Game #26: Be there, or be square

You want to get closer to him, yet he’s still always “too busy.” When he makes the time for you, he assumes and has an air about him that suggests he really believes that you are just sitting around waiting for him. He doesn’t ask “So what are you doing tonight?“ He will call or text and say “Hi, get your stuff and come over.“

If in fact you are busy yourself when he comes sniffing around, wanting to see you, he will seem offended you aren’t available as his tone grows cold. Either one of two things will happen next: He will either begin to hound you with attention, or, he will “punish” you by disappearing for awhile and then not be available when you offer to see him another time soon. The bombing- you- with- attention comes pretty early in this relationship-because he’s controlling you. He doesn’t see that you are a woman with a life-a job, family or friends that you have plans with and spend time with, he sees this as a challenge and a “chase”. He fears that maybe you aren’t being honest with him, and your plans to have dinner with your best friend for example, is really a date with someone else.

He doesn’t trust you-but he’d never come right out and ask if you are with anyone else. However, he’s also pretty confident that you are not. The game is to control you so that you will always make yourself available to him.

So you may get quite a deal of attention from him if YOU are busy-because if you are with another, he will be able to tell if you don’t text him back right away, call him back shortly or aren’t home early. You will be “punished” for that, if in fact you don’t get back to him right away- but not out in the open. He would never say “I’m feeling insecure, jealous or wondering if you are with another” and rarely would he fly off the handle and make an accusation and go into some jealous tirade. Many abusive men do. But only if given a tangible reason, such as they saw you talking to some man, they saw a picture on a social network site. He knows that he’d seem a bit imbalanced if he were to accuse you of anything simply because you didn’t answer his text right away. Yet that’s what he’s thinking. He is thinking this, because that’s what HE does. When he doesn’t answer your text, your calls, his cell phone is off-it’s a sure bet that he’s up to something that would hurt you, or make you call the whole relationship off. He assumes that everyone else is like him, too. You don’t look under beds, unless you yourself hide there.

Strangely enough, at first you are flattered by this as you think “Aw, he really does like/love and care about me. You see this as his way of showing feelings and love for you, because he seems to be jealous and just won’t come out and say so. You think it’s cute. But trust me-as the relationship progresses and you find yourself intentionally trying to make him jealous in a feeble attempt to get him to see your worth-it will backfire on you, and big time.

He is also manipulating you again: Should you not be available at his beckon call, at the drop of the hat-then you are to be suspected. You are hiding something from HIM. He can’t give you anymore time if he feels that your attention is not towards this relationship. He didn’t think that you were open to other men, that’s why he’s even trying to change the things he needs to so someday you can both take it to a new level he‘ll claim-so if there’s something he should know, he needs to know now, or he’s done with it. He wants to give you the appearance that he’s off somewhere trying to “fix” himself, so when he’s ready, he will come rushing into your life as Prince Charming and sweep you off your feet, and give you what you want. But hey-if you aren’t willing to wait around and be completely devoted to him-he’s not even going to bother to get his life or self together.

He’s now got you feeling that you need to prove to him your intentions towards him-you aren’t that girl that cheated. You aren’t trifling around. You aren’t playing him. You wouldn’t hurt him like that, after all he’s shared. So-you now make sure that whenever you hear from him, you are around-you respond right away, giving him no reason to suspect you or to use that he believes “actions speak louder” against you. That’s his silent dog whistle-that you just ran to. You are now conditioned to respond to him and be available for whenever he pencils in the time to pay attention to you. One more pull on your leash, and the noose-grows a little tighter.

Game # 22: ContraDICKtions

As if all the crazy making stuff they’ve been doing thus far isn’t enough, along comes “contradiction.” Thus far, we’ve been told we think too much, we analyze too much, we doubt too much. We don’t believe enough in him (thought we’ve forgiven his transgressions many times), we aren’t “letting” him be good to us, we jump to conclusions and we make too many assumptions. We are stupid in relation to other guys, and we are stupid for trying to be smart. I haven’t even gotten into the subtle ways that they try and make us feel insecure about our looks and sexuality and bodies, but that’s coming up.

They’ve infiltrated our minds subtly, planting seeds of doubt about his feelings for us, and about our own reactions to his very odd and now detached behavior. We’ve come accustomed to making sure we are around when he beckons, and to begin to censure ourselves when communicating. When we have stood our ground or have argued, we are then accused of being too hostile, irrational, emotional and taking and perceiving everything wrong. With all this, we simply become so focused on ourselves and what we need to do, not do, change or give more of to make him come back around to that great guy we met, that meanwhile, he’s getting away with whatever it is that is on his agenda for us. They have acted paranoid, entitled, and have very convenient memories, yet accuse us of not listening.

But nothing is more disabling to our hearts and psyches, than the contradictions. This is where you begin to wonder if they have a split personality, and where they give us the “Jekyll/Hyde” treatment.

