You're not really him, last part

You are reduced to this sort of passive-aggressive behavior he often exhibits himself, in order to keep some sort of grip on sanity and to confirm your suspicions about him.

One friend of mine broke into her man’s email account, and it was there that she did indeed discover an affair. Because they were utilizing an email service that allowed you to “mark as unread”, he was none the wiser that she had read his email. Naturally-she couldn’t confront him because he would then turn on her and suggest that she violated his privacy, that she had the trust issues. Never mind the fact that he’s caught-you won’t win because he will then say this is why he’s the way he is, he can’t be with any woman who would stoop to this level, be capable of doing such a thing, even THINK to do such a thing. Turning things around like you are in a revolving door is this man's speciality, as is railroading the issue back onto something YOU are doing wrong.

I’ve seen women go thru messages on cell phones while a man is sleeping, use “spoof” cards on the phone and call phone numbers she doesn’t recognize waiting for women to answer-women are reduced to becoming their own private detectives in the hopes to be able to find something-anything-to prove to herself that she is truly dealing with a con artist. Even in the face of proof however, we can still turn red flags into red roses.

If you were to directly confront him on anything, and he's not right in front of you, he will claim he didn't even listen to your voicemails. He deleted your text. He accidentally deleted, or never received your email. So this is where women may go and start utilizing email read receipts (that he is not wise to), or some other "spy" mechanisms. You then feel guilty, paranoid, and that you might just be that bad person he suggests you are, or that you are "crazy." But you just have to know. And you know he ain't gonna tell you. You know that you have a right to know the truth; about him, what he's doing with you (and to you) yet you still feel horrible because you DONT trust him. He's planted this idea. This is part of the brainwashing. In so many subtle ways, you questioning him, doubting him and "checking up" on him, is proof positive that YOU are troubled...yet you know by his behaviors, the inconsistencies, the contradictions, the ways you catch him lying but can't prove it....that you aren't. And it drives you crazy.

He may even tell you things in the beginning of your relationship such as “I’ve had other women call me and ‘bitch’ and I don’t even listen. But you, I listen to. I care about what you think of me”. In this sense, it’s almost as if he is baiting you to attempt to communicate, to chase him down-and then he denies that he’s receiving or listening to you. He does. He’s looking for things to use to throw back at you or to manipulate you with.

Part of the reasons he can never answer a question right away, is because he has to go off and plot his strategy on how best to manipulate you, as mentioned once before. So one of the first things to realize, is that you can’t ask a psychopath why they are a psychopath, because its like asking a one year old to tell you why they can’t talk yet.

He is NOT going to give you what you are looking for. He knows what it is you want to hear. He is also out to make you look like the stalker/psycho chick he’s been afraid “you could be”-don’t give him that satisfaction. To him, you could call him once a week and if he doesn’t want to talk to you, you are stalking him. If you manage to leave him alone for a long period of time and you don’t hear from him, take it as a compliment, because it means YOU won in the end, and that you’ve begun to heal. But if he's not done with you....don't count on being left alone. More on that.

Name this Game

Here’s a little story chock filled with some of the games discussed already. See if you can find and name them.

So, I am ‘reconciled’ with my psycho after a long hiatus. He claims he had changed, he is humble now, and dreadfully sorry for all the pain he caused and of course, wants to make it up to me.

The first week or so, he appeared “changed.” Now, he was living back at home with Mom, and I had just moved back to my home state from another, so I had 3 roommates while looking for my own place. Given that we would have no privacy at either place, my psycho tells me that a friend of his is going out of town for the weekend, and he will be house sitting, and wants me there with him.

So all week long, he texted me back and forth, about how he can’t wait to be with me, spend time with me, the things he will do to me, and with me, and that he’s got me for the whole weekend, so pack my bag and make no other plans. He worked me up, I anticipated it greatly and was very excited for a “romantic” weekend. His friend would be gone by 7pm Fri, and he wanted me there at 7:01.

That Thursday, I texted him to say “I can’t wait until tomorrow!” He telephoned me about ten minutes later. Said, “I know you are not going to believe this, but Bill just called me 20 minutes ago, and he’s not going out of town now. I’m at work, I gotta run, call you later BYE.” And hung up. Just like that. Gave me NO chance to respond at all.

