Game #29: You are scaring me

From the beginning, one psycho I knew said he was hesitant because “I'm not sure how your turbine works”, in other words, doubtful and distrusting of my mind and rationality. He told me that “I hope that you won’t be a bunny boiler, you seem that you could be a little Glen Close-ish.” This is the same man, who then flew 2500 miles across the country on a Sunday night to simply show up on my doorstep to “surprise” me. No phone call, no inquiry as to what I was doing, did I have plans? Just narcissistically assumed that I was sitting at home, alone and would be thrilled to have him show up out of the blue unexpectedly at my door. To make matters worse-I had never given him my home address. But-I could be the “bunny boiler.”

You tell yourself that if you were with someone that truly “Scared” you, whom you were walking on eggshells with and afraid to cross, that you will do the logical thing and cut off all ties from this person. You would be honest and direct, say you are not interested, you are sorry but you don’t see a future, good luck and do not contact me again. If they persisted, you’d get a restraining order. The last thing you would do is tell someone you are truly afraid of, who you think might destroy your life, or harm you physically in anyway, is “I’m afraid of you, but lets meet tomorrow to have sex.” You would not be the primary instigator of contact. You would not send seductive text messages telling the scary person how much they turn you on, and that you are coming over to see them tomorrow, and then blow them off. Repeatedly.

You would not lead them on, pull the rug out from underneath them and intentionally say and do things, or withhold things that you KNOW would cause a truly crazy person to harm you. You wouldn’t even go there. You’d give them a wide berth, you’d discontinue all contact, you’d change your number, your email, you would not respond to them at all. Unless you are living with someone who has threatened your life and especially has given you good reason to believe that there words are true,( i.e., physically assaulted you or sexually forced you to be with them) then and only then, would you feel forced to stay, play along with their games, tell them what they want to hear, and of course, you would do anything that they tell you that you need to do to make them happy.

You would not challenge, provoke or antagonize anyone that you felt had the capacity to truly hurt you. You wouldn’t argue with them, bait them, tease them, look them in their eyes and say “I promise” then not follow through, not even explain. These people have no moral compass….and he’s a lot of things, but “scared” of you, ain’t one of em.’

If you want to really go deep here-most of the things he’s accused you of, is him. Its how he feels about himself, its how others have reflected “back” to him. Chances are very good that he’s been told that HE is scary, HE is the stalker, HE is the psycho, HE is not the kind of person that is wanted in someone’s life-you are getting HIS demons pinned onto you. Even Hollywood depicts this in movies that show a man who has used and abused a woman, and she comes back with a psycho vengeance, systematically destroying him and boiling bunnies on stoves. We’ve all seen the movies where a cheating spouse or a man who is even emotionally or sexually leading a woman on when he’s not available, ends up looking like the victim as his subject turns to psychological warfare. 3 movies off the top of my head come to mind, Fatal Attraction, The Crush and Obsessed. Hmm, let’s see. Fatal Attraction-the GUY was cheating on his wife. The Crush-the GUY was sleeping with a teenager. Obsessed, the guy led the woman on. Yet all the WOMEN are NUTS because they sought payback for being used.

Narcissistic men in particular love these sorts of movies, and they love to compare you to them. Should you get angry, ask more than once in a day a question regarding the status of your relationship, then you either are, or could be a “psycho stalker.” And most of these men have something to hide, which is why they want you to believe this. They hush you and silence you by suggesting that only psycho women look to get even, only crazy women such as the ones portrayed in movies would question, get angry, rebel, threaten or actually follow through and bust his ass in any indiscretion. You are to keep his secrets, no matter how much rope he hands you to hang him with, no matter how shady you learn he is, and no matter how badly he is treating you.

When you show anger, he challenges you and taunts you with an air of “I dare you.” And you back down-because you are not some Hollywood fictionalized character, you are not one of the rare sociopath-ic women who may do these insidious abusive head gamey out -for -blood life threatening acts. Domestic Violence is focused on men harming women, because that’s the majority of the cases. And when extreme acts of female revenge are televised, real life dramas such as Lorena Bobbitt’s case-its even more fodder for these wimps, who use something like that in their arsenal to subtly suggest that your character could be in question, you could be that girl.