There’s no better way to describe it than to list some.

After about a month or two of dating my psycho, he informed me that a woman from his past came back into his life. It “distracted” him, and this was one excuse he gave for not having contacted me in over 5 days, not returning my calls.

He ended up telling a mutual friend, that he was into me, but that he wanted to see if there was anything still there with this woman from his past. Crushed, I called him and laid into him as to why he would relay this to my friend to tell me, and not directly to me. He said “You know, I told her about you, and she didn’t react like this, so, bye!”

A few days later it was “I know I’ve given you reason to react, I haven’t always been cool.”

Says “ I have to get my life together before I can think about being in a relationship.”
A few days later, he tells me that he’s going to date her.
A week later, he calls and says he doesn’t want it to be weird, if I run into him and his “girlfriend.” Fastest “getting a life together” ever. He ought to blog.

5 weeks later, he calls to see me. I said “What about your girlfriend?” He says “Oh, she was never my girlfriend. You read into that, just like you did me and you. I just said that to make you go away.”

Calls to tell me that he doesn’t want me to not be a part of his life, he doesn’t want to become a chapter in my book, he wants me there, he doesn’t want me to fade away, he wants us to at least be friends.
A couple weeks later, I call to ask him if he wants to go grab a hotdog or something, as friends would do.

He calls back and says “If you are calling to say Hi fine, if anything more, don’t bother.”

When I asked him to clarify, since I thought he said he wanted to be friends and have me in his life, he states “I just said all those (nice) things, because it’s what you wanted to hear. I didn’t want it to end icky.”

Told me “you are the kind of person I want in my home, in my bed, I’m very intuitive.”
Later tells me “Well maybe I saw things in you that I didn’t like, didn’t want to get to know.”

In relation to this woman, he said “If my life was more together, I wouldn’t even want her.”

A few weeks later when being confronted by me on a totally different thing he fucked me over with, he distracts and railroads by saying “She’s it, she’s the one, and I want to marry her.”

THAT’s when I stopped talking to him.

We make up after almost 2 years no contact. He obviously didn’t marry her. On the contrary, she did to him, what he’s done to me, and allegedly, ended up cheating on him. Karma. You’d think it would be a bitch, but, he learned nothing. Though he told me

“I’ve changed. I’m different now. I’ve been humbled.”

Foolishly, I believed this. Oh it took more than that sentence, but it was all along those lines. He hooverd me, but good.

The contradictions continued.

“I want to treat you like a queen, be that great guy to you.”
Then
“Still feel shitty, need time to figure out what I want.”

“I know we fit.”
“Something’s not there.”

“We need to talk, I want to see you and clear the air!”
“Given this much thought, think its best to give it time, nothing I can say will change anything.”

“Want to give you what you want, want a happy ending.”
“I sometimes doubt my ability to give us a fair shot.”

“If you know nothing else, know that no one turns me on like you do! No one but you can satisfy me!”
“Didn’t want to tell you this, but you are the only one I have this problem with, YOU are the problem” (in relation to his impotency issues)

“I don’t know why I was a jerk to you, you didn’t deserve it then, and especially, not now. The way I was to you before was because of my problems, you did no wrong!”
“Well maybe if you weren’t capable of acting and reacting like you do, I could’ve wanted more.”

And it goes on and on. Oh there are SO many more. I’m sure I’ll repeat some, and I’m sure I will remember more in later postings. But the truly remarkable thing, is that often these contradictions were said within 24 hours of one another. Literally, he’d wake up the next day, and come out with something exactly the opposite of what he said before. This lead me to often wonder if the times he was “nice”, if he wasn’t under the influence of something-or vise versa.

What do you do with this? You try and figure out which statement is true. There’s the stuff we want to believe, then there are the bitter hurtful things they say that cut like a knife and feel like a thousand paper cuts with lemon juice thrown on top for good measure. That’s when we look at their actions, to indicate which statement is fact. So, if they proclaim “care” “love” “insatiable lust”, but then don’t ACT or DO anything to back that up, that’s when we usually approach them and with the “Uh, yeah……what the hell do you really feel for me?? Cuz you are totally confusing me!”

And that’s when we are blasted with all the other games. Or, they are simply “confused” and we need to be patient and tolerant to that. Evidently, their confusion is highly contagious because I don’t think there’s anything more confusing than to have your mind played like an invisible ping-pong table. Black is white, white is black, down is up, up is down. You simply can’t pin them down to not only a straightforward simple answer, but you can’t trust that what they say one day, they will mean tomorrow. This has us dancing on glass, waiting for the Jekyll/Hyde to emerge. We begin, and rightfully so, to doubt their words of love and care, because we’ve been so let down with the emotional smart-bombs they drop on our heads, the exact opposite of anything loving and caring. Then they are mad at us, for doubting them.

And the mental merry-go-round continues to whirl.

Game # 7: The breaking you down begins

• Let's re-cap the first 6 games.

