Game 33: Serving up the Word Salad

Let's get back to the games of the Psychos.


What is my definition of “word-salad” game? It’s when the psycho’s use words that they casually toss around, amongst the other abuses and games that they play, creating this salad of bullshit covered with candy-coated dressing.

Some ingredients in the word-salad game will include and sound similar to:

“I hate my father, he was/is an asshole, he made promises he wouldn’t keep.”

“When I was a kid, and my bicycle broke down, and my father said he would fix it, he never did, and that was when I learned that I had to fix things on my own. I don’t need help in the world, I may not fix it right, but I have to go on my own to fix stuff.”

“I am actually really sensitive underneath. My kids make fun of me because I cry at movies/Hallmark commercials/scenes of destruction in 3rd world countries/when the Cubs lose, etc.

“I’m actually really shy.”

“My ego is just smoke and mirrors, created to protect myself after what’s-her-face hurt me.”

“I’m really not as confident as you claim I am acting to be. If you only knew how insecure I really am.”

“My dad cheated on my Mom, and I would never do that!”

“I got beat up when I was little and it had an effect on me.”

“This woman did (fill-in-the-blanks) where you are left feeling like giving him a gianormous hug.

“I’ve been like this all my life, all friends, family, girlfriends, wife-they’ve all said the similar things that you have.”

“I am an asshole and I will always be an asshole, but I wasn’t always like this until (fill in the blanks) happened.

“You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

“You deserve much better than me.”

“Why do you love me?”

“I’ve been told by women in my past that I am ‘too nice.’

“My dad was hyper-critical of me my whole life. Thanks, Dad! Asshole.”

“I used to wish that my Uncle was my real dad, he was more of a dad to me than my real dad was.”

“You are worth so much more than this.”

“I am not used to being loved/cared about/treated well/concerned over.”

“Thanks for showing me concern, I haven’t let too many do that!”

“I don’t let too many people into my heart, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, I know how it feels.”

“I am afraid to hurt and to get hurt, all in have caused nothing but pain!”

And so on. Insert violin-playing, mandolin having, WB drama, heart-wretching emotionally string tugging "intimacies" of your own.

Now, sometimes you will hear a great deal of this in the early stages of your relationship, Either he doesn’t want you to expect too much, it is your warning, but basically it is a heads up of not taking ownership or responsibility for the abuse they know they will inflict. In this way, they’ve told you that they are “damaged” somehow, and true to form, this tugs on your heart strings and voila! He has a built-in defense mechanism because now-he no longer needs to make excuses for his behavior(s), as you are remembering the many “intimate” disclosures such as this, and MAKING THE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

Often, he will remind you of the above after a time of being cold, controlling or abusive, as a “excuse offering”, where you are reminded of his obviously painful upbringing and so, you are more apt to forgive him. AND shower him with MORE love, affection and attention, believing you can help “heal” the previous damage that has allegedly occurred in his life.

He will even say “Not that this excuses anything, BUT…..” or “I know this is no excuse” or “I’m not trying to make excuses, blah blah.” Even HE knows it is, but is totally manipulating his way out of it.

Because an emotionally healthy yet wounded person-should they see that the scars they have are causing them to act out and hurt innocent parties-would then say “And maybe I ought to get some counseling/read a good self-help book/go on a retreat/read the bible/go to a support group because I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

But….they don’t. This is their story and they are sticking to it. Like I said before, if a guy says “I am an asshole”-well, when he ends up being one, he will think “Hey, I warned her. Not my fault if she didn’t believe me” and therefore, not be responsible for hurting you. YOU are now responsible for him hurting you, because you failed to take heed to his weird-ass red flag.

If one minute he is saying he’s not ready for a commitment, the next discussing marriage and he then cheats on you, he will refer back to the former and say “Well I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment!” If you should end up “cheating” on him due to his abuses or because he‘s really NOT showing any form of commitment, he will then cry the latter and say ‘I was gonna marry you, you know, but not now!”

So this is what you get. A potpourri mix, a veritable Chex Mix of good, bad, indifferent, loving, vulnerability in his actions, with a dip of complete bullshit and a side dish of a word-salad. And he will feed you a steady diet of this crap and if it’s good enough-YOU even end up leaving a tip.