Their twisted logic makes NO sense, when he and everyone else who knows you KNOWS you’re not dangerous, scary or “psycho”-and that’s why he picked YOU. That’s why these men are not clinically insane. Because no man in his right mind would pick on a woman who represented a real threat. He is nothing but the school yard bully who can’t pick on anyone his own size, or of his own shitty caliber. He picks the good ones to inflict his wrath on-because the good one’s really aren’t a threat. The good ones agonize over hurting him back, exposing him, teaching him a lesson, and they lay back down.

So this man who is using your problems or anger against you, and blaming it for why he cant produce or give you anything at all that you need, and claims its your fault and your reactions that make him how he is-how afraid can he really be? He continues to take your money, your favors, your help, your sex-and continues to deny you anything good back-yet he is afraid-what’s he really doing? He can’t really be scared, can he? Or is he setting you up to finally explode and then justify and rationalize every horrid thing he’s done to you, every good he has denied you?

Game # 28: YOU have too many problems

If you haven’t expressed anger, but have in fact been vulnerable to him and ever told him any of your flaws-such as having been abused before, suffer from depression, have battled drinking or other addictions, etc-rest assured, if you have any flaw or problems of your own, these will be used against you to say “How could I be with anyone who has these problems, I can’t allow myself to deal with anyone who is not taking care of themselves.”

And this can come from a man who has his own battles with addictions and abuses, this man’s hypocrisy is unparallel. He projects with a vengeance and you can be sure that whatever he points out in anyone else that he judges and seems offended by- again, is his “stuff.” He will rage on about how someone else is treating his sister, good friend, daughter, mother etc-and will actually say things like “This guy says he’s changed, but you have to SHOW that you’ve changed, you can’t just say it”-but feels somehow that these rules don’t apply to him-just everyone else.

Here’s a man who can sleep with married women or women with boyfriends, and in the same sentence complain that his last girlfriend cheated on him. This is a man who expectations and standards are impossibly high for what HE deserves, needs and wants, that no woman could truly live up to, and his sense of entitlement and ability to expect and demand to be treated well without having to give anything in return is ridiculous.

If they do blame some sort of problem you have in your life as to why they can’t get more involved with you, or why they are done with you, you wonder then why they didn’t sit you down, talk to you like a caring human being that loves you and say “I’m really concerned about you, and I want to help you.” Because- they aren’t. Your problems and issues are just an excuse to puppeteer around his true motives.

For example, if he says “Well you drink too much”, you won’t find him leaving AA pamphlets on the kitchen table. If he says “I don’t like that you go out all the time”, you won’t see him protesting when you tell him your plans. If he says “You son or daughter doesn’t seem to like me”, he doesn’t try to interact, spend time with them or find out why. If he truly loved and cared about you in return-he would feel the same drive, compassion and concern that any friend, family member or someone who loves you would. That you have for HIM. He would “intervention” you.

He’d straight up tell you that this is a problem for him and if you don’t get help or change it, he’d have to leave. He was never truly in, so there’s nothing really to leave-it’s just his way of justifying to himself and the world that you had too many problems, and so for his own self-preservation, he had to “hesitate” had to keep his distance. If you aren’t plagued with these issues, then it simply boils down to your anger and reactions to how he treats you that “worried” him. While I’m not suggesting that he should go on a Red Cross mission to save your life like you just did-emotionally healthy people can still find a way to set boundaries, express their care and concern for your problems, offer help and plant seeds.

Yet the first time you hear of your “baggage“ being an issue, is usually as he’s out the door-for good. The worst is when he then tells you that the reason he can’t and won’t do or give anything of himself to you, or for you, is because of some problem you have, but you remember hearing the stories and excuses about some woman in his past who seemed to truly be a hot mess, and he was extremely patient, forgiving and understanding towards her, usually as she was being abusive to him. Or, when its a problem you can do nothing about, like your parents, your siblings, your background, your ethic group or finances.

This is the crazy-making insanity of a narcissistic, psychopathic abuser. This is the psychological abuse that has your mind reeling and your self-esteem fading to black. You cannot even step back or detach yourself from it long enough to see the flawed logic in anything that he is saying-particularly if you are married to him. He designed it this way. This is the quintessential essence of “crazy making.“ While we should be in fear and run for our lives-they have eluded over and over again to the fact that they fear you. More on that tomorrow.