A Disclaimer

"Abuse" is a powerful word. Yet fitting. Some of the cruelest forms of abuse are invisible, hidden, covert and ambient. I am not a professional but I have de-coded the mind invading games of abusive people. Though I don't intend on making light of this subject, one has to have perspective when realizing how ridiculous the games are. Like the little man behind the curtain of OZ, once you strip away the ruse, YOU get your power back. If you can catch it while it's happening, you can avoid becoming brainwashed and a target to these types of people.

This site is for ANYONE who has suffered from an psychological abuser...and even those who ended up being abused in more overt or physical ways. Anyone who needs healing, of any sex, color, age, creed, background or culture. It doesn't matter if you dated, were married to, related to or worked for....anyone who's been abused this way can benefit. Abuse is not a "female" problem. It is a HUMAN problem.


"WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM."-Maya Angelou

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robert bonfils, 1960

18.12.09

Do women really prefer jerks?


Our ego differences may have been culturally molded. In ancient times, women were revered and worshipped and they were the ones deemed to have all of the power. Ego changed that. Men felt powerless over the women, because they did bring life forth-and they couldn’t, and women made men sexually want them in order to create that life. Men may have resented this power, and so looked for the ways in which they were more powerful. Physiologically speaking, men are stronger and physically capable, and intimidated with that power. Thus, a forced compromise was born. Men will gather, hunt and provide the food. Women will cook it, raise the children, and make some more…food and kids. Period.

In modern tribes in Africa and Brazilian rain forests-this exchange still occurs. These tribes who’s sole focus in life is to hunt food, build their houses, weave baskets, dance around a bit to appease the Gods and build families, still very much fall into the archetypically man vs. female roles. And when the Travel Channel took their cameras in to observe tribal life, so the rest of the world can be awe- struck that people like this still exist-the women there complained.

Here are women with no running water, electricity, clothing even-no access to modern life, no true knowledge of the world around them-who were complaining that their men did not respect them, that they were repressed and that their work was too difficult. One woman even rebelled against the traditional tribal ceremony of having her husband picked out for her. She refused to marry him, because she liked another guy. In the interview she was translated as saying “He’s not as handsome or as swift or as strong as the other, but he’s the one I just like. Don’t know why.”

Even without access to modern amenities and knowledge of anything else really happening in the world, and certainly no subscriptions to Cosmo, this shows that women really aren’t influenced by this macho type of mentality and archetypical roles. We really aren’t into it. Unlike animals, we also have something other than instinct to go by. Language, reason, logic, empathy and having a conscious, the ability to know right from wrong.

While other mammals can be observed and studied for our similar behaviors to them, we have as of yet to my knowledge, conducted any lab testing to see if the female rat would prefer the asshole rat over the really nice rat. Yet these primal drives are still used to explain why it is that women go for jerks, or why men are jerks. Even though we live in modern times, where women can go and hunt and gather their own food at the supermarket and if they wanted to, get pregnant without even having sex, it is still reasoned that as females, we must prefer an alpha male.
By this logic, the fact that a man may act “alpha” would be because he is an animal, and devoid of the other instincts mentioned before. This over-simplifies and negates our very human and conscious side, because when it comes to human emotional connections and relationships, this mythology doesn’t belong. You‘d be hard-pressed to find anyone who ‘likes’, ‘wants’ or ‘desires’ to be treated like shit.

Revenge on a psycho-how being a woman is considered "revenge"


First, let me tell you something about being a woman.
Society is not happy with women being angry. We are called bitter, man-hating, lesbian, heartless feminist, irrational, PMSing, bi-polar, psycotic, sensitive, mood swinging, crazy, intense whack job coo- coo for cocoa puffs insane in the membrane disordered dysfunctional fridgid needs to- get- laid- go- eat-some -chocolate-not- getting- enough- cant- handle- rejection- straight- up insane out- of- our- minds- delirious- bunny- boiling- Lorena- Bobbit- wielding few- fries- short of- a- happy- meal- scary bitch. That’s the typical reaction to a woman who’s angry-particularly at shitty men.

