Sex and the psycho: The Finale (for now)

Two truism about abusive men: They are either highly above-average looking, or-they are very plain. Period. Even the plain ones though, have a charisma that is difficult for all to resist-they have to, to be so manipulative.

Also true, is that your abuser will seem to be a "prude" on the outside. He will say and act as if he hasn't experimented much sexually. He will claim he has moments of opportunity, but for whatever reasons-("shyness" he'll tell you, being the main reason)- he never followed through. He pretends as if he hasn't experienced much in the way of anything 'kinky'-that he's over all, pretty "vanilla" when it comes to sex. Yet at the same time, he's alluded to having MANY lovers: "I've had over 50 one night stands, that's not what I'm about, I want something real"or "You and I have fucked them all, want our lust to show us both that this is something real". Or in the case of one abuser I lived with, you will discover an entire dresser drawer filled with condoms and business cards for strippers.

Its hard to believe that they are so "missionary" in their experiences, especially when they start telling you about their fantasies. And boy, are they kinky. And you dear sister, is the one he wants to realize them all with-no one else will do. Ha.

Because they make it seem that there are actually many things they haven't done sexually that they want to try-you might feel enthusiastic as well to experiment with him, because he tells you he wants you to be his "first." This for the most part is manipulative bullshit. They've had more weird sexual encounters than you, me and Paris Hilton combined, but they still play the "innocent, prude "I've never done that" card when talking about their fantasies. You would be the first. As you have already supposedly been the first to them in some way-my biggest abuser went so far as to suggest that I was really the first women he ever really "sexted" with. He was certainly a natural then, because his writing and "sexting" was fantastic. I will give him that.

Its incredible how retrospect works. The porn he’s into (or not into) what his fantasies are (and when he’s under the influence of something-he’ll tell you) and the fact for as much talk as they have-in bed, they really aren’t that great. We think it’s great, because the “high” we are on, the intensity of him finally showing us a smattering of attention and desire-but really, his needs came first with that, he only went out of his way to please you and make it “about you” when it was the beginning and he was trying to suck you in, or when he feels he may be losing you.

For the most part, these guys are lights out, missionary style where you feel more that they are masturbating with you as a prop, as opposed to being concerned about your pleasure as well. I believe it’s only after he has married a woman, that his perverse side or his “kinky” side may come out full force, unless he feels he can get you to do "stuff" without any commitment. That is a challenge for him that he enjoys.

Most narcissist prefer masturbating anyway according to the experts-but love to use women as a prop. This is why the computer, text messaging, phone sex are all so appealing to this type-he doesn’t want to be bothered with satisfying you. You’d better make it clear to him however, that his sex games are doing just that for you. And for awhile-they probably are.

If you are attracted to him, find him sexy and desirable-this can be great and passionate foreplay for couples. Unfortunately, the real thing barely adds up to the expectations-and that’s if he isn’t just sadistically teasing you and leading you on, just to end up frustrating you and disappointing you in the end. You will also notice that in these virtual encounters, that he is able to manipulate quite a bit from you-pictures, for example-that he in turn, doesn't really provide as much. He holds out a lot longer than you, and he could have pictures of every angle of your body while you may have one or two. If that.

His game is to build up your desire to such a degree that you will put up with quite a bit, just to get even that need satisfied…and should you suggest to him that if he doesn’t, you will find someone who will- expect to be hurt more than you ever imagined possible. From blaming you for any performance problems, to throwing in your face that he’s got other lovers-this is an arena that if you don’t want to know, don’t ask, don’t push, and be prepared for what you get. Is it any wonder we are left to wonder if he truly even enjoys sex with women?

Now this is not because they don’t sexually perform or seem interested in women. On the contrary, most of these men are “players” and are extremely spoiled, because their above average looks gains them a lot of female (or male) attention. They don’t have to work very hard for sex-if at all. Women throw themselves at them, and make it very easy for these guys to “get into the pants.” They are so accustomed to this, that you know that any woman that gives them “chase”-whether they are that attracted physically to her or not-is going to get their attention the most. They are highly promiscuous and not very selective. They’ve slept with younger women, older women, big girls, tall girls, short girls, ethnic girls or married women-they are sex addicts. But its not the sex they are addicted to-it’s the power. As my abuser said, he really doesn't "want to have to work for it."

One thing they will really pressure you to have, or at least talk incessantly about, is having a three-some. They reassure you that you would never be made to feel like number two, they tell you that they don’t think they’d be able to pull themselves away from you-but if you’ve given in and done this, you will discover that is not the case. They’ve now abused you by proxy. The abuser I was with professed a big desire for this. Fortunately, it never happened. He did however relay a story to me of a woman he was dating, that finally came up with the courage to do so, showed up at his door with a hot friend-and he turned her away, because “there were kids in the house.” She never talked to him again. Must’ve been the final straw for her.

