A Disclaimer

"Abuse" is a powerful word. Yet fitting. Some of the cruelest forms of abuse are invisible, hidden, covert and ambient. I am not a professional but I have de-coded the mind invading games of abusive people. Though I don't intend on making light of this subject, one has to have perspective when realizing how ridiculous the games are. Like the little man behind the curtain of OZ, once you strip away the ruse, YOU get your power back. If you can catch it while it's happening, you can avoid becoming brainwashed and a target to these types of people.

This site is for ANYONE who has suffered from an psychological abuser...and even those who ended up being abused in more overt or physical ways. Anyone who needs healing, of any sex, color, age, creed, background or culture. It doesn't matter if you dated, were married to, related to or worked for....anyone who's been abused this way can benefit. Abuse is not a "female" problem. It is a HUMAN problem.


"WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM."-Maya Angelou

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5.12.10

It's HERE!!!!!!!

The Ebook is ready and downloadable! For only 8.00 usd!

Go here to the website to read more about the book and to purchase:

http://youdatedapsycho.weebly.com/



Or, simply purchase directly now!!







Thank you all and God bless!!!

1.12.10

Book Update!!!!


Well, call me crazy. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard it....(as you've learned.) The book form of my blog is complete-and goes far more in-depth than the blog itself.

I felt an apprehension in using my last publisher of a book that I DO have published, for various reasons. As a result, I wondered how long it would take to research a new one, look into all the intricacies of what it takes to publish....and I felt a sense of hurriedness-like this info needs to be out now, ASAP.

In speaking to a girlfriend of mine going through a relationship that I blog about this evening-I so wished that the book was out already and I could just GIVE it to her.

Then in a weird series of Internet searching, I ran across something that made me think. About how information that people could really use to better their lives and to truly heal from harms, should be made free and available to all. ...or at least, damned affordable.

I was offered graciously to have any answers about writing an Ebook given to me by someone who has a great deal of experience in it-and in this genre.

So, without thinking too much about it, but just feeling that it is the right thing to do-I will be looking into and creating this into an Ebook that can be downloaded immediately from here, and I suppose I may create a website for it, as well.

I do feel that what I am writing about does have some value to it, and for no other reason than to support any website costs or fees that any of it may cost me-I decided that I'm going to charge virtually nothing for it. Like 5 or 6 bucks. These are difficult financial times many of us are in right now, and no one should be left out of the information here that could help them because of finances.

It just feels like it's the right thing to do. There are too many people in the world that don't understand why they are being psychologically abused, and worse-too many people in the world that don't understand what is happening in these relationships, and why it is that women seem to "Love the bad boys."

And, there are too many people in the world that don't seem to get that MEN ALSO are psychologically abused by females-and that we may in fact be dealing with a few of them that like women, end up being abusive due to their trauma.

All told-instead of going a traditional publishing route-I want this information to be readily available to those who need it, to those who are curious, and to be affordable to all. It's not that I don't believe that I deserve any profit from the work I've put into it. I just believe that people deserve to be free from the games and tyranny that shitty people bring them-and which makes them forget the good people that they are.

I don't know a date yet for all of this, as I really just decided this over the evening. I have some time off from working now and I will be able to look into this more and see what all I have to do to make this happen. I will of course be posting again when its complete and available to all!

Happy Holidays, and may you find peace from the psychos.....

9.10.10

Book and Website Recommendation if you don't think they are "psycho"


If you have read my blog, then you know that I'm pretty hard-core about the personality disorders that create these sorts of people and toxic relationships.

Im also very aware that many people struggle with doing the same, that is, they aren't ready to concede that the men or women they are involved with, are "psychopaths", "sociopaths" or "narcissists." Though I have blogged many times about how we cannot rely on the media to label what abusive people really look like and act like, some women still think that because the men in their lives can sometimes show loving traits (often to everyone BUT them), can be endearing and actually do good in this world, that they are not "evil" and not emotionally dangerous in the long run.

In enters my recommendation, which is the website called "Baggage Reclaim", by Natalie Lue. Having found herself in one too many of these kinds of relationships, Natalie began blogging 5 years ago and has become an e-book author, and workshop producer(both physical and online) helping women all over the world identify what she calls "assclowns"-or more benignly than me-"Emotionally Unavailable."

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Labels are not so important. The behaviors, the words, the deeds and the resulting pain, unhappiness, confusion and damage, is. As I have stated before-just like there are varying degrees of physical illness, perhaps there are varying degrees of mental illness so while your "psycho" may never kill someone and treats children amazingly well-this doesn't mean that you should continue to attempt the one-sided and drama, pain-ridden relationships that these types offer. "Emotionally Unavailable" is in fact, the nutshell that drives ALL of the games that I myself have written of, which Natalie also has written extensively about, and in greater detail than I.

She also takes it a step further and begins where I left off: She helps you learn how to heal from it, recover yourself and ensure you wont ever find a man like this again-and if you do, you won't want or stick around for it.

With amazing clarity and insight, Natalie takes you through your own mind and has you ask yourself some pointed questions for soul searching, of how these men inflitrate and why you may allow it to happen.

The first time it happens, you are a victim. Unfortunately, the damage done by just one of these relationships sets you up to keep attracting them over and over again. Natalie-known as NML-helps us to figure out how that happens, and what we can do about it-the key to it all being that WE have become "emotionally unavailable."

The psychology is logical and makes perfect sense-and shes not a therapist, shes just been thru it. Like me. They cant teach this stuff as well in textbooks, anyway-if you want to know how to do something, you need to go to the sources who have DONE it.


Natalies latest e-book-"Mr. Unavailable and the Fall-Back Girl", helps you recognize the emotionally-devoid men, and how we end up being a "fall back girl", and why it is we accept this role.

From diving into old hurts, to old patterns, to self-esteem issues and our own emotional avoidance of intimacy-Natalie truly tells you like it is. More importantly, she gently and compassionately helps you to tell YOURSELF how it is.

This website and her subsequent books are not for the faint of heart. It requires soul-searching, inner work and a true desire to heal and move on to find the love and good that we deserve. Nothing good comes easily yet the rewards for the task, the empowerment and the hope that her work will and has accomplished for women all over the world speak for themselves-and she is living proof as she is with a wonderful man and has 2 children by him-after years of struggling with painful, emotionally abusive and as she states, "assclowns."

Natalie also offers many FREE mini-ebooks and worksheets, and goes into the subject of "No Contact" so in-depth, that she wrote a book AND offers free 30-day emails to help you get thru that first month of it. Amazing!

I urge everyone to go over to her site. I've covered the basics here comparatively, and hope that I have opened one eye for people. NML will open both of the eyes WIDE and keep them open, and is the Visine to get the red out. Please support her works-for your OWN good!!!

*I do not personally know Ms. Lue and there is no sort of compensation for my "endorsement" here. She simply has devoted her life and energy to this subject and deserves it, and not only that-would be exactly the kind of thing I would continue to blog. Except I don't have to-shes done all the work for me! :)

28.5.10

Inspired!!!


Hello all!

Well I invite you to read the comment's to my last blog post. It was the first negative comment I have received, and I found it very interesting. What are your thoughts?

I have decided that I am going to put this blog into a book form. While I loved to "research" about my psycho-and indeed, it helped me to understand more what I was dealing with-I would have enjoyed having it all condensed into a book that I could tote around with me anywhere-the train, the doctor's office, the park.

I also have more thoughts and elaborations than a typical post can allow. Many of my posts are long enough! I would like to go more in depth into why it is we find ourselves in these relationships-sometimes, over and over again. There's many theories on why.

In any event, I will be working on it this summer, and will hopefully have it completed by fall. I will be sure to post when it is finished! Thanks all for your support and your imput, stay strong and true to yourselves!!!!

With love, Psycho Bitch

13.5.10

UPDATE

Maybe I am getting better. Or maybe I just realized, I wasn't and am not ready to date yet.

I started dating someone. I took it slow. We were friends first.

It lasted a month and a half.

Because after the intial "he's great to me" phase.....

I took a job bartending.

That's when the monster came out. I was accussed of wanting to sleep with every man who I served. If I talked to a guy, I wanted him. If I danced with a guy, I wanted him. If a friend took me for a bike ride, I wanted him. Or he wanted me. Didn't matter. My "body language" told him that I wanted these men-and I must be lying to him. Because, every woman he's been with has.

I couldn't take the jealousy and possessivness, and of course, saw that as the sign that it is-psycho. I did try and end it. When he came back with the I miss you's, the excuses, the romantic song on the jukebox dedicated to me in front of all-and so I thought, "okay, one more chance." Again I made an excuse for him-his last girlfriend had cheated on him all the time, this I knew for a fact. We all have some issues and insecurities. Can't hurt to give him a chance to show me different. But only one chance, I told myself. I didn't write this blog so I could go through it all again with another psycho. Besides, what are the odds of finding yet another?

But the worst part-the hypocriscy. I come to find out, that all the while he's accussing me and insulting me-suggesting that I would soon become a bar whore like all the others-he's been lying, and secretly seeing his ex-girlfriend. When she didn't see him one night-a night I was home ill-he went and stalked her home.

Lovely, no? Of course, when I confront him with what I came to learn-it was MY fault. If I hadn't been flirting with, talking with, getting numbers, etc-he wouldn't of have been doing that. When I continued to protest it-he then said "I'm done." And drove me home. To never speak to me again, as if HE's the victim, and I the one that did him wrong. And did this the day before my birthday.....conveinetly getting him out of the steak and lobster dinner he had promised to take me on.

Sigh........Thankfully, his true colors came out right away. Only a month of psychoness. No broken heart for me-but a bit of a flashback to the last time I dealt with this type-the abrupt cutting me off, not seeming to care of my feelings (though I was told while he drank, just how special I am, he's never known anyone like me, I'm different, and I just don't understand how much he cares about me.) Nope, I sure do. Because actions speak louder than words. This time, no red flag ignoring. This time, there's no doubt in my mind, I've met yet another controlling, immature, emotionally abusive and disturbed man. This time-I ain't sticking around for more.

So he did me a favor by being done. Ultimately, a much better birthday present than dinner. Still I wonder-how does this keep happening? But, the more I learn, the less I tolerate, and the minute I learn of this sort of thing-the more these types will be phased out. One can only hope.

30.3.10

THANK YOU ALL


I want to take this post up with a big thank you for all who have been following my blog. It has been very healing for me to do it, and to get it all out of my head, and I hope that you will find answers and relief in the postings.

Please click on the past month's to find posts that you may be able to relate to. Utilize some of the links that I have posted, and be sure to visit some of the other blogs listed-as they were a God send to me before I created mine.

I know we all have a lot better things we'd rather be doing, than scanning the internet for help and answers to try and deal with psychos in our lives and in the world. But I do thank God that we have a resource like the internet, where a platform of awareness is, where we can purge our demons, and we can find that we are not alone. God bless!!

The final part of my story (yeah, its a long read)

I ran away to Florida to try and put the pieces back together. I stayed with another long time friend, a girlfriend of 25 years . She encouraged me, since now some time had passed, to see how W was doing. Maybe he had straightened out, and I could become friends with him, get to know him and find out just what the hell that was all about? That’s the problem with these types of relationships. People don’t “get it.” She thought that it all was based on his fears and his problems and that my strong feelings meant he was my “soul mate.”

