A brief interlude, because I need to say this

The men in our lives, are not Matt Mcanaughy from "Ghost of Girlfriends Past." In other words, there is no magical epiphany that he will have, he isn't just a player who is scared of being hurt again, scarred by the loss of his parents.

Though we want to think he is.

He's not the guys in "He's just not that into you." Speak of-the author of that book and movie, Greg Behrendt, also wrote a best-seller called "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken." Both are fantastic books/guides to navigating an unrequited relationship. However-neither will work on dealing with a personality disordered person, a drug addicted or alcoholic person, or the toxic types of relationships that got you here.

Christian Carter's tricks to how to win the love of any man, Mimi Tanner's guide to the same-and any other internet authors who offer you sage wisdom and advice as to how to get your ex back, how to make him fall in love with you and how to be irresitable to men-how to be "the cool girl"-won't work, either.

Unfortunatly, all the "games" of love -including "The Rules" and even Dr. Phil-are geared and aimed towards the average man and woman. Sure, we all have "issues." Men are renowned for commitment issues, detaching sexually and often times, being "jerks." So, much of this advice is not only directed towards those types of "jerks", but also younger people who are trying to navigate the dating scene.

Even the course of how to re-ignite your marriage, tips on being that woman every man desires and wants and every woman wants to be-won't work.

In fact, I would like to think that the authors of all the above-if they truly knew the man and the relationship you've been involved with, would not only refund your money, but tell you do not pass go, do not collect 200.00-but get straight directly out of the game, period. LOSE HIM.

There is no "game" you can play, stragedies you can take, psycology you can use, to get your man to straight up, fly right, turn around and become the man of your dreams. There is nothing you can do to enchant him, captivate him and make him fall head over heels madly in love with you. Unless of course, abusing HIM is your thing. Then he may give you a shot.

All told-the things that are designed to help people figure out these things called relationships, get inside the minds of men and women-are designed to do that with the non-disordered folks, that yes, really do exsist. So, don't waste your time with this stuff, or your money.

The biggest thing they will tell you is that you need to play hard to get.

If you think these tips will work for you-go ahead and try it. Then see what happens-and it won't be what they tell you will happen.

So pass on that stuff-and stick to sources that can help you to identify and deal with the disordered people.

Just some friendly advice from someone who's been there, too.

Name this Game

Here’s a little story chock filled with some of the games discussed already. See if you can find and name them.

So, I am ‘reconciled’ with my psycho after a long hiatus. He claims he had changed, he is humble now, and dreadfully sorry for all the pain he caused and of course, wants to make it up to me.

The first week or so, he appeared “changed.” Now, he was living back at home with Mom, and I had just moved back to my home state from another, so I had 3 roommates while looking for my own place. Given that we would have no privacy at either place, my psycho tells me that a friend of his is going out of town for the weekend, and he will be house sitting, and wants me there with him.

So all week long, he texted me back and forth, about how he can’t wait to be with me, spend time with me, the things he will do to me, and with me, and that he’s got me for the whole weekend, so pack my bag and make no other plans. He worked me up, I anticipated it greatly and was very excited for a “romantic” weekend. His friend would be gone by 7pm Fri, and he wanted me there at 7:01.

That Thursday, I texted him to say “I can’t wait until tomorrow!” He telephoned me about ten minutes later. Said, “I know you are not going to believe this, but Bill just called me 20 minutes ago, and he’s not going out of town now. I’m at work, I gotta run, call you later BYE.” And hung up. Just like that. Gave me NO chance to respond at all.

But, respond I did….I texted him “Don’t ever call or text me again, I don’t ever want to talk to you.” I was FUMING. Only because…..I had no reason to believe it. He was right….I didn’t. Because this was reminiscent of all the times in the past. So much for “making it up to me.”

He calls back, defensively saying “What, like its my fault that Bill changed his plans? What am I supposed to do about that? I have no control over that. I can’t believe you are reacting like this, you know I was going to even ask my sister about getting us a hotel room (shes a travel agent) but now if you are going to be like this, forget it.”

Breaking this down:

1) The tease. The lead-on. The build up of anticipation.
2) The let down-but it’s not his fault. And of course, I don’t know his friend, so I can’t verify any of this.
3) I’m “reacting” and not giving him a chance, and immediately “assuming” that he’s up to no good
4) therefore, I don’t “deserve” for him to find an alternative idea
5) I should feel guilty because he thought of an “alternative idea”, but because of my reaction, I now “ruined” it for him.