• He sucked you in, and sucked you in fast. Speed of light fast. He flattered, he charmed, he seduced. He brought you into an intimacy by "sharing" deep feelings, fears, desires, wants and needs. He related to yours. He slept with you right away. Adorned you with attention, and you are like no other woman was.

• He made you feel special, unique, different from all others, while he also subtlysuggested what he liked/didn't like in a woman, challenging you to be one, not the other. He bragged, he showed off, he made his opinions/beliefs and desire to always be right, intimidating to you. You want to please him. Meanwhile, he gave red flags-more than a communist parade about what he's really about-and you missed them.

• He implied commitment, or he rushed into one. Maybe you married him. He has you feeling as if it's you and he exclusively, either overtly or implied with words everyone would read into as commitment. You're "his girl."

• You begin to see signs of a "darker" side. He's got problems with people, he's haughty, arrogant, and angry at other's alot. Other people are stupid and "dont understand me." He tells stories of his childhood, past relationships, current life problems and you may discover a personal issue, ie, drinking, drugs, financial, that rationalizes to YOU the strange behavior emerging. You want to "help."

• He begins to control you, and the first way is to isolate you from other men. While many abusive men do this overtly, many do not-as you learned from the post.

• Now he is beginning to push you away, and to pull away from you. You believe this is a normal sign of "cold feet", as many well-meaning relationship advisers tell you as normal men feel they are falling for you, they often retreat for a bit. You believe the same of this guy. Except what you don't know yet-this retreat is permanent. Welcome to game 7, which is.....the start of breaking down your self-esteem, worth and confidence.
  

By now, some of the “nice guy” bullshit has been eliminated and in it’s place, is the backing off, seemingly cold feet, distancing and moody guy. You’ve noticed mood swings, he’s come off on you for no reason at all when you haven’t done anything wrong, he’s blown you off a few times, he’s distance and rejecting your affection-whatever the source of your discontent, you know that communication is the cornerstone of any relationship to work. Yet you bring something up and it enviably turns into an argument.

He begins to find fault and is highly critical of you. His reactions to things are abnormal. Here's an example:

Shortly after I met my biggest and LAST abusive guy, I expressed to him how much I love red wine. He of course, hated it. I used to also, until I was “turned on” to a particular kind. I went to buy a bottle of It, because I wanted him to try it. If he liked it, then maybe he’d venture into trying others. I loved trying to convert non- wine drinkers into wine drinkers. If he didn’t like it, that’s okay too…..more for me. While I was at the store, I found a bottle that had his name on it. He has a rather unusual name, unusual that men his age typically didn’t have it. It was more of an “old man” name. The label said “Sweet His Name.” I thought that was hysterical, since he was a lot of things- but sweet is not something I’d ever describe him as. I thought he’d find humor in that too, and that we could have a lot of fun drinking it and seeing if it tasted awful-to which I would’ve razzed him and had a lot of fun playing with him about an awful tasting wine that’s named after his "sweet" ass.

He however, took this and completely thought it was weird. One, weird that I was giving him a bottle of wine, and two, that it had his name on it. He even asked me if I had made the label, since the design was a sketch drawing portrait of someone. It’s ironic because I do draw-but not wine labels. I was thinking to myself" what kind of a weirdo reacts this way to being given a bottle of wine?" and annoyingly thought " Oh yeah, I drew the label-complete with a bar code and the surgeon general’s warning on it, idiot." What the hell was wrong with this guy?

Instead, his reaction was so persistent and so weirded out, that I really began to wonder if it was me. Was I being creepy bringing him a bottle of wine? Was it too soon to give him a “gift”? We had only been seeing each other a couple weeks. Was I coming on too strongly, did he take as I really thought he was “sweet” and I was like psycho-ish in love with him already? I believe that’s how he intended me to feel, and what was a very innocent gesture for someone I liked, filled with humor and the hopes of fun, was now twisted into something weird, hurtful and confusing. This didn’t happen just once- at first, anytime I attempted to be nice to him, I was met with this attitude.

When I dropped off a birthday present at his house with a girlfriend of mine when he wasn’t home and didn’t answer his phone all day, I was read the riot act and interrogated with the 3rd degree as to what I was doing there, what it was I would’ve done if I saw another car in his driveway, what was my intentions, and that it was simply psycho that we had done that. The next day, he’s calling and apologizing profusely for getting loud, he knows that he does that, he didn’t mean to yell or make me feel like a child, he knows that he’s given me reason to react, blah blah. Dr Jekyll /Mr. Hyde. You accept the apology though, as I did….because he seems so sincere, he’s explaining things to you now, he doesn’t want to hurt you, he didn’t mean to be an asshole-and you forgive it. He’s being nice now. This is a sign in your mind that THIS is who he really is, not this mean guy that over -reacts and takes everything you do wrong, then accuses you of always taking him wrong. No, underneath the bad guy, is the good guy...right?