She looked online and we found his current address. I wrote him. And then tore it up. I wrote him again, and threw it away again. While I had forgotten, and never re-read the journaling I had written about him since then-I hadn’t deep down forgotten. People may forget what you say, but they never forget how you make them feel. And now all those journals were packed up in storage in Chicago, while I’m here in Florida. If I had read them, as I have now, I wouldn’t of written, no matter what my friend advised.

I had one memory of him that stuck out in my mind that was good. As sad as that is. It was those fleeting glimpses of tenderness, care and sensitivity that I clung to in wanting to believe there was something to all of this, that no one could just be straight up abusive. I thought of the good, it made me smile, and I sent the letter. I reasoned that if he didn’t respond, I would be no worse off. Wasn’t even sure if it was the right address. Had no idea that he was living with his mom, but I assumed even if I sent it there, it would get to him. He was close with her.

I sent the letter just as I was leaving to come back to Chicago. In September of 07. So now two years had elapsed since it all happened, and I wondered if now I could get some closure so I didn’t continue to fuck up any future relationships with men that did show me love.
And I was still in denial, believing that it was the cocaine as his problem. I still really wanted to believe that he was a good person underneath it all, especially with his proclamations he had made about being so sensitive, he cried at commercials, cried at movies. Course I had never seen those tears myself. Just more that he “told” me.

About a week later, he called me. I had left the phone downstairs, and when I checked it, I was shocked. I really hadn’t expected to hear from him. My roommates were like “Who was that, you seem shocked” and I said “just a guy from my past.” They had no idea of him, yet W used them as an excuse once for why he blew me off “Well I’m was afraid what your roommates might’ve heard about me or think of me.” Which contradicts him telling me that if people don’t know him, he doesn’t care what they think of him.

W left a voicemail saying that he had been thinking about me too, and he would love to see me and to talk to me, he was with his kids but call him soon. I didn’t want to interrupt his time with his kids, so I just texted him to let him know that I got his message and to call me back when would be good for him. He called me back shortly.

We talked and he said that he had been thinking of me a lot especially recently, and that when he’d drive past where I used to live, he’d look for my car, wondering if I was still there. Must’ve lost my number because I’ve had the same one for seven years. He went on to say that he was totally different now, he had changed. He felt badly over how he had treated me, and he wished I was inside of his head. He was humbled now, as he explained he was living with his mom, he and J broken up. Said he was “fat” now, and had been on a dating hiatus for a year, with the exception of one girl which didn’t amount to anything. Mentioned how he hadn’t even talked to his sister for a year, recently reconciling after some falling out over his ex brother in law, who treated her bad. That guy came into some money, left his sister, took off, took up with a stripper, then wanted his sister back. He said ‘You can’t just say that you’ve changed, you have to show it.“ No mention of coke-and I was afraid to ask.

Anyway, he said “I’m not sure that I can get together tomorrow (a Wednesday) but Thursday definitely for sure. He didn’t say what we would go do, only that he wanted to see me.
And I should’ve known. I should’ve seen the red flag when Wed evening around 10pm, he texted me. And said “I have a hard on and was wondering if you could help me.” Right there, I can honestly tell you I knew, just like I knew with my intuition the first time around, that I was going to get hurt. And my initial reaction to this text was that he was crazy. We hadn’t spoken in two years-and it ended badly. Very badly. He was horrible. And the first thing he does, is enquire about sex?

I don’t know why I didn’t go with my initial reaction which was to ask him, “what the fuck?” I guess I just wasn’t up for conflict right out of the gate. I wanted to see him, to see if somehow I had been delusional. I wanted the closure, and was afraid to rock the boat. And I never thought him unattractive physically. It had been awhile since I had been with anyone, and since its through text message-I saw no real harm, nothing to take too seriously. So I fed into it. It was sorta awkward and within 5 mins he then said “Done! Goodnight!” and I was pissed. What the hell? Even text sex with him was like the real thing had been-all about him, me left unsatisfied.

This time I said as much. I texted back “that’s pretty fucked up W.” He replied omg you’re right I didn’t mean it that way sorry, see you Thursday?” and I said Fine. Not going to argue about it.

He called me around 4pm Thursday to “say hi” to further say he was sorry for that text, and to tell me that he was going to meet with his sister first for dinner. Originally it was going to be Chinese but now they were going to go for Mexican. He said that he’d call me when they were close to being done, and we’d meet up. I seemed hesitant and he picked up on it and he said, “What, do you think I am worse than last time?” and I thought that cant possibly be, since he seems to have regret and remorse for what happened before. So I said okay, see you later. He said that he’d most likely call me around 8 or so.

By 10:30, I still hadn’t heard anything. And then I got the text “My sister spilled Margaritas all over our cell phones. I left and went over to a friends to email you but I forgot your email, then I drove around where I thought you might be living in case you were outside with a lynch mob waiting for me, and now I just got home and I’m using the battery from my ma’s cell phone, I do want to see you!”

I really didn’t know what to say. I gave him points for creativity, but I knew this had to be bullshit, especially with him, the longer the story, the more its apt to be crap. But you know, when people bullshit you, they put you in a position. You can react and claim that you think they are lying, but then they can turn it around on you and say “you have no proof that I’m lying, and you are accusing me, so fuck you!”-and that’s what W would do. So I said fine that I’d give him another chance.

He texted me the next day to say All day wanted to see you, cant figure my hesitation! Want it 2 be new with you! Have 2 figure out how! Think what u want, but afraid of messing this up!

He then said “Hope you didn’t come back to remind me how shitty I was!”
I said okay. Life was getting better for me now and I didn’t need anymore bullshit. He said that life was getting better for him too, and that he would like us to fit this time, on any plane, and that “Let me this time!”

And we did talk on the phone again, where only once, did he ask me how my day was going. I told him that my youngest kid had just made the star of the school play, which was a musical and she would be singing. He said to me “Wow, I would go to that, if you invited me, I’d go! When is it?”-emotionally sucking me in. I told him that I usually go to these things alone. And it was 3 months away and yet he still said “I’ll go with you”. For me to take a man to any of my kids events, he’d have to be someone good. I didn’t tell him that, but that’s how I feel-and I couldn’t believe he even said that to me…much less making a date 3 months in advance. But I took it as a sign that maybe he was different now. Of course, he never mentioned it again, much less did go. But I remembered as I went by myself.

He told me “Nothing you did or didn’t do back then would’ve mattered, and asked me why he deserved? Then said something weird “I don’t understand my ability to not pay attention to things I don’t care about.” Believe me, those words haunted me later.
But I agreed to see him again. We were going to meet up at 7pm. At 4:30 he texted and said Working late my son wants me 2 take him 2 practice ex just reminded me 730 conference 4 other son rain check.”

Obviously, someone who would want to see you, would a) CALL and b) make plans to see you later, after the practice. And it was a flashback to all the times he’d text that he had my money, all the times he blew me off before. And when he was completely full of shit-he’d text. And incidentally-this was another Thursday night. I wondered if Thursdays were still his paydays, and party nights. And I was upset. Again he’s blowing me off, and again, texting me. So I said so. His response was “My kids have and always will come first! Maybe I’m the fool thinking u could accept that.”

Hmmm. He’s blowing me off. He’s doing it through text. Even my fucked up misogynistic roommate says to me “What kind of a scumbag uses his kids as an excuse to get out of seeing you?” And this is a perfect example of W’s head games. Because of course anyone who would get upset and think that they should come before anyone’s kids is crazy. But this wasn’t about the kids. And he wasn’t going to do that to me, make me doubt myself again. I saw through this. He was hoping that I would be so upset that he could think that I don’t understand kids coming first, that I would then be driven to convince him I did understand that, please forgive ME, and effectively defocus the attention from his shitty behavior onto my reactions. And then I told him that I thought it was quite the coincidence that this was yet another Thursday, and yes, I accused him of blowing me off to go party. Why wouldn’t I? So I told him
“Don’t insult me. This has nothing to do w your kids. You know this. Stop treating me like I’m an idiot or that I did something wrong. That I wont and don’t accept. You were out partying, weren’t you?”

He replied that “Once again you are wrong about everything. I asked you to believe me. Had enough of hearing your false allegations, stop texting me, not gunna open!”

Yes, he had asked me to believe him. This is what he had asked me.
“Will you be able to take me without question? Take for what it is, not analyzing and comparing? If I constantly have to prove, it wont be same. Like way I feel about this.”
And then some how, I would end up apologizing. To which he said that there was no need for me to apologize, he did owe me an explanation, that he would call me Sunday after he dropped off his kids. He didn’t.

I know what you are thinking. Why did you let this go on? Maybe because I’d get a text like this:
“What hurt the most with back and forth with J is that she knew me like no one else did.
She met me right after my divorce. Knew my heart was fragile. I don’t want to give love until feel can give all I know I have. Some get impatient, I understand, but I cant let another take a piece of me until I feel open for love. Want it, need it, know how to give it. Cant believe I want you to know, trust you wont use against me!”

See what he did? He effectively got me to feel sorry for him. Once again, he is using J-and look, she was so patient and understanding after his divorce. So if I want that-and to be one that “knows me like no one else does”, I should then be patient and understanding. He is playing on my sympathy that his heart was broken, his walls are up, and then trying to make it seem like this is some sort of confessional that he can’t believe he is telling me this, that he is then giving ME trust-which is phenomenal-and that I won’t “use it against him.”

Were we in the same relationship in the past? Cuz when I look back, I see that I was the one fucked over by HIM-yet look at that.
Just another method to control my behavior and my emotions. Playing the card that HE’s been so hurt, just totally wrapped up in himself. You know, fuck my feelings and him needing to prove himself worthy to me, to regain MY trust. And I was thrown right back into the world of having to prove that I’m not like all the other hurtful women in his life.
He’s good.

Finally he did call during the week and said “lets get together Saturday night.” The fact that he was calling, as opposed to texting, meant that he meant it. I said “Why so you can blow me off again?“ He had told me that the two times of blowing me off didn’t count as blow offs, because they weren’t intentional. A blow off is when you intentionally do it, because you are either trying to piss the person off, or something better has come up. Keep that statement in mind, because you will lose count after 21 times of him blowing me off. And he promised that he wouldn’t. Wanted me to come over to his sister’s house. You know as long as I had an invite to come to wherever he was, I was guaranteed that then I would see him. So I went.

He looked good, as always. A little grayer, which he kept pointing out, a little heavier, but not this “fat” that he had described himself. But he was doing coke. And he blamed me. See, I didn’t want to come right out and ask about it. I don’t know why-other than I thought he’d lie to me anyway.

