Game #26: Be there, or be square

You want to get closer to him, yet he’s still always “too busy.” When he makes the time for you, he assumes and has an air about him that suggests he really believes that you are just sitting around waiting for him. He doesn’t ask “So what are you doing tonight?“ He will call or text and say “Hi, get your stuff and come over.“

If in fact you are busy yourself when he comes sniffing around, wanting to see you, he will seem offended you aren’t available as his tone grows cold. Either one of two things will happen next: He will either begin to hound you with attention, or, he will “punish” you by disappearing for awhile and then not be available when you offer to see him another time soon. The bombing- you- with- attention comes pretty early in this relationship-because he’s controlling you. He doesn’t see that you are a woman with a life-a job, family or friends that you have plans with and spend time with, he sees this as a challenge and a “chase”. He fears that maybe you aren’t being honest with him, and your plans to have dinner with your best friend for example, is really a date with someone else.

He doesn’t trust you-but he’d never come right out and ask if you are with anyone else. However, he’s also pretty confident that you are not. The game is to control you so that you will always make yourself available to him.

So you may get quite a deal of attention from him if YOU are busy-because if you are with another, he will be able to tell if you don’t text him back right away, call him back shortly or aren’t home early. You will be “punished” for that, if in fact you don’t get back to him right away- but not out in the open. He would never say “I’m feeling insecure, jealous or wondering if you are with another” and rarely would he fly off the handle and make an accusation and go into some jealous tirade. Many abusive men do. But only if given a tangible reason, such as they saw you talking to some man, they saw a picture on a social network site. He knows that he’d seem a bit imbalanced if he were to accuse you of anything simply because you didn’t answer his text right away. Yet that’s what he’s thinking. He is thinking this, because that’s what HE does. When he doesn’t answer your text, your calls, his cell phone is off-it’s a sure bet that he’s up to something that would hurt you, or make you call the whole relationship off. He assumes that everyone else is like him, too. You don’t look under beds, unless you yourself hide there.

Strangely enough, at first you are flattered by this as you think “Aw, he really does like/love and care about me. You see this as his way of showing feelings and love for you, because he seems to be jealous and just won’t come out and say so. You think it’s cute. But trust me-as the relationship progresses and you find yourself intentionally trying to make him jealous in a feeble attempt to get him to see your worth-it will backfire on you, and big time.

He is also manipulating you again: Should you not be available at his beckon call, at the drop of the hat-then you are to be suspected. You are hiding something from HIM. He can’t give you anymore time if he feels that your attention is not towards this relationship. He didn’t think that you were open to other men, that’s why he’s even trying to change the things he needs to so someday you can both take it to a new level he‘ll claim-so if there’s something he should know, he needs to know now, or he’s done with it. He wants to give you the appearance that he’s off somewhere trying to “fix” himself, so when he’s ready, he will come rushing into your life as Prince Charming and sweep you off your feet, and give you what you want. But hey-if you aren’t willing to wait around and be completely devoted to him-he’s not even going to bother to get his life or self together.

He’s now got you feeling that you need to prove to him your intentions towards him-you aren’t that girl that cheated. You aren’t trifling around. You aren’t playing him. You wouldn’t hurt him like that, after all he’s shared. So-you now make sure that whenever you hear from him, you are around-you respond right away, giving him no reason to suspect you or to use that he believes “actions speak louder” against you. That’s his silent dog whistle-that you just ran to. You are now conditioned to respond to him and be available for whenever he pencils in the time to pay attention to you. One more pull on your leash, and the noose-grows a little tighter.

Game # 23: Don't be too Sexy

If you are human, there is something about yourself physically that you don’t really like. No matter how high your self-esteem may be, even the most beautiful among us find something to complain about.

It could be hair, skin, feet, this wrinkle, that stretch mark, this birthmark, eye color. The shape of our body, our height and certainly our weight-or more intimate concerns regarding our erogenous zones.

Your psycho will be contradictory here, too. Of course to control you and certainly to maintain a very sexual relationship with you, he will have to flatter you and have you feeling like an incredibly sexy woman. Conversely though-they also DON’T want you to think you are an incredibly sexy woman. Why? Because then you might figure out that other men think you are an incredibly sexy woman-better men than he.

Truth be told, if your psycho wasn’t incredibly attracted to you sexually, he wouldn’t bother with you. Part of the reason he is the way he is, is because of his attraction to you-that he is insecure, intimidated and ANGRY about. Angry? Yes. These men resent the sexual power of women. Which is why so many try and ‘conquer’ it. Sexuality with a psycho is going to take up quite a few posts in the future. For now, the way that he tries to undermine your self worth is quite subtle. We all know women who have had men come right out and say “you fat bitch” “you dumb bitch” “You lazy bitch”-but that sort of abuse is so flagrant that often women realize right away what an asshole he is-so they don’t take it to heart as much as those of us where those messages are being infiltrated through brain washing.

