So, what is our problem?

They, being some "experts", will tell you that you have "issues."

They will say that your low self-esteem caused you to be enamormed with this man, and subsequently abused.

They will tell you that if you loved yourself more, then you wouldn't of stayed with him.

They will tell you that you are weak.

They will tell you that your parents are the reason that this man got into your life.

They will say that you are disturbed, perhaps insecure, and that you need psychological counseling indefinitely.

Funny thing is.....we may not have needed it, until we met him.

See, my parents were abusive.
My mother a narcissist and an alcoholic.
My father a physical batterer.

Yet, my first boyfriend, whom I dated a year freshman year of high school-treated me like a princess.

My second boyfriend, whom I date over a year the rest of high school-also treated me like a princess.

My third boyfriend, after high school, whom I dated over a year-also treated me well, and would gush about how much he loved my personality, heart and soul. That was his biggest attraction to me.

My 4th boyfriend was the love of my life. Together for 9 years. We had a daughter together. We had our ups and downs, but he too....treated me like a princess. Then he passed away in a tragic accident.

My husband, was my best friend....we were together 7 years. He treated me like a queen. We had our issues....but there was no abuse. We also have a daughter together. The marriage ended for many reasons, and it wasn't a totally amicable ending-but ten years later, I can say that I still care for him, he's a great dad, and I have no hurt or hatred towards him. He still makes me laugh.

So.........what happened?

Who can I blame this on?

The theory that my abusive parents mustve set the foundation was sorta dispelled by the fact that the majority of the boys/men in my formative romantic years and all the way until I was in my 30's-were wonderful. And wonderful to me.

My first sexual experiences were the way they were supposed to be. Within a commitment, with love and respect, and at MY pace.

My male friends also were wonderful and caring.

What did it?

Was it the death of my life's love, that created guilt, sorrow and did I blame myself somehow?

Did my divorce, which was incredibly painful though my choice, also create guilt, a sense of failure, tremendous pressure, did that lower my self worth?

Or was it the murder of my best girlfriend of 18 years by the hands of her husband, that was the final straw of guilt, grieving and suffering for me, where I subconsciously began to punish myself and thus attract the abusive men to me?

Was it a culmination of all of the above?

Maybe. Then explain how the women who have had NONE of the above-no traumatic childhood, loving parents, "normal" lifestyle, successful, independent, driven and beautiful-have attracted and been affected by a psycho.

Is it truly because we have some damage in our lives, because we "learned" how to receive love?

Because after watching my parents-evidently, I knew how to choose better.

So.....what happened?

What happened is, I met a couple personality disordered men. Maybe I felt guilt in life and so I set out to "save" people.

Maybe I learned from my dad that abuse is "normal."

Maybe I needed to subconsciously experience what my best friend and mother did, so I could understand why THEY stayed.

Or maybe, these men are just motherfuckers who know how to manipulate a woman, take any or all of the above issues that any of us may have, spin it around to press these guilt buttons, play up on our compassion and desire to help and save our loved ones, who actually utilize our grief and sorrow to suit their own twisted agendas? Perhaps because they are able to brainwash? They know the buttons, the Achilles heel of our psyche? We let them in and share these painful incidents and they run with it?

We all have insecurities. We all have bouts of low self esteem. And, with a psycho, who the hell wouldnt? You can only hear so much that you don't do something perfect, his way is better, all the wrong things you do, look like and say, and NOT be affected.

Hey, they are the ones abusing.

I came from abuse. AND I DON'T ABUSE.

Therefore, no matter what OUR issues.........

Him abusing us is NOT OUR PROBLEM.

Until later....

So, what's wrong with us? Part one

These next few postings.....I feel very passionate about. I'd say that these are probably the hardest ones for me to write, actually. Probably because I take a very alternative view than most forums, websites and blogs in terms of my beliefs about how we fell prey to a relationship(s) like this.

For us all-even one toxic relationship such as this earns us an honorary PhD in psychology. By the time everything is said and done, we have learned more about human nature and abnormal psychology than any textbook or classroom could teach us. A large part of this is due to the obsession that happens to try and understand this man, and in our "research", we absorbed information and psycho-babble like a sponge.