When I got to his sisters, and he did a bump in front of me, he said “Its weird to be doing this in front of you.” But because he was back coked up, his mouth was once again going a mile a minute. First thing he said was “So how old are you now?“ and I told him. He said “Really wow, I thought you were older.“ The same shit he had said the first night I went to his place, 3 years prior, which is why I mentioned that. WTF? This time I said what I thought of that, that not being a flattering thing to say to a woman, and he said “No, I LIKE older women!“ Im only 4 years older. And this led into further talk about what else? Other women. He tells me that he and J broke up because she was off fucking some guy in Colorado, so he ended it with her. Said that she hasn’t ever been able to stay faithful and it was even a problem with her son’s father. Said “everyone wants to fuck her!” and described how she got lasix surgery on her eyes and “even the doctor wanted to fuck her!” I didn’t ask how he knew that, but unless the doctor told him himself, I’d consider the source on that one. Seems fucked up and abusive that he’s so aware of her indiscretions and how many people want to fuck her.

Then tells me that she had breast enhancement surgery, that he told her that her breast were just fine but she felt insecure about them, so she got fake boobs. Right. She seems really concerned that her promiscuity and inability to commit is hurting anyone, so rather than deal with that, she gets bigger tits to be even MORE of a sexual attractant. Seems W was as blind as me.

Again, TMI. I didn’t need to know this, and all it does is paint a picture of her that she uses her sexuality to get through life, and uses her A.D.D as an excuse, and she sounds as fucked up as W, yet, that’s who he’s comparing me to. I’m sure she has good qualities-most people do. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t a hot mess.
Anyway, I was uncomfortable discussing J further as that was a big problem for me the last time around, a bone of contention. However, she obviously gave him some good as he relayed that she had ended up lending him 8 thousand to save his house (which had ended up in foreclosure-so no, he didn’t end up selling it.) To save it from foreclosure, he had borrowed the money, evidently it was too late. So what happened to the money-anyone’s guess. I guess she did really know him because she ended up making him sign a promissory note-which to him, a promise I’ve come to learn- means nothing. But he signed it, and without going into detail he just tells how at the end of the relationship, “she threatened to take me to court.” He went on to say that he and his buddies did work around her house for her -you know, because as he said “that’s what you do when you are with someone” and he said “If she takes me to court, I can get my buddies to write up receipts for the work we did, which is easily 10k if not more, she actually owes ME money.”

Meanwhile, it was his mom who had bailed him out, put the car he was now driving on her credit card, and he was paying her back every month.
Now I was bothered that he said that about J because that seemed wrong to me. Whatever their issues, she lent him a significant amount of money that he promised to pay back-and now it appeared that he was trying to get out of it. I didn’t say anything and he elaborated further that “yeah, I actually ran into her a few months ago at the mechanic, and talked her out of it, out of taking it to court. I think she felt guilty.” But given my own money issues with him, I wondered if he hadn’t just used her for money too, and was just making half this shit up about his “feelings” for her, and her “problems”, to make me feel like I had to compete. My confusion knew no limits.

Meanwhile, he then brought up his ex-wife, because she had now gotten re-married. “Yeah, he’s really quiet. He’s from Venezuela or something. Him being quiet-that’s good for her.” But he then went on to talk about how they wanted to move to another town, and W had a problem with that, because he’d be further from the kids. Only 25 mins further, he’s acting like its hours. He hemmed and hawed and made it seem like he made such a big deal out of it, that they decided not to. He said “I won that one! Now her husband has to ride the train an hour into the city everyday still” as he laughed, seeming to get some sort of glee out of this. I just thought it made him seem like a petty, vindictive selfish asshole.

Then we get to him and I. He said “I don’t want you to think that I don’t care or I wasn’t into you” when I told him “Sure have a funny way of showing it!” He also said that part of his blowing me off recently was because he felt that we needed to have this talk and that to be out together we couldn’t of. All he could say to my declaration that he had a weird way of showing it was to repeat my name over and over……”.

Said to me “Yeah, it sucked, cuz all I wanted was sex.” Hearing that stung as that is certainly not all the bullshit he was trying to drum up my ass before-when he must’ve felt he had something to lose and something to gain before. Now he was confirming what I had always accused him of-only using me for sex-when before, he’d protest and tell me that it wasn’t like that, it was more to him than just sex. Then he proceeds to tell me “You let me be a jerk, and I didn’t like that.” Who says that?? I mean, maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Whether I “let” someone be a jerk or not-they are still a jerk! Says more about them. But the fact that I “let” him-and I don’t believe that I always “let” him, I just kept forgiving it-but again, he seems to think in life that we all have the power to control and “make” and “let” people do what they do. But he did tell me that “You were right!” although what about, I’m not sure. I can assure you, I haven’t been right about anything, or anyone in his life since. And when I mentioned the laughing girl in the background-something I think still haunts me to this day-he says “Oh yeah, that girl. But I wasn’t fucking her!”-like that should make it okay, or that yeah, that’s even believable.

I didn’t know what to say to that, and I didn’t want to argue. There was something wrong with him, I thought, and it’s pointless to argue. I said that I just don’t care the reasons why anymore and it was funny because someone on TV said the exact same thing after I did, almost a way to cement it. At that moment, I didn’t-I just wanted to get past it and see if I could get to know him more in a way that might strip away my illusion of him being a good guy, show me that he was a good guy, to know some other side to him other than this brutal, spoiled and selfish side that he’s given me. I wondered if J, who he told me knew him better than anyone, knew this guy in W.
He told me that “I’m not sleeping with you tonight” and I was like “Uh, okay”, like, What the hell? No one asked you to, I wasn’t there looking for that and I didn’t expect it and wasn’t even sure if I wanted it. Although he was sexy and cute to me still, I just wasn’t sure. Which is why I was very careful to only drink half the vodka drink I had in front of me all night. This time, I was staying sober.

He once again said that he had been on hiatus and hadn’t been dating anyone. I said “well what about sex?” when he said he had people he could call for that. Basically, he felt that if he met someone, and even if she was totally cool and understanding about his circumstances-living at home and broke-he still thinks she was crazy for wanting to get involved. I agreed. At least I had met him when he had something, seemed to at least have some shit together.
We watched a bit of a movie, and then around 11:30 I got tired and called it a night. He walked me out to the car. When I had arrived, he had given me the biggest bear and sensual hug I had in a long time-a memorable hug indeed. Now that I was leaving-he walked me to my car-but gave me a very weak almost non-hug. I didn’t know how to take that.

Once I got home, I realized I had forgotten the vodka-and the pack of cigars I had left in his sisters garage where I could smoke. I texted him and I asked him if he could drop them off on his way back to his place after the Bears game. I was currently living about 5 mins away from his sisters. I was sorta pissed I had done this, because it made me flash back to the first night we were together and he told me about how women would leave stuff behind at his house just so they had an excuse to come back to see him. I didn’t want his arrogant ass believing that was the case here. On the contrary, I just wanted to leave badly enough that I didn’t think about it. I was uncomfortable with him.

He had pretended to take an interest in my life and my latest stuff, and his eyes perked up when I told him that I had a website where I sold t-shirts. He asked me to show him, and I did. And he made no comment at all. Nothing like “wow that’s cool” or “what gave you the idea for the concept”- nothing. No real reaction at all. This is not a man who will compliment you, take an interest in what you do, or give you any reason at all to believe that he’s impressed with you in anyway-even if he is.

So he texted back and said that I needed to come back for it, like right now! We further texted and if I had offered to come back right then and there, he would’ve loved it. Except that I didn’t. He said “Come back and see me and get them in the morning, come for breakfast.” And it got sexual and he hit on me-like a cellular kiss the first night-and I relented and agreed to come back. But I was going to go to bed now. And because he was coked up-he wouldn’t stop texting me. He texted me every hour. “Hurry up! I’m waiting for you!’ and things like that. I finally knew I wouldn’t get any sleep-and I should’ve just turned my phone off, except I was liking the attention- I was still very attracted to him-and I thought maybe he had changed after all. Yes, he was still coked up. But maybe it was the once in awhile thing that he claimed it now was. I’m a fool.

I arrived back at his sisters around 7am-and he had been up all night, jacked up all night. He grabbed me, we started kissing he takes me to the bed and then says ‘This is about you.” Just like he had said the first night. Now I truly believed he must be crazy, or these are just lines that he uses on everyone. Except this time it was all about me-as for the first time ever, he put my satisfaction first. He finally pleasured me with no thought of himself first, and it was wonderful and satisfying. So when once again he had coke dick, I really didn’t care now. However, this is interesting to note-while he was getting frustrated saying “This is all I’ve been able to think about for the past four hours”, to try and help himself, he grabbed some warming lube out of the bathroom. Remember the shit he gave to me about that stuff in the past. Wasn’t too worried about a reaction now.

Besides the cocaine, he explained to me that he was now taking two different medications-one for his blood pressure, the other for his heart. I wasn’t sure for what diagnosis of his heart, and he wasn’t clear to me on that. His sister had just had a mild stroke, it ran in his family, he had hyper- coagulated blood (which means thick, in laymen’s terms, a stroke risk as the clotting factor is high) and high blood pressure-which had also been a problem for him the first time I knew him. He had said on the phone to me ‘I told my ex wife, if I had been on these pills when we were married, we’d still be married!” He said he could tell a difference in him-except that now, even when he would try to play with himself, things just weren’t up to par. He just didn’t get as hard as he used to.

I didn’t give him shit on this, I understood. The one fatal error he did was try to manipulate a nurse. But that comes later. I don’t recall making an issue out of it-I never had before-when he then remarks ‘You don’t get wet, do you?” which was retarded and ridiculous. It seemed transparent and obvious to me that the statement was made designed once again to make me feel insecure, to take the focus off of him, to have me wonder about myself. If he could make me worry about my own sexual function, then I wouldn’t be judging or thinking about his dysfunction. And I didn’t buy into it at all.

After being there, somehow the texting began, non-stop between us, and highly sexual. Now we were having text sex-no other way to put it-and now he was being very sweet and extremely complimentary. But the manipulation was beginning and now looking back on it, absolutely cruel and unreal.

After seeing him, and now with us texting like we were-I was sent back into a fantasy land because of what he would say. He would tell me Fyi way I was to you long ago was my problems, you did no wrong! Want you to know that.
I’d tell him that I didn’t understand why he seemed to be so attracted to women who were no good, with the stories he had told me. He’d say: Those women kept me from getting hurt.

I told him I didn’t want to be used for sex again, and he’d tell me
“Me too. Why you think I haven’t been involved in so long. I too get used. No more! My fear for you is, you wont allow me to be nothing but honest and nice to you.”
What???? How could I not ‘Allow” that? Is he really trying to insinuate that if he can’t be good to me, it’s because I don’t “allow” it? Just like I “let” him be a jerk? And then I told him that he needed to do me a favor and not use coke in front of me. I didn’t want to judge him, not telling him to stop, just didn’t want to see it. When he replied “Thanks! All u had to say. Hope you like waking up to my hardness!”
And he invited me to spend the weekend with him at his friend house, because his friend was going out of town. He texted me “So b is leaving about 6 Friday night. Want you by 7! Gunna touch and kiss every square inch of you.” And continued on to say that “I Love how I am able to feel and express this desire for you. You wont want anyone else after! Ok hope you feel you can trust my attraction for you can grow. Probably would still enjoy your yummy body but the desire for your passion is what I am after.”

