It's been a long time since I first began this blog. Almost 2 years. The anger and venom that fueled the writings has been replaced by acceptance. However, there is still a mourning in my heart for that which I still don't understand. Both in him.....and in myself.
Lately I have been having a series of dreams about him. In one dream, we were getting along great, and he was loving and sweet, just as I wished him to always be. He apologized-and meant it.
I remember waking that morning, feeling very sad...because it was only a dream.
Now I have been having dreams, where he is hurting me again. Last night, we were in a courtroom for some reason-and him screaming at me "I am dead to you now!"
My thoughts have been pre-occupied again by this "relationship". I still feel such a sadness that it all went down as it did. I still struggle with the crazy that both he and I exhibited. Mostly, I wonder: Was I wrong? I am still plagued with doubt as I wonder if I didn't villify him and he really is just troubled, rather than abusive. Though I know intellectually in my heart the truth-he was very emotionally abusive to me-still, I wonder.
In the dream last night, he was madly in love with another. He treated her, well. I still pause and wonder just what is was about this man I was so drawn to-and indeed, was it just having feelings for a projection of who I wished he'd turn out to be?
I wonder what he thinks. I wonder, if he still "hates" me, blames me, and says to himself "I was shitty BUT..." and finding some justification for his behavior. I wonder if he's changed. I wonder if he feels bad. I wonder if he is healthy and got help for his addiction problem. I wonder wonder wonder-and I don't want to. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. Some things are just so broken they can never be fixed. Yet I still ask myself. Does he wonder about me. Does he really "hate" me? Has time tempered his resentment, does he understand why I did what I did? Or am I still just "crazy."
I try not to think of the cruelity, the manipulation and the things he said to lower my self-esteem. I try to NOT think so much about how the hell anyone could violently reject someone's overtures of care, in favor of abuse. I wonder if he really just doesn't like women. Not that he is gay, but just seriously resents women. Given his history with them-not just with me-it would appear so. Some men seem to seriously resent the "power" of women, the power and dependency they feel for them-and just turn to objectify them.
I know that he isn't emotionally okay-that's why it was the way it was. I know, there was nothing I could or couldn't do to change that, and I try and accept, that I will mostly likely never understand it. Still, I wonder how he looks back at it all. I wonder, if the exposure of him to others and the pulling back of the curtain to reveal the little man behind it-as hard as he tried to "isolate" me-I wonder if it had an affect. But that would mean he would've had to have really cared about me in the first place, to be able to say "My God, I'd better get my shit together, I really fucked a good person up and that sucks." See-he had told me that once before. And went on to be WORSE than he ever was to me.
I don't understand how some of these people can have such a hold and a remarkable effect. And I can't forget how it was that I felt about him. It doesn't happen to me often. I hate the fact that I still find him physically attractive, though I would never act on it. I hate that I felt love for someone who simply didn't give a shit....yet led me on to believe that on some level, he cared TOO MUCH and THAT's why he treated me as he did. I'd like to believe that.
But only in my dreams.
I still fantasize sometimes, about closure I will never get. I know that I needed this somehow-because NO MAN will be able to do this to me again. I healed my wounds, I raised my self-esteem, and I heed the red flags. I've changed the things in me, that lets a guy like that in to be shitty. And not in a guarded, "never gunna trust anyone ever again fuck love" kind of a way, but in a way that honors myself. I get to know my crazy now. I take things slow. I don't jump into bed. Should I have a "booty call" encounter-as infrequent as that is-I walk away from it when it's over. I don't fool myself into thinking that a relationship can now spring forth from getting it in with someone I don't know.
I know what I want. I am continuing to work on myself and better myself, so I can attract a higher quality of man. For the relationship I deserve. I don't want to be fucked-I want someone to make love to me. I don't want an "escape"-I've had those relationships, too, where its all fun, games, great sex and good times-and nothing real about it. I want something honest, fufiling and meaningful-and for someone to love me FOR ME. Not my body, not my sex, not the favors I can do, or the people I know, or what they can get from me, or any other reason other than, its just ME.
Its scary in the world of dating-there's a lot of "psychos" out there. There's many, MANY emotionally unavailable people, whether they are conscious of it or not. There's a lot to risk but I am willing to risk it-FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. My standards are higher, I'm picky as hell-and I have boundaries. There's certain things I won't put up with, stand with, or accept as being "acceptable" anymore.