Here’s what it’s also like to be a woman in this world:
If you are single without children after 30, there’s probably something wrong with you. If you have children before 30 and you aren’t married, then you aren’t as good of a woman as a woman who has children in wedlock. If you don’t want kids at all, you are less of a woman and there is something wrong with you. If you stay at home with your kids, you are not a strong, independent woman.
If you have kids and a career, you are not focused on your children, you are selfish and materialistic. If you choose to have your kids live with another for their benefit, you will be seen as a bad mother who doesn’t care about her kids and “left“ them, even if you do what every divorced guy does, which is see them during the week and on weekends.
If you are a single mother and go out and date, you are a bad mom for not sitting at home watching TV all night instead of cavorting around. If you are married too young, you are doomed to have it fail. If you are married and don’t have sex with your man all the time in all freaky ways, he will cheat. If you are not happy in your relationship and you end up cheating, you’re a whore. If you sleep with a man with a spouse or girlfriend, you are a home wrecker.
If you sleep with a man too soon, or just want a man soley for sex, you are “easy” and “cheap” and a “slut.”
If you are in a power position in your career, you are a closet lesbian. If you are in a power position or have your own wealth, you are a “ball buster” and men will be intimidated by you and not want to be with you.
If you are too beautiful, men are intimidated and women hate you, and you are vacuous and shallow. If you aren’t beautiful then you are desperate for any man to come along and “have you.“ If you are thin you must have an eating disorder, if you are overweight, you must have a self esteem disorder and a food addiction.

If you are assertive and stand up for yourself, you are a bitch. If you are nice and caring and giving, you are a people pleaser, doormat or codependent. I’m not sure when compassion, empathy, kindness and love became a “psychological disorder”, such as “co-dependency”, but it has. (Frankly, this “disorder” is created by the abuser themselves, co-dependency becomes the coping mechanism for dealing with the abuse. I don’t necessarily believe you are “co-dependant” first, I believe co dependency develops to cope with the abuse.)
If you are highly intelligent and utilize rational, critical thinking and logic, you are too “manly”. If you don’t like make up and you love sports, you are a tom boy or lesbian. If you like make up too much, then you are insecure and cater to men’s sexual whims and play the sex card for attention. If you say no to a guy, then you are a tease. If you say yes to a guy, then you were too available. If you have small breast, you probably have a complex about it and secretly envy all women with boobs. If you have large boobs, they are probably fake and no one feels embarrassed asking you if your tits are real or not. If your boobs are not real, then the list of adjectives to describe your psyche could fill up this entire blog.

If you enjoy eating a hamburger with a beer, you are hedonistic and a “party girl”, if you’d rather have a salad and a water, you are stereotypical, “unreal” and high maintanence. If you are with a man who has money and you are highly attractive, you are a gold digger. If you are white with a black man, you are a trophy.
If you are black with a white man, you are denying and a hater of your own race. If you are with a man who has money and you are not highly attractive, then they question HIM and his sexuality. If you are with a man and you are highly attractive and he gives you money, then you are using him and a gold-digger. If you are with a man and you are not highly attractive and he gives you money then you are a whore. If you are highly attractive and with a man with no money, then he must rock you in bed. If you are not highly attractive and you are with a man with no money, then like attracts like. If you have all the money and he doesn’t-then he must be using you.You're a sugar mama. Attractive or not.

The list about us as women goes on. And it’s all negative. No matter what you do as a woman-there will be others who will find fault-and a lot of it. Granted, things such as affairs, whether you are the cheater or the mistress, is not right. Yet women are maligned for this far more than men. It is all the negative slant of society basically telling us that we can’t seem to do anything right, that makes it all the more easier for an abusive man to infiltrate and do the same thing. He’s got the whole culture backing him up.