And I’d say again, I don’t want just sex. I was digging it, getting into it, but it wasn’t what I was ultimately looking for. Neither was a relationship. I wanted to get to know him. He told me “Been trying to say I want more of you. The sex you are gonna get fuck buddies never got from me. Want us to let this lust show both of us that it is not just sexual! I want you for myself this time. Try not to take more than I can give. Want to give you what you want. K?
Have to test and let me be tested! Don’t want to settle, want a happy ending.”

What is up with all this “testing” shit? What kind of deity complex does he have? It’s just all a method of controlling people and their behavior, period. And I don’t need to pass anyone’s tests of me, god, who does he think he is? He goes on to say “You realize I am tying you up all weekend, B gone till Sunday.” I was apprehensive to believe it. “L I want to make every bit of you feel just how fuckin sexy you are to me. Want to say again, the passion for you never felt so much and never was as comfy expressing. Love that you are the beneficiary.”

More texting.

“You are driving me crazy! Have a feeling your sex will be a perfect activity, I mean coke wont have a chance.”

What? Now I’m the distraction from cocaine? Well, at least it’s not another woman this time. So I thought. “Cant wait to see you without C running thru my blood.. Have you ever been sexually satisfied without sex? Fuck even with??” With? So which is it? Is he seeing other women, or is he on a hiatus?
“Fuckin a! Lisa fuckin you this way, (text) the openness the anticipation the lust this is a fantasy better than I ever imagined!
You turn me on, you want me and you want it like I haven’t wanted a woman to want it for long time. You can have it how ever and as much as you want it!”
Again, I reiterated that I don’t want just that from a man.
“Of course you will get wined dined spooned waked while I make eggs.” I’m leaving out the explicit parts.“Again! For me to have reached this level of desire cuz more than a fuck I want. Door will be open to what we both know is out there. Great sex comes many ways you and I fucked em all. This way want to come from both us. For me I want you to let me treat you like a princess let me fuck you like a whore and just treat me like you want to be treated. No analytical bs! Take what I will give and trust it. I will be nothing but honest open can’t do unless you trust.”

So, I’m just supposed to trust him, take him at his word. However, his words at his sister’s is still haunting me, when he told me in relation to us “I don’t want to have to work for anything.” Clearly this is true. So I am supposed to just believe what he has to say, take him at his word, give him trust that he hasn’t earned back, and then he tells me “No analytical bullshit?”
And just as I would be thinking these things, I’d continue to get texts like this:
“Patience is hard I know, bed time sweet dreams hope you keep my words and text sex for you, no one should get what I want for you. I am getting mushy like a teenager. So what is your schedule like? Job situation? If lot a rain short day for me need to kiss and touch you asap! Can’t wait for weekend! Call you at noon on Monday. I want you to let me make love to you. Want you to feel my passion before we get our freak on! So no matter where we wind up, you felt it. Sorry the bs in between! I’m excited to have you at B‘s, so then when I am there, I can imagine a sexy woman instead of him with other guys!” He said that, because B is gay.
And I wanted to believe. And he didn’t call Monday. And I called him Thursday, to firm up our plans for us spending the weekend at B’s together. I called and left a voicemail Thursday around noon.

He called me right back and said “I know you aren’t going to believe this, but I was just on the phone with Bill, and he canceled his plans for going away this weekend.” I didn’t believe it. And I texted him after we hung up, to never text or call me again. So, he gets mad at me and says “What do you want me to do? You are going to blame me because my friend canceled his plans? What the hell can I do about that?”

Again, making me out to be the bad guy. I’m the one that is over-reacting, not being understanding, upset at him because of what someone else is doing. In other words, he is totally blowing me off AGAIN, bullshitting me again, and has come up with yet another excuse that makes it my fault if I get angry about it. Now, instead of recognizing my frustration at being blown off-its that I’m not being understanding to him and I’m blaming him for what B is doing. So now I have to prove that I’m not unreasonable and that if I was only understanding and didn’t “react”, then we’d have no problems.

But you know-he’s changed. It’s all different now. Because he texted me, and told me so. “L, before was a mess now honestly all different. You have every reason to think same. Why would I say things I didn’t mean? Maybe if was getting sumthin or using you. You represent what I want it scares me! All in has always brought pain.”

He texted me saying that he didn’t mean to sound weird or anything but that he didn’t want his cock to share. Went on to say something about “it would be nice to not have to wear fucking condoms anymore.” Clearly he was still smarting over J sleeping around, or maybe just sick of having to wear condoms and not be in a committed relationship. Having to share. He was asking me to commit before we even really hung out. But I didn’t get this-I had even told him in my letter to him from Florida that I wanted to be FRIENDS. Now maybe I was sending the mixed message, because I was sexual with him, but, before jumping into a relationship, how about we establish a friendship? Date?
Man, we are BOTH fucked up.

More text was when I said to him if I was in a dark place and needed a friend, I didn’t think he’d be there. He responded to that with he didn’t have the energy for this, he was sorry but he couldn’t be in my life, that he hoped I found what I was looking for. He said “please don’t respond with hate like you did last time.”

And I didn’t. I said that I wished him the best, and I don’t remember what else but it ended up with something about love and he said “gonna find it!”
A few hours later he texted me, when I was out with my roommate. He said something like “I have been trying to figure out all day. Again said that he had to test and to let him be tested, didn’t want to settle, that wanted a happy ending.
So stupidly, I gave him another chance.

I had texted him to ask him what would be the fastest way to one town from another in the morning. I figured he’d know-he works in one, lives in that area, and there was a job I was looking at there. He never responded. I asked again the next day-still no response.
When he did respond, he ignored my question, acting as if he hadn’t heard it, and started in with the sex stuff-probably to distract me, which it did. We made plans to go bowling the next week. This was on a Friday. And that lead into that he was going to stop by my place the next day, before we go out the following week, to at least give me a hug. Told me he’d be by around 7. Said that he at least wanted to see me to say sorry and give me a hug, because he remembered how the last one made me feel.
He never showed, he never called, he never texted. I got drunk, texted him at midnight, asked him if he was gay. At this point, I didn’t know what the hell he was.
When he finally texted me a few days later, before I could wonder what had happened to him, before I would bring up our plans to go bowling which would’ve been around now, he told me that he had been hit in the head by some cement in the truck falling on it. He had a headache and didn’t feel very good. Concerned, I told him to take some Tylenol, have a friend call him in a few hours to make sure he wakes up. I told him the signs to watch out for, for a possible concussion. I didn’t hear back from him.

I texted him the next day to see if he was alright. No response. Finally, the next day I get a response. “Hey you, sorry for not saying hi, liked your concern for me. Haven’t let too many do that. You get to pick my brain while you try to beat me bowling! Dilemma with B- to me seems he is hinting a lot, he wants me, he knows I’m not gay really bugging me! Talk to you tomorrow. Plan on us by 7.”

No call, no show. And guess that gay comment got to him. Of course, I reacted-was being blown off AGAIN.

He texts back that he wanted to see me tonight, he wanted to sit down, figure it out and to give me an explanation because I’m wrong about a lot of stuff. He told me that he would call me. He didn’t, and I was further angry.
And his excuse now, was that he was being subpoenaed, and that some secretary had extorted a ton of money from his old boss, got huge house, cars, coke, etc and now wanted W to testify on HER behalf, though he says she’s fucked.
And I remembered him telling me back in the day, that he used coke with his old work buddies. These must be them. And I then wondered what the hell his relationship with this secretary was about. All I know, is what the hell this has anything to do with me, is beyond me. Once again, excuses. Once again, drama in his life. It is ALWAYS something with him, as you’ll continue to see- and I never heard about this again.

He was still totally paranoid. One night, as we were texting hot and heavy, after 15 minutes he says to text him from my phone, so he’d know it was me, after I had been texting from my laptop. Am I going crazy? Who else would it be? And I say as much. “Who else would it be??? This is my laptop, no one else has access to it. Okay, like, your middle name is dieter. might’ve spelled it wrong, but never forgot that one LOL!!!!” “Ok but the number matches somebody the 44O6.”He says “I am with my kids call you sun night.” He didn’t.

And it all just continued. I’d be upset that he wouldn’t call, wouldn’t show, and I’d get “L believe me all the bs then and now, was mostly cuz of other shit not you. You know I’ve tried to explain it all. My attraction for you was always real and not just for sex! Never would I ever go through the crazy bs we did for a fuck! I always had couple no bs fuck buds so didn’t need you just for sex.”
You know, he just can’t keep talk of other women out of our problems-ever-which is one of the problems.
“Going 2 sleep now. Wont blow u off again! Call u later.”he’d text.
Didn’t call me later, and would blow me off again.

And I did try and defend myself. I’d get “My mind and you know my cock wants you. Silly you know that part of heart is under construction and this time union workers building it, takes longer but usually done rite! Ha!” Which would then lead into more pillow talk, which would then lead into he would be coming to see me tomorrow, or call me tomorrow-and he never would. I wouldn’t hear from him, until I’d hear something like this:” Sorry for the hot and cold lot going on in my head me too need to think about us.”

Id tell him how I feel, and he’d ignore that. Say nothing to it. Finally, Id feel I had to give it an end. I couldn’t take anymore blowing off, and bullshit, because I’d get shit like this, after I’d say “Just tell me you are alive?” “Alive and doc was happy at check up today. Can I see you tomorrow? Just for 7 minutes, got explanation speech down to 7 mins. You are allotted 7 mins for rebuttal!”
I said “I don’t think it will take me seven minutes to hold my middle finger up.”
“You gunna bash me, or let me see you? What you doing? All day you on mind. Not your ass or my cock in your mouth but if you can let me apologize?
“Where about 8? Will explain then if I can control this hard on 2 make love to you!”
So I reminded him that he doesn’t have my address.
“Bedtime long week I want to write this and have you not think I’m jerk. Want u 2 fuck more of me than any other has. Where you at?” So I sent my address.
“Address didn’t cum”….. blah more sex stuff”So I sent it again.
“No thought u were sending address. You know I want you! You know I want to… you like no other! I woke up Tuesday at 2AM thought of you!”

And he’d somehow end the conversation with a “see you tomorrow!” No confirmation of receiving my address, still claiming he hadn’t gotten it, so how was he going to see me tomorrow? And how did he get all the other text? At this point, I was thinking that I was crazy. Exactly where he wanted me.
By now it was coming up on Thanksgiving, and I texted him to remind him how we had first gotten together on Thanksgiving eve. He says “Wow 3 years! Have many things I would change if I could but maybe changing mistakes along life’s path just lead to different ones! I don’t know why I was a jerk to you. I am sorry. You didn’t deserve it then and specially not now.”
And it continued. The blowing me off. The sex text, and the promises of coming over the next day. By now it was close to xmas. I had enough. I couldn’t get this man to see what he was doing to me. I couldn’t seem to get him to explain it, though he had already offered to come over and talk to me numerous times. I’d say yes to that, and get blown off that way, too. So I put together and made a video of my feelings, using icons and pictures you can find online. My words weren’t getting through-maybe if he saw it, heard it-he’d GET it.
And meanwhile, I was getting advice to just put it online. There are websites that are designed for women to tell their stories about being mistreated from men, to warn them. I just wanted so badly to stop being ignored. Understand that the ignoring occurred while things we supposedly “okay” between us, when he would soothe and placate me with his words. If I was nice, I was ignored. I wanted him to watch this, so I “threatened” him.