But, respond I did….I texted him “Don’t ever call or text me again, I don’t ever want to talk to you.” I was FUMING. Only because…..I had no reason to believe it. He was right….I didn’t. Because this was reminiscent of all the times in the past. So much for “making it up to me.”

He calls back, defensively saying “What, like its my fault that Bill changed his plans? What am I supposed to do about that? I have no control over that. I can’t believe you are reacting like this, you know I was going to even ask my sister about getting us a hotel room (shes a travel agent) but now if you are going to be like this, forget it.”

Breaking this down:

1) The tease. The lead-on. The build up of anticipation.
2) The let down-but it’s not his fault. And of course, I don’t know his friend, so I can’t verify any of this.
3) I’m “reacting” and not giving him a chance, and immediately “assuming” that he’s up to no good
4) therefore, I don’t “deserve” for him to find an alternative idea
5) I should feel guilty because he thought of an “alternative idea”, but because of my reaction, I now “ruined” it for him.

So, I am the one that is unreasonable, accusing him of lying, accusing him of being full of shit with no proof or evidence, I am expecting him to control the uncontrollable, and because I felt the way I do and I reacted the way I did, I am “denied” now the chance to see him, and I “ruined” it and the whole tone. So now I’m being “punished.”

The weekend never happened, btw.

A normal, non-psycho would’ve called, should this had been true about his friend, and waited until he wasn’t at work to really be able to explain. He would’ve apologized and said something like “I know this sucks, I really want to see you, so why don’t we just get a room, I can talk to my sister about it.”

And I would’ve had NO reason to react then, and we would’ve seen each other.

So, this is how manipulation works. When they want to get out of something, they will subtly do so in a way that makes them blameless, and when they disappoint, they won’t apologize, they will find a way to make it YOUR problem and then they are free to not follow through, because they are now mad at you.

Also notice the absence of patience and understanding that I would react like that, given his history. That it would be reasonable for me to have trust issues with him, and notice that he has no tolerance or awareness or compassion for that.

Very effective, if you are not onto the games. Works like a charm. Did on me. I felt guilty. I felt that I had ‘over-reacted.” He was right….he can’t help what his friend does. He was busy at work, so I didn’t give him a chance to call me later and suggest the hotel before I “reacted.’ And because of that, he’s right, I “over-reacted’ and now I don’t blame him for it being spoiled for him.

And I ended up apologizing to HIM.

Yep, they are THAT good. But now…..we are BETTER. Cuz we figured it out.

Game #21: A Letting Bee

One of the stranger games of psychos is their weird use of language. Their syntax and basic Tower of Babble bullshit. They are often able to say a whole lot-of nothing. Ambiguity is their best friend. They can talk circles around you, you can have a ten minute long conversation with them, and get NO sense of their feelings, thoughts or any affirmative answer on much of anything.

One way they do this is to distract you by throwing in ideas and thoughts that take you totally off your own points. They railroad conversations. One of the ways they may accomplish this, is with the “let” game.

The let game is real simple when you break it down: You aren’t letting them do something, or you ARE letting them do something.

For people so hell bent on power and control, it’s pretty astonishing the amount they “let” you think they have relinquished to you.

For example: When my psycho and I were back in touch after a long hiatus and a horrible ending, he went on to gush “I will be nothing but honest and open with you. Let me this time!”

Now, this threw me completely off guard. What did he just imply here? That somehow, I did something in the past, that made him incapable of being open and honest with me. That it was my fault, that he wasn’t honest and open with me. I wasn’t “letting him” be. Of course, this lead me to wrack my brain, to wonder just what the hell he was talking about. How was I not “letting” him be an open, honest person? What did I do to make him feel that I wasn’t “letting” or if you will, “allowing” that?

He also said at a later time, “You let me be a jerk to you, and I didn’t like that.” I cringed at this. Essentially, in these two simple sentences, he just implied that the entire time that he was abusive and shitty to me was evidently, my fault, since I wasn’t letting him be open and honest, and I then was letting him be a jerk.

Crazymaking, no? So, the “game” here is pretty simple: He seems to have no control over his own behavior, choices, actions, and treatment of you, because it is all directly correlated to what YOU are letting or not "letting". See, if you just “let” him do the right things, then he would. If you didn’t “let” him be a jerk, then he wouldn’t of been.