These men love to deny women that are coming onto them. Again, it’s power. If he has to pursue a woman, or he desires her enough to seduce her, it is still only on his terms and should she want him-he is never available. Even if your relationship with him is purely sexual-if you call him for that “late night booty call”-he’s never around. He won’t even play for text sex or virtual sex-if you initiate it. But when he comes a calling, you’d better always be available, in the mood, and take care of servicing him. One of the red flags I didn’t see with the narcissist I was with, was that he seem astounded at the fact that he actually wanted me and was willing to sexually pursue me. Something I think he ended up hating me for. I had some power over him, which is part of why he was so bad to me.

You wish you had known all this, as you were one of the women that may have given into his seductive, manipulative sexy ways to get you into bed right away. But, you didn’t, and it didn’t matter even if you DID give chase, because they’d still end up treating you like crap. Abusive men don’t magically become non-abusive just because you made them wait awhile for sex. They will however, make you feel badly if you didn't. They will subtly suggest that by you being so "easy" for them, that it killed something in them-mainly their trust in you. Never mind the hypocrisy that they slept with you right away also-remember, with these men, "It's different for guys" is one of their mantras.

So stop berating yourself for giving in too soon. He wants you to feel that way-that you must be “easy” or a “slut”, because you didn’t make him work for it. On the contrary-even if you did- they would’ve “punished” you in some way for making them have to “work” for it, to have to lift a finger and make much of an effort after all. Women flock to them-not the other way around.

And they will typically go back to former lovers and flames-because they know those are a safe bet, and a greater challenge to prove “he’s changed.” He has experience in manipulating them and knows them. Better narcissistic supply. A strange woman usually won’t be approached because she could reject him. So only a woman who’s made it exceptionally obvious will “get in.”

This is why they tend to gravitate towards women who have been drinking, or who strip or use sex to get male attention themselves. He will make no effort at all to be a part of your world and interest, makes you feel inferior all the time, yet he is willing to stick his penis in you. If you say as much, it’s the “Well, I’m a guy. Its different for guys” mentality again. Or worse, accuse YOU of being the tease, playing the sex card, dangling it in front of him, and that you made yourself easy and asked for it. You were toying with him-and he was just taking from you what you kept seducing him with. Apparently, some men can have sex with women they don’t even respect or like-for years. You have just been rendered a long time prostitute with this attitude, one that never even got paid.

We end up fantasizing not about the sex, but of him holding us in his arms, kissing us, loving us, "making love" to us. Which is why if he's not able to perform, if he is a quick shooter, if he is selfish and we leave unsatisfied-we don't care. We want the "love". We are totally love starved. When we do see him such a build up of passion and memories of the beginning, coupled with any virtual suggestions he's made, makes us anticipate him like a drug addict. That's the Love Hit that we are craving and jonesing for, and his scarcity intensifies it. One game he's mastered, is "hard to get." We end up equating sex with him as passion-because its just easier than dealing with the reality that he is controlling us, manipulating us and covertly sexually abusing us as well. He may be gorgeous. He may be totally sexy. But he's a "cold fish" in bed essentially, WE are the ones that bring the fire and passion to the table. Like everything else, they just "promise" it. Rarely deliver. Its also why make-up sex with them can be so hot; when we are angry and they feel they might be losing us, that's when they really make an effort. That's when they give us what we want. Totally backasswards, as usual.

Sex and the Psycho, Part One

Well, time to dive into this one, because with a psycho and in your relationship to him, sex is a VERY large part of it. In fact, you could say that it feels like the foundation of it, because truly, this seems to be all he wants from us. Or money. In no other area of your relationship with him, will he exert more power and control than with sex and your intimacy. Here is Part one, of what to expect in your sex life with a psycho. Fair warning: Going to be getting candid and graphic in these next few postings. But the truth must be told.

Sex, this is probably one of the greatest arenas for a psychological abuser to abuse and have it also inflict the most damage. Ladies, please be honest with yourselves about the sex, also. Is it really the most amazing sex you’ve ever had? Was that really your “hook”? Lots of women I know with men like this, never reach an orgasm with them. They don’t climax. This is because these men are just as selfish in bed as they are everywhere else. They really don’t care if you “cum” or not. The only time they make an effort to please you, is if in fact, they are hooking you in....usually in the beginning when you meet, or when he's trying to suck you back in. No pun intended.

Usually they can be very skilled in some area-because that is part of their game. They will break out with this particular skill the first time you are together-and you are hooked-and then seem to not be so into pleasing you that way again. However, he will keep reminding you of certain times of your lovemaking where he pleasured you this way, and "teases" you with it.