“L honestly thoughts of hurting you was part of hesitation, hurt was not my intent.” Which I found nuts. It was the hesitation that was hurting me, the blowing me off, the mind games! So I said as much with “How could you NOT realize that you were being hurtful, especially when I would tell you, hey, you're hurting me?? God, all I wanted to do was go bowling!!!! Its ridiculous how you treated me. All I wanted was for us to be FRIENDS first and foremost. Get to actually know me before you judge and condemn me. I wanted to help you, too. I DIDNT want to see you hurting, wanted you to see that it doesn’t have to be all pain and heartache. Didn’t even care if it went into a relationship or not. I didn't want to mother you but I knew I could help with some things and be supportive and caring. You never “let” me, and instead treated me like a slut.” And he’d say “ Wish I could take back or fuck you to forget my foolishness !”That’s the response I’d get, when I did get a response to how I was feeling.

“Well that’s why the joke is on you,” I continued,“When you see what I made you, you'll see-once, I cared more about you then you'll ever know, understand or appreciate. Seems like the only way you can show any feelings at all anymore, is thru your cock. With you I guess that means something, since you are so used to women wanting to use you for sex that for you to be like how you are to me, I’m supposed to interpret that as caring. Sorry to analyze but that's how I see it. Think you need help. I finally got some response.

“Not to justify but wanting you then blowing you off was to me the only way to not hurt you. Kept feeling could go all in wanted to be sure before chance of hurt. Wasn’t mean to you. You are wrong about me, but I can see how you think you are right. But why let others judge me? I had overcome the thought of you being evil, guess I was right! Hate to say paybacks are a bitch not like me. What is the address of my humility? L wtf. For the record my hesitation with you was because I wanted to feel like I could give my all to you. Wanted my shield down . Attraction for you was real. Sorry went back and forth with it. Took your persistence and sometimes understanding me to get over my fear of your bad side. Part of rel. is even at bad times not to plot evil. Yes I was not right to you, maybe cuz wanted to give you all but couldn’t. Wasn’t mean or evil just confused. How can you want and care about someone and then lose all respect? Go to extreme of humiliation, on a level that could do real damage. We all have skeletons and secrets. I know now some of yours. Couldn’t ever use against you. Kids work and others don’t need to know your mistakes and flaws. What right would you have to do that to another?”

Who said anything about his kids??? Or his work??

Well, I’m not supposed to analyze him. He doesn’t like that. But look at this. Wanting me then blowing me off was the way NOT to hurt me? Oh, this time around he wasn’t covertly mean to me, but he was being what’s called an ambient abuser, by denying me and teasing me. Teasing me with coming over, teasing me with apologies, explanations for his behavior, teasing me with calling me, teasing me with seeing me, with offers for hugs, offers to go bowling- and manipulating me with the whole J thing again. And then yanking the rug out from underneath me. Again, I am wrong about him. He had overcome the thought of me being evil. ME? What the hell had I ever done to be perceived as evil? Chase after my fucking money? That’s funny because we sure saw the mood that put him into one night, and the excuse for why he was letting me down again. And now he’s threatening me back, with “Paybacks are a bitch”-and that’s not like him? I’d say it was, the way he yanked the picture card from me. He feared MY bad side? Is he fucking crazy??

He had a delusional expectation that I should just trust, believe and give to him, after all he had done in the past, but he feared MY bad side? Once again, I had to prove MY worth? Am I crazy? This is what the professionals call “gas lighting”- making a person feel that their perspective of reality is the one that is the illusion. And no, I don’t have skeletons and secrets. I thought he had so much respect that I wrote a book of my secrets? No, I don’t have anything to hide, he has nothing on me. He doesn’t know ME, yet that is his battle cry always. Mistakes and flaws? I’d say that what he’s doing is more than mere mistakes and flaws, and what right? What right he asks? What right did he have to keep me waiting, to set me up, to fuck with my head, to disrespect my time, to manipulate me as he has? I DID try to stop it. I DID try to end it, over and over. And he’d come back with more BS that I fell for.
“I am so sorry.”

By the end of January, I couldn’t take it as I felt I just had no closure. Just fucking say something to end it. Be normal! “Sorry” just isn’t enough! And now, he uses what I did with the video-and all I did was send it to him-as the excuse for his behavior.
“Was scared of you cuz of your threats! How could you say you liked and cared bout me. I know I was not nice but was never mean or violent to you! We never committed.”
You see? Now all of his behavior is based on being scared of me, and of my threats. However, I think I outlined pretty well that the behavior was first, and that the threats were a result of that. And what does committing to each other, have to do with being treated right?
I’m not suggesting that the way I’ve handled it all was “normal” or healthy by any means. On one website concerning this type of abusive relationship, they say “What was it about his behavior that caused me to act so crazy, off-balance, and how did I let it rob me of my self-esteem….Normal reactions to abnormal behavior.” And yes, that’s what he was driving me to, even now. As much as I’d try to defend myself, there would be more crazy making shit to have me wondering if it was me losing my mind. He goes on with it:
“ Anyone who can get revenge is not someone I can be with! Hate to see how you’d be if we loved! (again-it is now because I threatened him or threatened to get back at him, that he can’t be with me. However, the only thing I ever threatened him with was exposing this and how he treats me to other people. To him, that’s evil. To me, if you don’t want people thinking you are a piece of shit, then don’t act like one. What’s he so worried about, anyway? I accuse him of turning it around on me. “Not turning around! No excuse for way treated you! Never put blame on you. Nothing was planned, Yes I was wrong for trying to open to you. Anybody would of gotten same: Thanks for the b-day card.”
Now I get acknowledgment 4 weeks later.
“Except for hate for me, how are you?” (Changing the subject)
Me: Been better, thanks. Don’t change subject.
Me: And speaking of spite what kind of a person gets fake receipts to make it look like money is owed to you, fuck you, you are the revenge one
W: Fake receipts?
W:Never made receipts! Did say if I invoiced her for work me and couple buddies did at her house she would probably owe me.

And no, he never made receipts. He just THREATNED to.

Me: So wtf why did you do me like you did? All I did was care and want nothing but good for you and you fuck with my head.

W:Been wondering same thing? I do know wasn’t for anything particular. Wish didn’t happen.
Me: Seems to me that you were bitter than jen hurt you so you don’t want to pay her back. So you produce receipts to make it seem like she owes YOU money. Maybe she did use you but she gave you a shitload of money. You used me and never did shit for me.
W:I didn’t use you! Okay maybe you caring for me and wanting my cock I loved and now miss but other than that how did I use you?
W:wish I didn’t do what made you feel this way!
Me: Wish what didn’t happen? Think you can explain to me how you just blew me off as if I DID do evil to you? I fuckn cared and lust for you was real and you do me like you did.
W:L I’m sorry not cuz your gunna unleash your wrath upon me cuz I do care about you! Whatever you do please keep my kids out of it.
W:How can I make this pain and hate go away?
Me: You always blew me off. If you wanted me so much why would you always blow me off?
W:What do you want for us?
Me: How about an explanation why I am so lucky to know this side of you. I can outsmart you I know exactly what you would say to make me look like the psycho or that I deserve it cuz I’m capable of evil which is crap.
W:Not saying your psycho and definitely didn’t deserve. Every time my mind would ask my heart what to do I didn’t trust it. If you think stuff I said was all bs then why bother?

He is saying I’m psycho though. More than one occasion would he joke that way, that I was psycho, I was a stalker. When he finally revealed that “yeah, you are known as the psycho stalker,” I knew he had pre-emptive striked so everyone in his life, thought I was nuts. And when he gets to the withholding and the ignoring and I text like a freak, yeah, I look like the psycho stalker.
Me: What did I want? I just wanted us to be friends and for you to treat me like a friend if we fucked we fucked but I sure as shit don’t want to be treated like you did.
W:Wish I knew! You know I care about you
Me: No I don’t know that why would I? I get that you were hurt but you took it out on me. How can you not see that totally blowing me off is hurtful. You seem to push away good and only want bad. The nicer I am the shitter you are. Why?
W:Don’t know do know how it feels though.
Me: yeah it sucks. And you didn’t have to fuck with me you could’ve just been honest. All I wanted was to be friends is that so bad that I deserved what you did?
W:L you make it seems so bad. Not to justify or say wasn’t wrong but wtf! Other than following thru what was so cruel? My words were not to fuck w you. Where’s the abuse?
W:Friends? I was trying to pick up pieces of my heart cuz was feeling more for you? Didn’t you get that? Going to sleep now. Talk later k?
Shuts the conversation down, as usual, because he doesn’t want to hear it.

L you wont believe me but I didn’t try or intend to hurt you or fuck with your mind! First time was little scared of you then j clouded my thoughts. I didn’t know how to end with you. Asshole was easy way! I too don’t trust women cuz a few hurt me. Words thoughts feelings I told you were real! As much anger you have for me tenfold regret and sorry for what happened you didn’t deserve my fucked up way of handling you.
He says this over and over, yet never DOES anything different. But expects me to. I tried. I changed my approach more times than he’s changed his mind.
Me: Okay, so you weren’t ready. You couldn’t just talk to me? You had to blow me off? How could you fake all that lust?
W:Exactly!
W:I still fantasize about touching you!
And here we go again-he had to bring up J, so I had to remark.
Me: Well I think J sounds like an insecure bitch. My best friends have been married 10yrs great marriage both have a.d.d. so whatever you take out on me that she hurt you.
W:She used me for many things. I’m past her, the worst thing from her was you getting the me wanting her, then my hurt. Tired but now my cock is hard. Any suggestions?
Now trying to distract from the subject with sex.
W:Sorry but I haven’t been wanting anyone else
Me: So I’m supposed to believe you want me?
W:Believe what you want. If I say yes you think I’m fucking with you! If I say no then what this hard cock is fake?
Me: oh, your hard cock is for me?
W:If this is the one with that great ass in skirt

And I didn’t even justify that, as here he is, trying to use sex to manipulate me and to change the subject. I wasn’t relenting.
And he’d find a way to suck me back in. “What are your plans tomorrow night? I owe you a big hug and a couple orgasms.”
Me: Home sick. Got the flu.
W:I can give u a check up then give u a shot! But seriously would like to see you need to make good with you face to face.How bout you invite me over we talk bout this situation between us? You were wrong by saying I only want sex from u or think of u when horny.”
And it would go back and forth. And he’d never show.

More unkept promises. “Is 8 ish good 4 you? Promise to at least give you a hug. I hope you want it like I do. No bs.” More emotional leading on.

“Now that I think of it, even years are better for me! Most bad stuff odd ones. Married, job issues, divorce, jerk to you!”

Only now-he started to use my threat previously to try and control my behavior further, with texts like “Again you wont tell all, right?”
So what if I did? Got something to hide?

While continuing to emotionally lead me on. Like when he went on a snowmobiling trip to Michigan, and I’d get this “Me new sled next year. If we stay nice we will the two of us go next year k?”
And “I would love to have you feel beautiful and sexy 24 7!” And
“ I will try my hardest to make sure you will not regret letting me in again!”
And continued to make plans, inviting himself to see me, like
“What are your plans Monday afternoon? Will be out by you till 2.”
I’d say yes then I’d get the paranoia of “Are you fucking with me?”
“Touché. Even if you are I still want to make…..sorry, Monday it is.”
Do you think he showed?