When you accept this-you are then in a position to stand up to this. Yes, it’s unfair. Yes, it prejudicial and ridiculous. Yes, it ought to be changed. But if we live our lives in fear of our image to the world, afraid of what we will be perceived as, we will not be happy. And we end up in the clutches of these bad men who take all of the above, and use it to their psychological advantage. These are keys on his ring of evil, the flagstones he uses to create a pathway you will walk down with your head hung low. You’re a dead woman walking if you march down that path.

Only recently have we even been able to vote, smoke in public or support ourselves outside of a marriage. We’ve come a long way, but being angry is NOT something we are allowed to be outside of closed doors, much less inside. I don’t care what color you are. I don’t care what your culture is. I don’t care if socially it is more acceptable in your particular ethnicity to not be angry, than in another’s. WOMEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. We have the right to expose these men.

The only reason we are willing to “protect” them is that
1) We are still holding on to the idea that maybe it will change and we can be happy ever after, so we don’t want to do anything that they may hate us for and drive away forever
2) Because they have brainwashed us into believing we are the psychos in the movies and on the news and we don’t want him or anyone else believing that we are “psycho”
3) Because socially we don’t want to be perceived as a psycho and out of control like they’ve set us up to be and look
4) Because anger is empowering, intimidating and IT STOPS ABUSE. No one is going to mess with the woman who lets it be known she can’t be messed with. This is where you MUST, even if you FAKE it, tell yourself that you don’t deserve it, even if you “let it happen”, you are worth more, you have RIGHTS to your feelings. You have a RIGHT TO YOUR ANGER. He cannot control your feelings. And if you are secure in that, you don’t care WHAT the rest of the world thinks. The people who truly love you and know your soul, understand. They wont abandon you or leave you for asserting yourself. Even if aggressively. Because look girlfriend you tried all the “assertive” stuff, and it didn’t work. Its like trying to fend off a gunslinger with a toothpick. Your attempts at diplomacy, your attempts to appear rational, sane and controlled as he appears FAILED, and typically backfired on you.

I am NOT encouraging revenge. I am not encouraging you to harm him, or yourself in the process, to do anything illegal, immoral or beneath you to “teach him a lesson.” I don’t believe that “revenge” fixes anything and will often leave you feel worse about yourself, for being “that girl.” What I am encouraging you to do is to leave him, and to express why. DON’T keep his secrets. If he’s kept you like a dirty little mistress in his life, even when you have been the MAIN WOMAN in his life- expose it. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t want to make a man happy. But you realize, you can’t make anyone happy. That’s the fallacy of happiness. Now, back to the psycho games.

Why I call these assholes PSYCHO



Something that many people don’t understand is exactly how the "jerks" work. As men marvel at how women will stay with no -good men, and women insist that there aren’t any good ones out there-what is really missing from this piece is what is truly happening inside the psyches of these people-the jerk that gets the girl, and the girl that stays with him. I believe there are varying levels to this, in terms of degrees of severity. I don’t think all “jerks” end up being abusers, and I don’t think all girls who give jerks the time of day have “no self -esteem.” Sometimes, these “games” in the beginning work. They add to the thrill of the chase, the infatuation-but inevitably someone lets their guard down, and both parties cease with the games; allowing themselves to be vulnerable and settle into a good, loving relationship. A true nice guy, and a truly nice women, cannot sustain these ego games for very long. Eventually, one or the other wakes up, gets tired of playing and either gives in-or gets out. The relationship goes further, or it ends. No matter how much “game” a person is running-if they see someone is truly getting hurt, they will stop the game. Either they will admit to their feelings, and start being “real” or they will let the person go. We can go against our natures for only so long-because ultimately, we all want the same thing: To be loved, respected, wanted, appreciated, cared about and valued. When these “games” don’t stop-and people begin to really get hurt-it ceases to be “All’s fair in love and war.” It turns into psychological abuse, because the “jerk” is a psycho.

