Why does he pick us? Part one

Then why us?

A few years ago, psychologist came out with a term called “Emotional Quotient.” This was to measure a person’s emotional capacity, versus “Intelligence Quotient”, otherwise known as IQ.

There are many people with above average IQ’s, who score low on EQ. A high IQ means that you are often successful, cerebral, driven, intellectual and can function just fine in society….even if your EQ is low.

A high EQ can exists even if a person’s IQ is average or below. ….but a high EQ is a rarer breed than a high IQ.

Trouble I think can certainly ensue, for those with a high IQ AND a high EQ. Not only does one with a higher IQ have more awareness of the world, ponder the existence of man and generally over-analyze and think too much, but coupled with a high EQ, they also feel everything intensely. I believe artist, musicians…creative types in general, probably score highest in EQ, with or without a high IQ.

We all know the measurements for determining IQ. But what of EQ? EQ is one’s ability to feel compassion, empathy, lack of prejudice, ability to put themselves in another’s shoes. it’s the ability to understand how another person may feel or think in a given situation, even if they themselves have never fully experienced it. It is the ability to love, forgive, to nurture and care for, and most importantly to be able to get out of one’s self and sublimate personal needs for the betterment of other’s. it’s the ability to understand rather than to be understood, to comfort rather than be comforted, and to over all want to make a difference and do good in the world. It is not fame seeking, social climbing and it is not shallow….a person with a high EQ sees the hearts and souls of others, not the bank accounts, job positions, material possessions, name dropping or body image of others. It really could care less about how one looks or what they drive, it cares more about the heart and soul of the person.

High EQ people are very sensitive and often tragedies around the world can deeply affect them, whether they know anyone in the areas or not. The nightly news can trigger disturbing thoughts. Those with high EQ are prone to depressions and anxieties, and coupled with a higher IQ which is more likely to be aware of many injustices and craziness in the world, it can really become a tormenting way to live, if there isn’t great love and support around these individuals.

And those with high EQ are susceptible to being abused.

Abusers have a very low EQ. Oh, they feel greatly about themselves, and their feelings, but their ability to feel for others is limited, indeed. Often, a mark of an abuser is their inappropriate emotional responses. They will laugh and seem un-affected by things most would find disturbing, and they react with anger and rage towards kindness and love shown to them.

In most cases, they are very backwards in their worldview, emotionally. Which is why you will often see them professing love for those who are just like them, and seeming to hate those who offer them what would be considered a normal, healthy love and relationship.

Do people with EQ also have an above average naivetivity? That will be discussed in the next post.

So, what's wrong with us? Part one

These next few postings.....I feel very passionate about. I'd say that these are probably the hardest ones for me to write, actually. Probably because I take a very alternative view than most forums, websites and blogs in terms of my beliefs about how we fell prey to a relationship(s) like this.

For us all-even one toxic relationship such as this earns us an honorary PhD in psychology. By the time everything is said and done, we have learned more about human nature and abnormal psychology than any textbook or classroom could teach us. A large part of this is due to the obsession that happens to try and understand this man, and in our "research", we absorbed information and psycho-babble like a sponge.

To me, it created a dichotomy as one part of me understood and became "enlightened", yet another part of me became even more confused-as the lines of what exactly the root of his problems are, what "label" I could really attach to him, became more blurred. This is when my counselor pointed it out that what really should matter is not so much what he is but HOW he is, and that's all I really needed to know-that, and nothing I could do or not do would change it.

That said, it only brings comfort when we realize that it isn't us. That is, that he is, was and will be the same way to another woman. This is an area that until we truly believe that, can often wound the most, as we imagine him with another treating her as we should've and wanted to be treated, or we actually see him involved with another and doing things he didn't do with us. For awhile. If you are able to find a past lover or spouse of his, ask her. You'll see, that he wasn't different. And he won't be to the next.