How might this happen? One way might be to tell you of some fantastic attribute of an ex. Something like “Everyone wanted to fuck her!” or “My ex wife was crazy, but she gave the best oral sex ever.” In some capacity, they will sneak in casual comments about the looks, body or sexual prowless of some former lover.

Then they may move on to point out women in public, or women in the media. In a normal healthy relationship, you may be inclined to agree if he says “That Megan Fox is sooo hot!” but with a psycho, the way they say this, the timing in which they say it is usually inappropriate and meant to hurt your feelings in some way.

For example, He will always have you feeling that in some way, shape or form, you must compete. If you are watching a movie, he will point out the exact things you lack in another woman and how great it is, to make you feel inferior. So say you have small breast, he will point out a woman with a very pendulous breast and say “Wow, she looks fantastic! Look at those boobs!“

When you show an obvious hurt-and it will always be obvious whether you say anything or not just by the look on your face, he will then try and do “damage” control by saying “Don’t worry, I like your (fill in the blank.) You are fine.” But the seed has been planted, which has you feeling self -conscious and wondering if he truly and really thinks that you are just fine. The worst part is that before this, you didn’t worry about it. You didn’t have much if any insecurity about your body-but now you are left wondering.

If your abuser is like mine, he will recognize your sex appeal to others, and will call you a slut or some similar reference, but with a smile on his face and then tell you “Oh come on, I’m only joking, you are too sensitive” should you react to this. He is hoping that you will be so offended by this, that you will do anything in your power to prove that isn’t true. So you will stop dressing sexy, stop flirting with men and shun any attention, and for sure won’t be seen with other men-because you are anything BUT a slut and that’s exactly what he wants you to do. He has now effectively controlled whether you will cheat on him or not, find anyone better or “get back” at him by sleeping with another, because should you do any of the above-well, you were just a slut. This same man though, might suggest that you wear something provocative to one of his functions, just so he can show you off on his arm as “his hot woman.” On your own accord though, and without him-that is not allowed. Remember-on your own recognizance, you cannot attract a man solely on who you are. It’s because you are a tease, a flirt and naïve. If you are unavailable to him, you must be playing him, lying to him or hiding something. And if you only acted like the “one that got away”, you might be able to secure his heart forever. Oh, but he doesn’t mind it if you’re a whore to him, and him only. In this sense, the “freakier” you are, the better-and he will do whatever he can to insinuate and imply that all other women do (fill in the blanks) to satisfy their mates. Your head is spinning now, isn’t it?

Art by Jasmine Cook

Game # 5: Jealous, much?

So, you are into him. He seems into you, though now, he's acting a bit distant. And now, in place of all the wonderful things he may say about himself (and sometimes you), now the start of breaking you down begins. One of the most effective ways is to start planting seeds of doubt within yourself. One of the most insidious forms of jealous and to control your relationships with the opposite sex, is to make you doubt yourself in relation to the opposite sex. Here's how it's done:

Mind controllers, who are often narcissist or people with heavily narcissistic traits- are extremely controlling but not always in the classic, stereotypical obvious ways. For example, they don’t always show jealousy or possessiveness openly. While they are very jealous and possessive people, they will not always let on that YOU have that power over them. Let’s look into this for a minute, because “jealously” is always on the list of red flags to look out for in a potential abuser.

Unfortunately, what these lists are telling woman to look for are the “overt, classic” signs of jealousy, for example, telling you that if you hang out with that man you are friends with he will dump you, you can’t go out looking like that, you are not allowed to talk to any ex’s, will accuse you of sleeping with another, or use tactics such as “you don’t love me” or “I saw you checking that guy out, what, are you fucking him?“ That’s the overt abuse signs. They won’t always call you every half hour when you are away from home. For the truly sinister, they don’t confront you with “Why are you talking to that guy, you want him don’t you?” sort of jealousy, or outright accuse you of sleeping with him-what they will suggest is that you are doing something to encourage and “Lead these men on.“ They will say, with a cool, rational confidence, that these other men paying attention to you are trying to use you, don’t care about you, only want sex from you, so you are stupid to believe in their “niceness” and attention. Then they will imply that you are teasing these men, seducing them and flirting with them and that is why these men think that they even have a chance with you. Tells you to “tone it down a notch”. They are suggesting that no man can be trusted, and that you “asking” to be used.