“Psycho” however, is the more demonizing way of labeling them. Personality Disordered would be the kinder, more rational way to label anyone who is abusive. Personality Disorders are many, and without getting into the psychological diagnostics and “axis” that they fall under, there are a few of these disorders in particular that are sure bets for potential to abuse. Part of the problem that women face (and we will address this in later posts) is the obsession to find a “label”, a diagnosis and an logical explanation for the ultimate cause of their man’s behavior.

I think its human nature to seek out the cause of a problem in order to understand an effective way to fix it.
However, confusion can reign for the average person not well-versed in psychology, and even the experts themselves professionally disagree about personality disorders, ie, what the origins are, if they can be “cured”, what is the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath? Is he avoidant, or of a paranoid disorder? Anti-social, histrionic, passive-aggressive? It is a for sure bet that if you are with an abuser, that he is one if not a few of these things all mixed together…what psychology would call ’co-morbidity”. To further add to the confusion, many personality disorders share the same traits. A borderline personality disordered individual may often imitate (and vice-versa) -one who is bi-polar in their “manic” stage. With an abuser, it’s a potpourri of mental disorders-psychotic, sociopath (now known as Anti-Social personality disorder- showing no signs of guilt), narcissistic (its always about him) and often, you can throw in a decent addiction or two for good measure-alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex and other self-destructive or reckless behaviors-so diagnosis can be a precarious activity.

However, part of the natural process of coming out of an abusive interaction is the intense drive and desire-almost obsession really, to intellectually understand and come to terms with “what” he is-but this can deflect and take away from who he is. Which might be how you ended up reading my blog. The reason I can write this blog-I did the same thing. I totally get it. Bottom line-the clinical diagnosis of what kind of disorder an abusive person may fall under is best left to the professionals.

While in counseling, my counselor even told me that they really don’t like to focus on the actual diagnosis of the guy (and in all fairness, without him present its really a challenge to do so)because all that really matters is recognizing that he’s abusive and that’s all we in these relationships needs to know. Keep it simple. She was right. All someone who is being abused really needs to know is that the person they are with is abusive, hurts them, toxifies their life and
there is absolutely nothing the abused person can do or not do to change it.

All you really need to figure out, know and understand is that you don’t deserve to be abused, and you can only change whether you are or not, by choosing to stay or leave. This of course, easier said than done. As found on the website “Out of the Fog”, the analogy of “You can’t get rid of another’s infection by taking the antibiotic for them.” fits very well here. So even if you do figure them out-it won’t change anything. It may give you some intellectual relief, but that’s about it. It also is a distraction from the pain, and the greatest benefit of all is in realizing that it wasn’t you. The desire to find an answer is called ’hope’-hope that if you do find reason and cause, he can change, and you will be happy with him. They say in life that as long as we don’t give up hope, we are fine. With an abusive man, its when you stop hoping, and accept the reality of how he is now in the present, is when you will get closer to fine. That's why I call him psycho. It's just easier that way.

17.12.09

Game # 6: The Push-Pull begins


Some of the behaviors he does that you are questioning boil down to feeling as if he’s shutting you out. He’s always got you wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. You feel like there is a secret side to him, he’s up to something. You just have a nagging suspicion that there is something you don’t know. Maybe he has another girlfriend, maybe he’s married, cheating, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s involved in something shady-its vague and unnerving but you feel that you are being left out of knowing him, and knowing something important. He’s given you just enough information about him to suck you in-but there seems to be blanks to fill.

His behavior may be that he doesn’t call when he said he would. He doesn't call you back. He doesn't answer texts-for a very long time. Maybe not at all. He cancels plans a lot. He has said things that leave you with more questions, but you don’t want to sit and question him, especially when the relationship is new, because it’s “none of your business.” You shouldn’t be demanding information from him like this so early in the game-you tell yourself. He will share himself and let you in further with time- you want to believe. If you are married-he comes home from work late a lot, has “business meetings” on a weekend, or “business trips.” Especially if his work does require him to travel-you are left wondering. You feel a “disconnect.“ He goes out with his buddies a lot. You are excluded from many things-yet you yourself don’t have those opportunities. You are “waiting” for him-even when you’re married.