But now tinged with the “fear” of me, so when he continued to blow me off, he could use my “threat” as the reason why .“Hope u aren’t fucking with me! My arms will be around you before 10! Goodnight.” Me? Fucking with him??
And continued to use other women in his life, to make me feel bad, insecure or that I had to measure up, by telling me things like “An old fuck buddy called me other day told me her hubby not up to par lately, so wants me to help out. These were always my way to have great sex with hotties that wanted just my sex. I told her that I can’t cuz I want somebody else’s’ sex. You know when you were fuckin someone, and pretended was another, but still wanted sex? I want you, another wont do. Didn’t need to tell ya that. Just want you to know that I have never been hornier than I am now, and I turned down a booty call with someone who I’ve fantasized about while fucking another! No one but you can satisfy this now.”

Am I supposed to be flattered by this? I’d say it makes him look like the ass-he’s the one sleeping with a married woman, and he’s the one having to fantasize about her when he’s with another-yeah, um, where’s that emotionally safe part? He elaborated further on her. “She wants two dudes. She brought a friend over once, her friend wanted to, she later told me she was worried her friend and I would date and she wouldn’t get my cock then. She doesn’t know her friend came back later. I didn’t fuck her she was pissed!”

In shocked response to all that I say “See that’s the kind of woman you like. Cheating and with no integrity. I am too nice for you.” He says “Didn’t say I liked her or respect her. How about breakfast? Need to get my sleds by you.” I guess for me, I’m just at a point in life that I can’t and won’t sleep with someone I don’t like or respect. But he would end up saying “It’s different for guys.” No, it really isn’t. A woman who can sleep with a man she doesn’t like or respect is called a prostitute. So he ought to get one of those, instead of messing with people’s marriages. If he has any “threats” to worry about, it’s some husband finding out and killing him.“I will come tomorrow what’s your schedule?” He continued to say. I will call you when close so you can brush your teeth! Ha!”

And…sigh….he didn’t show. This is the text I got as to why:
“Got called in to take a load call you later.” And he didn’t call.

Or I’d get a bit of an emotionally leading me on, followed by the reminder of other women:“Hope you got all anger out cuz I cant handle any more. Yeah its you who has my sexual desires it was even put to the test recently with someone I used to want.”

So. He is able to find time to see other women that he used to want. He tells me this, as he is continuing to blow me off. But I’m supposed to believe he’s different now. Then I’d hear something like this: “I don’t like the pain and anger my fucked up way of healing and dealing has caused you. Just know there were, and are some trying to get in. They got, and get nuttin you are in! I want to make sure I have all the pieces before I try to put puzzle together!”

So, there’s all these women who were and are trying to get into his life, but lucky me, I’m in the in one? Couldn’t tell.” And it just didn’t stop- “Its you I want my tongue to taste! Was out the other night with friends. They tried setting me up with this cute young chick, she was drunk horny and wanted me to drive her home- and all I could think bout was wanting you.” Constantly throwing in my face that there are other women he’s spending time with, but hey, he doesn’t want them, wants me.

Now, why would friends be trying to set him up with someone? I thought the whole issue was he needed to get his shit together. Cuz I’d get these kinds of texts:“Texts all out of order. Know what you want you need. I want same! I want to be the man who gives it to you! Don’t you see afraid of failure! There you got it out of me!” “I know we fit.”
“I need your trust in my words, you know you have my desire for sex. Oh well, so wanna see me sat? Let me prove to you no bs! Call you tomorrow.
Didn’t call, didn’t show.

I accused him of texting me when he was high only. I couldn’t comprehend using someone just for text sex, but that’s how I felt.

“To be honest my dick got hard over the thought that you, after all the bs, you still want it. It being what we both know exists between us. If I would of just realized and explained to you- hard to emotionally, and physically hard to with crazy busyness let it happen. You would be next to me right now! Hope you know my sexual passion that I have revealed to you was not to make you want me, or make you feel sexy it is what I feel and want for you, and from you. I do want you but need it to count! You know the bs between us is not as big an issue as how big issue of my lust for you is. How could you think was fake?”
I’d get vague explanations as to why he continued to do this to me:
“Got freaked over whole situation. And believe or not some of reluctance was my doubts of my ability to give us a fair shot. Think put too much thought in front of actions.”
And it just continued. He’d make promises or offers:“Should be done by 4. Can come over after if can shower by you otherwise home first.” I’d say yes.
“Perfect! Need sleep! I will call u with eta Actually I want to hug ya 4 giving me another chance!”
He wouldn’t show. A week later, “Hey you other night my phone went kaput kept saying insert sim card. Next couple weeks gunna be crazy n busy. Explain later. After that you, me, food drink and figure this out!” But said that only after I had told him, I had been out on a date. I started feeling like I had to also thrown other people in. Then back to the excuse of my threat: “You have been a bad girl! I know all the revenge and threats are bs cuz when your down on me I don’t want to be wondering if your gunna bite it off!”

Again, to make me feel like I am the one who has wronged HIM so much, and that I have to prove I’m not out to hurt HIM.But the expectation that I should just continue to forgive him, trust him, with no evidence supporting his sorry or change.
To more emotional leading me on and torment with J AGAIN, after I would try and soothe his psyche by telling him that I understand he’s been hurt.

“Thanx J wasn’t the only one to break me, actually I thought she could put heart back together. So yes lots of hurt, you deserve my better side you will see it. Even though I wanted her, she was a fuck buddy at best! She couldn’t find what you have in me. So how can I repay you for your pain I’ve caused?”

But while he would elude to the fact that he is still trying to pick up the pieces of his heart, he’d also contradict that with “Na totally over her. If you give me the chance we can have the sex we want with each other! Don’t want anyone still but you! Tired now. You still home? If you want I can come over bout 9pm after working on snowmobiles. Be by you. I promise to at least give you one orgasm!” Maybe I could give you that hug tonight ill be by you.”
Would never show.

Back to questioning me:“Goodnight. I will if for nothing else, give you that hug! Please, I’ve been shitty to you, so even if there is any hate or evil plot let me first show you all this is real! You will not regret!”

AND HE NEVER SHOWED. And, he points out correctly, that he’s been shitty to me. So if he’s aware of that, why does he CONTINUE that?
“Promise no bs. Your threats worry me a little!”

What “threats?” I threatened to put a video online. That was my THREAT. And I said it, to get him to watch it. Was it controlling, was it doing the same thing he did to me? YES. But unfortunately, seemed the only way to get through to him. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but he doesn’t get that through his control, he is not allowing me to get what I need. My feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, desires, anything that I felt I needed went ignored and unheard, the only way to get this man to see anything but himself, was to force it. His own medicine right back at him. But he just wanted me to adhere to this timetable and schedule called W’s NEEDS, and completely agree with him that he comes first.

Would keep mentioning other women-now back to the married one he claims he ended it with-“Touché I know need spell-check! Married one wants 3way with her hubby n me. Done with her! He’s crazy! You suck now I’m horny for you! Fuck Lisa don’t give up on me.”
I’m sorry-HE’s crazy???? Yeah, I might be nuts with this shit, but I’m not the one cheating on my husband, wanting my lover to join us, and yet, the HUSBAND is CRAZY?? Only W and the married one are the sane ones then, right?“What’s your schedule next couple nights?”Why ask. He’d never show. And he didn’t.

I actually ran into him at Walgreen’s . I was getting cigarettes there, as they are cheap. I was shocked to see him. Gives me two big hugs. I finally was getting the hugs he was supposed to come give me over and over. Asked him what he was doing in the area, he evades just says passing through. He’s in the greeting card section, looking for a housewarming card. Apparently does have some sense of social structure. Says to me “What are you doing tonight? I’m going to a bar. I’ll call you.” I rolled my eyes, he said “No okay, if you haven’t heard from me by 9pm, then you call me.” Whatever. Of course I didn’t hear from him by 9pm. And I texted him close to 10 and told him I was staying in reading a book, and eating ice cream. Which to me was a greater alternative than being out with him, because I knew, he never meant it anyway.

At 2am, I get this:“What you reading? Stalkers? Ha! I have a shadow, idea who and why. Glad to hug ya! Yeah my dick hard was hard before out door! Looked for ya on the way out to show you, what are you driving?”

So here he is, basically telling me that someone is following him, and he’s trying to find out what kind of car I drive. Are you kidding me? And he should’ve paid attention to my car, when he walked me to it at his sisters, if he’s so paranoid. I said as much. And told him I was driving a totally different car than I do. Fuck him. I told him to call me on my house phone, if he thought I was following him, and gave him the number.“No I think I know who and why. Id be good pi! Joking about it being you! With gas prices you be broke! Besides, you can just ask instead of stalk.”

Oh, I can? That’s hysterical. Yeah, I CAN ask-doesn’t mean he will respond, reply, answer, or even tell the truth. And again, more ways to get me to believe that he really thinks that I am a psycho stalker, and no doubt, he probably thinks that I was following him when I ran into him at the store. Please. I’m in there everyday. They all know me at that Walgreens.“L not thinking you!” So I replied “wtf paranoid, who would possibly be after you?”“Not after. Same cars, faces seen when got nephew from jail.”
That was another excuse for blowing me off-his nephew went to jail for weed, he had to bail him out. Now he’s saying that at 2am, he thinks the same people he saw outside the jail are now following him. I told him to try and sleep the shit off, goodnight. Now he was in a cocaine psychosis, Jesus Christ.


He had told me “For what’s its worth I wanted and tried to care. If you think I could just be shitty to be shitty then why bother? Something not there. But as always you cant just let it be How many more ways can you twist it? I want you to stop please. I wont read any more texts cuz I know your pattern. Goodbye L.”

Once again-my anger was the problem. “There she is. L sorry for this.” And “Then why want me? They way you get like now has been why I cant be what you want no more please.”
But then the next day, he did call me, and admitted that when he read the text back, he thought “Wow, I AM a dick”, and he apologized, and said that we should stop texting all the time, because we were fine in person, the texts were fucking us up.
He did call me to say hi, and then went on to say that “You know L part of the problem is that I just don’t want to drive a half hour only to be there for 20 minutes.”

I was once again hurt and taken aback by that, because all the texts were about wanting to see me and be with me for hours and hours on end, and then I get something like that, like I’m just some whore-and remember his comment to me a few years back of being a slut. So I’d react and say no more of this, and then I’d get sucked back in. Usually when I would end up apologizing for my anger. Which now I’m not sure why I ever did. He made such a production about my anger, acting as if it was the most wounding and painful thing ever-he simply stripped me of my ability to ever express anger without throwing it back in my face as then being the reason that he was doing all that he was doing. But then he’d tell me things later like “I just said that to piss you off”, the having fuck buds comment, to which I’d say “Why do you want to piss me off? Then you are pissed, that I am pissed”, to which he replies I wasn’t suppose to figure that out.
Crazy-making shit, for sure.
We would make up, and I’d be back to trying to convince him that I wasn’t out for him. I tried to re-build his self esteem, because I really thought that was the root of all the problems. I still showed concern for his coke use. I would text and I would tell him the GOOD that I saw, and sometimes, he’d respond, like this time when he said “I am glad thru all the bs you have seen bits of who I am under normality. Too many people and situations, sometimes self induced, have made it hard to be the man I am inside. Have only cared about being #1 to my kids forgot I am more than just a great dad. I once said you don’t really know me cuz I only gave you black and white, but you even though I tried to hide see my colors. Thanks for reminding me I am in Technicolor!”