And they do offer an “animalistic” approach to love-making and sometimes as women, we want that domination, so it can be erotic. Sometimes, we also sexualize our pain that he makes us feel emotionally. Treat us like shit in bed-at least we get some pleasure with that, just stop doing it to us emotionally. I should’ve seen the sign the first time I had sex with a man that turned abusive- that time when he told me “You’re the kind of person I want in my house. I am really intuitive and you are the kind of person I want to be with, you deserve to get laid.”

Yes, he actually said that. In one small statement “You deserve to get laid/fucked/head-whatever it is, the implication is “don’t do anything that might make it so you don’t deserve sex when you want it.” Basically, men like this make you feel that you have to prove and show that you are a human being and not a complete maggot.

“Lovemaking” is usually met with frustration because you can feel a disconnect with them. You could make love to this man a thousand times, and recall only one time he actually “made love” to you. You take that one time as a sign that he really does love you underneath all of the ego and fear. He doesn’t. Who the hell knows why you got that one tender night of actually looking you in your eyes and smiling? Of connecting? No doubt it was to further cement his power over you.

That’s brainwashing. That’s sadistic torture. They work it by: Deny you, cutting you down, demean you, bemoan you, withhold-then give in a little. The one on the receiving end of this abuse (you)will be so hungry and loved-starved, so needing anti-abuse, that these rare times of seeming normal "lovemaking" will be raised to a pedestal it never deserved to be on. You ferociously cling to these “tender” moments and “caring” bones that he throws, the same way someone who is literally being held hostage finds love and care in a captor that allows them to use the bathroom without killing them. This is part of relationship "Stockholm Syndrome" which will be written about later on.

Most other times in bed, he’s either “Wham bam thank you ma’m” or, he’s doing you from behind so he doesn’t even have to associate with you at all.

If there is no impotency problem, then he’s a quick shooter and makes no attempt to wait it out for a few and try again. When he’s done, he’s done, and so they are even able to withhold and frustrate you sexually while having sex with you. But God forbid you let onto you feeling that way. Don’t ever suggest that you aren’t satisfied. They will turn this around on you faster than the time it takes for them to climax.

Conversely, if he’s taking too long to the point of your own physical discomfort-if you make him stop, he will, very annoyed and irritated, suggest that you just weren’t turning him on enough to finish the job. Without directly saying so. It will be something to the effect of “Well maybe if you showed a little more enthusiasm, or moved better, or acted sexier“….again, it’s your fault.

If he is having problems getting an erection, he will turn it around on you by suggesting “you don’t get wet, do you?” He is hoping by doing all of the above, that you will then be beeched by your own insecurities or your attractablity and sexual abilities to please, that you will totally defocus from his obvious sexual dysfunctions.

Or, eventually, after sexually loading you up with confidence, he will puncture that balloon by flat out saying that his impotency is because of you. Even if you’ve had the patience of Dr. Ruth, the compassion of Mother Teresa and even went so far as to order Extenze off late night TV….(not because he needs it of course, you would never be so insensitive to suggest)- but because it’s supposed to enhance HIS pleasure. No matter how delicately, sensitively and understanding you are to him and any of his problems-it all boils down to you being the cause of his problems...yes, even his sexual ones.


If he withholds sex from you, typically after teasing you and getting you hot and bothered, it will be for usually these reasons:

1.You’ve accused him of just wanting to use you for sex, and he” doesn’t want you to feel that way” but then makes no attempts to actually show you that you mean more to him than just sex...so he'll say "Fine, we won't have sex then, if you think I'm using you." Or, he will come over, tease you and say "I don't want to have sex with you tonight because I don't want you to end up laying here thinking I'm using you for sex."

2) He will feed you some line like “I’ve been thinking. I am afraid to have sex with you, because I am afraid that I will just want to keep having sex with you forever.” If you should ask him what that means, or why he feels afraid-why would he have to stop if his true intention is to be with you like he's suggested, you know, once he’s over all the excuses why he really isn't-he just rolls his eyes and gives you a look suggesting you should know better than to ask that, and thus, has answered that question. (The real intent here to distract you and make you wonder if he is reconsidering you being “the only one I want to be with.”)

3) He thinks it would be “tacky” and “not appropriate” given the state of your relationship or-

4) He plays the whole “I want this to mean more, I don’t want to be used for some meaningless sex"- and twists it to make you feel that he questions your true interests and motives in him.

Or, he pulls the classic “I have a headache” routine. The same man-may at different points, do ALL of the above. He has done quite a bit of damage here; Denied your desires. Lead you on, gave you the female equivalent of “blue balls”, feigns actually caring about sex being a part of love, leading you to believe he’s a romantic, that he doesn’t want you to feel used, so therefore, he’s sensitive to your feelings-all this, but the reality is- he’s withholding as power over you.

This isn’t happening before the first time you’ve ever had sex. This is happening after you two have got it on quite a bit….even if just virtually, and he’s doing this quite a bit. Unless he's horny. Then you better be in the mood, desire him fully-and if you have a headache, take an asprin. Cause he's "cumming", whether you like it or not. Stayed tuned for more of his sex games to come.