At first, you don’t think the worst of his behavior. He seems flaky, scattered and inattentive when you want him there-but when he comes around and wants something from you, he makes you the center of attention and will make apologies for the times he’s been “absent”-usually with excuses about “dramas” in his life or the favors he’s doing everyone else. Here’s where blaming others and deflecting comes in. He may in fact have some legitimate excuses, or something he will confess to. One of the biggest traps I fell into, was that my abuser was struggling with a cocaine addiction. Maybe yours is a big drinker. Maybe laid off. Problems with money, with family. Or as mentioned, has “issues”. When he begins to use these things as his reasons for his behavior-you readily accept that. That is logical. Phew, a reason. A reason that could be fixed.

Nevertheless, this is why we now begin to tolerate the intolerable. It isn’t us-it’s his problems.
So that’s why he didn’t return your calls, he didn’t answer your texts, he broke plans with you, he called to change your plans for a following evening, or why he didn’t come home last night. He’s just got a lot on his plate and maybe you think, it’s the alcohol, drugs or life problems making him this way. Its not really him. He may even tell you then the ol‘ “It’s not you, it‘s me”. You have now effectively been drawn into the illusion that his treatment of you is based on his past wounds or problems in his life, and again, you are left “challenged”, feeling as though you have to prove to him that you won’t hurt him, and are challenge to help him. This also softens your heart for him, as you think you now “understand.” As a result, you totally forgive him. It all makes sense now, right? He’s telling you it’s not you. You are not the reason why he’s been like this.

At this point, many would question that upon learning or noticing that he may have a substance abuse problem, financial problems or past issues, why you wouldn’t just say “Sorry to hear that, take care and call me when you’ve gotten help.” Its because by this point-he may have eluded to these problems, but also suggested that they were not problematic. For example, he seems to drink as most people do. He only does blow on the weekends, and not even every weekend. You knew he had some financial problems, you didn’t know his ex was after him for child support. He smokes weed everyday the same way a person may have a cocktail after work, as a stress reliever. By the time you find out that these or any other of life’s ‘big deals’ are a big part of his life and a bigger problem than you thought-you are already invested in him, emotionally and/or time wise. Would you just abandoned a loved one for having a problem? Of course not. You would want to do anything you could to try and get them help, support, give them understanding and compassion, NOT judge them and encourage them to problem solve and find a better coping skill. If in particular you are married to him, this is a no brainer-”in sickness, and in health.”

Game # 5: Jealous, much?


So, you are into him. He seems into you, though now, he's acting a bit distant. And now, in place of all the wonderful things he may say about himself (and sometimes you), now the start of breaking you down begins. One of the most effective ways is to start planting seeds of doubt within yourself. One of the most insidious forms of jealous and to control your relationships with the opposite sex, is to make you doubt yourself in relation to the opposite sex. Here's how it's done:

Mind controllers, who are often narcissist or people with heavily narcissistic traits- are extremely controlling but not always in the classic, stereotypical obvious ways. For example, they don’t always show jealousy or possessiveness openly. While they are very jealous and possessive people, they will not always let on that YOU have that power over them. Let’s look into this for a minute, because “jealously” is always on the list of red flags to look out for in a potential abuser.

Unfortunately, what these lists are telling woman to look for are the “overt, classic” signs of jealousy, for example, telling you that if you hang out with that man you are friends with he will dump you, you can’t go out looking like that, you are not allowed to talk to any ex’s, will accuse you of sleeping with another, or use tactics such as “you don’t love me” or “I saw you checking that guy out, what, are you fucking him?“ That’s the overt abuse signs. They won’t always call you every half hour when you are away from home. For the truly sinister, they don’t confront you with “Why are you talking to that guy, you want him don’t you?” sort of jealousy, or outright accuse you of sleeping with him-what they will suggest is that you are doing something to encourage and “Lead these men on.“ They will say, with a cool, rational confidence, that these other men paying attention to you are trying to use you, don’t care about you, only want sex from you, so you are stupid to believe in their “niceness” and attention. Then they will imply that you are teasing these men, seducing them and flirting with them and that is why these men think that they even have a chance with you. Tells you to “tone it down a notch”. They are suggesting that no man can be trusted, and that you “asking” to be used.