We tend to personalize it all-because he told us be it directly or indirectly, that it was us, or he pointed out so much that he didn't like about us, was constantly hypercritical, fickle, "picky", condescending and quick to point out the negatives-that we are led to believe that if we were only this, that or the other thing-he'd be happy.Espeically if he cheated, and particularly when he compares us to others that have been in his life, or are in his life vicariously (ie, his best friend's wife, his brothers' girlfriend, YOUR best friend)-well, he wants us to believe its a flaw in us that creates his monster, and that he isn't just a jerk to all women.

But he is.

Meanwhile, we wonder-or others around us wonder while we are still in denial-what is OUR problem? Surely, we must be just as crazy as he is, just as damaged and have some serious issues of our own, right? And we beat ourselves up about as much as he does mentally, constantly berating ourselves for being stupid, naive, "too nice", or still loving him when he's been such as ass. We hate ourselves for missing him, think there must be something terribly wrong with us for not being able to feel hate or enough anger to leave him, and so we begin to look for a label for ourselves.

One of the most popular ones in recent pop psychology has been the notion of "co-dependency." This term was originally created to explain the behaviors of loved ones and families of people who have alcohol or drug problems.

Interestingly enough-alcoholics and drug addicts take on an abuser's personality while they are in their addictions. They become secretive, dishonest, immoral, selfish and self centered in a completely pathological way, they manipulate and con and hide to maintain their addiction, and they blame the outside world or their live circumstances for why it is they must use drugs and alcohol. Once they get help and treatment-lots of that disappears.

For an abuser-it doesn't.

And lots of abusers use drugs and alcohol, which is why so many of us are convinced that its the addiction that has created this person in him, and so we become "co-dependant" in trying to "save" him. I personally believe that co-dependency is created in response to being in a toxic and abusive situation. I don't believe that we suffer from "co-dependency" and then as a result, attract all these losers to us. Yet, there are many who will say that there must be something deficient in us and in our psyche's that has made it possible to become "co-dependant. And, that co-dependency is a "disorder", a "dysfunction"-in other words, a "negative."

In doing this, I believe that it victimizes people further. Now, some will argue that there are no victims, only volunteers. Other trite sayings such as "You teach others how to treat you", and "You create your own reality" and "No one can bring you down without your consent." Or my personal favorite, "Like attracts like." Are you flippin' SERIOUS? They obviously haven't dated a real psycho.

NONE of it was consenting. Like him? Huh? I created this??

None of it was something we volunteered for, saw coming or ever wanted. Some say being a "victim" is dis-empowering, yet, saying we are "volunteers" is one of the biggest slaps in the face of all. Really? I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Yes, we have choices. Ever try and leave an abuser? Of course you have. He's tried to leave you, too. But he ain't going anywhere, even if he cuts you off and leaves you and finds another-he will still try to get to you- or, until you take drastic measures, and that's only if he hasn't scared the shit out of you enough to do so. And that fear could not just be physical, IE, I will kill you, but there could be all sorts of "consequences" and "repercussion" for abandoning an abuser.

They are like a stray animal-feed it once, and it keeps coming back. So, it's not like many of us didn't try and stand up for ourselves, didn't have a backbone or were so weak, blinded and programmed that we didn't think "This fucking SUCKS, HE SUCKS, and I WANT OUT." Co-dependant? Not when the only thing you could depend on him for, was getting hurt and emotionally slaughtered.
More later. This topic, this I can go on for days about.

Game 32: "Abuse?" PROVE it!! More brainwashing

Because psychological abuse is not tangible, it’s difficult to prove. Its essentially like seeing a ghost everyday-and while you know that people have heard ghost stories, and that many people believe or are at least open-minded to the idea of ghosts, you still feel a) crazy because you don’t even believe what you are seeing with this man and b)crazy because you don’t think anyone else will believe it, either.

If you haven’t journaled it or written it down-your mind “forgets”. Here he can be truly effective as you forget all the times he’s let you down, the horrible things he’s said, the split personality, the yelling, verbal anger and insults, the ways he’s disrespected everything about you from your time, to your body, to you as a human being-and its extremely difficult to notice the subtle manipulations and games he’s done, because you didn’t catch those at all. The obvious “bad behavior” you can name as wrong. The subtle things that landed you here-you can’t. All you can do is call it “head games” and can’t really explain to anyone by giving a concrete example.