Best bet is to just dine and dash with this one.

Game # 28: YOU have too many problems

If you haven’t expressed anger, but have in fact been vulnerable to him and ever told him any of your flaws-such as having been abused before, suffer from depression, have battled drinking or other addictions, etc-rest assured, if you have any flaw or problems of your own, these will be used against you to say “How could I be with anyone who has these problems, I can’t allow myself to deal with anyone who is not taking care of themselves.”

And this can come from a man who has his own battles with addictions and abuses, this man’s hypocrisy is unparallel. He projects with a vengeance and you can be sure that whatever he points out in anyone else that he judges and seems offended by- again, is his “stuff.” He will rage on about how someone else is treating his sister, good friend, daughter, mother etc-and will actually say things like “This guy says he’s changed, but you have to SHOW that you’ve changed, you can’t just say it”-but feels somehow that these rules don’t apply to him-just everyone else.

Here’s a man who can sleep with married women or women with boyfriends, and in the same sentence complain that his last girlfriend cheated on him. This is a man who expectations and standards are impossibly high for what HE deserves, needs and wants, that no woman could truly live up to, and his sense of entitlement and ability to expect and demand to be treated well without having to give anything in return is ridiculous.

If they do blame some sort of problem you have in your life as to why they can’t get more involved with you, or why they are done with you, you wonder then why they didn’t sit you down, talk to you like a caring human being that loves you and say “I’m really concerned about you, and I want to help you.” Because- they aren’t. Your problems and issues are just an excuse to puppeteer around his true motives.

For example, if he says “Well you drink too much”, you won’t find him leaving AA pamphlets on the kitchen table. If he says “I don’t like that you go out all the time”, you won’t see him protesting when you tell him your plans. If he says “You son or daughter doesn’t seem to like me”, he doesn’t try to interact, spend time with them or find out why. If he truly loved and cared about you in return-he would feel the same drive, compassion and concern that any friend, family member or someone who loves you would. That you have for HIM. He would “intervention” you.

He’d straight up tell you that this is a problem for him and if you don’t get help or change it, he’d have to leave. He was never truly in, so there’s nothing really to leave-it’s just his way of justifying to himself and the world that you had too many problems, and so for his own self-preservation, he had to “hesitate” had to keep his distance. If you aren’t plagued with these issues, then it simply boils down to your anger and reactions to how he treats you that “worried” him. While I’m not suggesting that he should go on a Red Cross mission to save your life like you just did-emotionally healthy people can still find a way to set boundaries, express their care and concern for your problems, offer help and plant seeds.

Yet the first time you hear of your “baggage“ being an issue, is usually as he’s out the door-for good. The worst is when he then tells you that the reason he can’t and won’t do or give anything of himself to you, or for you, is because of some problem you have, but you remember hearing the stories and excuses about some woman in his past who seemed to truly be a hot mess, and he was extremely patient, forgiving and understanding towards her, usually as she was being abusive to him. Or, when its a problem you can do nothing about, like your parents, your siblings, your background, your ethic group or finances.

This is the crazy-making insanity of a narcissistic, psychopathic abuser. This is the psychological abuse that has your mind reeling and your self-esteem fading to black. You cannot even step back or detach yourself from it long enough to see the flawed logic in anything that he is saying-particularly if you are married to him. He designed it this way. This is the quintessential essence of “crazy making.“ While we should be in fear and run for our lives-they have eluded over and over again to the fact that they fear you. More on that tomorrow.

Game # 27: Judgement Day

Sometimes to diffuse your anger and “analysis”,( should you still be thinking for yourself at this point), if they feel there is even still a pay- off in being with you-they will subtly turn it around on you by beginning to appear to be more open to your inquiries. Now it’s not so much that you are analyzing them, but rather, that you are “judging” them.

