How it ended, part one

I didn't want it to end in drama. I knew that the damage had been done. I knew that I could no longer have this man be in any part of my life. He did not know that I felt this way.

He admitted that he was passive-aggressive....well, that the "other guy" in him was. He told me he was sorry that he "let me see the guy he reverts to when he's unhappy."

He also told me that it wasn't us, he wanted to do things right, but that because his grandmother was ill, and a friend of his from high school was ill, that his plate was full and I was in the back of his mind.

I NICELY told him, that I needed closure and to move on.....I needed a Goodbye.

He told me that he would regret "his ways" with me, and that he would send me pics of things via cellphone once in awhile.

That wasn't goodbye. That wasn't closure. As usual, he was leaving it open to come back. I didn't want that.

When I tried to explain that, I got laid into. He didn't have time for this sillyness. That this was "stupid." HE was just DONE. He "I never want to talk to you again!" Had nothing to say, nothing to explain, he's "not on trial."

No talking. No meeting in person. No explanations, no understandings, no "I'm sorry's." Just cut me off. Snap. Like that. 5 years of my life spent helping him, watching him lose everything and end up back living at home in his mom's basement, watching him destroy his health, trying desparately to understand him, help him be there for him-and he could care fucking less about why it was that I was letting go. He would offer no kind word, no "I'm sorry this didn't work out" just the typical "I don't know why I am the way I am to you, and I'm done trying to figure it out."

He then twisted it onto me-HE was angry. HE refused to speak to me. I was 'crazy'. I took him all wrong, I misunderstood, he wasn't like this with anyone else, his marriage had been "great", basically it was all me and all my fault for why he had to be an asshole all these years to me.

So, I decided to find out for myself. I found his ex-wife. I asked her, if her marriage had been "so great". I asked her if he was only "this guy" to me. I told her how he had been treating me all this time. I explained that I'm sure he had pre-empted me and painted me out to be some crazed love-sick clinging vine psycho that wouldn't leave him be, and that he had just been trying to "let me down easy."

She basically said that she wanted nothing to do with him, or his drama, avoided him as much as she could, and encouraged me to cut all ties with him, focus on healing, realize that I deserve better and that if she could do it, so could I.

Then through a series of strange events, I came across the restraining order she had against him. For stalking. For driving past her house non-stop, for telephone harrassment for a month straight, and for intimidating his then 4 year old son to not like, play with or have fun with her new boyfriend.

All of that occurred-AFTER she left him.

The therapy he told me he had? Mandatory counseling.

I didn't even want to know why she had almost labeled him a sex offender for the rest of his life. I found out enough.

It was as if he had re-inacted his divorce via me, turning me into him. All the accusations and jokes about how I could be a "stalker", all the lies about how the marriage was great, all the bullshit about only having been this guy to me-or at least, the worst to me-when all along, he had been a mental/emotional abuser to many.

And the topper-it was ten years ago. NOTHING HAD CHANGED with him-in TEN YEARS.

Ironically-while he would tell me that I shouldn't anaylize him, stop trying to read his mind, stop trying to figure him out-she is the one with an actual psych degree.

Needless to say-the truth was starting to become more and more evident, and the shock of much of this really did make me "crazed." Of course, I tried to confront him on it-and of course, he avoided, evaded, and threated ME that I had better leave him alone because I was "harrassing" him.

Really?

I had no physical marks or scars....but the internal bleeding and bumps and bruises ached, begging for healing.

What to expect when reality hits, part one

The best thing to do is to stop giving these attention whores your time. You yearn to be “that girl.” You wonder and question why it is that you just can’t seem to break away and let it go. You are obsessed. You’ve tried-maybe even he’s broken up with you a few times in the past, but this is different.

While you are doing everything you can just to function-he’s out laughing it up and rubbing in your face how he’s moved on and has someone else now. If he’s like my abuser-he will tell you all about how he is madly in love with another woman, he will tell you what song he hears on the radio that reminds him of her-and it’s a love song-and he will be doing this from ANOTHER woman’s house, and she will be laughing in the background. Yeah…that’s how he rolls.

