Game 33: Serving up the Word Salad

Let's get back to the games of the Psychos.


What is my definition of “word-salad” game? It’s when the psycho’s use words that they casually toss around, amongst the other abuses and games that they play, creating this salad of bullshit covered with candy-coated dressing.

Some ingredients in the word-salad game will include and sound similar to:

“I hate my father, he was/is an asshole, he made promises he wouldn’t keep.”

“When I was a kid, and my bicycle broke down, and my father said he would fix it, he never did, and that was when I learned that I had to fix things on my own. I don’t need help in the world, I may not fix it right, but I have to go on my own to fix stuff.”

“I am actually really sensitive underneath. My kids make fun of me because I cry at movies/Hallmark commercials/scenes of destruction in 3rd world countries/when the Cubs lose, etc.

“I’m actually really shy.”

“My ego is just smoke and mirrors, created to protect myself after what’s-her-face hurt me.”

“I’m really not as confident as you claim I am acting to be. If you only knew how insecure I really am.”

“My dad cheated on my Mom, and I would never do that!”

“I got beat up when I was little and it had an effect on me.”

“This woman did (fill-in-the-blanks) where you are left feeling like giving him a gianormous hug.

“I’ve been like this all my life, all friends, family, girlfriends, wife-they’ve all said the similar things that you have.”

“I am an asshole and I will always be an asshole, but I wasn’t always like this until (fill in the blanks) happened.

“You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

“You deserve much better than me.”

“Why do you love me?”

“I’ve been told by women in my past that I am ‘too nice.’

“My dad was hyper-critical of me my whole life. Thanks, Dad! Asshole.”

“I used to wish that my Uncle was my real dad, he was more of a dad to me than my real dad was.”

“You are worth so much more than this.”

“I am not used to being loved/cared about/treated well/concerned over.”

“Thanks for showing me concern, I haven’t let too many do that!”

“I don’t let too many people into my heart, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, I know how it feels.”

“I am afraid to hurt and to get hurt, all in have caused nothing but pain!”

And so on. Insert violin-playing, mandolin having, WB drama, heart-wretching emotionally string tugging "intimacies" of your own.

Now, sometimes you will hear a great deal of this in the early stages of your relationship, Either he doesn’t want you to expect too much, it is your warning, but basically it is a heads up of not taking ownership or responsibility for the abuse they know they will inflict. In this way, they’ve told you that they are “damaged” somehow, and true to form, this tugs on your heart strings and voila! He has a built-in defense mechanism because now-he no longer needs to make excuses for his behavior(s), as you are remembering the many “intimate” disclosures such as this, and MAKING THE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

Often, he will remind you of the above after a time of being cold, controlling or abusive, as a “excuse offering”, where you are reminded of his obviously painful upbringing and so, you are more apt to forgive him. AND shower him with MORE love, affection and attention, believing you can help “heal” the previous damage that has allegedly occurred in his life.

He will even say “Not that this excuses anything, BUT…..” or “I know this is no excuse” or “I’m not trying to make excuses, blah blah.” Even HE knows it is, but is totally manipulating his way out of it.

Because an emotionally healthy yet wounded person-should they see that the scars they have are causing them to act out and hurt innocent parties-would then say “And maybe I ought to get some counseling/read a good self-help book/go on a retreat/read the bible/go to a support group because I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

But….they don’t. This is their story and they are sticking to it. Like I said before, if a guy says “I am an asshole”-well, when he ends up being one, he will think “Hey, I warned her. Not my fault if she didn’t believe me” and therefore, not be responsible for hurting you. YOU are now responsible for him hurting you, because you failed to take heed to his weird-ass red flag.

If one minute he is saying he’s not ready for a commitment, the next discussing marriage and he then cheats on you, he will refer back to the former and say “Well I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment!” If you should end up “cheating” on him due to his abuses or because he‘s really NOT showing any form of commitment, he will then cry the latter and say ‘I was gonna marry you, you know, but not now!”

So this is what you get. A potpourri mix, a veritable Chex Mix of good, bad, indifferent, loving, vulnerability in his actions, with a dip of complete bullshit and a side dish of a word-salad. And he will feed you a steady diet of this crap and if it’s good enough-YOU even end up leaving a tip.

Best bet is to just dine and dash with this one.

Game # 22: ContraDICKtions

As if all the crazy making stuff they’ve been doing thus far isn’t enough, along comes “contradiction.” Thus far, we’ve been told we think too much, we analyze too much, we doubt too much. We don’t believe enough in him (thought we’ve forgiven his transgressions many times), we aren’t “letting” him be good to us, we jump to conclusions and we make too many assumptions. We are stupid in relation to other guys, and we are stupid for trying to be smart. I haven’t even gotten into the subtle ways that they try and make us feel insecure about our looks and sexuality and bodies, but that’s coming up.

They’ve infiltrated our minds subtly, planting seeds of doubt about his feelings for us, and about our own reactions to his very odd and now detached behavior. We’ve come accustomed to making sure we are around when he beckons, and to begin to censure ourselves when communicating. When we have stood our ground or have argued, we are then accused of being too hostile, irrational, emotional and taking and perceiving everything wrong. With all this, we simply become so focused on ourselves and what we need to do, not do, change or give more of to make him come back around to that great guy we met, that meanwhile, he’s getting away with whatever it is that is on his agenda for us. They have acted paranoid, entitled, and have very convenient memories, yet accuse us of not listening.

