Game 33: Serving up the Word Salad

Let's get back to the games of the Psychos.


What is my definition of “word-salad” game? It’s when the psycho’s use words that they casually toss around, amongst the other abuses and games that they play, creating this salad of bullshit covered with candy-coated dressing.

Some ingredients in the word-salad game will include and sound similar to:

“I hate my father, he was/is an asshole, he made promises he wouldn’t keep.”

“When I was a kid, and my bicycle broke down, and my father said he would fix it, he never did, and that was when I learned that I had to fix things on my own. I don’t need help in the world, I may not fix it right, but I have to go on my own to fix stuff.”

“I am actually really sensitive underneath. My kids make fun of me because I cry at movies/Hallmark commercials/scenes of destruction in 3rd world countries/when the Cubs lose, etc.

“I’m actually really shy.”

“My ego is just smoke and mirrors, created to protect myself after what’s-her-face hurt me.”

“I’m really not as confident as you claim I am acting to be. If you only knew how insecure I really am.”

“My dad cheated on my Mom, and I would never do that!”

“I got beat up when I was little and it had an effect on me.”

“This woman did (fill-in-the-blanks) where you are left feeling like giving him a gianormous hug.

“I’ve been like this all my life, all friends, family, girlfriends, wife-they’ve all said the similar things that you have.”

“I am an asshole and I will always be an asshole, but I wasn’t always like this until (fill in the blanks) happened.

“You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

“You deserve much better than me.”

“Why do you love me?”

“I’ve been told by women in my past that I am ‘too nice.’

“My dad was hyper-critical of me my whole life. Thanks, Dad! Asshole.”

“I used to wish that my Uncle was my real dad, he was more of a dad to me than my real dad was.”

“You are worth so much more than this.”

“I am not used to being loved/cared about/treated well/concerned over.”

“Thanks for showing me concern, I haven’t let too many do that!”

“I don’t let too many people into my heart, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, I know how it feels.”

“I am afraid to hurt and to get hurt, all in have caused nothing but pain!”

And so on. Insert violin-playing, mandolin having, WB drama, heart-wretching emotionally string tugging "intimacies" of your own.

Now, sometimes you will hear a great deal of this in the early stages of your relationship, Either he doesn’t want you to expect too much, it is your warning, but basically it is a heads up of not taking ownership or responsibility for the abuse they know they will inflict. In this way, they’ve told you that they are “damaged” somehow, and true to form, this tugs on your heart strings and voila! He has a built-in defense mechanism because now-he no longer needs to make excuses for his behavior(s), as you are remembering the many “intimate” disclosures such as this, and MAKING THE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

Often, he will remind you of the above after a time of being cold, controlling or abusive, as a “excuse offering”, where you are reminded of his obviously painful upbringing and so, you are more apt to forgive him. AND shower him with MORE love, affection and attention, believing you can help “heal” the previous damage that has allegedly occurred in his life.

He will even say “Not that this excuses anything, BUT…..” or “I know this is no excuse” or “I’m not trying to make excuses, blah blah.” Even HE knows it is, but is totally manipulating his way out of it.

Because an emotionally healthy yet wounded person-should they see that the scars they have are causing them to act out and hurt innocent parties-would then say “And maybe I ought to get some counseling/read a good self-help book/go on a retreat/read the bible/go to a support group because I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

But….they don’t. This is their story and they are sticking to it. Like I said before, if a guy says “I am an asshole”-well, when he ends up being one, he will think “Hey, I warned her. Not my fault if she didn’t believe me” and therefore, not be responsible for hurting you. YOU are now responsible for him hurting you, because you failed to take heed to his weird-ass red flag.

If one minute he is saying he’s not ready for a commitment, the next discussing marriage and he then cheats on you, he will refer back to the former and say “Well I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment!” If you should end up “cheating” on him due to his abuses or because he‘s really NOT showing any form of commitment, he will then cry the latter and say ‘I was gonna marry you, you know, but not now!”

So this is what you get. A potpourri mix, a veritable Chex Mix of good, bad, indifferent, loving, vulnerability in his actions, with a dip of complete bullshit and a side dish of a word-salad. And he will feed you a steady diet of this crap and if it’s good enough-YOU even end up leaving a tip.

Best bet is to just dine and dash with this one.

Emotional Manipulation

I found this post on a website. I want to say it was on Heartless Bitches International. If so, you can go to the site and see if there is an author's name. I didn't write it, and my apologizes for not being able to quote the original source. But when I read it, I simply shook my head and said "YUP" a lot of times. Maybe you will, too.

8 Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator


Emotional manipulators get extra marks for subtlety. A patronizing, mind-fucker can bend and twist and warp but somehow after a period of time they set off the ol’ bullshit meter. An emotional manipulator is smoother. You’ll have to adjust the sensitivity of your bullshit meter to escape unscathed. What is emotional manipulation? Well, emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain ol’ screw you over. If the emotional blackmailer is any good, he’ll have you offering to bend over and be screwed one more time, "anything you want dear.” Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that bullshit meter and safeguard against possible attack.

1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bulls***. If it feels like bulls*** - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.

2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something, they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the -man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3. Crazy making - saying one thing & later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying, and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time, this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!

4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for, and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around, and say, they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.

5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the TV. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their a** looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6. If you have a headache, an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior, they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even though you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and away!

7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry, the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ass TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus. Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous. If you are in it - away and never look back. Make it a rule!