To me, it created a dichotomy as one part of me understood and became "enlightened", yet another part of me became even more confused-as the lines of what exactly the root of his problems are, what "label" I could really attach to him, became more blurred. This is when my counselor pointed it out that what really should matter is not so much what he is but HOW he is, and that's all I really needed to know-that, and nothing I could do or not do would change it.

That said, it only brings comfort when we realize that it isn't us. That is, that he is, was and will be the same way to another woman. This is an area that until we truly believe that, can often wound the most, as we imagine him with another treating her as we should've and wanted to be treated, or we actually see him involved with another and doing things he didn't do with us. For awhile. If you are able to find a past lover or spouse of his, ask her. You'll see, that he wasn't different. And he won't be to the next.

We tend to personalize it all-because he told us be it directly or indirectly, that it was us, or he pointed out so much that he didn't like about us, was constantly hypercritical, fickle, "picky", condescending and quick to point out the negatives-that we are led to believe that if we were only this, that or the other thing-he'd be happy.Espeically if he cheated, and particularly when he compares us to others that have been in his life, or are in his life vicariously (ie, his best friend's wife, his brothers' girlfriend, YOUR best friend)-well, he wants us to believe its a flaw in us that creates his monster, and that he isn't just a jerk to all women.

But he is.

Meanwhile, we wonder-or others around us wonder while we are still in denial-what is OUR problem? Surely, we must be just as crazy as he is, just as damaged and have some serious issues of our own, right? And we beat ourselves up about as much as he does mentally, constantly berating ourselves for being stupid, naive, "too nice", or still loving him when he's been such as ass. We hate ourselves for missing him, think there must be something terribly wrong with us for not being able to feel hate or enough anger to leave him, and so we begin to look for a label for ourselves.

One of the most popular ones in recent pop psychology has been the notion of "co-dependency." This term was originally created to explain the behaviors of loved ones and families of people who have alcohol or drug problems.

Interestingly enough-alcoholics and drug addicts take on an abuser's personality while they are in their addictions. They become secretive, dishonest, immoral, selfish and self centered in a completely pathological way, they manipulate and con and hide to maintain their addiction, and they blame the outside world or their live circumstances for why it is they must use drugs and alcohol. Once they get help and treatment-lots of that disappears.

For an abuser-it doesn't.

And lots of abusers use drugs and alcohol, which is why so many of us are convinced that its the addiction that has created this person in him, and so we become "co-dependant" in trying to "save" him. I personally believe that co-dependency is created in response to being in a toxic and abusive situation. I don't believe that we suffer from "co-dependency" and then as a result, attract all these losers to us. Yet, there are many who will say that there must be something deficient in us and in our psyche's that has made it possible to become "co-dependant. And, that co-dependency is a "disorder", a "dysfunction"-in other words, a "negative."

In doing this, I believe that it victimizes people further. Now, some will argue that there are no victims, only volunteers. Other trite sayings such as "You teach others how to treat you", and "You create your own reality" and "No one can bring you down without your consent." Or my personal favorite, "Like attracts like." Are you flippin' SERIOUS? They obviously haven't dated a real psycho.

NONE of it was consenting. Like him? Huh? I created this??

None of it was something we volunteered for, saw coming or ever wanted. Some say being a "victim" is dis-empowering, yet, saying we are "volunteers" is one of the biggest slaps in the face of all. Really? I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Yes, we have choices. Ever try and leave an abuser? Of course you have. He's tried to leave you, too. But he ain't going anywhere, even if he cuts you off and leaves you and finds another-he will still try to get to you- or, until you take drastic measures, and that's only if he hasn't scared the shit out of you enough to do so. And that fear could not just be physical, IE, I will kill you, but there could be all sorts of "consequences" and "repercussion" for abandoning an abuser.

They are like a stray animal-feed it once, and it keeps coming back. So, it's not like many of us didn't try and stand up for ourselves, didn't have a backbone or were so weak, blinded and programmed that we didn't think "This fucking SUCKS, HE SUCKS, and I WANT OUT." Co-dependant? Not when the only thing you could depend on him for, was getting hurt and emotionally slaughtered.
More later. This topic, this I can go on for days about.