Yeah, but now we are back to the constant stream of me not having a clue, I don’t know what I am talking about, I don’t know him, I think I know him but I don’t. This is what I am told whenever he feels confronted on what he’s doing to me. And it was always MY pattern he’d throw up in my face: “L believe or not, I miss what we haven’t but know can be. And your up down hate love blame apologies hasn’t changed what I feel for you. Makes it hard to let it happen, adds to my confusion and stress about everything. Sleepy ttl and don’t think I try or want to hurt you.”

So again, it’s my pattern of behavior that confuses and stresses HIM out. But I’m not the one not showing up, making promises I don’t keep, throwing other people into conversations, lying, manipulating to make him doubt himself towards my wrong behavior. I’m not the one who ignores funny texts, friendly hellos, or gifts that are sent. I’m not the one who can’t acknowledge good actions, compliment and let him know what good I DO see, why I even bother at all. The cycle of abuse that HE created, and I fed into. He would say it again “Please don’t do what you did before. The mad sorry hate bs! The reason I suck is cuz of couple women taking bits of me. The only thing I was testing you this time was your patience and to make sure you wanted me for more.”

C’mon. Here we go with testing me again, and here we go with I have something to prove. Test my patience? The hell for? Make sure I wanted him for more?
But then once in awhile, I’d get a totally different man, that sucked me back into believing that he really was good, and that me seeing past these walls wasn’t my wishful thinking. “L, I know what you meant. Believe it or not, I feel the same. My big ass ego that you have gotten to know and love is all smoke and mirrors. Created after my confidence and trust in myself was broke down by a few women who took my love, loved me then left. You met me when I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I am sorry for that.
What scared me then and now was I want you to know me. Was so used to hiding it came easy.”

And “Seriously I want to see you and apologize with a hug sounds corny but I remember how last one made you feel! So if I show you good me will your pain go away or just get covered up till normal bs happens?
When you back to work? I want to talk bout couple things bothering me face to face!”

But these moments never came. He didn’t see me to apologize with a hug, though there were quite a few offers for that. He didn’t show me good him, and he never talked to me about anything bothering him. But then he’d say, it DIDN’T bother him.”Funny but you saying I’m like that jerk in the movie after watching clips and remembering how he was, actually sucks! Most of your blabble about me never scratched my ass cuz mostly exaggerated, and your frustration. But that guy’s a dick and I’m not!”

Oh, so now my feelings and thoughts, the energy and effort, the anger pain and frustration, the hurt and resentment, from the past and now-is just “blabble that never scratched his ass”, and is “exaggerated.” The only part he got right was my frustration. And contrary to his belief undoubtedly, not sexual frustration. But mental and emotional.
And once again, I’d try and tell him how I felt. And it wasn’t just me ripping on him, oftentimes, I was very open and honest and OWNING any of MY shit, and I’d get “L your long text for some reason don’t come thru. Stop I get it, you think I’m a piece of shit. Sorry you feel that way, I’m not, don’t know why I was to you, but done trying to figure out and done listening to you find more ways to say it.”

I continued to wonder if he was just sexing me up and telling me things I wanted to hear, while he was coked up, especially when he’d say things like“I punished myself last night to avoid my slow climb out my hole.” Or “One more thing you good with monkeys? And I said, “I don’t know, what’s her name?” jokingly and he said “The one on my back.”
I’d ask him to elaborate and he said forget it talk later, and then in later texts “see my passion not a side effect! Goodnight.”
And I knew that it was the coke that was still a problem. Because after making a promise to come see me the next day again, the next day I would get “ Hey sorry to give in other night. Part of the problem with the recent bullshit that doesn’t involve you is still wearing on me. Until I can be where I want, I am crazy to start figuring us out. Wont let sex be our only thing. So do what you need and when and if I come to my senses then we’ll see.”

I DIDN’T react shitty, or like a psycho stalker to that, In fact, I responded “Ok. Thanks for being honest and kind about it. Hope whatever it is troubling you works itself out. Don’t forget bout me let me know how you are from time to time.” “Of course I will.” And I continued with “Sorry for all my bs too. But its been hard waiting and holding out for you. Been almost a year, an I’ve really only seen you once. Its been confusing and you have shut me out so much-then I react. Seems like we kill it a little each time and that hurts most cuz it seemed to really have potential-you just weren’t there. I don’t hate you only feel sad and I cant pretend to understand cuz I don’t, but I want you happy and healthy. Luv u ya turd. Big hug and kiss, take care.”

The majority of the time-THAT is how I treated him. Five days later,
he invited me over to B. I went. To TALK. He wanted to talk, here was my chance to get some explanation-finally, after a year of waiting for one. And while I was there, he basically said it was the coke, though he was still saying that it wasn’t the big problem, he maintained. He mimicked what I had said to him in a letter to him when I told him that I thought he needed help. That his kids were getting older, that he was worried about his health. Somebody told him that they thought maybe the coke was his main problem, but he still seemed to not think so. But his addiction is to the point that if he even receives a text from someone he parties with, his body reacts and he gets the shits. The anticipation of just using it, physiologically causes him to react, and that is a hallmark of addiction. I even asked him if I triggered a craving, since he uses it when he’s with me, and I suspected, when he’s texting me. He didn’t seem to be high this night, though when we were kissing, still no response from his body. Then I asked him if he was high, and he said yes, and I playfully smacked him in the head and said “Why, when you know this happens, that’s reason enough right there to quit.” But he was uncharacteristically subdued, seemed tired, lagging and stressed out, quiet, really. Just drained-so I don’t think he was high. Just told me that so I’d get the impotence. With him, it’s a constant state of confusion and mis-trust, because what he says, and what I see in him and out of him always seem to contradict. Again, he mentioned his father. Relayed the story about a car that he had been promised, that his dad made no good on. He had told me that story before, which is how I knew that he had a car he was giving to his son. And I couldn’t understand, that if he knew the disappointment and hurt of someone not following through on their actions, how he could do it to others. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, a friend, a co-worker, a lover-a man is as good as his word, and you can’t build trust by dishonoring it all the time. And he should know how it feels. But if I point out things like that, then I am analyzing and I am clueless.

He then went on to say that once again, he was worried about my reactions. He had already told me that he wondered if he put both feet in, and got involved, and I got hurt, what I would or could do to him. He then continued this train of thought by telling me that I had the smarts to do something to him, and he didn’t want to piss me off. Well then, don’t. It’s not like we are fighting about who left the door open when the heat is on, or who didn’t take out the garbage, or who ran up the credit card.

So then I wondered how it was, that he could then become threatening to me. Like he had. One time he had texted me “Oh by the way, when I got my phone back other day, was able to retrieve pics and messages when I swapped Sims. Just promise me no more angry text!” Sounded to me, like a veiled threat. Because he had quite a few erotic pics of me.

And then I’d get teased again. He wrote “Had a hard time focusing at work. Tried to put all together. I get why you have come to your opinion of me, since you seemed to see thru my flawed defensive asinine ways I forgot how to be me with you. Whatever I did or didn’t do to you was not my intent. So used to being shit on, I never gave you chance sorry for that! I’m not the person you described, I do hide behind him though. I want to have face to face- not for forgiveness but to put to rest our love hate, hate more thing. No bs, no promises, just q and a. Want you to know why cuz your wrong about a lot. Lets lock ourselves in a room and I will tell all. you pick time and place. Jacuzzi and room service ha. Think over let me know going to sleep now working early. Serious, only want to give you the explanation you deserve. Not to change or manipulate your opinion, but to set couple things straight. Then you can at least have the facts right when you publish your next book. Bring tape recorder for explanation and plenty of lube! Sorry still turned on by you too late probably. shit L I’m sorry. Sunday good. Before we talk fuck me so I wont be distracted by my cock!
I foolishly agreed. After all, he was “dangling” what I had always wanted, practically BEGGED for. “K call you Sunday.” Guess what I got Sunday?

“Given this much thought think best if we just leave it be for a while. No matter what I have or will say can change what’s been done. So if we want this to be rite lets see what time will do.” Did I freak? Of course I did. That’s what he wanted. I know. You’re wondering why the fuck I’d put up with this, what is wrong with me? I wondered the same damn thing. Believe me, I did. I’d tell him so. And I’d get accused of putting everything into every context but what he actually meant.
“ Never meant to hurt you even first round. This time I welcomed your like in me. Made me think I was wrong about you. We play what is dealt and I marked your deck before so you can’t win. Now I want you to hold cards. You have been wrong lately about me. I asked you not to get like this!”
So, I am angry at his CURRENT treatment of me, and he asked me not to get like that. To try and figure things out. And that “Made me think I was wrong about you”-how did this ever get twisted to where he is making it appear that I terrorized him and fucked him over the last time, and that he was trying to forgive ME? And its only looking back in retrospect, that I see how controlling that was, too. But again we’d somehow make up. And it never changed, this karmic nightmare loop of relating.If it wasn’t my threats, it was my analysis:
“Wont forget just want to remember good hard with all your analysis. So let go so you too can forget all my bs.”
And back to promises to come talk to me to work all this bullshit out:
“Ok I want to see you so we can clear the air! What’s your schedule like rest of the week?”“Sorry lets talk and see if we can figure out. Bedtime so let me know call me in morning when you get off.” It wouldn’t happen because I would get this type of excuse:“Hey u feel like shit been napping since home from work call you tomorrow?”
Wouldn’t call. Never happened.

I tried helping him with the impotence. Talked to doctors, a urologist, wanted to see if he was on the right combo of meds, if there was something he could take. I urged him to stop the coke, change his diet, lose the weight, take supplements-I even sent him some. I tried to tell him that there is a link between the way he has fucked up his dopamine levels in his brain, and his moods/behavior/and sexual performance.
He wouldn’t respond or acknowledge. Or then he’d be mad, that I’m mad.“Man now I’m mad! I love having you care bout more than my cock! I’m excited that you want me at your house, and I like how we turn each other on! But why do you destroy it? Maybe right about me not ready, don’t like the pain love has brought me.”

Why do I destroy it? Yeah, I’m doing that all by myself.

“Gunna say once, no more bs. I want your sex, my plate is clean and I wont play you. If works great, if not, then I want us to be okay with an end. Cuz want this lust to be worth it. And if you want to keep me for yourself fine. None of your bitches could compare.” The next night “L, I am sorry. I go back and forth over you and I don’t want to hurt you but I don’t think I can do this. Please don’t try to figure out just let it be. I will never forget how you turn me on and how you care about me but something not right. Please let go this time if I figure out I will let you know. I’m asking please let go.” Shocked, because this was literally hours later, I’d ask “Ok. I don’t understand. What did I do?? And get “Nothing you did or didn’t do. I am sorry.”

