fling for a night, and a few times of messing around, but, nothing to take serious and nothing to fret over. I just won't settle for just 'that' anymore. I wonder where to even meet quality men anymore-it sure isn't in the bars, though I know just as many good dudes go party with friends on the weekends as bad. I just don't think that's the smart way for me to meet anyone.

So I will continue to focus on my health-both physical and emotional, my career, establishing my life and essentially getting my shit together. I will continue to meet up with friends, enjoying them and who they are, and continue to do new activities that maybe someday, will enable me to meet another. I believe in fate and I believe in chance encounters, so, I dont fret about meeting anyone. I don't dwell on my age, or that the pot is thinning because of it-I'm just doing me and creating the right emotional environment for the right person to walk into...which I have to admit, is one of the HARDEST things I've ever had to do. It's straight up boring, as I said, lonely, and hard not to feel like I'm missing out on something. Yet I know I'm not missing out on anything. Been there, done that-and have the scars to prove it.

The brief actual relationship after I had, after the one that I've been blogging about now-was just as crazy and unhealthy-on HIS end. Me-I saw it right away. I did NOT get emotionally attached. When I ended it-it was over. HE didn't take it well. HE is not a nice guy....and I don't LIKE that. In fact, I really can't stand jerks anymore. I laugh at them. I don't take them seriously-and I don't invite them into my bed.

Some guys are jerks til they meet the right one, and some guys are just jerks-ESPECIALLY when they meet a great one. Either way, I'm pretty much over the 'jerks' so yes this can make a Saturday night somewhat boring.

I miss the good relationships in my life that I had, before this man entered it. Its been so long since I've had a loving, caring boyfriend that I hope I don't distrust it when it's there in my life. I am working on that.

I forgive this man I've blogged about. Mostly because if it weren't for him-I wouldn't be where I am at today. I forgive myself too, for having stayed, tolerated, fed into and been infected by it. But sometimes-I still wish it didn't have to be. It doesn't seem to have been all in vain, and it really could've been alot worse between us-we could've been married. It was easier to get out of the entanglement with nothing tangible between us. But I still mourn it. And I don't know why.

It's HERE!!!!!!!

The Ebook is ready and downloadable! For only 8.00 usd!

Go here to the website to read more about the book and to purchase:

http://youdatedapsycho.weebly.com/



Or, simply purchase directly now!!






Thank you all and God bless!!!

Book Update!!!!

Well, call me crazy. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard it....(as you've learned.) The book form of my blog is complete-and goes far more in-depth than the blog itself.

I felt an apprehension in using my last publisher of a book that I DO have published, for various reasons. As a result, I wondered how long it would take to research a new one, look into all the intricacies of what it takes to publish....and I felt a sense of hurriedness-like this info needs to be out now, ASAP.

In speaking to a girlfriend of mine going through a relationship that I blog about this evening-I so wished that the book was out already and I could just GIVE it to her.

Then in a weird series of Internet searching, I ran across something that made me think. About how information that people could really use to better their lives and to truly heal from harms, should be made free and available to all. ...or at least, damned affordable.

I was offered graciously to have any answers about writing an Ebook given to me by someone who has a great deal of experience in it-and in this genre.

So, without thinking too much about it, but just feeling that it is the right thing to do-I will be looking into and creating this into an Ebook that can be downloaded immediately from here, and I suppose I may create a website for it, as well.

I do feel that what I am writing about does have some value to it, and for no other reason than to support any website costs or fees that any of it may cost me-I decided that I'm going to charge virtually nothing for it. Like 5 or 6 bucks. These are difficult financial times many of us are in right now, and no one should be left out of the information here that could help them because of finances.

It just feels like it's the right thing to do. There are too many people in the world that don't understand why they are being psychologically abused, and worse-too many people in the world that don't understand what is happening in these relationships, and why it is that women seem to "Love the bad boys."

And, there are too many people in the world that don't seem to get that MEN ALSO are psychologically abused by females-and that we may in fact be dealing with a few of them that like women, end up being abusive due to their trauma.

