How it ended, pt 2-and How it feels when it does

I've lost dear ones who have passed away, I've been divorced from a non-disordered, and I've lost touch with people I've cared about. But nothing, NOTHING could prepare me for this kind of a "loss".

There’s nothing more frightening then emerging from some hypnotic coma to the fact that this man you’ve allowed in your life is disordered and will probably never get help. Getting him to love you is not the way out of it. Loving yourself is the way out of it. To break through the denial requires anger, and not caring anymore what he or anyone else thinks of that. It all hurts, and its so hard to come to terms with.

I was shell-shocked for a couple weeks, barely able to function, once it was all said and done. I couldn’t eat, sleep or think, really. I walked around in a daze. I looked around at other women-on the subway, in the grocery store and I wondered if they would’ve ever taken his crap. I really hated myself for not seeing it, or seeing it but not believing it. I smoked a lot, I drank a lot of wine. Didn’t talk to friends much. The ones I did-I think I scared a few.

I was incredibly tired. I broke out, I could hardly jump in the shower My hair began to fall out from the stress. I felt dissoacted from life, disconnected from people and like I was walking around in an alternate reality. I felt numb, and stressed. I couldn’t relax, rest or focus my attention on much of anything. I had muscle twitches and laid in bed not even being able to feel my body. My thinking was obsessed-all I could think about was what happened. My anger was intense. I wanted to keep coming at him, telling him off, telling him that I see it all now, and I wanted him to pay.

I then would sink into a depression of despair, hating myself for ever loving this man, wondering why I didn’t get out of it when I knew it was all true before. How was it that I would sink back into denial and continue to want to believe there was a normal human being there, albeit just very messed up? I was truly emotionally traumatized.

I know that I haven’t told my personal story here. Given some examples, but I don’t know if I have to. If this has happened to you, you know what story is. These men are shocking and horrific and its amazing that ANYONE can say and do the things that they do, just for effect, not concerned at all how it will make you feel. They learn something hurts you-and just rub your face in. You end up doing it back at him-and shame and hate for yourself creeps in. You’ve let yourself turn into him.

I’d look at people and wonder why they couldn’t see that someone had just chewed me up and spit me out. I’d see people laughing, I’d see friends on Facebook status inane and mundane shallow messages, and I’d feel even more alien, more hurt. I had no black eye, no missing tooth to express what he did to me.

If I mentioned the word “abuse” the first question was “OMG did he hit you?”-and when I said no, they seemed to dismiss it and not give it the merit that being hit would’ve. This hurt and angered me more. I’ve been defending myself against this asshole for some 5 years now, and now I have to defend and “prove” myself against the world.

There is much truth in the saying that unless you’ve been in a relationship with a personality disordered person-you will NEVER get it.

I hid, I withdrew. I couldn’t really carry on normal conversations with people, I couldn’t pretend I was just fine. No one knew, and no one seemed to care-mostly because, no one really knew that this guy was in my life, because he wasn’t presented to anyone as a boyfriend. I had almost wished I was married to him, only to be able to even prove a relationship really existed.

Physically, I had aches and pain, I cried a lot. I became just like him in that my paranoia about people-even friends I’ve had for years, became intense. I questioned everyone’s motives in my life and starting feeling that no one in my life really cared about me at all, and that I maybe ended up like this because I am the bad person. At times, I questioned my own sanity and wondered if I hadn't just taken it all wrong.

In many respects, it was like withdrawing from a drug, where you are literally sick, throwing up, nightmares, unable to function. It’s detox-and it’s not pretty.Many people will say that it's like coming out of a cult, and it's true.

Especially because you are doing it all alone-because you just can’t prove just how bad it’s all been. Alone and lonely in such an intense way it hurts. Which is a big reason I started this blog. I hope to spare even one person from thinking that no one out there could ever understand.

I do. After a period of mourning, I literally had to force myself to go on with my life. All the things I’ve neglected and other problems occurring in my life, had to be dealt with and I felt very much alone. I was, in a way-no one else could do this for me. I wanted to be saved, the same way I tried to save him-but I wasn’t that lucky. I had to stand on my own. Went pretty much cold turkey. I reached out to friends and forced myself to be social. I thought and contemplated about what to do with the rest of my life now-so much time spent wasted on him, ways to help him, I had neglected myself. What do I really want? What am I really doing?