So your mind retreats back and you focus on only the “good” he promised or the tender, sensitive side he faked or that you painfully watched him give to others-especially other women. Your mind goes to that “safe place” and the name on that door is DENIAL.

This, beautiful women, as you know-is what having a psychological abuser in your life is like. The only way to figure out how to truly banish it once and for all, forever and permanently and to protect yourself from future hauntings-is to figure out how you were ever open enough to be a vulnerable target. What gate was left open, what part of you un-protected? What avenue did the ghost find in you, to penetrate? You didn’t invite the ghost, but something was missing that allowed it passage. We need to find that portal, and seal it up. For as I said earlier-you may have ‘let him do it‘-but you didn’t deserve it.

What is going on in us, that is forever chasing his approval? When we think logically, we realize that this isn’t even a man that we even like, respect or approve of ourselves. So why do we care what they think of us? Sadly-the stereotype is created-we must like jerks, we only want abusive men, we want to be with the bad boys, and only the asshole gets the girl. If he was a nice guy, he wouldn’t want nor think to do this to anyone.

It is unbelievable the effects it has. I have watched other women besides myself go through this, before I even understood what was happening. I watched as a man snuck out of the bedroom that he shared with his girlfriend, and snuck into the guest room to go sleep with her friend that was staying in the room. My friend heard them together. Of course, she forgave the guy, and shunned the friend. Then proceeded to have sex with him, after “fighting” with him about his blatant infidelity and betrayal. “He was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing.”

I have watched as another friend, fresh from a miscarriage that her boyfriend didn't show up while it was occurring- because he was out with another woman- track him down at a friends, went to the chair he was sitting in, and got down on her knees and begged him to come home. He in turn told her that he was glad that she miscarried, it was for the best. How could these women do this? I wondered. How could they beg, take back, give themselves and forgive these horrible emotionally abusive crimes against them? What was wrong with them? Then it happened to me.

Both of these men did move on to be with women whom they seemed not to abuse as badly. (though mostly likely do. Just as no one could guess how bad it was with you, the same is true of them with others.) What obsesses us women, what caused the men to be so horrible to us? Or my friends? The years of tearing down of self worth, of blaming, manipulating, lying, twisting, gas lighting, intimidation, threats, comparisons to others, put downs, let downs, contradictions, confusing crazy making conversations, stone walling, ignoring coupled with intense bouts of attention, jealousy, possessiveness and accusations against us, the sob stories of abuses and pains in their past to manipulate the compassion and generosity-all of that, “broke” these once very strong and capable women.

Both had strong personalities to start, hard working, successful, highly intelligent and attractive. Both had “dated down” from what they could get. Maybe the men knew that themselves-and this is how they got them. Its cruel, its vicious-and neither one ever laid a hand on them. It’s abuse, and it’s a destroyer. Destroyer of psyches, souls, self worth and pride, stripper of dignity, causer of shame. It’s the same principle used by Hitler in Germany and other evil dictators. The Jim Jones and the David Kareschs. Whether one person or millions, brainwashing works. Nobody “asked” for it.

And that's what you'll get. You were never hit, you were never raped, no one yelled at you and called you a fat, stupid bitch whore who is worthless-so therefore, you must not have been abused. Which, is total bullshit.

Game # 31 He's got you as a narcissist now, pt 1

To some degree, we all have some narcissism, or narcissistic traits in us. Its necessary I think, for survival and self-preservation. To a more or less degree, we all care what at least some people think of us. We all want approval and acceptance. We’d all like to be perceived as attractive and knowledgeable, or special in some way. None of us want to be stepped on. If we have a talent, we want people to admire it, hire us for it, pay us for it, reward and recognize us for it. I don’t even know if its called “healthy” narcissism, or just being human. But with a narcissist and certainly an abusive one, they have an insatiable greed for all of the above, a black hole surrounding them that simply absorbs, giving nothing back, and absorbs all of your good. They are emotional, psychic vampires-not only do they not see a reflection of their true selves-but they suck the energy and life force out of you. Oddly enough, they will accuse the people they don’t like or who are onto them, as being one of these sinister types.