They don’t like to be judged., though they are the first to throw stones at you, and everyone else. When I first noticed my abuser pulling away from me, I told him that I felt he didn’t really want to get to know me anymore. He responded by yelling at me “Well, maybe there are things about you that I see that make me not want to get to know you!“ Not only did this sting my feelings incredibly, but it had me scanning myself, replaying the entire relationship thus far with him in my mind, to see what the hell he could be talking about. We are sleeping together, any argument we’ve had he ends up pursuing me to end-if I am causing him to be bad to me, then why is he continuing to involve himself with me?

Alternately, the barb stung so much, that you just don’t know what to do, other than wonder what it is that he meant, and feeling now as if you need to change. He’s pegged you in that one statement, as being a “bad” person. In some way, shape or form, these men will do this. They will make incredibly hurtful comments that while not traditionally “verbally abusive”, i.e., no name calling, no overt insult-it will be some sort of damaging comment about you, your personality, your lifestyle, your choices-something about YOU that they suggest makes them distant, hesitant or unwilling to give anything in return. This is called “shaming.“

This is especially effective on anyone who grew up in a critical home with very critical parents who also invalidated you or made you feel as you were never good enough, there was always something about you that they didn’t accept. You are now re-living that pain. If not parents, perhaps a prior relationship, or a close friend or even an abusive boss-this hits that delicate nerve that many of us have of “prove yourself worthy to me, because I ain’t seeing it.“

By now, they have you so effectively focused on yourself and your own behaviors, that you aren’t even thinking of theirs anymore. Whether its how you interact with other men, how you think too much and analyze, how you are way too sensitive and how all these things may be causing him to think twice about wanting you-trust me when I tell you that he didn’t just do this once or twice to leave you feeling this low sense of worth. I don’t believe any of us have self esteems that are that low, that one or two flippant and inappropriate comments would send us into this self -analytical abyss. He’s made numerous comments, every time you talk, every time you are together, with every action that is a disappointment, with every excuse given-he has consistently made you feel that there is something wrong with you.

If you fire back and let him know that there are things equally bothering you about him, that is when he defends with the notion that you are "judging" him. He feels judged, he feels that you are too critical of him, and may even say "I'm not on trial here, why should I have to answer to any of this?" or something in a similar vein. When you try to explain that you are the one that has been feeling judged and that he's deeming you unworthy for him in some capacity, that's when he invalidates you and says that you are being ridiculous. However, if you should suggest the same to him-that you are not "judging" him, but rather trying to understand him, then you will get the "Well you ALWAYS do this, say this," etc. He cannot take constructive criticism, he can't take any form of criticism/negativity of him at all, and rather than him seeing that you are pointing out behaviors, words, actions or in-actions that are hurting you or confusing you, all he feels is that you are judging him, and if you "feel this way, why do you even talk to me?"

More crazy-making.

Game #21: A Letting Bee

One of the stranger games of psychos is their weird use of language. Their syntax and basic Tower of Babble bullshit. They are often able to say a whole lot-of nothing. Ambiguity is their best friend. They can talk circles around you, you can have a ten minute long conversation with them, and get NO sense of their feelings, thoughts or any affirmative answer on much of anything.

One way they do this is to distract you by throwing in ideas and thoughts that take you totally off your own points. They railroad conversations. One of the ways they may accomplish this, is with the “let” game.

The let game is real simple when you break it down: You aren’t letting them do something, or you ARE letting them do something.

For people so hell bent on power and control, it’s pretty astonishing the amount they “let” you think they have relinquished to you.

For example: When my psycho and I were back in touch after a long hiatus and a horrible ending, he went on to gush “I will be nothing but honest and open with you. Let me this time!”

Now, this threw me completely off guard. What did he just imply here? That somehow, I did something in the past, that made him incapable of being open and honest with me. That it was my fault, that he wasn’t honest and open with me. I wasn’t “letting him” be. Of course, this lead me to wrack my brain, to wonder just what the hell he was talking about. How was I not “letting” him be an open, honest person? What did I do to make him feel that I wasn’t “letting” or if you will, “allowing” that?

He also said at a later time, “You let me be a jerk to you, and I didn’t like that.” I cringed at this. Essentially, in these two simple sentences, he just implied that the entire time that he was abusive and shitty to me was evidently, my fault, since I wasn’t letting him be open and honest, and I then was letting him be a jerk.

