Confrontation

Is not something these guys handle well. I finally could take no more, as the cracks in my denial were breaking down. Everything on the list is something that at one point or another, I had tried discussing with him.

Why would he make promises, and within 24 hours, break them? Why would he make plans with me, and then some "excuse", usually bullshit, would arise and subsequently, he'd end up breaking plans? Why would he say he'd be calling, coming over or seeing me, and blow me off? Why would he not answer me, if I called? Why would text be ignored? Why when I did something for him, he wouldn't acknowledge it, or thank me? And that's the short list.

And why, when I would try to discuss it, would he stonewall me, get defensive or somehow blame me? When I found the list, I felt somewhat vindicated. Here was a social worker who for 25 years had studied the personality disordered, and now not only were his behaviors listed in black and white-but even given a label. I don't know about you, but if someone showed me a list of my wrongdoing and labeled it "sociopath"-I'd want to clear the air real quick if I wasn't.

I emailed him the list. I don't recall how we ended up on the phone-if he called me after receiving it, or I contacted him to see if he had-but we ended up on the phone where I was pretty much on fire. I demanded that he talk to me about this. I was pretty freaked out-basically saying "What, are you really a sociopath? Look at this. How can you deny this?" He went on to say that he wouldn't talk to me right now, because I was "too angry." He said that from prior experience with his ex-wife and others, that talking right now while I was so upset was just going to lead to bigger fights and that "we will just end up hating each other more." He remained calm and continued to say that he DID want to talk about it with me, just NOT RIGHT NOW.

I managed to calm down enough to say "Ok, I won't yell. I will remain calm. But I want to discuss this now." He got angry and told me to not "patronize him." He absolutely refused to discuss this with me, and as you see, blamed my anger and upset as to why. I simply wasnt calm enough. He started to get loud and said "I am not that bad. Wait, okay, I have been this guy to you. Do you think I WANT to be this guy to you? I don't know why I am. I've been worse to you than I have anyone else, and I don't know why. When I figure it out, I'll let you know." He then texted me and said "Man, this is hard, because I never showed you any good side of me. I need to think about this because I just seem to screw things up more, whenever I open my mouth"-or something to that effect. Said "I have something to do, but I will call you in an hour."

An hour later, he TEXTS me again, with another excuse, with him needing time to think things over and to figure out a way to explain. Basically did everything he could to avoid, evade and blow off all I was saying. There seemed to be some admission that he did many of the things on the list-but with the explanation of "I don't know why." There wasn't an "Im sorry." There wasn't a shock or seemingly being appalled like "OMG, I can't believe this, a sociopath? No no that's not true, let's get together and really talk this out, it really bothers me that you think this, yes, I've been a jerk, but blah blah...." In fact, even in the FACE of his behaviors....he CONTINUED to do what he always had done. Controlled the argument, wouldn't talk to me when I NEEDED to, blamed my reactions and my anger for why, said he'd do something and didn't do it, avoided, skirted and just didn't seem to care. Even went so far as to blame it on some alter ego, as opposed to taking any real responsibility for it......was defensive and certainly showed no sense of remorse or upset that it had reached this point.

Believe it or not.....this was not the end with us, either. He really got me convinced that it would be better to discuss it when cooler heads prevailed. Again, he had me feeling as if I was over-reacting. I just found a list of traits of a friggin' SOCIOPATH-and he fit them ALL-yet, I'm OVER REACTING. Like I said, if someone was saying I was a sociopath.....Id be a lot more concerned than he ever showed. All the talk of "I really care about what you think of me" seemed to fly out the window, when I seemed to think he was a sociopath.

Even with that-I still wasn't convinced at the time. Amazing, isn't it?

This list could change your life

The crack in my denial came when surfing the web one night, and I stumbled across this article. After reading it, my head was spinning. I saved it to my computer.

For about 6 months, it sat in my documents folder. Yet I knew the first time I read it….that it described the man I was with. I was not ready yet to concede to that. I didn’t want to face that he fit about all but 2 of these traits….and only because I didn’t know how he was as a youngster.

After finding this, things were never the same. I set out to more or less disprove that this was him. I began searching the internet for alternative causes for why he so fit this profile of sociopath disorder. It wasn’t for many months until I finally read it again….and confronted him with it. I’ll tell you how that went. For now, see if your man fit this list. It may shock you, and you may not be ready for it. In retrospect though…I thank God I found it.

Psychopathy/Sociopathy Character Disorder:

by J. Kent Griffiths, DSW

This is a list of the traits of people with sociopath character disorders. We should work on overcoming these attributes and avoid people who possess many of them.



1. Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age appropriate.

2. Self-centeredness. He comes first and foremost. Is insincere about real interest in other people.

3. Little if any remorse for mistakes.

4. Poor judgment.

5. Unreliability, undependability, irresponsibility.

6. Inability to profit from experience - does not learn a lesson from making mistakes.

7. Inability to postpose immediate gratification - what he wants, he wants now. Impulsive and demanding.

8. Conflict with, or defiance of, authority

9. Lack of appreciation for the consequences of his actions.

10. Tendency to project his own shortcomings on to the world about him - frequent blaming. Never at fault.

11. Little if any conscience.

12. Behavior develops little sense of direction - often uninfluenced by concepts of right and wrong.

13. Gives lip service to professed values and beliefs.

14. Often involved with illegal or unethical acts.

15. Shallow interpersonal skills - inability to experience and verbalize deep feelings and emotions. Often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Cannot identify with how others feel.

16. Ability to put up a good ‘front' to impress and exploit others.

17. Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.

18. Can ‘con' to get what he wants to meet his needs, often at the expense of others. The behavior is highly repetitious and many people are used.

19. Sees others as pawns on the chess board. Maneuvers people around for his own purposes. When done with them, they are ‘checkmated' or rejected.

20. Ready rationalization - rarely at a loss for words - twists conversation to divorce himself from responsibility. When he is trapped, he just keeps talking or changes the subject, or gets angry.

21. Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalities to any person, group, or code.

22. Chronic lying.

23. Does/did poorly in school with attendance, grades, attitudes, and relationships with teachers. Was in conflict with parents over school performance.

24. ‘ Chip on shoulder' attitude - cocky and arrogant.

25. Rebellious to parents authority. Violates standards of the home frequently.

26. Cancels commitments without sound reason or warning.

27. Uses friends for money, transportation, favors, time, attention, etc.

28. A taker - not a giver. Gives for show but expects something in return.

29. Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen - but short lived. Gives you hope he's changing, but returns soon to deviant behavior.

30. Lives life of avoiding responsibility vs. Getting the job done.

31. Poor self-motivation - often described as lazy and listless. Lacks ambition. Not helpful with routine chores.

32. Fun is the cornerstone of his life.

33. Sexually curious or active. Places great importance on his sexual abilities. Female sexual partner often feels used and demanded of.

34. Lacks well-defined values.

35. Comes across initially as caring and understanding and reads others ‘like a book' because he makes his business knowing how to maneuver people.

36. In a trust relationship, inevitably betrays and violates the commitments and gets blocked emotionally when gets too close to those he says he loves.

37. Angry mood most of the time.

38. Uses sex to control, cover his insecurity or make up after a fight.

39. Has no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions.Conversation goes per his direction. He has the last word always. He determines how, when,where we talk, and about what he wants to talk about.

40. Can show real tenderness of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more) vastly different sides to his personality are seen.

41. Poor planner with time and activity.

42. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

43. Excessively concerned with personal appearance, eg, hair, weight, car he drives, clothes, having money to flash, career dreaming.

44. Seems to enjoy disturbing others. Likes to agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.

45. Feels entitled to the ‘good life' without working for it.

46. He never seems to get enough of what he wants. He leaves others drained and confused.

47. Others get upset when in his presence. There's a feeling of guardedness, caution, and suspicion that he creates in others.

48. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

49. Poor work history - quitting, being fired, interpersonal conflicts.

50. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations. Does not pay the bills in a responsible and timely way.

51. Unable to sustain a totally faithful relationship with loved one of the opposite sex. Flirtatous, overly friendly. Make inappropriate sexual comments to/about other women.

52. Seldom expresses appreciation. Again, is thinking of his needs vs.needs of others.


53.. Clueless as to how he comes across to others and to how he is viewed.Gets defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere but soon repeats offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from it.

55. Motive for behavior is usually self-serving and he does not recognize it.

56. Can get very emotional, even tearful, but behavior is more about show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.

57. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.


58. Sabotages anything that makes his spouse/girlfriend happy. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few/no outside interests/friends/family.


59.. He is always working somebody over - either subtly or aggressively for a favor, deal, break, freebie, discount, etc.

60.. Double standard. He is free to do his thing, but expects others to be what he wants them To be/do. He doesn't let others be themselves.

61. Convincing. Successful at getting other people to believe in his perception of a problem. Is adamant that people side with him vs. Allow them to feel/believe differently.

62. Hides who he really is from everyone. No one really knows the real him.

63. Scorns everyone/everything that he disagrees with. Does not allow for differences to be respected. Scorns the responsible world.

