So, what is our problem?

They, being some "experts", will tell you that you have "issues."

They will say that your low self-esteem caused you to be enamormed with this man, and subsequently abused.

They will tell you that if you loved yourself more, then you wouldn't of stayed with him.

They will tell you that you are weak.

They will tell you that your parents are the reason that this man got into your life.

They will say that you are disturbed, perhaps insecure, and that you need psychological counseling indefinitely.

Funny thing is.....we may not have needed it, until we met him.

See, my parents were abusive.
My mother a narcissist and an alcoholic.
My father a physical batterer.

Yet, my first boyfriend, whom I dated a year freshman year of high school-treated me like a princess.

My second boyfriend, whom I date over a year the rest of high school-also treated me like a princess.

My third boyfriend, after high school, whom I dated over a year-also treated me well, and would gush about how much he loved my personality, heart and soul. That was his biggest attraction to me.

My 4th boyfriend was the love of my life. Together for 9 years. We had a daughter together. We had our ups and downs, but he too....treated me like a princess. Then he passed away in a tragic accident.

My husband, was my best friend....we were together 7 years. He treated me like a queen. We had our issues....but there was no abuse. We also have a daughter together. The marriage ended for many reasons, and it wasn't a totally amicable ending-but ten years later, I can say that I still care for him, he's a great dad, and I have no hurt or hatred towards him. He still makes me laugh.

So.........what happened?

Who can I blame this on?

The theory that my abusive parents mustve set the foundation was sorta dispelled by the fact that the majority of the boys/men in my formative romantic years and all the way until I was in my 30's-were wonderful. And wonderful to me.

My first sexual experiences were the way they were supposed to be. Within a commitment, with love and respect, and at MY pace.

My male friends also were wonderful and caring.

What did it?

Was it the death of my life's love, that created guilt, sorrow and did I blame myself somehow?

Did my divorce, which was incredibly painful though my choice, also create guilt, a sense of failure, tremendous pressure, did that lower my self worth?

Or was it the murder of my best girlfriend of 18 years by the hands of her husband, that was the final straw of guilt, grieving and suffering for me, where I subconsciously began to punish myself and thus attract the abusive men to me?

Was it a culmination of all of the above?

Maybe. Then explain how the women who have had NONE of the above-no traumatic childhood, loving parents, "normal" lifestyle, successful, independent, driven and beautiful-have attracted and been affected by a psycho.

Is it truly because we have some damage in our lives, because we "learned" how to receive love?

Because after watching my parents-evidently, I knew how to choose better.

So.....what happened?

What happened is, I met a couple personality disordered men. Maybe I felt guilt in life and so I set out to "save" people.

Maybe I learned from my dad that abuse is "normal."

Maybe I needed to subconsciously experience what my best friend and mother did, so I could understand why THEY stayed.

Or maybe, these men are just motherfuckers who know how to manipulate a woman, take any or all of the above issues that any of us may have, spin it around to press these guilt buttons, play up on our compassion and desire to help and save our loved ones, who actually utilize our grief and sorrow to suit their own twisted agendas? Perhaps because they are able to brainwash? They know the buttons, the Achilles heel of our psyche? We let them in and share these painful incidents and they run with it?

We all have insecurities. We all have bouts of low self esteem. And, with a psycho, who the hell wouldnt? You can only hear so much that you don't do something perfect, his way is better, all the wrong things you do, look like and say, and NOT be affected.

Hey, they are the ones abusing.

I came from abuse. AND I DON'T ABUSE.

Therefore, no matter what OUR issues.........

Him abusing us is NOT OUR PROBLEM.

Until later....

What to expect when reality hits, part one

The best thing to do is to stop giving these attention whores your time. You yearn to be “that girl.” You wonder and question why it is that you just can’t seem to break away and let it go. You are obsessed. You’ve tried-maybe even he’s broken up with you a few times in the past, but this is different.

While you are doing everything you can just to function-he’s out laughing it up and rubbing in your face how he’s moved on and has someone else now. If he’s like my abuser-he will tell you all about how he is madly in love with another woman, he will tell you what song he hears on the radio that reminds him of her-and it’s a love song-and he will be doing this from ANOTHER woman’s house, and she will be laughing in the background. Yeah…that’s how he rolls.

When you realize that its over, you are then torn between a desire to exact a consequence, unable to let it go and know that for all your efforts, your investment, the love you truly did feel, there was no payoff, and now there’s no consequence for what he’s done here. You recognize in horror that you’ve been sitting in some emotional casino, pulling that lever, the coins you’ve dropped in being everything you’ve got, trying harder than you have in your life, and the cherries never hit. You got no return. Eventually, you will realize you win by losing and the return you’ll get, is that you get your freakin’ life back. Your mind, your sanity. Your soul.