All told-instead of going a traditional publishing route-I want this information to be readily available to those who need it, to those who are curious, and to be affordable to all. It's not that I don't believe that I deserve any profit from the work I've put into it. I just believe that people deserve to be free from the games and tyranny that shitty people bring them-and which makes them forget the good people that they are.

I don't know a date yet for all of this, as I really just decided this over the evening. I have some time off from working now and I will be able to look into this more and see what all I have to do to make this happen. I will of course be posting again when its complete and available to all!

Happy Holidays, and may you find peace from the psychos.....

Book and Website Recommendation if you don't think they are "psycho"

If you have read my blog, then you know that I'm pretty hard-core about the personality disorders that create these sorts of people and toxic relationships.

Im also very aware that many people struggle with doing the same, that is, they aren't ready to concede that the men or women they are involved with, are "psychopaths", "sociopaths" or "narcissists." Though I have blogged many times about how we cannot rely on the media to label what abusive people really look like and act like, some women still think that because the men in their lives can sometimes show loving traits (often to everyone BUT them), can be endearing and actually do good in this world, that they are not "evil" and not emotionally dangerous in the long run.

In enters my recommendation, which is the website called "Baggage Reclaim", by Natalie Lue. Having found herself in one too many of these kinds of relationships, Natalie began blogging 5 years ago and has become an e-book author, and workshop producer(both physical and online) helping women all over the world identify what she calls "assclowns"-or more benignly than me-"Emotionally Unavailable."

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Labels are not so important. The behaviors, the words, the deeds and the resulting pain, unhappiness, confusion and damage, is. As I have stated before-just like there are varying degrees of physical illness, perhaps there are varying degrees of mental illness so while your "psycho" may never kill someone and treats children amazingly well-this doesn't mean that you should continue to attempt the one-sided and drama, pain-ridden relationships that these types offer. "Emotionally Unavailable" is in fact, the nutshell that drives ALL of the games that I myself have written of, which Natalie also has written extensively about, and in greater detail than I.

She also takes it a step further and begins where I left off: She helps you learn how to heal from it, recover yourself and ensure you wont ever find a man like this again-and if you do, you won't want or stick around for it.

With amazing clarity and insight, Natalie takes you through your own mind and has you ask yourself some pointed questions for soul searching, of how these men inflitrate and why you may allow it to happen.

The first time it happens, you are a victim. Unfortunately, the damage done by just one of these relationships sets you up to keep attracting them over and over again. Natalie-known as NML-helps us to figure out how that happens, and what we can do about it-the key to it all being that WE have become "emotionally unavailable."

The psychology is logical and makes perfect sense-and shes not a therapist, shes just been thru it. Like me. They cant teach this stuff as well in textbooks, anyway-if you want to know how to do something, you need to go to the sources who have DONE it.

Natalies latest e-book-"Mr. Unavailable and the Fall-Back Girl", helps you recognize the emotionally-devoid men, and how we end up being a "fall back girl", and why it is we accept this role.

From diving into old hurts, to old patterns, to self-esteem issues and our own emotional avoidance of intimacy-Natalie truly tells you like it is. More importantly, she gently and compassionately helps you to tell YOURSELF how it is.

This website and her subsequent books are not for the faint of heart. It requires soul-searching, inner work and a true desire to heal and move on to find the love and good that we deserve. Nothing good comes easily yet the rewards for the task, the empowerment and the hope that her work will and has accomplished for women all over the world speak for themselves-and she is living proof as she is with a wonderful man and has 2 children by him-after years of struggling with painful, emotionally abusive and as she states, "assclowns."

Natalie also offers many FREE mini-ebooks and worksheets, and goes into the subject of "No Contact" so in-depth, that she wrote a book AND offers free 30-day emails to help you get thru that first month of it. Amazing!

I urge everyone to go over to her site. I've covered the basics here comparatively, and hope that I have opened one eye for people. NML will open both of the eyes WIDE and keep them open, and is the Visine to get the red out. Please support her works-for your OWN good!!!

*I do not personally know Ms. Lue and there is no sort of compensation for my "endorsement" here. She simply has devoted her life and energy to this subject and deserves it, and not only that-would be exactly the kind of thing I would continue to blog. Except I don't have to-shes done all the work for me! :)

Inspired!!!