Which begs the question, how does one “let” someone be a jerk? To let or not let them be whatever? Because if I got angry or “fought” back, hence, NOT “letting” him be a jerk, well then it was twisted around yet again to where I was blamed for all the things he was doing that was “jerky.” So even when I attempted to not “let” him be a jerk, he was a jerk.

Most certainly, there was nothing I was doing as I scanned my mind with some mental TiVO like way, rewinding, pausing and re-playing our interaction, that wasn’t “letting” him be open and honest with me. Frankly, he was hardly ever “open and honest” with me, but it wasn’t for a lack of me “letting” him. In fact, I was often “begging” for him to be just those things. Yet, the problem is-since they are so highly contradictory, you end up not knowing what they are saying that is “honest” vs. what is bullshit. You end up not being able to discern fact from fiction-which is why you begin to analyze them.

Point is-they can very effectively stop you in your tracks with just a simple loaded sentence. Something about the whole “letting” me thing is a huge trap-that is easy to fall into. They have put the responsibility of who they are into OUR hands, and again, if only we were different somehow, so would they be.

Funny thing is, they don’t go on to explain how it is, or what it is that you did or didn’t do, that didn’t “let” them do whatever. If you ask “Well how did I LET you?” you get the ambiguity-”I dunno, you just didn’t! You jumped to too many conclusions, you just didn’t let it be." Let it be? Let what be? Jumped to WHAT conclusions? That you're crazy?? Ok, well that one I did. Like I was jumping on a trampoline, jumping to conclusion.

I heard a lot about “letting.” He would say “I’m sorry I didn’t let you in.” I’m sorry I let you see the person I revert to when I’m unhappy.” It was typically me not letting, or sometimes, he’d say that he wasn’t letting himself do something right to me. One thing he was very adept at doing-was ‘letting’ me down.

And there you go. You are now so much inside your own head, trying to dissect and make sense of this twisted logic, that you are effectively distracted from the bigger picture-and they are more or less, off the hook. Off the hook, because they’ve handed YOU all the cards in that their behavior is directly bound with what you are letting happen. Not only does this drive you crazy, but has you damaged as you then feel that the entire relationship going south, and his abusive treatment of you, is in fact, YOUR fault.

Frankly, the only “letting” that should be done here, is letting them the hell GO. Let them be abusive somewhere else. Let them think what they want, because they are ridiculous, and let them be-be somewhere else.

Game #15-"Hoovering"

Hoovering. I first heard this term mentioned on the website Out of the Fog. For more information on it, go to this link http://www.nook2.com/

"Hoovering" come from "Hoover", as in vacuum. As in, how the abuser's "suck you back in." How is it, that they can be SO shitty so often, and yet, we continue to not only forgive and dismiss it, but we also continue to believe that the "good" in them, supersedes the bad?

After a psycho has been abusive-ie, verbally mean, mood swinging, ignoring you, arguing you into circles, made you doubt yourself, blown you off, essentially pushed you to a limit-they actually think "Uh oh, maybe this time, I pushed too far." They see that perhaps you are hovering (that's hover, not hoover) on the edge of recognition that they are being pieces of crap-so while you are hovering, they decide to "hoover", ie, suck you back in.

This is achieved by bombing you with attention. By moments of "clarity", meaning perhaps even an admission of "I know that I haven't been right to you." "I don't know why I am a jerk to you. You didn't deserve it then, and especially, not now!" "There are women that I should've treated this way and didn't, and you aren't one of them". "The way I have been is a result of all my problems, it's not you, you did nothing wrong!" "I am so sorry, I don't understand why I get like this, I have fear of what you do for me, I don't want to hurt or get hurt" "I promise that I will make an effort, I don't want to disappoint you ever again, you won't regret letting me in again!" "I want to be that guy that gives you all, don't you see, I'm afraid of failure! Ok see you got it out of me!" " I just need time, maybe Ive been this way to you because I want to be able to give you all of me and I can't right now", and so on and so on.