But for now, you are left feeling powerless. He has 9/11’d you, and you don’t have the energy to search for his Bin Laden. But you feel justified-and rightfully so-that he had no right, no reason, no cause to vaporize you like that, and that you need to defend yourself back. For some women, they rely on the court system and lawyers in divorce courts to help prove what they know. Yet oftentimes, it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes women take matters into their own hands, and feebly attempt things such as slashing tires, telling his new girlfriends, getting onto internet websites to “report” an abuser-and all she ends up doing is making herself look like the “psycho” he has painted her out to be. Hell hath no fury like a woman scored kind of thing. That you are embittered, don’t take rejection well, unstable, emotionally out of your mind, immature and a hot mess. And you feel every one of those things as you admit defeat.

You go from telling yourself you’d rather be happy than right, let him win and just move on, forgetting you ever knew him and wanting to just forget it ever happened, to crying out for justice and how is it remotely fair that people like this get away with it?? Your friends encourage you to believe in “karma”, with the endless amount of comments such as “What goes around comes around”, “Don’t worry someday he will get his”, “He will have to answer to it all at judgment day” and then you wonder about THAT. You wonder and pity him as you think that he truly may have a psychological disorder and thus “cant’ help it”, and you wouldn’t wish evil and suffering on anyone say, for having a physical disease they can’t control."

You feel evil and guilty all at the same time, evil for thinking horrible thoughts towards another human being, a hypocrite because wasn’t that what he was doing to you? You feel sorry for him that he is so damaged and defective, then go back to feeling that he is very much in control of what he does, he’s calculating and aware, and JUST DOESN’T CARE. How that is even remotely possible is the shock and awe your mind experiences, because you realize that he is a sadist. An emotional Hitler. How anyone can see you writhing in pain, ignore your tears, and stand back and do nothing to try and alleviate it, but instead, selfishly suggest that you are tormenting him-you realize that in his mind, that’s how he sees it. You’ve been the perpetrator to him all along, and it is sheer insanity that has your mind, heart and soul reeling in despair.

You become obsessed where all you can do is re-play things in your mind as if you have a built in Tivo in your brain, trying to piece together all that’s been said, all the contradictions, all the crazy-making that he’s done, scanning the information, pausing at certain points, and incredulously begin to realize that you are not dealing with someone who is sane. Period. Yet you go through a period of doubting yourself more because he has twisted it so much, you truly question your own sanity and whether or not you did this to him.

You think of the times you’ve fought back, the mean things you might’ve said, and while you know that it was self-defense, you know that it was the pressure cooker inside of you begging for normalcy from him, because he is so effective in these subliminal implants of your wrong doing-you actually question it. You actually think it might’ve been YOU all along who is the crazy one. That’s where he wants you. Believing that you deserved all of this. You torment yourself with the confusion that swirls in your mind, a confusion the likes of which you’ve never known. How could you have been so wrong about someone? Is your intuition really that off base? How is it possible that a person cannot feel for anyone, they don’t understand empathy, or wearing someone else’s shoes? How did this radioactive man get in, and why are you suffering from the fallout? Why can’t you accept that some things ARE as they seem on the surface, and you should take him for face value and realize that what you see, is what you get? But we don’t.

We love TV with the narcissistic male characters, whom women woo and try and tame, and we watch when he supposedly has a bit of a heart. We love the stories of the player/jerk who in the end, wises up because he’s going to lose the woman he loves-we want to be that girl, the one who tamed the bad boy, the one that he totally changes for, we live for a glimpse that he‘s human, has remorse, has regret, feels badly, harbors some guilt and wants to make up for the pain. We just want a sincere realization and apology that he has in fact, been playing us.

Ladies if he were capable of that, he never would‘ve done this to us in the first place. We can’t bear the thought that after all the pain he’s put us through-that some unsuspecting female, some female that doesn’t know this side of him exist, doesn’t know what he’s capable of-should then get the good that YOU deserved. You put in all the work and effort, she reaps all the rewards.

If he does do this, go with another woman, and seems to live happily ever after with the next one, after he’s brutally wounded you and sucked you into this vortex of grief and suffering-you then believe that every horrible thing he said and made you feel about yourself must’ve been true. It really wasn’t him-it was you. Yet you realize that this can’t be-because until now, you bent over backwards, jumped through hoops, gave everything you had, your blood, sweat and tears, chewed on glass, tried harder than you ever have with anyone else in your life, gave more good than Mother Teresa and often had the patience of a Saint-you PROVED to him, to yourself and everyone else that YOU are the good person.

You know your heart. You know that you truly did feel love and care, whether you should or shouldn’t of. Where’s your reward?

Then you think that you were BOTH wrong, you reasoning holds, so, let’s just call it even. You weren’t always perfect either. But then every nasty thing done, every inconsideration, every word uttered with the intent to hurt you, and every ounce of affection and care withheld comes flaming back into your mind. You've learned,in your "research", that a psycho can never feel guilt, never feel empathy, and so, why should you show him mercy? People need to be held accountable for their actions. You just can’t go through life being this kind of an asshole to people, and not pay a price. Especially to you. Which then again, has you wondering if YOU are the real narcissist here.