Here’s how the first conversation in the quest to brain wash and control you with to men may go.
Him: You know that friend of yours, Joe Blow-he seems like a good guy. But I’m wondering-I think he “likes” you.
You: “Ha ha, no way. Joe and I have been friends for years. Besides, he has a girlfriend. He has always been like a brother to me, and we’ve always been platonic.
Him: Well, that may be-but still. I’ve noticed how he looks at you. Us guys, we can tell stuff like this. And it doesn’t help, how you flirt with him.
You: Flirt with him? Are you serious? We are just friends. He knows that I don’t mean anything or that I don’t have that kind of attraction to him.
Him: Are you sure? I mean, I’ve noticed you are like that with a few guys. You are too friendly, too flirtatious. And it doesn’t help how you dress. I mean, you look great-but it’s a bit too sexy and I think the way you toss your head or touch his shoulders-he’s just waiting at his chance to get at you.
You: That’s ridiculous. Don’t you think I’d know by now, if he was trying to “get with” me?
Him: No, not at all. I mean, seriously, don’t be stupid. You do realize that unless a man is gay, the only reason that they are friends with a woman is that they are waiting for their chance to get her into bed? You might be a challenge to him, but trust me, I can tell. I can see it. He’d be happy to see me totally out the picture, so then you could cry on his shoulder and then he will take advantage of it. I KNOW, I am a man. Sucks, but that’s how guys are. I think you should really tone it down around him, and while you are at it, take a look at how you come across to guys.
You: Really? You seriously see that with Joe? Oh my god, I mean, I never meant to be flirtatious, I totally thought that he understood that we were just friends….
Him: Well I’m just saying. Don’t be surprised. I wouldn’t share too much about us with him, because he will use it to try and manipulate his way into your pants. And yeah, there’s a few other of your supposed guy “friends” who I also think are there for one reason. You are naïve, like all women who are dumb like you concerning men‘s motives, in thinking you can be friends with straight guys. Seriously.
You: God, I never really thought of it that way before. I guess I will have to watch what I’m doing now. I don’t want him thinking the wrong thing, especially now that I’m with you.

And from there, it’s lather, rinse, repeat. You will be told this in different ways, many different times, until this happens: You second guess every single male friend you have in your life that is straight. You become paranoid of their motives- not your lovers. You also take your “lovers” advice, and don’t share anything you are experiencing in your relationship with him. Here, your lover-abuser has managed to isolate you without you having to be physically isolated from anyone. You then begin to become self-conscious and doubtful of your own behaviors and interactions with men, and you even begin to look at how it is you may dress or dance or walk or talk, in relation to all men. You change it ALL. YOU actually chose to distance yourself from men, instead of your abuser “bullying” you into it. Not because you are insecure….but because you trust him and he is just giving you advice as a guy, the mind of which you really don’t know anything about. This is what Is known as “gas lighting”.

Also at first, you thinks he’s actually complimenting you-as if he’s saying “You are sexy and seductive, no wonder men mis-read you.“ But that’s not what he is inferring at all-especially when every man you interact with-even if it’s a pizza delivery guy, he finds you are “too flirtatious” or “You have that stupid personality of being too nice to people, so guys take that as a come-on”. If they see that another man shows an interest in you-it couldn’t possibly be because that man sees you as attractive, intelligent and interesting-or god forbid, it‘s an innocent exchange of pleasantries with no motives from either side-no, the motives of the other man is always just because you are being a tease and enticing them and all they want to do is use you because of it. That’s a mind captor’s form of “jealousy.“ It’s also “his stuff.” These men are the biggest projectors of their own evil. He‘s accusing your trusted friends, of exactly his own motives with you. That people, is one of the soft predators mind game. See how subtle and insidious? This form of abuse is extensively damaging-for this very reason. These men-they are good. But now you, are going to be better, because you too are going to start to ‘de-code.”