So, I am the one that is unreasonable, accusing him of lying, accusing him of being full of shit with no proof or evidence, I am expecting him to control the uncontrollable, and because I felt the way I do and I reacted the way I did, I am “denied” now the chance to see him, and I “ruined” it and the whole tone. So now I’m being “punished.”

The weekend never happened, btw.

A normal, non-psycho would’ve called, should this had been true about his friend, and waited until he wasn’t at work to really be able to explain. He would’ve apologized and said something like “I know this sucks, I really want to see you, so why don’t we just get a room, I can talk to my sister about it.”

And I would’ve had NO reason to react then, and we would’ve seen each other.

So, this is how manipulation works. When they want to get out of something, they will subtly do so in a way that makes them blameless, and when they disappoint, they won’t apologize, they will find a way to make it YOUR problem and then they are free to not follow through, because they are now mad at you.

Also notice the absence of patience and understanding that I would react like that, given his history. That it would be reasonable for me to have trust issues with him, and notice that he has no tolerance or awareness or compassion for that.

Very effective, if you are not onto the games. Works like a charm. Did on me. I felt guilty. I felt that I had ‘over-reacted.” He was right….he can’t help what his friend does. He was busy at work, so I didn’t give him a chance to call me later and suggest the hotel before I “reacted.’ And because of that, he’s right, I “over-reacted’ and now I don’t blame him for it being spoiled for him.

And I ended up apologizing to HIM.

Yep, they are THAT good. But now…..we are BETTER. Cuz we figured it out.

Game # 14: Gaslighting

The term "Gaslighting" is derived from the 1944 thriller movie named "Gaslight". The basic plot, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, is that Boyer, playing her husband, is a psycho. He married her for the sole purpose of finding hidden gems that were hidden in the home by Bergman's Aunt. In an effort to find not only the jewels, but also to conceal the fact that he was the one that murdered Bergmans aunt-he begins to psychologically abuse his wife in an attempt to make her think she was going crazy. It began to work. She suffered a nervous breakdown, memory loss and her health deteriorated. Without adding to the spoiler alert here-she was lucky that an astute person seemed to figure her husband out.

How would your psycho, who may not have done anything as heinous as murder, and may not be out to blatantly steal from you, "gaslight", and why? Well the why is easy. To throw you off, when you begin to suspect his real motives. If he is using you, he certainly doesn't want you to catch on. If he wants something from you, he won't want you to leave him. Of course, if he ends up controlling you through physical violence, its much easier to do so to a woman who's already psychologically damaged. No one punches a person in the face on a first date and generally gets a second one. So here are some "gaslighting" tactics used by psychos:
While the movie is an extreme example, gas lighting simply occurs to make you go nuts. It looks often like this:
I didn’t say that.

I didn’t do that.

That didn’t happen.

You misunderstood.

You took my words out of context.

You twisted my words, that’s not what I meant.

That’s not true.

You’re lying.

You’re making that up.

That’s just a fictionalized accounting from your own imagination.

"Remember when?".......and whatever it is they are recalling you did together-you didn't.

They will call you and tell you that they want to see you and talk the next day. The next day rolls around, and you hear nothing, time has passed since they said they'd show up. You call them, and they say something like "Oh, that's right....I forgot you told me to call you."

They will implant "false memories" in your head, conversations or events, and this has you thinking they may be confusing you with someone else.

Let's say they make a commitment to do something on a Thursday. At the time, you were both very clear that it was in a couple of days Thursday. When Thursday rolls around and they are a no-show, they might call you the following Thursday, all pissed off at YOU, vehemently blaming YOU for not remembering correctly.

Basically, just a flat out denial of what you know-er, thought to be true. Because by the time that they are done, they actually having you believing that black is white, the sun sets in the north, the world is flat, and the moon is made of green cheese. When you start feeling like you need a tape recorder around them, you are probably being gaslighted. It's called "crazymaking". This, on top of their denials and memory issues (more on that in a future posting)-you will question yourself, doubt yourself and this gives them a great deal more power over you.

Game # 1: The bait and hook

These types waste no time in securing your attention. They talk-and they talk ALOT. At first, they may seem incredibly interested in knowing some facet of you-but it's not where you work, what your interest are, what your hobbies are. They go straight for the kill to inquire about the state of your soul-past relationships, what you are "about." They will do something called "mirroring" where they seek to identify with whatever you tell them. After doing this, you feel a "kinship" and that you both have a great deal in common-childhood, background, "hurts."