Here’s how the first conversation in the quest to brain wash and control you with to men may go.
Him: You know that friend of yours, Joe Blow-he seems like a good guy. But I’m wondering-I think he “likes” you.
You: “Ha ha, no way. Joe and I have been friends for years. Besides, he has a girlfriend. He has always been like a brother to me, and we’ve always been platonic.
Him: Well, that may be-but still. I’ve noticed how he looks at you. Us guys, we can tell stuff like this. And it doesn’t help, how you flirt with him.
You: Flirt with him? Are you serious? We are just friends. He knows that I don’t mean anything or that I don’t have that kind of attraction to him.
Him: Are you sure? I mean, I’ve noticed you are like that with a few guys. You are too friendly, too flirtatious. And it doesn’t help how you dress. I mean, you look great-but it’s a bit too sexy and I think the way you toss your head or touch his shoulders-he’s just waiting at his chance to get at you.
You: That’s ridiculous. Don’t you think I’d know by now, if he was trying to “get with” me?
Him: No, not at all. I mean, seriously, don’t be stupid. You do realize that unless a man is gay, the only reason that they are friends with a woman is that they are waiting for their chance to get her into bed? You might be a challenge to him, but trust me, I can tell. I can see it. He’d be happy to see me totally out the picture, so then you could cry on his shoulder and then he will take advantage of it. I KNOW, I am a man. Sucks, but that’s how guys are. I think you should really tone it down around him, and while you are at it, take a look at how you come across to guys.
You: Really? You seriously see that with Joe? Oh my god, I mean, I never meant to be flirtatious, I totally thought that he understood that we were just friends….
Him: Well I’m just saying. Don’t be surprised. I wouldn’t share too much about us with him, because he will use it to try and manipulate his way into your pants. And yeah, there’s a few other of your supposed guy “friends” who I also think are there for one reason. You are naïve, like all women who are dumb like you concerning men‘s motives, in thinking you can be friends with straight guys. Seriously.
You: God, I never really thought of it that way before. I guess I will have to watch what I’m doing now. I don’t want him thinking the wrong thing, especially now that I’m with you.

And from there, it’s lather, rinse, repeat. You will be told this in different ways, many different times, until this happens: You second guess every single male friend you have in your life that is straight. You become paranoid of their motives- not your lovers. You also take your “lovers” advice, and don’t share anything you are experiencing in your relationship with him. Here, your lover-abuser has managed to isolate you without you having to be physically isolated from anyone. You then begin to become self-conscious and doubtful of your own behaviors and interactions with men, and you even begin to look at how it is you may dress or dance or walk or talk, in relation to all men. You change it ALL. YOU actually chose to distance yourself from men, instead of your abuser “bullying” you into it. Not because you are insecure….but because you trust him and he is just giving you advice as a guy, the mind of which you really don’t know anything about. This is what Is known as “gas lighting”.

Also at first, you thinks he’s actually complimenting you-as if he’s saying “You are sexy and seductive, no wonder men mis-read you.“ But that’s not what he is inferring at all-especially when every man you interact with-even if it’s a pizza delivery guy, he finds you are “too flirtatious” or “You have that stupid personality of being too nice to people, so guys take that as a come-on”. If they see that another man shows an interest in you-it couldn’t possibly be because that man sees you as attractive, intelligent and interesting-or god forbid, it‘s an innocent exchange of pleasantries with no motives from either side-no, the motives of the other man is always just because you are being a tease and enticing them and all they want to do is use you because of it. That’s a mind captor’s form of “jealousy.“ It’s also “his stuff.” These men are the biggest projectors of their own evil. He‘s accusing your trusted friends, of exactly his own motives with you. That people, is one of the soft predators mind game. See how subtle and insidious? This form of abuse is extensively damaging-for this very reason. These men-they are good. But now you, are going to be better, because you too are going to start to ‘de-code.”

Eventually, this attitude of his could lead to jealous rages behind closed doors. But the intent here is to make you self- conscious of how you interact with men and to make you wonder if you aren’t being a tease and leading anyone on and of course-to instill a sense that the only man you can find trustworthy is him. Naturally, the first time he mentions this, you think it’s absurd. After repeated exposure-it begins to program you.

They say repetition is the best way to learn, and a habit is developed by repeating a behavior. These men are broken records. Rarely do they deviate from their scripts. It’s also the method of brainwashing. Or, they could be like one guy I was with-who simply said "It's cuz you're a slut" when he learns of you dating, or having dated. He then follows that with "What, it's not like you are a whore, you don't get paid for it. I'm just kidding, you are too sensitive, god" with a big smile on his face the whole time.