Sometimes, it's just simple "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to do this, I love you" and sometimes it goes into elaborate explanations for how they can't believe things have reached this point, they never intended to hurt you, followed by lists and excuses (often sounding plausible and believable) that if you have any heart and conscious at all-you will soften at. Couple all of this with soft and vulnerable sounding tones of voice, perhaps even tears-and you find yourself "sucked back in", forgiving, and willing to continue to give him and your "relationship" a chance.

Until he fucks up again. Then, he blames you. Then he wonders again, if he's pushed you too far, and then he hoovers. Its a game and a "victory" for him, every time he "gets you sucked back in." He can't be that bad then, right?

This can go on and on, this twisted pattern of relating, indefinitely, and especially, because everything he says during a "hoover" is what you want to hear, and what you truly want to believe. Oh.....and he KNOWS that. This of course, is when "Seeing is believing" comes into play. If they hoover, then don't walk it, most people would like to think that at that point, they'd tell the guy to go to hell. But-these guys are masters at hoovering. They especially know what to say that would personally hit your button, as they know and have studied you. And if you aren't buying into the hoover-then they bring out the heavier artillery to argue with you with, and that is even MORE effective to get you to doubt yourself and hence, accept the hoover. That will be in the next post. Just know this: The one thing about them and a Hoover is vacuum that is truly comparable? Is that they both SUCK.

Game # 14: Gaslighting

The term "Gaslighting" is derived from the 1944 thriller movie named "Gaslight". The basic plot, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, is that Boyer, playing her husband, is a psycho. He married her for the sole purpose of finding hidden gems that were hidden in the home by Bergman's Aunt. In an effort to find not only the jewels, but also to conceal the fact that he was the one that murdered Bergmans aunt-he begins to psychologically abuse his wife in an attempt to make her think she was going crazy. It began to work. She suffered a nervous breakdown, memory loss and her health deteriorated. Without adding to the spoiler alert here-she was lucky that an astute person seemed to figure her husband out.

How would your psycho, who may not have done anything as heinous as murder, and may not be out to blatantly steal from you, "gaslight", and why? Well the why is easy. To throw you off, when you begin to suspect his real motives. If he is using you, he certainly doesn't want you to catch on. If he wants something from you, he won't want you to leave him. Of course, if he ends up controlling you through physical violence, its much easier to do so to a woman who's already psychologically damaged. No one punches a person in the face on a first date and generally gets a second one. So here are some "gaslighting" tactics used by psychos:
While the movie is an extreme example, gas lighting simply occurs to make you go nuts. It looks often like this:
I didn’t say that.

I didn’t do that.

That didn’t happen.

You misunderstood.

You took my words out of context.

You twisted my words, that’s not what I meant.

That’s not true.

You’re lying.

You’re making that up.

That’s just a fictionalized accounting from your own imagination.

"Remember when?".......and whatever it is they are recalling you did together-you didn't.

They will call you and tell you that they want to see you and talk the next day. The next day rolls around, and you hear nothing, time has passed since they said they'd show up. You call them, and they say something like "Oh, that's right....I forgot you told me to call you."

They will implant "false memories" in your head, conversations or events, and this has you thinking they may be confusing you with someone else.

Let's say they make a commitment to do something on a Thursday. At the time, you were both very clear that it was in a couple of days Thursday. When Thursday rolls around and they are a no-show, they might call you the following Thursday, all pissed off at YOU, vehemently blaming YOU for not remembering correctly.

Basically, just a flat out denial of what you know-er, thought to be true. Because by the time that they are done, they actually having you believing that black is white, the sun sets in the north, the world is flat, and the moon is made of green cheese. When you start feeling like you need a tape recorder around them, you are probably being gaslighted. It's called "crazymaking". This, on top of their denials and memory issues (more on that in a future posting)-you will question yourself, doubt yourself and this gives them a great deal more power over you.

Game #13: Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES

Passive Aggressive excuses, or, how can I make her be the bad guy for not accepting abuse?

Here’s a list of some of the excuses I’ve heard from my biggest abuser to not have been available, willing to talk, show up, follow through, keep a promise, commit to being in the relationship or not, essentially-why he couldn’t not be abusive. Of course, he didn’t see it as abusive. If you’ll note, every excuse is designed to make ME look like an asshole, should I have protested any of them.