When you realize that its over, you are then torn between a desire to exact a consequence, unable to let it go and know that for all your efforts, your investment, the love you truly did feel, there was no payoff, and now there’s no consequence for what he’s done here. You recognize in horror that you’ve been sitting in some emotional casino, pulling that lever, the coins you’ve dropped in being everything you’ve got, trying harder than you have in your life, and the cherries never hit. You got no return. Eventually, you will realize you win by losing and the return you’ll get, is that you get your freakin’ life back. Your mind, your sanity. Your soul.

But for now, you are left feeling powerless. He has 9/11’d you, and you don’t have the energy to search for his Bin Laden. But you feel justified-and rightfully so-that he had no right, no reason, no cause to vaporize you like that, and that you need to defend yourself back. For some women, they rely on the court system and lawyers in divorce courts to help prove what they know. Yet oftentimes, it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes women take matters into their own hands, and feebly attempt things such as slashing tires, telling his new girlfriends, getting onto internet websites to “report” an abuser-and all she ends up doing is making herself look like the “psycho” he has painted her out to be. Hell hath no fury like a woman scored kind of thing. That you are embittered, don’t take rejection well, unstable, emotionally out of your mind, immature and a hot mess. And you feel every one of those things as you admit defeat.

You go from telling yourself you’d rather be happy than right, let him win and just move on, forgetting you ever knew him and wanting to just forget it ever happened, to crying out for justice and how is it remotely fair that people like this get away with it?? Your friends encourage you to believe in “karma”, with the endless amount of comments such as “What goes around comes around”, “Don’t worry someday he will get his”, “He will have to answer to it all at judgment day” and then you wonder about THAT. You wonder and pity him as you think that he truly may have a psychological disorder and thus “cant’ help it”, and you wouldn’t wish evil and suffering on anyone say, for having a physical disease they can’t control."

You feel evil and guilty all at the same time, evil for thinking horrible thoughts towards another human being, a hypocrite because wasn’t that what he was doing to you? You feel sorry for him that he is so damaged and defective, then go back to feeling that he is very much in control of what he does, he’s calculating and aware, and JUST DOESN’T CARE. How that is even remotely possible is the shock and awe your mind experiences, because you realize that he is a sadist. An emotional Hitler. How anyone can see you writhing in pain, ignore your tears, and stand back and do nothing to try and alleviate it, but instead, selfishly suggest that you are tormenting him-you realize that in his mind, that’s how he sees it. You’ve been the perpetrator to him all along, and it is sheer insanity that has your mind, heart and soul reeling in despair.

You become obsessed where all you can do is re-play things in your mind as if you have a built in Tivo in your brain, trying to piece together all that’s been said, all the contradictions, all the crazy-making that he’s done, scanning the information, pausing at certain points, and incredulously begin to realize that you are not dealing with someone who is sane. Period. Yet you go through a period of doubting yourself more because he has twisted it so much, you truly question your own sanity and whether or not you did this to him.

You think of the times you’ve fought back, the mean things you might’ve said, and while you know that it was self-defense, you know that it was the pressure cooker inside of you begging for normalcy from him, because he is so effective in these subliminal implants of your wrong doing-you actually question it. You actually think it might’ve been YOU all along who is the crazy one. That’s where he wants you. Believing that you deserved all of this. You torment yourself with the confusion that swirls in your mind, a confusion the likes of which you’ve never known. How could you have been so wrong about someone? Is your intuition really that off base? How is it possible that a person cannot feel for anyone, they don’t understand empathy, or wearing someone else’s shoes? How did this radioactive man get in, and why are you suffering from the fallout? Why can’t you accept that some things ARE as they seem on the surface, and you should take him for face value and realize that what you see, is what you get? But we don’t.

We love TV with the narcissistic male characters, whom women woo and try and tame, and we watch when he supposedly has a bit of a heart. We love the stories of the player/jerk who in the end, wises up because he’s going to lose the woman he loves-we want to be that girl, the one who tamed the bad boy, the one that he totally changes for, we live for a glimpse that he‘s human, has remorse, has regret, feels badly, harbors some guilt and wants to make up for the pain. We just want a sincere realization and apology that he has in fact, been playing us.