Game # 10: Love is the drug A MUST READ

He is now beginning to play the game of "cat and mouse." After your arguments, he shows up or entices with suggestive texts, phone calls or what have-you-for some make up sex. Of course, the sex is awesome, right? He seems to be able to show his "love" for you via the bedroom, and you are all too happy to comply.

Guess what is happening here? Your own brain is working against you. Endophrines are released in your brain-like Dopamine, for example-with each of these "kiss and make-up" trysts. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter in the brain that is the addictive component to drugs. Are you following me here? This hit and quit that he does-shows up for some passionate lovemaking, throws in the "i'm sorry's" I will try harders-make you wanting for more. HE KNOWS IT. But this is no mere playing "hard to get". This is intentional, this is purposeful, and YES this can happen if you are married to him. He will often deny you sex, or, he will "give in", which you greedily lap up like a drug addict taking in a hit. You are being preened to become a Pavol's dog of sorts....where sex is now something you come to crave, because it represents all that you want from him: Approval, love, acceptance, "good." In time, he will have you so "conditioned" and "trained", that you may find yourself doing things sexually with and for him, you never thought you'd do. All while believing this is the best sex of your life.

This is especially effective if in the beginning of your relationship, you had ALOT of sex. He then isn't giving it out as much. Or he's teasing you, or he's too tired....he's witholding it. So now, when you get your 'crack hit of dick", you are even more pliable putty in his hands.

You realize, you don’t even sleep with him as often, or see him as often.  This is the “hook.” And it’s the same thing as addiction. These bread crumbs of bullshit that have you following his lead, these moments of tenderness, these tiny glimpses of seeming normality, vulnerability or a heart and soul that you get-is like a high.  During the high, you no longer question it all. You fully accept his explanations, you are “tripping” essentially that this “good man underneath it all” is who he really is, and you feel hope, promise and happiness that if you hold out, you will get more. You are his lab rat. You hang onto any feeble compliment he’s been able to give you, even though if you are honest with yourself, you realize that the compliments are mostly sexual in nature. He wants you to feel secure with that, (though watch how you are around other men)-so you will give him more of it. He has no problem “feeding your ego” in this manner-for now-because that’s the card he hopes you will play. This is further complicated by your own brain releasing these chemicals during these times.

    So far, you’ve only been able to manage being sexually satisfying to him-and now you are even wondering that- so of course, you are going to continue to do so and be bound and determined to hold onto that card. And now with this “high”, you are distorted, inebriated, under the influence, intoxicated-and of course, it feels good. It’s a relief, like an emotional Vicodin for the emotional pain he causes. A moment of being pain-free. So of course, when the pain comes back, you hold out for the promise of more “Emotional Vicodin.” Like an addict, he keeps you wanting more, with you denying the effect its having on your life, not seeing how it is destroying your health, your looks, your sanity, you think you “need him”, you think you “want him” and you wait and wait for another moment of him getting you “high.”

    And guess what? He knows it. That’s the game. Which is why if you stop calling him, texting him, stop seeing him or threatening to divorce him, and imploring with him like you would a dealer when you have a little money and a BIG craving-he will offer the hit to remind you of what your missing.

Like a drug using friend who doesn’t want to see you get clean, they will say “Hey, you are upset, come on, I got some stuff. A little more won’t hurt you. You don’t need to quit, just control it more. You don’t have a problem.” Or ,“You don’t really want to leave me, do you? I know you care about me/love me.”  If you should suggest that yes, but you don’t know if he feels the same, he will roll his eyes and answer it with a “Would I put up with all this bullshit and crazy crap if I didn’t?” Would I go through this all for sex? I can get sex anywhere.”  Would I be married to you if I didn’t love you? Again, you are given the implied threat that there are other women willing to please and service him, you should feel flattered and honored that he’s picking you. Notice the subtly of how he’s being a martyr-this “crazy crap” is certainly not coming from him.  If you still aren’t sure or you argue that point- he’ll go further.

     He might do that in a way like, “I know I gave you reason to be upset. I know I have treated you like shit. You don’t deserve this. C’mon can’t you just forget about it and forgive me? I want you to get past this so we can be together. It’s not you, its my problems, you have done no wrong!”-until next time, when the “come down” happens, when you “crash”-and he devalues you again. He raises you up, just to throw you down. The back forth/up and down/hot and cold/tit for tat/cat and mouse/ignore and chase/love and hate/soothe and abuse cycle is all he can offer you. Any resemblance to a real, loving relationship is purely coincidental and lasts very briefly. Like a drug high.

Believe me, I will cover "sex with the psycho" much more indepth. At this point though, he's got you believing its the best in the world. Yet another spell cast.