Eventually, this attitude of his could lead to jealous rages behind closed doors. But the intent here is to make you self- conscious of how you interact with men and to make you wonder if you aren’t being a tease and leading anyone on and of course-to instill a sense that the only man you can find trustworthy is him. Naturally, the first time he mentions this, you think it’s absurd. After repeated exposure-it begins to program you.

They say repetition is the best way to learn, and a habit is developed by repeating a behavior. These men are broken records. Rarely do they deviate from their scripts. It’s also the method of brainwashing. Or, they could be like one guy I was with-who simply said "It's cuz you're a slut" when he learns of you dating, or having dated. He then follows that with "What, it's not like you are a whore, you don't get paid for it. I'm just kidding, you are too sensitive, god" with a big smile on his face the whole time.

Game # 4: Signs of an abusive personality

Love they say is blind. Infatuation is not only blind, but also deaf and dumb. Here is the basic personality foundation of most abusers-but this is what YOU see.

 His personality seems for lack of a better word, a “spoiled brat.”  But you dismiss it.


1. Illusion: Mental abusers are not always loud-though often accused of it-and are not constantly pompous and arrogant- just most the time. They do show an egotistical side, even when claiming to be humble. But because they are usually so charismatic and filled with “energy”, you shrug it off. Okay, so they are a little vain. But they are entertaining. TRUTH: They are loud, they are egotistical, and VERY vain. Period. It ceases to be entertaining. This is how they really are. It's called "narcissism" or simply put, "self-centered."


2. They are usually always right, and shun any opposition to the contrary. Yet these same blowhards when they get disapproved of, then turn around and kiss the ass of the people who don’t bow down to them. They take abuse as much as they dish out. Illusion: Some can seem to be very self-effacing at times, which is nothing more than a feigned humility designed to have you believe they might be really human, or they are digging for compliments. But more often than not, they over-estimate their talents, skills, aptitude or sex appeal and find it incredulous that anyone else may either think that A) They are superior to them or B)That they are full of shit, period. TRUTH: They always think they are right-and that will include against you, too. They are filled with false humility to manipulate you, and they ARE full of shit. We all want Mr. Right. He's Mr. Always Right. You can never win with him.


Illusion: He's had a lot of people really hurt and fuck him over.
 TRUTH: When you see his egotism, you think he’s just “fronting” and that he’s “not really like that.” So you might joke with him about it-but his eyes cloud over with ire when you do. He then files that away as something to manipulate you with later, by suggesting that the ego you know and love is all smoke and mirrors, created when other woman hurt him. But he keeps haughtily reacting to things like a spoiled brat most the time. So if he is also spinning stories now of all the other grief’s he’s had with people- the alienations, the fights, the tit for tat’s, the drama’s with friends, co-workers, family, etc-that’s a sign. Many of his relationships are extremely tumultuous but he is always justified in his position of being “right.”TRUTH: He's always got problems with people, because he's an asshole.


Illusion: They are insecure, and care about what you and others think of them. They may even tell you repeatedly, "I care what you think about me."
TRUTH: They act like and “front” as if they don’t care what others think of them, but in reality, these people care more than any other type of person on the planet how others perceive them. They just don’t care back. This is because they can only see themselves through what is being reflected back to them. So, when under duress, and someone is disapproving or unaccepting of them-they either strive to win that person over and change the reflection, or they turn on that person-who they may have considered their best friend earlier that morning-on a dime, and filled with an inappropriate- for- the situation rage, hate and begin to blame the other person for all the reasons that are causing the person not to like them. They cannot accept criticism, no matter how nicely or delicately it is presented to them, and if they must-such as in a employer/employee relationship, they seethe with the criticism and then take it out on all those around them. However in their minds, anyone in a position of power and authority above them “loves them” and is “my best work friend.” Their boss “adores” them. The delusions of their own grandeur are intense, but the frightening thing is-they truly believe it.  Anyone who tries to suggest otherwise is just “jealous”.