Ladies if he were capable of that, he never would‘ve done this to us in the first place. We can’t bear the thought that after all the pain he’s put us through-that some unsuspecting female, some female that doesn’t know this side of him exist, doesn’t know what he’s capable of-should then get the good that YOU deserved. You put in all the work and effort, she reaps all the rewards.

If he does do this, go with another woman, and seems to live happily ever after with the next one, after he’s brutally wounded you and sucked you into this vortex of grief and suffering-you then believe that every horrible thing he said and made you feel about yourself must’ve been true. It really wasn’t him-it was you. Yet you realize that this can’t be-because until now, you bent over backwards, jumped through hoops, gave everything you had, your blood, sweat and tears, chewed on glass, tried harder than you ever have with anyone else in your life, gave more good than Mother Teresa and often had the patience of a Saint-you PROVED to him, to yourself and everyone else that YOU are the good person.

You know your heart. You know that you truly did feel love and care, whether you should or shouldn’t of. Where’s your reward?

Then you think that you were BOTH wrong, you reasoning holds, so, let’s just call it even. You weren’t always perfect either. But then every nasty thing done, every inconsideration, every word uttered with the intent to hurt you, and every ounce of affection and care withheld comes flaming back into your mind. You've learned,in your "research", that a psycho can never feel guilt, never feel empathy, and so, why should you show him mercy? People need to be held accountable for their actions. You just can’t go through life being this kind of an asshole to people, and not pay a price. Especially to you. Which then again, has you wondering if YOU are the real narcissist here.

Moving on from the damage, pt 2

My apologies, I have a family member in the hospital and my signal was not so great at my new place. But, my relative is doing much better, being released and internet problems fixed, so now I hope to get back to blogging consistently. Thanks to those who wrote with encouraging words.

So now you’ve decided to leave him. The truth is, sometimes they hope you will end it, so then he’d have more reason to feel sorry for himself, more self pity so then the next woman that came along could hear his sad story about YOU. And to throw it back in your face-because if you are the one who ended it, what are you so upset about? Why are you coming back around with unsolved questions? You dumped him, remember? You just hurt HIM. You didn’t want him, you rejected him, you weren’t patient enough, understanding enough, and you left him, and gave up on him. But understand something: He won’t let you be the one to end it.

Some will do whatever he can to have you take him back- the "hoovering" and then he will cruelly and viciously dump you. If he is unable to get that chance, then no matter the truth-the next woman to come along will be told that “I ended it with her", about you. If you truly end it, trust me, he will vacillate back and forth between the “You dumped and hurt me!” to twisting it around again, blaming his abuse to you to be that he just didn’t want you, something wasn’t there, he tried, he rejected YOU but because he was “afraid” to hurt you, he didn’t know how to come right out, sit you down and be honest with you, because he was afraid of what you would do if he truly hurt you and let you down like that. Yes, he’s THAT good at psychological warfare, that by the time you’re done, even when YOU are ending it, he makes you feel that HE was the one who really wanted out.

And he will convince everyone outside of the two of you of this as well. The whole “She didn’t fire me, I quit!’ mentality, stripping you of your dignity and your right to stand up for yourself, to feel proud of yourself that you were strong enough to throw him away and get better. No one leaves him-he decides when you can go.

You know-he’s the DECIDER. You will pay for ending with him in some way, some form. But if you have been successful in your attempts to expose him, have anything “on him”, and he truly realizes you are not the women to “fuck with” anymore, will he leave you be, and leave you. As hard as it is, you also have to do the same. Not because he deserves it-he deserves all your wrath and then some, and you feel like you could tell him off for the next 20 years and never take a break-you have to stop. For no other reason than HE DOESN'T CARE.

He’s not listening. If you are reduced to writing him, he’s not reading your words. He reads them but doesn’t GET IT. He will then frustrate you further, as he denies not receiving your texts, claims to be deleting them before reading them, and the same with email. Don’t believe this. After many times of denying, I finally utilized “read receipt” on texts and email notifications-when they were opened and how long they were opened for without his knowledge, just to prove to myself that I’m not crazy. Considering that I’ve been with 3 men like this who all say and do the same things-trust me, they are paying attention. Their paranoia alone has them curious and wondering where they stand with you and what you may be “scheming” up.