After realizing the person we are with is not "normal", or at the very least, carrying around some heavy baggage, we then begin to question how aware of themselves they are.
Of course we have said to them more than a few times "That hurt me." "It hurts me when...." and some things they do are so obviously hurtful, that there is no need to point it out to them.
Yet......it continues to happen. Whether its cheating on you, calling you names, only pointing out the wrong you do, the imperfections and then taking for granted and remaining silent on the so much more GOOD that you've done-the behaviors, attitudes and moods that have hurt you so much and continue to wear down your self esteem, go on and on. Even if he admits "I know that I've been shitty to you."
Does he? We wonder. So, we like to give it a psychological slant and think that his behaviors are automatic and "subconscious." We think that if we make him more aware-that it, urging him to go deeper as to why he has these "problems", that it will stop.
We think his colossal ego is just to hide the fact of latent insecurities. We think the tough bravado is a front to hide how scared he really is. We ascribe vulnerability and sensitivity to a man who has rarely-if ever-shown any. Isn't that crazy? That we believe that he is so caring, insecure, vulnerable, sensitive and deep feeling-so much so, that he ends up being NONE of those things. In this sense, we may just be the "crazy" one here. Because the reality is this:
He chooses to be this way.
Abusers have the ability to choose right from wrong. If he truly had a mental disorder that made it impossible to truly love and empathize with people, then he’d be a jerk to everyone. He would have no friends, his family would’ve shunned him, he’d be a social outcast.
The fact is, he does know how to be “good.” Often in manipulating you, he would be. He’d be courteous, he’d have social graces, he’d be respectful, he’d call you, he’d tell you sweet nothings. He'd do stuff for you. Evidently, the guy knows how to be nice. He knows how to “love.”
He at least can see that there is a certain pay-off in being “normal”, in being a good person. The fact that he is able to do this with anyone else at all, means that he is capable of being a decent person, he has just chosen NOT TO BE to you, and has had the audacity to suggest that is your fault. Stop feeling sorry for or having pity on him. He knows what he’s doing, and he chooses to do wrong. This makes him evil, frankly. How can you love evil?
Most importantly.....if he didn't know what he was doing, then why the hell does he get so upset at the idea of anyone else knowing how he treats you?? Because he DOES know what he's doing. He's just hoping you'll continue to take it, and not mar his reputation at all by letting anyone else know what he's really about. Which is another reason why he sets it up early in the game, that if you were to start talking-YOU are the crazy one. So he knows, sister-believe it. He knows, he hopes "You weren't supposed to figure that out", he knows and its "that guy, an alter-ego created out of defenses"-he'll give you a boatload of excuses.....but he's AWARE, and....he's really NOT sorry. Sorry:(
PS It seriously has nothing to do with his mother. Some abusers "love" their moms and are mama's boys, others hate their moms. Don't blame mama. They are usually shitty to her, too.
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