Crazymaking, no? So, the “game” here is pretty simple: He seems to have no control over his own behavior, choices, actions, and treatment of you, because it is all directly correlated to what YOU are letting or not "letting". See, if you just “let” him do the right things, then he would. If you didn’t “let” him be a jerk, then he wouldn’t of been.

Which begs the question, how does one “let” someone be a jerk? To let or not let them be whatever? Because if I got angry or “fought” back, hence, NOT “letting” him be a jerk, well then it was twisted around yet again to where I was blamed for all the things he was doing that was “jerky.” So even when I attempted to not “let” him be a jerk, he was a jerk.

Most certainly, there was nothing I was doing as I scanned my mind with some mental TiVO like way, rewinding, pausing and re-playing our interaction, that wasn’t “letting” him be open and honest with me. Frankly, he was hardly ever “open and honest” with me, but it wasn’t for a lack of me “letting” him. In fact, I was often “begging” for him to be just those things. Yet, the problem is-since they are so highly contradictory, you end up not knowing what they are saying that is “honest” vs. what is bullshit. You end up not being able to discern fact from fiction-which is why you begin to analyze them.

Point is-they can very effectively stop you in your tracks with just a simple loaded sentence. Something about the whole “letting” me thing is a huge trap-that is easy to fall into. They have put the responsibility of who they are into OUR hands, and again, if only we were different somehow, so would they be.

Funny thing is, they don’t go on to explain how it is, or what it is that you did or didn’t do, that didn’t “let” them do whatever. If you ask “Well how did I LET you?” you get the ambiguity-”I dunno, you just didn’t! You jumped to too many conclusions, you just didn’t let it be." Let it be? Let what be? Jumped to WHAT conclusions? That you're crazy?? Ok, well that one I did. Like I was jumping on a trampoline, jumping to conclusion.

I heard a lot about “letting.” He would say “I’m sorry I didn’t let you in.” I’m sorry I let you see the person I revert to when I’m unhappy.” It was typically me not letting, or sometimes, he’d say that he wasn’t letting himself do something right to me. One thing he was very adept at doing-was ‘letting’ me down.

And there you go. You are now so much inside your own head, trying to dissect and make sense of this twisted logic, that you are effectively distracted from the bigger picture-and they are more or less, off the hook. Off the hook, because they’ve handed YOU all the cards in that their behavior is directly bound with what you are letting happen. Not only does this drive you crazy, but has you damaged as you then feel that the entire relationship going south, and his abusive treatment of you, is in fact, YOUR fault.

Frankly, the only “letting” that should be done here, is letting them the hell GO. Let them be abusive somewhere else. Let them think what they want, because they are ridiculous, and let them be-be somewhere else.

Game # 14: Gaslighting

The term "Gaslighting" is derived from the 1944 thriller movie named "Gaslight". The basic plot, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, is that Boyer, playing her husband, is a psycho. He married her for the sole purpose of finding hidden gems that were hidden in the home by Bergman's Aunt. In an effort to find not only the jewels, but also to conceal the fact that he was the one that murdered Bergmans aunt-he begins to psychologically abuse his wife in an attempt to make her think she was going crazy. It began to work. She suffered a nervous breakdown, memory loss and her health deteriorated. Without adding to the spoiler alert here-she was lucky that an astute person seemed to figure her husband out.

How would your psycho, who may not have done anything as heinous as murder, and may not be out to blatantly steal from you, "gaslight", and why? Well the why is easy. To throw you off, when you begin to suspect his real motives. If he is using you, he certainly doesn't want you to catch on. If he wants something from you, he won't want you to leave him. Of course, if he ends up controlling you through physical violence, its much easier to do so to a woman who's already psychologically damaged. No one punches a person in the face on a first date and generally gets a second one. So here are some "gaslighting" tactics used by psychos:
While the movie is an extreme example, gas lighting simply occurs to make you go nuts. It looks often like this:
I didn’t say that.

I didn’t do that.

That didn’t happen.

You misunderstood.

You took my words out of context.

You twisted my words, that’s not what I meant.

That’s not true.

You’re lying.

You’re making that up.

That’s just a fictionalized accounting from your own imagination.