• Forgot my kids had football practice, had to take them
• I am being subpoenaed in an extortion trial against my boss
• My sister’s ex- husband is being a dick and she needs my support and help with the kids.
• My nephew got busted for pot and I had to go bail him out of jail.
• Cell phone went through the wash, didn’t get your messages.
• Your texts didn’t all come through.
• My kids forgot their house keys and my ex is downtown and won’t be home for hours. They are staying with me tonight.
• Got to go see my grandma she is sick with cancer
• Working on my buddies’ snowmobile, said I’d help him
• I lost my phone.
• Have to go help the neighbors mow their lawn
• Helping my ex fix her motorcycle
• Plumbing in my ex’s house exploded, went over to help have to for the kids sake
• Phone went crazy, kept telling me to insert SIM card but it was in there
• Cant call you, my mom is upstairs and don’t want to wake her
• Meds for my blood pressure messing me up, fell asleep on couch
• No signal where I am staying for the weekend on road trip for snowmobiling
• Got called into work
• Mini crisis at work
• Slept all damn day, think I have the flu
• I’m feeling like I am emotionally in a coma right now.
• Didn’t want to respond to you and hurt your feelings, best to say nothing sometimes
• Been testing your patience to make sure that you want more from me than just sex
• Have to go I have an early start for work tomorrow
• I have trust issues with people and my living situation sucks
• A piece of cement fell on my head at work today
• An old girlfriend called me out of the blue and it distracted me
• My ankle is fucked and I can’t drive over
• One of my best friends just diagnosed with cancer that has spread all over

To name a few.

Yet I knew. If you have gotten excuses like this, then you knew as well. You knew he was lying, you knew that he was playing games, deep down, you just know that he is full of it. Some of the excuses- may actually be true. Most of it is crap. Yet-you can’t prove it. There was no way to verify if any of it was true. It was a lies I couldn’t prove, but just intuitively knew was a lie.

However, by the time you are done even hinting that you don’t believe in him, you have been rendered emotionally impotent by the suggestions that you are jumping to conclusions, you don’t trust him, how can you accuse him of things not having evidence, what is wrong with you, and if you didn’t react to him the way that you do, he might actually follow through on one of his many promises to be a part of your life.

Of course I saw it as bullshit. Of course, we fought about it. And yes, I did say goodbye. Many times.

It’s an emotional Chinese water torture with every interaction of this nature, eroding away your self-esteem. In fact, you may get LOTS of this. The excuses you hear for putting you off, blowing you off, letting you down, ignoring you, being unable or unwilling to communicate are meant to make you feel guilty, evil, too angry, uncompassionate, lacking, impatient, and not good enough….so you don’t see all that in him.

Game #12: Parrot Bay-or emotional sudoko

Often times, arguing with them is like driving into an emotional cul-du sac. You think you are making headway, only to end up going around in circles and then head right back to where you started. This is often accomplished by them “parroting” you. For example, if you say “You don’t seem to care about how what you are doing/not doing is making me feel.” They then reply “Well what about how I am feeling, what you are doing to me?” You say, “I am angry” they say, “Well I’m angry too!” You point out something they’ve said or done or didn’t do that they said they would, and you tell them how much this has bothered or hurt you. They then say “Well you are no better with your words, you haven’t always been the nicest person!”

After you have shared a feeling you have, they may tell you “Well aren’t you being hypocritical, in pointing this out and hurting my feelings in return?” Exasperated after many times of this, you may end up telling them that you think they need some sort of counseling, to which they may reply “Well you do too!” They simply can’t stand alone in being wrong, they have to find fault with you or to point a finger back at you as if to say “Yes I was wrong BUT….” and there’s a justifcation. This is to completely frustrate you-which it does-as well as put you on the defense.