I had to push thoughts of “Will I ever meet someone else again?” out of my mind, saying I’ll worry about it later, at the same time, being totally disgusted at the idea of a relationship. My mind couldn’t even fathom a “normal” relationship, as I’d look at couples out in public, listen to songs on the radio and wonder what it must be like to actually be loved, and wondering if I wasn’t so jaded now that I will never know that. Will I ever believe anyone ever again? Often I’d slip back into denial, where I’d start giving him the benefit of the doubt, wonder if I wasn’t being too harsh, wondering if I had taken it all the wrong way, wondering if I had acted different, would he had been different?

Of course he ignored any attempts at my communications and it only furthered his cause in making me look as though I had lost it, was crazy, stalking him and unable to accept and let go. EVEN THOUGH I ENDED IT.

I looked for support, therapy and to rebuild my shattered heart and scrambled mind. It helped a great deal. Domestic violence counselors will give you all kinds of handouts and “pie charts” that show the cycles of abuse and the minds of abusers, the tactics that they use. Even though you can come across that information yourself-there’s something incredibly healing In telling another person your story, and not only do they believe it, but they too tell you that there’s no doubt, you have been abused. You aren’t crazy.

That’s all you can do. Your life does go on….and should. I know that this can be so traumatic that it can lead you to thinking about ending your life. I don’t think abuse ends up killing women because the man literally kills her himself-I would bet that there are a lot more victims of domestic violence who have chosen to kill themselves as the way out, instead. Its not because you love him so much that you can’t live without him, its because the betrayal is so severe and the reality of dealing with someone truly insane and mentally ill is horrifying. The idea that someone never cared about you at all is heartbreaking and sickening. I know that those thoughts crept into my mind-and that’s when I knew that I was really, REALLY in trouble here. Especially if he’s isolated you in any way, you may not have much friends to go to, and the one’s you do have are also his. You can’t go there. But you can come here. And to other blogs and forums-there is help and support here.

What to expect when reality hits, part two

You only need validation right now because he has taken your self respect, worth and esteem and convoluted it so badly that you don’t even know if you had any to begin with. But you don’t need really need validation, You KNOW IT"S NOT YOU, though this is much harder if you do have a past filled with abuse as you think to yourself on some level, "If I’m being abused, I must’ve done something to deserve it, (or worse)-I must be loved". And no one wants you to believe that more than the person who is abusing you.
And you don’t know who you hate more-him for doing it, or yourself for taking it.

He seems to gets off Scott-free, gets away with psychological murder, and no one else knows. He’s free to move on, do it all over again-and will do it all over again, and you feel somewhat responsible for the next woman he hurts, as if you are enabling his bullshit and his abusive ways by NOT speaking out against it. But how can you? Where is your tangible proof? Where is the visual evidence of the wounds inflicted to you? There is no bruise, no broken bone, no bleeding that would convince anyone that he’s dangerous. As someone online once said “At least you can name a punch.“

There’s just you, and what you KNOW to be true. Besides, he’s conned everyone outside of the relationship into thinking he’s a great guy, because he’s great to them. Even your own friends and family have a hard time believing it’s as bad as you say. How do you prove it? How can you stand up against it? There is no emotional abuse court. It’s not the National Coalition Against Domestic Psychological Abuse. But it is mind violence.

This why if he just up and leaves you, it is a true blessing, and good riddance. Don’t wonder and wait if he will be back. Don’t be upset if a week, two or six months passes, and he’s straight up gone and you haven’t heard a thing. Don’t feel bad that you’ve learned online that abusers always come back, and yours hasn’t, so maybe he didn’t really love you. You have to stop considering the fact that the abuser ever “loved” you, and stop seeing his manipulations to come back and do it some more as some weird evidence of “love” for you. Snap out of this. You want him gone and you want him to move on and you want him to know- you can no longer be abused. Trust me, for the abusers who don’t or won’t let go-if you are left to do the leaving, it can cost you your life. The only way to end it, is to get out of it. Easier said than done. If you are still asking “Can an abuser change?“ or fearing if you asserted yourself, he’d hate you and leave you, then you are not ready to end it. You haven’t “hit bottom.“ If you at that stage, consider this:

1) Yes, it really happened. You were played, manipulated, gas lighted, used, criticized, verbally abused and totally controlled. You are NOT crazy, psycho, volatile, insane, whack job, weak, dependant, worthless, stupid, idiot, blind, or anything other negative thing you’ve been told-or that you have told yourself. You didn’t misunderstand him or take him wrong. Don’t listen to the statements such as “If you weren’t capable of acting this way then maybe I could’ve wanted more!” It’s horseshit.

