Does he know what he's doing??

After realizing the person we are with is not "normal", or at the very least, carrying around some heavy baggage, we then begin to question how aware of themselves they are.

Of course we have said to them more than a few times "That hurt me." "It hurts me when...." and some things they do are so obviously hurtful, that there is no need to point it out to them.

Yet......it continues to happen. Whether its cheating on you, calling you names, only pointing out the wrong you do, the imperfections and then taking for granted and remaining silent on the so much more GOOD that you've done-the behaviors, attitudes and moods that have hurt you so much and continue to wear down your self esteem, go on and on. Even if he admits "I know that I've been shitty to you."

Does he? We wonder. So, we like to give it a psychological slant and think that his behaviors are automatic and "subconscious." We think that if we make him more aware-that it, urging him to go deeper as to why he has these "problems", that it will stop.

We think his colossal ego is just to hide the fact of latent insecurities. We think the tough bravado is a front to hide how scared he really is. We ascribe vulnerability and sensitivity to a man who has rarely-if ever-shown any. Isn't that crazy? That we believe that he is so caring, insecure, vulnerable, sensitive and deep feeling-so much so, that he ends up being NONE of those things. In this sense, we may just be the "crazy" one here. Because the reality is this:

He chooses to be this way.

Abusers have the ability to choose right from wrong. If he truly had a mental disorder that made it impossible to truly love and empathize with people, then he’d be a jerk to everyone. He would have no friends, his family would’ve shunned him, he’d be a social outcast.

The fact is, he does know how to be “good.” Often in manipulating you, he would be. He’d be courteous, he’d have social graces, he’d be respectful, he’d call you, he’d tell you sweet nothings. He'd do stuff for you. Evidently, the guy knows how to be nice. He knows how to “love.”

He at least can see that there is a certain pay-off in being “normal”, in being a good person. The fact that he is able to do this with anyone else at all, means that he is capable of being a decent person, he has just chosen NOT TO BE to you, and has had the audacity to suggest that is your fault. Stop feeling sorry for or having pity on him. He knows what he’s doing, and he chooses to do wrong. This makes him evil, frankly. How can you love evil?

Most importantly.....if he didn't know what he was doing, then why the hell does he get so upset at the idea of anyone else knowing how he treats you?? Because he DOES know what he's doing. He's just hoping you'll continue to take it, and not mar his reputation at all by letting anyone else know what he's really about. Which is another reason why he sets it up early in the game, that if you were to start talking-YOU are the crazy one. So he knows, sister-believe it. He knows, he hopes "You weren't supposed to figure that out", he knows and its "that guy, an alter-ego created out of defenses"-he'll give you a boatload of excuses.....but he's AWARE, and....he's really NOT sorry. Sorry:(

PS It seriously has nothing to do with his mother. Some abusers "love" their moms and are mama's boys, others hate their moms. Don't blame mama. They are usually shitty to her, too.

Can he ever change? Part one

In this relationship, no matter what you do or don't do- he wins. If you sit back, say nothing and continue to let him get away with his behaviors-he wins. Even if you stop seeing him-he wins, because he “got away” with this, with no consequence. If you confront it, stop enabling it and fight back-he still wins, by twisting it to make you seem unstable.

You can never win with this man, as long as you are with him. And you both know it. The longer you admit defeat and make no waves, the longer your denial has a chance to blind you further. It is the metaphorical devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. Problem is, you just don’t know who’s right anymore. You feel guilty. You feel ashamed of YOUR narcissistic rage-and there’s your “pattern” and even he calls you out on it. Your love/hate/rage/sorry bs, as he calls it. He’s got you. You start to believe “My god, maybe I AM the one who is the abuser here. I am the bad person. My reactions ARE scary.” You tell him you will work on your reactions and anger. You implore with him that you are not psycho, you would never intentionally hurt him, you are not that type of person.You're working on YOUR trust issues. You didn't mean to make him feel badly, to judge him, to hurt his feelings-yet the reality is, he has been abusing YOU, and you have reacted normally to abnormal behavior-and he is the one that is suggesting that your reactions are what is abnormal, and if it weren't for your reactions, he'd be a different man. It’s nuts. And now you’re his. He owns you. You didn’t even sell your soul to the devil. He took it.

He will accept your apologies-and go right back to treating you like shit. Because now you’ve learned. He's programmed you well-Its not him-it’s YOU.

In reality….it’s not you. You were right in your raging diatribe of all that’s wrong with him.