Its more ways to divert attention away from their wrong doing, and have you focus on something you are doing to them. Funny thing is, you haven’t heard any complaints from them, until you yourself are upset. In other words, they aren’t calling you distraught and hurt because of your treatment to them. They are not the ones expressing dissatisfaction, unhappiness and discontent in their relationship to you, or how you make them feel. They aren’t the one’s “nagging.” You are. Yet they tend to bring up this list of complaints about you-and the first time you are ever made aware of them is only when you are confronting them on some poor behavior of theirs. You find yourself having to bring them back to the conversation much like you would an adolescent, that is, “This isn’t about me right now, this is about you.” Oddly enough, the only times they don’t seem to enjoy everything being “about them” is when you are all about criticizing, pointing out their flaws or the fact that they are lying, deceiving or hurting you in anyway. So now you attempt to find communication “techniques”-those infamous “I” statements, all of that Dr. Phil-esq sort of advice on how to have a healthy, interdependent conversation where you express your feelings, thoughts, needs and wants without attacking. Once again, you are subtly forced to adjust yourself in order to stand up for what you should rightfully expect in a relationship with someone claiming to “care.”

Game # 9: Getting you to change who YOU are

So next time- you change your approach. Now you’re on eggshells. You are kind, loving, humorous and “light” hearted. You say “Hey sweetie” or whatever pet name you may have for him. “I don’t mean to bother you and I know you have things going on, but I really would like to talk to you about some stuff I’m feeling/thinking, or something I heard from another- saw -with -my- own- two- eyes- today, so I was wondering if you have some time if you’d be willing to listen and to discuss it with me.”

This time, you believe, he certainly can’t say that you are being too angry, too uptight, too wound up, too “crazy”-he can’t accuse you of coming on too strong, being controlling of him, or out of emotional control, or accosting him in anyway. Surely he will now be willing to give you what you need and want-because now YOU’VE changed. You changed the things he complained about, YOU changed the “to do” list that he never really came right out and said that you needed to-it was just implied. Suggested. Hinted at, as a clue for Scooby Doo, that if maybe you DID change, perhaps he would change too. You’re not sure, because he never uses “I feel” statements. He doesn’t even say “You MAKE me like this”-for now, anyway-but the message was loud and clear-there is something deficient and wrong about you, that causes him to act the way he acts. You’ve begun to believe it.

You wonder what happened to all the accolades, the “special-ness” he had you feeling in the beginning that you and he were, the times of telling you that he’s “never felt this way before with anyone”, or that “You are the first women who….(did something great/made him feel great in some way.) You wonder what happened to the safety and security you once had that you mattered to this man, he cared about you and maybe hasn’t cared about anyone in a long time like “this”, and the sweetness and “niceness” that he quickly poured on you when you first met him. Now you feel that you must be perhaps doing something to tarnish his illusion of you, and if you just changed his complaints, he’d go back to how he was-or produce what you just intuitive “know” is there deep down, the “good” guy.

And yet once you’ve “changed”-once you’ve done a complete 180, you are torn. Deep down there is a part of you that is seething on the inside that you must pull teeth, “kiss his ass”, or have to change anything about you when he is doing YOU wrong, in order to know why, or to have your needs met-what you are rightfully entitled to know and have- and he still doesn’t. Change, that is. Give you what you need and want. On the flipside, the other part of you believes that what he is suggesting about you might really be the problem, so you begin to feel bad about yourself. It’s not him. As he is suggesting-it’s you.

Even with you changing your approach however-it will still be you that‘s the issue. You may still get the silent treatment. If he breaks it long enough to respond to you, now he will say you took him wrong, you are too sensitive, he was only joking-again, YOU aren’t getting HIM. If you don’t live with him this is easily accomplished by not returning your calls, answering your texts or emails, and you wonder why he doesn’t seem to care enough to want to address any issues between you at all. Why he doesn’t seem to see it-his role in this- or care about it. What you’d LIKE to do, is blow up his phone with texts, leave voicemails INSISTING that he face you and answer to you, but instead- you wait. That nagging other voice inside you is agreeing with him, that it might just be you.

When he finally does get around to responding to you or willing to communicate and address your grievances-usually days later-you are told “Sorry, I’ve been (fill in the blank.)" And typically, he has been doing something “busy” that would make you look horrible for being upset at his inattention. He’s been doing something for his kids/ex-wife/grandmother/mother/sister/brother/best friend/boss….he’s out running around doing for, giving good and taking care of everyone ELSE in the world BUT you. How could you possibly be angry with him for that? If you even dare to protest, he then makes you feel that there is something wrong with you for not understanding this. “Well you know that my kids/grandmother/mom/family/job etc has to come first. Maybe I am the fool to think you’d understand that.” Fool, indeed.