2) Yes, you loved. But it ended up being the same way that a diabetic loves chocolate, a smoker loves a cigarette, and gambler loves money. The good, pure altruistic love and pleasure you felt in the beginning, morphed into something that wasn’t good for you-and like an addict, you yearned and craved it to go back to how it was. You chased a high. You fell in love with someone’s potential. Sadly, many people never live up to their potential, and he may be one of them-and nope, you weren’t the woman to get him there. No woman will. You have to realize that and understand it-these men really don’t change. They are “therapy-proof”-because they honest to God don’t see nor believe that they are at fault. Their minds are truly inverted to the truth. Is there the rare man that could? Your odds of winning the lottery are much greater than having your man be that guy. Why risk it, when there are so many good ones out there?

3) No, not everyone in the world has a good side. A genuine good side. Some people seriously have a good side as an act, a façade, a ruse, a veil-whatever adjective you can think of to describe his mask. Sometimes good people do bad things-and sometimes, bad people do good ones. Anyone capable and willing to hurt you this way-is the latter.

4) It is OK TO BE ANGRY! And it’s okay to express it, feel it, show it-to be a bitch! It is NOT okay to take it out others, and it’s not okay to hurt yourself with it. Especially if you aren’t married to him or living with him-if you want to lay into him and tell him exactly what you think-do it! Call him out! Let him know you are onto it! Don’t fear the reaper, because your relationship with him has been dead pretty much as soon as his abuses started, which if you are honest with yourself, wasn’t long after you met him. It’s very difficult for these people to maintain a masquerade of “goodness” for long to the females they become intimate with.

5) Be as honest with yourself as you wanted him to be. Make a list, one side what you like about him, one side what you don’t. And make sure the “likes” are valid and verifiable, i.e., his actions have proven that this is true. Don’t make the “likes” side be your wishful thinking side, what you just KNOW in your gut he REALLY is-only write down what you have seen and experienced with your own two eyes….not what he’s told you to believe of his good, certainly nothing you’ve heard. He’s not a very good authority on what’s good in the world- including himself.

6) Now do the same for yourself. The stuff you like, the stuff you don’t. Now, realize this: Everything on his list-YOU CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT. PERIOD. Everything on your list? Is within your total control.

7) Recognize you do not need him, you don’t want him in his current form, you want the guy you THINK he could be or really is to everyone else-but that you CHOOSE him. This is what they really mean by “letting”. It’s a choice. He can’t abuse you if you are not there. He’s got no one to leech energy off of, if there’s no one to take it. Hand the crown over to someone else-you’ve done your time, girlfriend.

8) Make a list of all the things you WANTED from him, and never got. Make a list of promises he made-and never delivered or made good on. See for yourself that you deserve better. If your best friend came to you with this list, what would your advice be?
Then, (and maybe you need a glass of wine for this)-ask yourself why you would only be satisfied to get those needs and wants from him. Other men may have come along offering you what you claim you really want. But they weren’t HIM. See it for what it is. It’s not because you LOVE him. You love an idea you created in your mind about him. If you are still convinced that no, it’s because I really LOVE him….then ask yourself why you don’t love yourself enough to choose better. We believe that the people who cause the pain, ought to be the ones responsible for fixing the pain, and therefore, we yearn and obsess for him to make it right, and that’s why no one else will do. But that’s not really ‘love”.

10) Get help. Find support. Get angry. Vent. Write. Blog, twitter, status. Let everyone in your life know what’s going on with you. The more people you tell-like giving up a bad habit or addiction-the harder it will be to let him back in again, or go back to him yourself. The harder it will be to deny it all, and revert back to thinking “it wasn’t so bad, maybe one more round, one more try, one more chance.”