I guess I owe a lot of this to this man. Not that he set out to teach me, but that somehow, the universe used him to teach me all this. I needed this, to grow and get out of the negative relationship pattern I've been in for years now. I needed this to learn how to love myself.
But I still wish it wasn't him, that I had to go thru it all with. I sometimes briefly think that I wish I had met him, in a different place, a different time, different situation-and maybe then, it would've been different. That's how much I felt a "click" with this man. And I still marvel at the intensity between us, the psycology between us-and there was no 'traditional' relationship to be had. Crazymaking, indeed.
I regret that I was in the place in my life I was-lost, hurting, depressed and hating myself when I met him. It set me up for the abuses that I took. I regret that he too, was that person. I don't know about all the esoteric talk that we meet up with souls in this life for lessons, and that he was meant to be in my life for this lesson, we made a pact before we came here, or in some past live, the roles were reversed. I think we humans struggle to find meaning and logic in the very illogical, seemingly meaningless encounters we have. But some relationships are meant to be catalyst to changing our lives.....and for me, this was it. On some level-it may have saved my life. It has certainly forced me to re-evaluate everything and everyone in my life, because now my tolerance for anything remotely disrespectful and hurtful to me is 0.
I am single by choice now. The men I have met for potential relationships don't have what I want. And by that I mean, shared values and beliefs. You can have all the commonality in the world, all the attraction and chemistry, but if you can't trust the person, you have nothing.
I wonder if I will feel the way I did for him, for another anytime soon. He really got me thinking about being in a relationship again-after years of being emotionally unavailable and shut off, myself. I realize now, that is what I really want. I want that someone in my life to love, love me back, to be real with , to be honest with, to share in the ups and downs of life. I want to believe it can happen-and that it can happen to me.
This new "me"-it's lonely. I have ALWAYS had a sex partner-a "fuck buddy"-someone to get "high" with, someone to touch. Always had someone trying to merge into my lane. I have really not fed into it. I had one drunken brief fling for a night, and a few times of messing around, but, nothing to take serious and nothing to fret over. I just won't settle for just 'that' anymore. I wonder where to even meet quality men anymore-it sure isn't in the bars, though I know just as many good dudes go party with friends on the weekends as bad. I just don't think that's the smart way for me to meet anyone.
So I will continue to focus on my health-both physical and emotional, my career, establishing my life and essentially getting my shit together. I will continue to meet up with friends, enjoying them and who they are, and continue to do new activities that maybe someday, will enable me to meet another. I believe in fate and I believe in chance encounters, so, I dont fret about meeting anyone. I don't dwell on my age, or that the pot is thinning because of it-I'm just doing me and creating the right emotional environment for the right person to walk into...which I have to admit, is one of the HARDEST things I've ever had to do. It's straight up boring, as I said, lonely, and hard not to feel like I'm missing out on something. Yet I know I'm not missing out on anything. Been there, done that-and have the scars to prove it.
The brief actual relationship after I had, after the one that I've been blogging about now-was just as crazy and unhealthy-on HIS end. Me-I saw it right away. I did NOT get emotionally attached. When I ended it-it was over. HE didn't take it well. HE is not a nice guy....and I don't LIKE that. In fact, I really can't stand jerks anymore. I laugh at them. I don't take them seriously-and I don't invite them into my bed.
Some guys are jerks til they meet the right one, and some guys are just jerks-ESPECIALLY when they meet a great one. Either way, I'm pretty much over the 'jerks' so yes this can make a Saturday night somewhat boring.
I miss the good relationships in my life that I had, before this man entered it. Its been so long since I've had a loving, caring boyfriend that I hope I don't distrust it when it's there in my life. I am working on that.
I forgive this man I've blogged about. Mostly because if it weren't for him-I wouldn't be where I am at today. I forgive myself too, for having stayed, tolerated, fed into and been infected by it. But sometimes-I still wish it didn't have to be. It doesn't seem to have been all in vain, and it really could've been alot worse between us-we could've been married. It was easier to get out of the entanglement with nothing tangible between us. But I still mourn it. And I don't know why.