We’d get past that, and then more excuses for him not showing would pour in, like “Bad couple days, been arguing with ex, boss a dick yesterday, got a ticket today, and to top all off cell phone went thru wash. And really wanted to feel your sexy body but silly me forgot till too late. Will have time next week.”

So, because I get angry, I react and freak out-that’s why he can’t be what I want.
Yeah I’m going nuts. And I know you are asking then why didn’t you just stop it then, cut off all contact for good? Why go back for more, or why let him back in?
I don’t know. Ask the woman that stays with a man that beats her, the same question. Same thing, really. And continued to blame me for it:
“FYI I lost sleep over you cuz I couldn’t decide if I went in with both feet, and then after having a relationship with you and it didn’t work how much you would hurt and what you would could do to me. You want to know the one thing that I couldn’t forget? when you threatened to tell about my flaws oh and also internet bashing that you could even think that kind of hate. Sorry that was what tipped the scales. Going to sleep no more please.”

This is sort of like the guy who abuses a woman and then threatens to kill her if she tells. If he had nothing to worry about, nothing to hide-flaws? This isn’t a list of FLAWS. Flaws are things like “Always late. Spends money recklessly. Snorts when they laugh.” Mental abuse and cocaine addiction is not a flaw. It’s a serious problem. A threat is something people usually perceive as intimidation with danger. Bodily harm. Damaged property. Ruined marriages. Things of that nature. The threat to expose his treatment of me, was just that-to expose his treatment of me, and of his very obvious drug problem.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am not out to ruin his life, harm his kids. On the same token, his continued use of cocaine is harming his kids, his continued abuse of women is harming them. He needs help, for me not to say something is as bad as sitting back knowing it and NOT doing anything.

Like a battered woman, I wanted to believe that if he just stopped the coke, he’d be okay. And maybe he would. Maybe this is all stemming from his unresolved issues that coke covers up. I wanted to believe, that if he trusted women again, he’d stop. I wanted to believe, that if he just tried to get to know me, he’d know my character. I wanted to believe, that he’d be convinced I really did care about him, so I went overboard in trying to please him. While he was abusing me-I sat there and worried about him. And he twists it all to make me look like some deranged fatal attraction obsessed in love freak. Obssessed? Maybe. With getting the answers I deserve, to break down this control he has had of me. Its called “Ambient” abuse, you’d know that this is the motive of abusive men. I learned this from the book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the mind’s of angry and controlling men.” The more I tried, the worst he got. The more I stood up for myself, the worst it got. And he still would try and make me feel bad, with comments concerning other women, with comments like “But can’t find a girlfriend who will let me make love to you and want you when fucking her.”


Which would confuse me because that night at Bs, it was him telling me to basically be patient-that he would make this up to me, and that we will both have what we want, when he gets his shit together, and he wasn’t talking about sex. The context of that moment was discussing relationships, because this was when he was saying his reluctance was my anger. Keeping me waiting, keeping me confused, keeping me worried about him, and keeping me worried about proving myself to him, was how he controlled me.

So around this past xmas, he had texted me to say that we needed to talk soon. I said okay, but didn’t follow through with it. Didn’t really care anymore. I did psychologically what I needed to do for myself. I let it go. I had sent him an xmas card, wished him well, gave him 25 bucks to find a present-suggested that he buy the supplement that could help ease the coke withdrawal- and was never going to text him again. If he texted me, I planned, I would just be busy. I was going to get out of it by being nice, and letting him be the one to let me go, fine, he can dump me, I just want out of this.

He sensed it, because a couple weeks later, he shows up at my door. Not unannounced, he did call first. I told him I wouldn’t agree to seeing him, that all I would say is that I would be home, if he showed up, I’d answer, but I wasn’t going to wait for him to come by. I didn’t have plans anyway, but I wasn’t going to be sucked into that again. I didn’t believe that he’d show up, except that he did call, so I thought it could be possible. And he did. Gives me a hug, tells me that “I’m not ignoring you! Okay, I am.” I said “Yeah, why?” He said “Because I’m still trying to get my shit together.” Whatever that really even means anymore. Said he stopped by just to say hi, not to have sex with me, but leads me into my room. Fine, we wont have sex. But its hard to resist him when I see him. All these confusing feelings and shock and disbelief, after so many promises to come by-its like the little bone he throws me once every 6 months. He says “its better that way”, to only see him like 4 times a year.
So we are kissing and snuggling he says “Its been a long time since we’ve just laid in bed.” He told me “I’ve been thinking, and I’m afraid to fuck you.” I said “Why?” He said “Because I’m afraid I won’t want to stop, I’d want to fuck you forever.” I looked at him and said “Why would you have to stop?” and he didn’t answer but just gave me a look like I am crazy to ask that. But I didn’t understand. If his intention was to get his shit together and someday give this a real shot-then why the fear? It just seemed like more head games to me. I didn’t even try to fuck him. I was enjoying him, and I wanted to despite all of this shit, the chemistry that strong-but he was still struggling with a hard on anyway. He said he didn’t want to sleep with me, because he didn’t want me to be laying around in my bed feeling like that’s the only reason he came over.
Oh, so we are trying to prove to me that he’s not using me just for sex? I thought we were past that, and now the issue was, he never showed up to give me the sex he teased and tormented me with via text. So I said, what, did you just come over here to tease me then? Then he kept saying that he’d be back over tomorrow night to sleep with me. He’d bring his overnight bag, and he’d spend the night. I looked at him, straight in his eyes, and I said, “Do you promise?” And he looked right into my eyes and said “I promise.” I immediately took my finger, put it over his mouth and said “Shhh. Think carefully before you say that.”

He had just gotten done saying a few minutes prior that he knew he was on thin ice with me. And that’s how it was left. He was going to be back tomorrow. He left, and wasn’t over very long-maybe an hour, and didn’t seem to want to stick around to just talk to me-and then texted me when he got home to say “It was great seeing you, goodnight!”

You know, I figured he wouldn’t be back, because it was intimate. What I didn’t expect, was a text at 4pm the next day, telling me “Call you later, need to work on sleds.”And that no call would come. No text came. Nothing. He had made me a promise-while looking in my eyes this time-not through text, not even on the phone, but looking right at me-laying in my bed-in my home-and nothing.
And nothing the next day.
Or the day after that.

I got drunk. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think I said something to the effect of going and finally getting laid by someone. And he says ‘I didn’t want to tell you this but you are the only one I am impotent with, you’re the problem, bye!”

And he ignored me SEVERAL times. Ignored my voicemail I left. One. Singular. I tried helping him with his impotency, so many times I was understanding of his health problems, and encouraged him to do the right things, and now, after all this sexual leading me on and teasing me-now I’m the reason he’s this way.

And of course, the texts that I write, ignored, and I finally get this:“Not an excuse but my attention has been on my sis, her ex trying to change divorce decree, big mess, and your last four or five text got erased. Honestly don’t know what to say anymore. Cant explain, but your wrong thinking never cared or all just bs. Your words and who you think I am though mostly wrong, hurt. I’m sorry but want an end take care.”

Not an excuse. Except there is always an excuse. Doesn’t know what to say. Never knows why. Can’t figure out. Again, my texts got erased. Again, I am wrong. Again, who I think he is, is wrong. And now, he wants an end. Again, via text. Never sitting me down and facing me, treating me with respect, dignity or recognition. You know all I ever wanted was a “normal” breakup.

And again, he got me to react. I sent him the stuff that is supposed to raise dopamine levels-that cocaine depletes, especially over years of abuse-that leads to impotence. I had spent hours pouring over the internet to find natural ways that wouldn’t contradict his meds, to help him. I thought a lot of this problem was him being embarrassed, frustrated, shameful and that it had to be fucking him up to have this impotency

And then I found the list of sociopath traits
.
And he wouldn’t talk to me. Just like in the past. He told me that I was way too angry, and he knew from past experiences with his ex and others, that being this angry was not productive. He wouldn’t hear me out until I calmed down. So I tried, and I was sarcastic and said Ok what if I use my indoor voice then? And then he got pissed that I was patronizing him. Said that I was freaking out whenever I don’t get what I want. The hell? I NEVER get what I want with this guy, EVER. He said he’d be more than willing to hear me out, but lets just do it tomorrow, when things were calm. Oh, and he kept hanging up on me. I kept calling back. I told him he was being controlling, and he said “I’m trying to work on that” and then he’d hang up on me. ???? Hanging up is controlling!

He told me he wasn’t hearing anything new, come up with something new and he’d listen, that I haven’t’ always been the nicest person, blah blah. I just started tuning him out. The next day, I was more sober-I had taken to drinking my way through this and as usual, it wasn’t helping my life-and I decided that I WOULD share the email that I got. Hey, he wanted something new. And I called, after I sent the text telling him to read his email, to make sure he got that message. He answered, said he was in the middle of reading it now. Said “Do you think I want to be this guy to you? Okay I have been this guy to you, but do you think I want to be? I will call you back in an hour, okay?”
And he texted back in an hour saying he had to do some stuff and he’d get back to me in another hour, or two. And then in two he texted me to say “Wow, this is hard, because I gave nothing for you to think any different of me. So trying to defend is pointless and saying we acted like we did, do because of each other is not right. All I know is hurting you wasn’t plan. I need to think before I blurt out more nonsense, talk soon!”
I would not be put off any longer. Wasn’t going to go thru what he did to me last time. I wasn’t going to wait any further. I’d get my answers one way or another.
He kept ignoring me.
I was now the psycho stalker he wanted me to be, sending text after text, asking why? I wanted to hear it from him. He told me L stop! You think you know me you have no clue who I am other than the bs I showed you! Yeah I wasn’t right with you, grow up and write it off, as we all have to do with some relationships. This wasn’t even that. Oh and if you can’t let go, and need to lash out, then you need to analyze yourself. I’m done listening please leave me alone I beg you!”
That’s how he treats someone that he knows doesn’t “deserve” it.
Then the defensivness:
“How can you say all the shit about someone and threaten not just once and expect them to want to talk to you? L I am done do what you feel you need to do but it wont change anything goodbye.”
Again, its back to my threatening. Never mind the threatening he has done to me-going all the way back to the picture card. When I mention that I’ve got it written down in my journals, I’m really not crazy, I’m told “That’s pretty fucked up I hope you journal this leave me alone!”
“You have no clue stop texting me please just gunna erase I’ve asked you several times now to leave me alone not healthy for either one of us! But seriously you are wrong bout a lot so just stop!”
So he wins, I look like the out of control psycho stalker.

This back and forth went on and on for awhile-until it finally ended when I ended it, and it didn’t end pretty, it ended totally ugly, but at least I knew, he wouldn’t be back, and neither would I. All told-this was my experience with psychological abuse. I’m sure I’ve left a great deal out-no matter-there was too much that I shouldn’t have even been there for as it was.

You can see the ultimate ending in some of my other blog postings. How I found the Order of Protection and it was he that was a stalker, a harrasser and an intimidator. It wasn’t just me. Of course he hates me now for that, for going to his ex-and most likely, for blogging about it. Oh well.