In times of serious stress and chaos in people’s lives-when people are in survival mode-this form of self-absorption can be expected to a degree, but when people who’s lives are functioning crisis -free and normally, who still expect this heightened sense of awareness, concern, and consideration for them-(narcissists are always in “emergency mode”) it is abnormal. Some people are just the abusers that create that crazy-making “drama” that sucks those close to them into a vortex of shame and unreality. Catcher, pitcher-doesn’t matter. Pretty soon the lines become blurred anyway, because after a lot of time dealing with them and getting abused by them, you can then end up becoming a “reverse” narcissist .

Of course, you are aware that you aren’t perfect either, and so you strive to understand his self centered behavior, and his hot/cold behaviors towards you. Often people who are being emotionally abused start to take on the abuser’s “ways”. Trying to fight fire with fire. It makes sense on a certain level- if you are in Mexico you’d get a lot further if you were able to speak Spanish. When you are with a person who refuses or is unable to learn your language, you find yourself having to speak theirs to get thru to them. We end up stepping out of our normal characters and becoming more “psychotic” ourselves, which is really a normal response to abnormal behavior. This is where terms such as “He drives me crazy” comes into play, because in all seriousness, that is their whole objective. Now that he’s so sick, he’s got you pretty sick, too. This is where “reverse” narcissism comes in-when you are so frustrated, so tired, so bewildered and so emotionally beat up that you feel your only recourse is to stoop to his level in order to “get through” to him.

“Reverse narcissism” steps in, because now you’ve been challenged to be seen as a good person in his eyes, because he’s told you over and over in so many ways and so many times, that he fears that you aren’t. Now you are self-absorbed in how he’s treating you, and you are using his perception of you to reflect back whether you are worthy of being treated well or not. A part of you also feels that how dare anyone treat you this way? Treat anyone this way? You treat people you can’t stand better than how he is to you.

The difference is, your reverse narcissism is not meant to hurt him, you are trying to protect yourself from the pain he’s caused you. Trying to stop him from continuing to hurt you. But the reality is-if in fact you felt truly good about yourself, you wouldn’t need him to reflect to you that you are okay. His approval and thoughts of you wouldn’t matter. You’d be able to see him for what he is-a loser-and move on. A part of you does. But that vulnerable part of you inside can’t accept it. Maybe you’ve been abused in your past. You may be harboring your own shame, guilt, and feelings of being undeserving. Maybe this is a familiar dance and while toxic, it’s the “devil you know.” You may have been “love-starved”, wanting so badly to find the “one” and to be in a happily ever after relationship. Those are the “tells” that he brings out for us to “show.“ Those are the things that made you vulnerable to his abuse. And if you’d had prior abuses in your life-well, just as abusers will move on and just abuse the next woman-those of us with abuse in our past, often move on to yet another abuser.

You MUST KNOW THIS

You didn’t ASK for it.
You didn’t “let it” happen
You didn’t “choose” this
You didn’t “want” this
You didn’t “deserve” this
There isn’t anything “wrong” with you
You are not “crazy”
You are not “psycho”
You are not “weak”
You are not “stupid”
You are not a “fool”
You have nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrased by. HE DOES.
You are not "fucked up"
You are not a "slut" a "whore" a "tease"
You are not a "bad person"
You are not "evil"
You are not "ugly" "fat" "worthless" "conniving" "difficult"
You are not a doormat
You are not "silly" "dumb" "ridiculous" "disturbed"
You are not "man hating" "vindictive" "bitter" "cold"
You do not have "issues"-nothing close to like he does
You don't need a therapist as much as you need an exorcist after him
You don't "hate yourself"
You have been brainwashed
You have been manipulated because you ARE:
Beautiful.
Sexy.
Caring.
Smart.
Talented.
Creative.
Loving.
Giving.
Forgiving.
Compassionate.
Empathetic.
Open.
Honest.
Real.
Special.
Human.
And yes, you ARE a BITCH...Babe In Total Control of Herself!

And that's why he picked YOU.
You ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.