Good people say please and thank you. When you give a good person a gift-they acknowledge it. When a good person says they will be over-they show up. A good person does not completely blow you off a jillion times, promise not to do it again then less than 24 hours later, do it again. A good person doesn’t use excuses to make you feel sorry for them, then take all your caretaking and give nothing in return. A good person doesn't try and make YOU feel guilty that they have mistreated you, and a good person would STOP hurting you when they learn that what they do or don't do hurts you, and a good person would NOT blame you or suggest that you somehow have deserved to be treated like shit. A good person wouldn't suggest that you are not good enough to be treated well, and that if you only changed, you wouldn't be abused.

Your mind just can’t accept how foreign his behavior is to “normalcy.“ You believe that the synapse in his brain are not firing correctly. And you are in shock and awe, that you are meeting someone like this. And to cope, you have looked to make excuses for him as well-and have set out to help him with whatever issue you think it is that is causing this behavior.

The issue is NOT drugs/alcohol/childhood abuse/shitty parents/overbearing-absent mom/horrible dad/mean brothers or sisters/crappy job-boss/money/physical limitations (ie, if he's on the short side, a "napolean complex". It's not because he might be gay/insecure/scared of intimacy/afraid of commitment/had a bad break up-divorce/trust issues/bad experiences with women/comes from a misogynistic culture.

The reason he is emotionally, mentally, psycologically, sexually, financially and even physically abusive-is because he's an abuser. Period. Reality check:

Drugs and alcohol may intensify a person's abuses-but lots of people with drug and alcohol problems are not abusive people. Even under the influence. Any of the above excuses we've made for these men-there are many examples of people who have experienced the same things and often worse things than the men we are involved with-and they DO NOT ABUSE PEOPLE.

Why is he like this?

Why. The biggest word you find yourself saying in relation to being around these people. Why does he treat me this way, why does he do this? Not just "what is wrong with him", and then the frantic search for a label, but more importantly, why? What does he get out of this? Well, besides attention, ego feed, sex, money or whatever else he sees in it for him to associate with you-it boils down simply to POWER and CONTROL. Why does he need that? Lots of theories. He has no self esteem. He's insecure. He's been abused. Its Male Privilege. He hates women. He resents his mother. He's gay. There is LOTS of theories, but the simplest one: Because it WORKS for him. Yes, maybe he doesn't feel that he could secure anyone unless he controlled them. Maybe it makes him feel more powerful in the world, if he feels he doesn't have any. It makes him feel better about himself, to have someone so mailable.

But here is the fallacy of that: Not that they ever respected you to begin with, but it is a for sure thing, that the longer you let a guy abuse you in any way, the more respect he loses for you. The more respect he loses-the more he abuses you. It's a weird dichotomy in that he wants all this power and control, yet at the same time, seems to want to be punished for it. He doesn't want to get away with it. However, should you call him out or stand up against it-he seeks revenge, he's vindictive or uses it as the excuse for why he has mis-treated you. It's a sickness. It's crazy making shit you will lose your mind over, if you don't nip it in the bud. My abuser actually said "Well you let me be a jerk, and I didn't like that." "Let?" Is he fucking kidding me? As if I had all the power and control over HIS behaviors.

But, anytime I would stand up to it-well then that is why he was treating me as he was. I was "capable" of thinking negative thoughts against him. I could be "evil." They are the most contradictory people in the world. They will go from "I'm afraid to piss you off, because of what you would/could do to me" to "Oh, I just said that to piss you off." Well which is it, crazy pants?

When I asked him why he would WANT to piss me off, since he seemed to FEAR that so much, and then if I did get pissed off, he would then be mad at me.....his reply was "You weren't supposed to figure that out."

They do what they do, because they CAN. No one challenges them, and when they do, they twist and contort to bring it back around to the victim. They do it because they know that there are plenty of other targets out there, people who have a "tell", that they can manipulate and abuse into wanting and doing for them. They can't seem to secure love all on their own merits, they have to abuse and manipulate people into it, by fucking with their minds. Yeah, you could call that insecurity. Pathological insecurity. But, it works for them.

Feel sorry for them though-because the people they really believe they deserve to be with-they can't have UNLESS they abuse them. If you weren't under his spell.....you'd be gone. He knows it. I"m here to help people break through his nonsense. And they do know what they are doing, they do it on purpose-otherwise, why would they worry so much about exposure? But we will get to that. For now, let's get back to the game of how they argue.