But nothing is more disabling to our hearts and psyches, than the contradictions. This is where you begin to wonder if they have a split personality, and where they give us the “Jekyll/Hyde” treatment.

There’s no better way to describe it than to list some.

After about a month or two of dating my psycho, he informed me that a woman from his past came back into his life. It “distracted” him, and this was one excuse he gave for not having contacted me in over 5 days, not returning my calls.

He ended up telling a mutual friend, that he was into me, but that he wanted to see if there was anything still there with this woman from his past. Crushed, I called him and laid into him as to why he would relay this to my friend to tell me, and not directly to me. He said “You know, I told her about you, and she didn’t react like this, so, bye!”

A few days later it was “I know I’ve given you reason to react, I haven’t always been cool.”

Says “ I have to get my life together before I can think about being in a relationship.”
A few days later, he tells me that he’s going to date her.
A week later, he calls and says he doesn’t want it to be weird, if I run into him and his “girlfriend.” Fastest “getting a life together” ever. He ought to blog.

5 weeks later, he calls to see me. I said “What about your girlfriend?” He says “Oh, she was never my girlfriend. You read into that, just like you did me and you. I just said that to make you go away.”

Calls to tell me that he doesn’t want me to not be a part of his life, he doesn’t want to become a chapter in my book, he wants me there, he doesn’t want me to fade away, he wants us to at least be friends.
A couple weeks later, I call to ask him if he wants to go grab a hotdog or something, as friends would do.

He calls back and says “If you are calling to say Hi fine, if anything more, don’t bother.”

When I asked him to clarify, since I thought he said he wanted to be friends and have me in his life, he states “I just said all those (nice) things, because it’s what you wanted to hear. I didn’t want it to end icky.”

Told me “you are the kind of person I want in my home, in my bed, I’m very intuitive.”
Later tells me “Well maybe I saw things in you that I didn’t like, didn’t want to get to know.”

In relation to this woman, he said “If my life was more together, I wouldn’t even want her.”

A few weeks later when being confronted by me on a totally different thing he fucked me over with, he distracts and railroads by saying “She’s it, she’s the one, and I want to marry her.”

THAT’s when I stopped talking to him.

We make up after almost 2 years no contact. He obviously didn’t marry her. On the contrary, she did to him, what he’s done to me, and allegedly, ended up cheating on him. Karma. You’d think it would be a bitch, but, he learned nothing. Though he told me

“I’ve changed. I’m different now. I’ve been humbled.”

Foolishly, I believed this. Oh it took more than that sentence, but it was all along those lines. He hooverd me, but good.

The contradictions continued.

“I want to treat you like a queen, be that great guy to you.”
Then
“Still feel shitty, need time to figure out what I want.”

“I know we fit.”
“Something’s not there.”

“We need to talk, I want to see you and clear the air!”
“Given this much thought, think its best to give it time, nothing I can say will change anything.”

“Want to give you what you want, want a happy ending.”
“I sometimes doubt my ability to give us a fair shot.”

“If you know nothing else, know that no one turns me on like you do! No one but you can satisfy me!”
“Didn’t want to tell you this, but you are the only one I have this problem with, YOU are the problem” (in relation to his impotency issues)

“I don’t know why I was a jerk to you, you didn’t deserve it then, and especially, not now. The way I was to you before was because of my problems, you did no wrong!”
“Well maybe if you weren’t capable of acting and reacting like you do, I could’ve wanted more.”

And it goes on and on. Oh there are SO many more. I’m sure I’ll repeat some, and I’m sure I will remember more in later postings. But the truly remarkable thing, is that often these contradictions were said within 24 hours of one another. Literally, he’d wake up the next day, and come out with something exactly the opposite of what he said before. This lead me to often wonder if the times he was “nice”, if he wasn’t under the influence of something-or vise versa.

What do you do with this? You try and figure out which statement is true. There’s the stuff we want to believe, then there are the bitter hurtful things they say that cut like a knife and feel like a thousand paper cuts with lemon juice thrown on top for good measure. That’s when we look at their actions, to indicate which statement is fact. So, if they proclaim “care” “love” “insatiable lust”, but then don’t ACT or DO anything to back that up, that’s when we usually approach them and with the “Uh, yeah……what the hell do you really feel for me?? Cuz you are totally confusing me!”

And that’s when we are blasted with all the other games. Or, they are simply “confused” and we need to be patient and tolerant to that. Evidently, their confusion is highly contagious because I don’t think there’s anything more confusing than to have your mind played like an invisible ping-pong table. Black is white, white is black, down is up, up is down. You simply can’t pin them down to not only a straightforward simple answer, but you can’t trust that what they say one day, they will mean tomorrow. This has us dancing on glass, waiting for the Jekyll/Hyde to emerge. We begin, and rightfully so, to doubt their words of love and care, because we’ve been so let down with the emotional smart-bombs they drop on our heads, the exact opposite of anything loving and caring. Then they are mad at us, for doubting them.

And the mental merry-go-round continues to whirl.