64. Difficult to pin him down to a certain level of integrity that you can live with. Resists all efforts to define his values, behaviors, standards.

65. Kind to you usually only if he's getting from you what he wants.

66. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.

67. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.

68. He does not discuss openly before hand. You get to deal with "after the fact" information.

69. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself and others.

70. You end up feeling responsible for the problem. He gets to your feelings. No matter what, he wins, you lose.

71. He wins at the expense of your feelings. Thinks only of the end result without considering your feelings, needs in the process.

72. Attitude of "I"ll meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don't, I'll find someone else who will or I will not meets yours".

73. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"

74. Does not take responsibility for his behavior.

77. The hurt he describes is because he got caught or he's mad that you're mad, and not because he believes he made a mistake.

78. Secret life. You're often wondering what he does or who he is that you don't know about.

79. Always feels misunderstood.


80. Is usually through listening once he's made his arguments.

81. We talk about his feelings, not mine.

82. Unchallenged by people because they seem to be put off by him, afraid of him or he eludes them.

84. Is not interested in problem-solving openly.

85. Seems very interested in discerning personalities, so that he can strategize how to manipulate them.

Copyright J. Kent Griffiths, 1998

Are we naive?

1.Naive: having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous.

2.

having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous: She's so naive she believes everything she reads. He has a very naive attitude toward politics.

3.

having or marked by a simple, unaffectedly direct style reflecting little or no formal training or technique: valuable naive 19th-century American portrait paintings.

In a world with 500+ TV stations, thousands of newspapers and magazines, 24 hour news channels from around the world, millions of movies, books and videos instantly accessible and downloadable to portable devices and the internet….unless you live on a remote island with no electricity, it is difficult at best to be naïve in this day and age.

However, when we hear of the horrors in the world, and we view the “bad guys” from the myopic view of the media, we are only getting a glimpse into the worst personality disorders have to offer. What we usually see are extremes, extreme examples of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissistic people. The “villain”, the hardened criminals. Their crimes are heinous, unthinkable and happen “out there.”

In our own worlds, we haven’t run into to those types. We know to avoid certain neighborhoods because certain “elements” stay there, hoping to target an unsuspecting victim for their own personal gain. We protect ourselves by not walking alone down a city street at night, in hopes to prevent being accosted by a really BAD guy.

Rapist, serial killers, thieves, gang bangers-that’s the portrayal of sociopath most of us have seen, and seen from the nightly news, to horror movies, to stories on Oprah.

Politicians, actors, musicians and sports figures are the best view of narcissism we have, from the outside looking in.

But one needn’t be in these big leagues in order to be personality disordered enough, to ruin lives, hearts and bring a lot of damage and trauma to a soul. These are frankly, the worst offenders of all….because there is no warning. There is no stereotype where we can assume arrogance-a rich surgeon, a successful lawyer, a driven political activist. There are no gang colors or signs to let us know we should cross to the other side of the street. They don’t look sinister, aren’t necessarily decked out with tattoos, piercing and muscles, in other words, they don’t fit the stereotype for bad, monstrous people.

So when THEY come along……we are stunned to discover that even though they don’t fit the “mold”, they are in fact, as evil as all of the above. This, we find incredulous. Our minds simply can’t wrap itself around the fact that a normal, average run of the mill guy, could be as calculating, devious and manipulative as some mafia grunt. We fail to see how it’s possible that anyone who has never served jail time, much less got a traffic ticket, could be using us and conning us for things we have that they want. After all, bad guys have a “past”, don’t they?

We think that because they’ve never laid a hand on us or any other woman that we are aware of, or because they’ve never killed anyone, raped anyone or hurt any children, that they are not “sociopaths” or “psychopaths.” Because of this, we forgive them. We believe that they may be a lot of things, but certainly nothing as harsh and as loaded as some sort of “path.”

But there is a different kind of psycho than the obvious ones. They are in their own classification. They may never reach notoriety or infamy from their crimes of the heart, but they are just as malignant and troubled as the guy doing the big crimes.

They don’t have to extort millions from companies, don’t have to run shady underground businesses, don’t have to own a gun, or have a trail of felonies. They may in fact seem like pacifist and have never so much gotten into a fight in a bar or while in school with some other guy. They could seem anything but the type, wimpy almost.