To stay strong, you have to allow yourself to appear weak. Don’t protect HIM. He wasn’t looking out for you. Who cares if he hates you, because that can’t be any worse than how he’s been treating you now, can it? The more that people know, the more apt he is to leave you be. He will not want to do anything that will indicted him or draw attention to his harms. He won’t want to get caught. Tell your story. Find support groups and forums. Even if you go on their anonymously and post the whole thing-getting it out on paper-real or virtual- helps to get it out of your head, makes it more clear. When you make lists for the store, or do a “to do” list, you always feel more organized and less mentally cluttered. Doing this about your relationship will have the same effect. Its also a great reference to reminding you, since traumatized minds often “black out” painful memories….and force yourself to re-read it. If you have to tell him “I’ll call you back” if he calls you, and go read that thing before you do-do it. You may just decide not to.

Educate yourself. Read books, get online and find support forums where people like us are sharing their stories and their experiences. Understand what its truly all about. Something like narcissism….never in my life have I seen so many questions being asked about this type of person. If you go to WikiAnswers about narcissism, it is incredible the effect and destruction these people have on those involved, and how desperate people are to understand them. It seems and is incomprehensible to those of us affected by one that there are actually human beings incapable of feeling for anyone but themselves. That it is all a show, any sense of care or responsibility.

You are not alone in this bewilderment. But no matter how much data gathering you do, your heart will NEVER understand it, so, accept that. As hard and as jeeringly painful as it is. Tell yourself “the hell cares what HIS problems are, or WHY he does what he does, I just want to be free of it and happy, and pay attention to MY OWN PROBLEMS.” Playing Clarice to his Silence of the Lambs bullshit won’t change what’s happened between you. A diagnosis is almost impossible, but what the education will do, is help you to understand ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, it wasn't YOU, and you are NOT alone. That alone, helps you to a)get away from abusive people and b) begin the healing process. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

If you are still in denial, still think there’s a chance it could work if you both got help, if he cleaned up off drugs/alcohol, etc etc….go to the forums anyway. Like an ex smoker who will tell you “Just one cigarette will get you back smoking again, so don’t pick up that first one”, reformed abused people will tell you that if you take him back, or don’t leave, it will never change. But when you, like an addict, get tired of being sick and tired, or when it has truly started to negatively affect your life and health, then and only then will you really entertain quitting him. Don’t wait until it takes a fatal diagnosis and you’ve lost everything to admit defeat. You are not “defeated”. The man is toxic through and through, and you only think you need him, you have fear of letting it all go because its such a waste, all that love and care for nothing, like throwing everything into a black hole. You fear what life without him will be like, only because it’s familiar. You wonder why you even had to experience it at all. You started out just wanting to have love. Perhaps there is an ultimate reason for it. There may be a divine calling for you that only having had this experience can you move on to achieve.

When he "dumps" you.....devalue and discard

The luckiest thing you can have happen to you ironically, is if they dump you. It will happen as quickly as they started the relationship with you-with no warning, no reason, no hint. You will be shocked with it. One minute they will be planning a vacation with you, the next minute they are moving their things out of the house. They will cruelly tell you that they don’t love you, aren’t sure they ever did, you don’t make them happy, and that they are done. Or you will learn that they are with someone else and then when you confront them, they bail. They leave, they change their phone number, they delete their email-they simply disappear.

If you are married, you will be served with divorce papers when just the day before, he gave you a kiss on the cheek and promised a romantic dinner with you over the weekend. You never saw it coming, it was like a tornado hit you, your mind is reeling and spinning from the wind that is blowing, the emotional shrapnel to you. Typically, it comes during a period of “peace.” It is meant to be shocking, to pull the rug from underneath your world, to leave you in a state of suspended animation.

With this, he can maneuver and connive and take things from right under your nose, while you are in the grips of the psychic shock. Bank accounts are cleaned out, wills changed, life insurance policies altered, children taken, names taken off of things, credit cards closed or maxed out-they don’t just leave you, but they leave you with a big FUCK YOU, and you never did anything to deserve it. You desperately try to reason and communicate, to even get a “break up” speech-what did you do, why are they doing this? In which is crazy in and of itself, because you should be well glad to be rid of him, and you yourself contemplated leaving him.

In this manner of leaving you, it is once again a way to doubt yourself, take the blame and fall victim to being the abuser-after all, you must’ve been horrible for him to leave you in this way. When you finally emerge from the shock and awe, your emotional paralysis subsiding, you find yourself in a rage and anger the likes of which you didn’t realize you had in you. Your own anger and rage scares you, and now you are determined with all of your might, to make him pay.