Hello all!

Well I invite you to read the comment's to my last blog post. It was the first negative comment I have received, and I found it very interesting. What are your thoughts?

I have decided that I am going to put this blog into a book form. While I loved to "research" about my psycho-and indeed, it helped me to understand more what I was dealing with-I would have enjoyed having it all condensed into a book that I could tote around with me anywhere-the train, the doctor's office, the park.

I also have more thoughts and elaborations than a typical post can allow. Many of my posts are long enough! I would like to go more in depth into why it is we find ourselves in these relationships-sometimes, over and over again. There's many theories on why.

In any event, I will be working on it this summer, and will hopefully have it completed by fall. I will be sure to post when it is finished! Thanks all for your support and your imput, stay strong and true to yourselves!!!!

With love, Psycho Bitch

UPDATE

Maybe I am getting better. Or maybe I just realized, I wasn't and am not ready to date yet.

I started dating someone. I took it slow. We were friends first.

It lasted a month and a half.

Because after the intial "he's great to me" phase.....

I took a job bartending.

That's when the monster came out. I was accussed of wanting to sleep with every man who I served. If I talked to a guy, I wanted him. If I danced with a guy, I wanted him. If a friend took me for a bike ride, I wanted him. Or he wanted me. Didn't matter. My "body language" told him that I wanted these men-and I must be lying to him. Because, every woman he's been with has.

I couldn't take the jealousy and possessivness, and of course, saw that as the sign that it is-psycho. I did try and end it. When he came back with the I miss you's, the excuses, the romantic song on the jukebox dedicated to me in front of all-and so I thought, "okay, one more chance." Again I made an excuse for him-his last girlfriend had cheated on him all the time, this I knew for a fact. We all have some issues and insecurities. Can't hurt to give him a chance to show me different. But only one chance, I told myself. I didn't write this blog so I could go through it all again with another psycho. Besides, what are the odds of finding yet another?

But the worst part-the hypocriscy. I come to find out, that all the while he's accussing me and insulting me-suggesting that I would soon become a bar whore like all the others-he's been lying, and secretly seeing his ex-girlfriend. When she didn't see him one night-a night I was home ill-he went and stalked her home.

Lovely, no? Of course, when I confront him with what I came to learn-it was MY fault. If I hadn't been flirting with, talking with, getting numbers, etc-he wouldn't of have been doing that. When I continued to protest it-he then said "I'm done." And drove me home. To never speak to me again, as if HE's the victim, and I the one that did him wrong. And did this the day before my birthday.....conveinetly getting him out of the steak and lobster dinner he had promised to take me on.

Sigh........Thankfully, his true colors came out right away. Only a month of psychoness. No broken heart for me-but a bit of a flashback to the last time I dealt with this type-the abrupt cutting me off, not seeming to care of my feelings (though I was told while he drank, just how special I am, he's never known anyone like me, I'm different, and I just don't understand how much he cares about me.) Nope, I sure do. Because actions speak louder than words. This time, no red flag ignoring. This time, there's no doubt in my mind, I've met yet another controlling, immature, emotionally abusive and disturbed man. This time-I ain't sticking around for more.

So he did me a favor by being done. Ultimately, a much better birthday present than dinner. Still I wonder-how does this keep happening? But, the more I learn, the less I tolerate, and the minute I learn of this sort of thing-the more these types will be phased out. One can only hope.

THANK YOU ALL

I want to take this post up with a big thank you for all who have been following my blog. It has been very healing for me to do it, and to get it all out of my head, and I hope that you will find answers and relief in the postings.

Please click on the past month's to find posts that you may be able to relate to. Utilize some of the links that I have posted, and be sure to visit some of the other blogs listed-as they were a God send to me before I created mine.

I know we all have a lot better things we'd rather be doing, than scanning the internet for help and answers to try and deal with psychos in our lives and in the world. But I do thank God that we have a resource like the internet, where a platform of awareness is, where we can purge our demons, and we can find that we are not alone. God bless!!