Name this Game

Here’s a little story chock filled with some of the games discussed already. See if you can find and name them.

So, I am ‘reconciled’ with my psycho after a long hiatus. He claims he had changed, he is humble now, and dreadfully sorry for all the pain he caused and of course, wants to make it up to me.

The first week or so, he appeared “changed.” Now, he was living back at home with Mom, and I had just moved back to my home state from another, so I had 3 roommates while looking for my own place. Given that we would have no privacy at either place, my psycho tells me that a friend of his is going out of town for the weekend, and he will be house sitting, and wants me there with him.

So all week long, he texted me back and forth, about how he can’t wait to be with me, spend time with me, the things he will do to me, and with me, and that he’s got me for the whole weekend, so pack my bag and make no other plans. He worked me up, I anticipated it greatly and was very excited for a “romantic” weekend. His friend would be gone by 7pm Fri, and he wanted me there at 7:01.

That Thursday, I texted him to say “I can’t wait until tomorrow!” He telephoned me about ten minutes later. Said, “I know you are not going to believe this, but Bill just called me 20 minutes ago, and he’s not going out of town now. I’m at work, I gotta run, call you later BYE.” And hung up. Just like that. Gave me NO chance to respond at all.

But, respond I did….I texted him “Don’t ever call or text me again, I don’t ever want to talk to you.” I was FUMING. Only because…..I had no reason to believe it. He was right….I didn’t. Because this was reminiscent of all the times in the past. So much for “making it up to me.”

He calls back, defensively saying “What, like its my fault that Bill changed his plans? What am I supposed to do about that? I have no control over that. I can’t believe you are reacting like this, you know I was going to even ask my sister about getting us a hotel room (shes a travel agent) but now if you are going to be like this, forget it.”

Breaking this down:

1) The tease. The lead-on. The build up of anticipation.
2) The let down-but it’s not his fault. And of course, I don’t know his friend, so I can’t verify any of this.
3) I’m “reacting” and not giving him a chance, and immediately “assuming” that he’s up to no good
4) therefore, I don’t “deserve” for him to find an alternative idea
5) I should feel guilty because he thought of an “alternative idea”, but because of my reaction, I now “ruined” it for him.

So, I am the one that is unreasonable, accusing him of lying, accusing him of being full of shit with no proof or evidence, I am expecting him to control the uncontrollable, and because I felt the way I do and I reacted the way I did, I am “denied” now the chance to see him, and I “ruined” it and the whole tone. So now I’m being “punished.”

The weekend never happened, btw.

A normal, non-psycho would’ve called, should this had been true about his friend, and waited until he wasn’t at work to really be able to explain. He would’ve apologized and said something like “I know this sucks, I really want to see you, so why don’t we just get a room, I can talk to my sister about it.”

And I would’ve had NO reason to react then, and we would’ve seen each other.

So, this is how manipulation works. When they want to get out of something, they will subtly do so in a way that makes them blameless, and when they disappoint, they won’t apologize, they will find a way to make it YOUR problem and then they are free to not follow through, because they are now mad at you.

Also notice the absence of patience and understanding that I would react like that, given his history. That it would be reasonable for me to have trust issues with him, and notice that he has no tolerance or awareness or compassion for that.

Very effective, if you are not onto the games. Works like a charm. Did on me. I felt guilty. I felt that I had ‘over-reacted.” He was right….he can’t help what his friend does. He was busy at work, so I didn’t give him a chance to call me later and suggest the hotel before I “reacted.’ And because of that, he’s right, I “over-reacted’ and now I don’t blame him for it being spoiled for him.

And I ended up apologizing to HIM.

Yep, they are THAT good. But now…..we are BETTER. Cuz we figured it out.

Happy Hellidays

Like the story of Christmas, your baby Psycho was visited by three Not-So-Wise men at their birth. The 3 Not-So-Wise men were named User, Loser and Abuser. The gifts they gave to the baby psycho gave the psycho a Messiah Complex. And you dear woman-will be socially crucified in the end by him.

The holidays often bring up a difficult time in retrospect, if the psycho is gone from your life, or great disappointment if you are with one. A friend of mine has been involved with one of these soft predators. He asked her if she had received “a little blue box”, because according to the website, the package he sent to her had been delivered to her house. Now mind you-she works with this guy. He manages to find the time to come over for a few hours a couple times a week, for “pleasure.” Yet he is sending her a gift. And of course, any woman knows what a “little blue box” implies-a gift from Tiffany’s.

When she replied that she hadn’t received it, he told her “Well ask your neighbors, see if anyone else got it”-and she did. No one in her building had. He said “oh.” And that was THE LAST HE EVER MENTIONED IT. Not only did he not seem overly concerned that a package-from Tiffany’s on top of it-may be missing in action- HE NEVER PRODUCED IT. My friend never got her Christmas present. And neither one of them brought it up again.

Of course as an outsider to that, I was outraged for her. But I couldn’t really talk. I had just sent my abuser a Christmas card-with 25.00 in it. Not a lot of money-but I told him to take his kids to get this wickedly great hot chocolate that Starbucks had been promoting last year, the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate. Guess what? Not only did he not acknowledge nor thank me for it-he never even mentioned receiving it. That is-not until 2 weeks later when all I got was “Thanks for the card.” What did he do for me? He texted me on Christmas Eve “Merry Christmas we need to talk soon.”

3 days after New Years, he shows up at my door, because “I know I’m on thin ice with you”, with MORE excuses for his shitty behavior. “I don’t feel attractive, I have nothing to offer, I’m waiting til I get my shit together”, etc.

Often times, especially the Holidays-we go out of our way for the psycho. We get the perfect gift, we get him something we think he will truly cherish-and from him, if we get anything at all-we get something generic and without much thought, and certainly not with the love and care we’ve put behind our gift.

You could argue that the holidays are not about gifts, or how much money you spend on another. And this is VERY true. It really is the thought that counts. Trouble is with a psycho-they don’t put much thought if any, and in the case of my friend-they lie, manipulate and “tease” with dangling a “thought”. Its also a time that if you are not married to him, you may find that he won’t spend these important days with you at all. Years after you’ve been involved with him.

The best present you can give yourself is to kick a psycho to the curb. You won’t be sorry in the long run. Let them be bah-humbug somewhere else, and go chase some ho ho ho’s. You won’t get Scrooged anymore. Give him a lump of coal, and be on your merry way.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all!!