Illusion: They are great friends to have. They will tell you stories about their buddies and how helpful and "there" for them they are.
TRUTH: They are snakes- in- the- grass sort of friends and will backstab people at the least provocation-yet never confront them to their face. They orchestrate  smear campaign against their friends (and eventually you) that have made them mad. Their friend could’ve just beaten him at pool, and you’ll get an angry diatribe of why that guy is a loser.  They will also use any of your mutual friends to speak their “truth” for them. You will often learn of their no-good deeds or thoughts of you through others that know him. However, they will not think he means harm, or that he is a bad guy. He’s being very passive aggressive. He’s the greatest friend in the world to his friend’s faces-only you know of his hypocrisies behind their backs. He will use them as mouthpieces for himself, if he thinks that he can do so without drawing attention to his true motives with you.


Illusion: People who talk badly about him, are lying, have an agenda, are jealous, or have been "dumped" by him.
TRUTH: If you were to confront him on this and ask him about things you hear, he will angrily rage that “this isn’t high school”-thereby making you feel foolish for giving any credence to “the gossip.“ He has effectively turned your attention away from any rumors about him that are less than flattering, by making you feel stupid for believing in THEM, and not HIM. That’s part of the breaking down of your confidence and part of the gas lighting that they do.  Their ability to twist everything you perceive or question as truth is amazing. Your life with him is a licorice stick, a pretzel, a circus contortionist of reality. So, sign here: If people are telling you conflicted information about him, you are hearing stories about him other  than what he has told you, and he is not angry at them, but rather you-your friends are the ones who are telling the truth. This should also be your first sign that he is planting seeds, designed to sprout “She’s psycho!” flowers later.



But you don't see the signs. You see it as "personality flaws"...after all, no one is perfect.....and the "good" seems to be superceeding the bad. Even though now he's pulling away. Because he is, any concerns you may have, intuitive nudges or wonderment of his "bad side" are shelved as you are now wondering why he is distancing himself. Though he's shown you a sweet, tender side, you see that he seems to have problems with others, but now you are focusing on the problem of why he came on so fast, so suddenly and strong-and now is starting to pull MIA's, and "weirdness." 


Game # 3: The Pseudo-commitment Stage or, I am his, right?


So now he's got your attention fully. You feel like this could be "the one." Lots of these guys do the sweep by throwing out the "I love you's" almost immediatly. For others, its a bit more subtle. But the idea here, is to make it appear that you are "different" than all the rest, and that you are the "important" one. Things said such as "It's been a long time since I've cared", "I haven't felt this way for a woman in a long time" "There is something so different about you"-followed by an implied commitment. Within a few days, or a couple weeks of "hanging out." 


While he didn’t come right out and ask for you to commit to him right away, he insinuated that by saying things like “I know it sounds weird but I don’t want to have to share any woman I’m with, with anyone else.” “God, it will be great not having to wear freakin’ condoms anymore.” He’ll tell you how he was dating some girl and found out she was playing him, because she lead him on to think they had a commitment, and he then found out she was seeing other guys. He then follows it up with “I won’t play you.” 

Now, sometimes abusers will go right into the romance mode and feed you line after line about your beauty, your intelligence and begin to throw the “L’ word around.  They will refer to you as “my girl” in mere weeks of having met you. They may actually take the relationship into a space-sharing mode quickly, or even rush to marry you. But some of these men are just looking to hook you in, with no intentions of ever making it a relationship. If you are with that type of abuser, you begin to sense this and subtly question his true intent. With that, he makes you feel that he is in this “for real”, you are not just a “fuck buddy” and you mean more to him than just a “piece of ass.”  Then suddenly, without warning, after coming on so strongly-he backs off.