"Remember when?".......and whatever it is they are recalling you did together-you didn't.

They will call you and tell you that they want to see you and talk the next day. The next day rolls around, and you hear nothing, time has passed since they said they'd show up. You call them, and they say something like "Oh, that's right....I forgot you told me to call you."

They will implant "false memories" in your head, conversations or events, and this has you thinking they may be confusing you with someone else.

Let's say they make a commitment to do something on a Thursday. At the time, you were both very clear that it was in a couple of days Thursday. When Thursday rolls around and they are a no-show, they might call you the following Thursday, all pissed off at YOU, vehemently blaming YOU for not remembering correctly.

Basically, just a flat out denial of what you know-er, thought to be true. Because by the time that they are done, they actually having you believing that black is white, the sun sets in the north, the world is flat, and the moon is made of green cheese. When you start feeling like you need a tape recorder around them, you are probably being gaslighted. It's called "crazymaking". This, on top of their denials and memory issues (more on that in a future posting)-you will question yourself, doubt yourself and this gives them a great deal more power over you.

Game #13: Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES

Passive Aggressive excuses, or, how can I make her be the bad guy for not accepting abuse?

Here’s a list of some of the excuses I’ve heard from my biggest abuser to not have been available, willing to talk, show up, follow through, keep a promise, commit to being in the relationship or not, essentially-why he couldn’t not be abusive. Of course, he didn’t see it as abusive. If you’ll note, every excuse is designed to make ME look like an asshole, should I have protested any of them.

• Forgot my kids had football practice, had to take them
• I am being subpoenaed in an extortion trial against my boss
• My sister’s ex- husband is being a dick and she needs my support and help with the kids.
• My nephew got busted for pot and I had to go bail him out of jail.
• Cell phone went through the wash, didn’t get your messages.
• Your texts didn’t all come through.
• My kids forgot their house keys and my ex is downtown and won’t be home for hours. They are staying with me tonight.
• Got to go see my grandma she is sick with cancer
• Working on my buddies’ snowmobile, said I’d help him
• I lost my phone.
• Have to go help the neighbors mow their lawn
• Helping my ex fix her motorcycle
• Plumbing in my ex’s house exploded, went over to help have to for the kids sake
• Phone went crazy, kept telling me to insert SIM card but it was in there
• Cant call you, my mom is upstairs and don’t want to wake her
• Meds for my blood pressure messing me up, fell asleep on couch
• No signal where I am staying for the weekend on road trip for snowmobiling
• Got called into work
• Mini crisis at work
• Slept all damn day, think I have the flu
• I’m feeling like I am emotionally in a coma right now.
• Didn’t want to respond to you and hurt your feelings, best to say nothing sometimes
• Been testing your patience to make sure that you want more from me than just sex
• Have to go I have an early start for work tomorrow
• I have trust issues with people and my living situation sucks
• A piece of cement fell on my head at work today
• An old girlfriend called me out of the blue and it distracted me
• My ankle is fucked and I can’t drive over
• One of my best friends just diagnosed with cancer that has spread all over

To name a few.

Yet I knew. If you have gotten excuses like this, then you knew as well. You knew he was lying, you knew that he was playing games, deep down, you just know that he is full of it. Some of the excuses- may actually be true. Most of it is crap. Yet-you can’t prove it. There was no way to verify if any of it was true. It was a lies I couldn’t prove, but just intuitively knew was a lie.

However, by the time you are done even hinting that you don’t believe in him, you have been rendered emotionally impotent by the suggestions that you are jumping to conclusions, you don’t trust him, how can you accuse him of things not having evidence, what is wrong with you, and if you didn’t react to him the way that you do, he might actually follow through on one of his many promises to be a part of your life.

Of course I saw it as bullshit. Of course, we fought about it. And yes, I did say goodbye. Many times.

It’s an emotional Chinese water torture with every interaction of this nature, eroding away your self-esteem. In fact, you may get LOTS of this. The excuses you hear for putting you off, blowing you off, letting you down, ignoring you, being unable or unwilling to communicate are meant to make you feel guilty, evil, too angry, uncompassionate, lacking, impatient, and not good enough….so you don’t see all that in him.