Then they talk about their past with other women. These men toss out a resume, and give you a run-down dossier of ALL the women they have bedded down, been with, or who wanted to be with them. A “classic” abuser will tell you that ALL the women in his past were no good and “psycho” and that he was used, abused and left for emotional dead by them all. He paints all women out to be black widows and pariahs, which of course, if you’re still interested, propels you to want to show him different. You’re not that girl.

But with the mind invaders, the psycological abusers- it’s much more insidious. They will often speak highly of some of the women in their past, as well as refer to some as “psycho” and “crazy”. Often they will do this about the same woman. They say things that are at times, misogynistic, chauvinistic and crass. But you notice the game-in hindsight, and it’s pretty remarkable. The women they speak “highly” of-are the same women who “broke them”, “left them”, “cheated on them” or rejected them. The women who wanted to be with him, chased him, showed him love and attention, emotionally open and available to him-THOSE were the psychos and the crazy’s and the women he got rid of. Here's an example:

Does he want you to feel bad for him, and prove that you are not this “type” of woman that hurt him, or does he want you to feel insecure and that you have to measure up to a woman in his past? I recall being told by one “ab-loser” is the thing that hurt the most about ending his relationship with a woman that “played him”, “kept him” and “cheated on him” was that she also “was it, she was everything, I was going to marry her, it was just her issues of infidelity that were the problem, she has A.D.D. and that makes her unable to be faithful, even cheated on her son‘s father” and that she also “Knew me better than anyone else. I met her shortly after my divorce when she knew my heart was fragile. She was patient with me.” This is the start of crazy making-contradictions meant to confuse you.

He’s got her on a pedestal and yet has knocked her down as well-and so the game here when you break it down is this: He’s told you how much he adored some other woman, how much she had him. She had his heart. She was patient with him and “won” him-so if you want to “win” him, he is indirectly telling you that you need to be “patient” with him, because now he is vulnerable again.

Yet at the same time-he’s also telling you that what she did to him was very bad indeed-cheating-and of course, he left her. HE ended it. So, there you go. Be patient if you want to know him better than anyone, and whatever you do, don’t cheat on him. He’s told you this essentially as you’ve just met-so, he’s just setting you up. If it wasn’t cheating, it could be something else, and typically, it has to do with his money. Either way, she “wronged” him. Hence, one excuse not to get “closer” to you. He has “trust issues” now. You are being set up. He has planted in your mind that you need to show him you are different. You don’t know it yet….but when he starts letting you down and disappointing you-remember, THAT girl was patient. She got him-and SHE screwed it up.

However they describe other women, is how they will end up seeing you. They are essentially giving you instructions on what to do and not to do, to keep them around. Modeled after some woman who’s integrity is in question. Don’t fall for it. The only falling you will be doing is from the pedestal he initially erected you on-and that’s because he ends up pushing you off.

You now have a mental checkless in your head of his likes and dislikes. What he doesn't like, is questioning him. Distrusting him. Cheating on him. Don't drive past his house, don't show curiosity, don't have too many male friends, don't call too much or too little, but, if you high-five him when he's out fucking other people, you're cool. You don't know it yet, but subconsciously your mind is in overdrive, the foundation already laid as to how you are expected to act and who you should feel insecure against.

I remember telling myself "Well, I wonder what shallow, superficial thing about me he will find and reject me for" and that is EXACTLY what they want you to feel. They infiltrate with this subtle pro and con's list of their love life, unknowingly to you at the time, that it is designed to start controlling you. So to break it down:


The fact that he won't shut the fuck up falls under the heading of “TMI”-Too Much Information- and it’s really not appropriate, yet at the same time you tell yourself that he is being extremely open and honest, candid and “putting it out there”. Now you know what he’s been through. But to him-he’s emotionally hooking you. All the things you are now telling yourself-that he’s open and honest, etc-he’s hoping you feel. He will even espouse bullshit like "I can't believe I'm telling you all this" "I can't believe I feel so comfortable with you so soon" "I can't believe I"m saying this, I haven't told this to anyone." He has related to some hurt or yours, or has feigned a great deal of emphaty for you. He compliments you profusely.

All of this has made you feel special. Different. Unique to him. That maybe, he really “connected” with you, and after a night of “bonding” as if he’s a girlfriend-you do feel connected to him. Lesson here: It is abnormal and inappropriate to open up to deeply personal issues and delve into past relationships in the first days with him, and/or how many women a man has dated/slept with the first or second time you’ve spent time with him, if at all. Be very leery of this.