I guess you could say there is different levels of evil, just as there is different levels of every emotion in life. So maybe he’s not as bad as the worst, but he’s also nowhere near good of the best. This is where our naietivity comes in. These men manipulate and play women-and that is sociopathic. They stalk, they harass, they are sadistic, and that’s psychopathic, and the guilt trips, the sense of entitlement, the lack of caring and empathy about anything but themselves, is narcissistic. It needn’t be on a grand scale to be true. But when we see loaded words such as these, we can’t help but think of the myriad images for years that have played about psychos, and we compare our men to that. And then, our men are not “like that” so therefore, they aren’t the intense adjectives used here.

So what? So what if they aren’t a true text book of sociopath, psychopath, or narcissist? So what if they just have traits? The traits outweigh the healthy aspects of their personality, therefore its safe to say, they have these problems. You can have a cold, or pneumonia, but does it really matter? Both make a person sick, both exhibit the same symptoms. One may actually kill you, but they will both make you miserable.

So, is it naiveté, or simply being ignorant?

1. Lacking education or knowledge.

2. Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge: an ignorant mistake.

3. Unaware or uninformed.

Ignorant means “Not Knowing.” We didn’t know. We didn’t know that these types of psychos exist, because they aren’t the ones getting all the attention. It seems boring in comparison to their much sicker counterparts-but to those of us who have been infected by one, we know that they are just as cruel and malicious and life-altering than the truly devilish ones.

Our ignorance, not our naïveté is the problem. We know there are bad people out there. We aren’t stupid and we protect ourselves from dangers as much as we can.

We just didn’t know that a psycho could look, talk, and be as unassuming as the men we’ve met. But now we are learning. Psychos can live next door to you. They can be your nurse, your mailman, the guy that fixes your car. They can be gregarious and popular and good looking. They can often be viewed as “nice guys” to the outer world. So is it naïveté, or just not realizing, because this isn’t a topic discussed or portrayed much anywhere, that there is this subculture of psycho men (and women?)

I don’t believe its naïveté. I grew up realizing that some people can really suck. This was further emphasized with my best friends murder, and my subsequent job in an Emergency Department where you wouldn’t believe what people do to themselves and each other. If anything, you could say I’m jaded. Definitely not naive. Just didn’t know. But now I do. And I hope I’m helping others to know it, as well.

Why does he pick us? Part one

Then why us?

A few years ago, psychologist came out with a term called “Emotional Quotient.” This was to measure a person’s emotional capacity, versus “Intelligence Quotient”, otherwise known as IQ.

There are many people with above average IQ’s, who score low on EQ. A high IQ means that you are often successful, cerebral, driven, intellectual and can function just fine in society….even if your EQ is low.

A high EQ can exists even if a person’s IQ is average or below. ….but a high EQ is a rarer breed than a high IQ.

Trouble I think can certainly ensue, for those with a high IQ AND a high EQ. Not only does one with a higher IQ have more awareness of the world, ponder the existence of man and generally over-analyze and think too much, but coupled with a high EQ, they also feel everything intensely. I believe artist, musicians…creative types in general, probably score highest in EQ, with or without a high IQ.

We all know the measurements for determining IQ. But what of EQ? EQ is one’s ability to feel compassion, empathy, lack of prejudice, ability to put themselves in another’s shoes. it’s the ability to understand how another person may feel or think in a given situation, even if they themselves have never fully experienced it. It is the ability to love, forgive, to nurture and care for, and most importantly to be able to get out of one’s self and sublimate personal needs for the betterment of other’s. it’s the ability to understand rather than to be understood, to comfort rather than be comforted, and to over all want to make a difference and do good in the world. It is not fame seeking, social climbing and it is not shallow….a person with a high EQ sees the hearts and souls of others, not the bank accounts, job positions, material possessions, name dropping or body image of others. It really could care less about how one looks or what they drive, it cares more about the heart and soul of the person.

High EQ people are very sensitive and often tragedies around the world can deeply affect them, whether they know anyone in the areas or not. The nightly news can trigger disturbing thoughts. Those with high EQ are prone to depressions and anxieties, and coupled with a higher IQ which is more likely to be aware of many injustices and craziness in the world, it can really become a tormenting way to live, if there isn’t great love and support around these individuals.

And those with high EQ are susceptible to being abused.

Abusers have a very low EQ. Oh, they feel greatly about themselves, and their feelings, but their ability to feel for others is limited, indeed. Often, a mark of an abuser is their inappropriate emotional responses. They will laugh and seem un-affected by things most would find disturbing, and they react with anger and rage towards kindness and love shown to them.

In most cases, they are very backwards in their worldview, emotionally. Which is why you will often see them professing love for those who are just like them, and seeming to hate those who offer them what would be considered a normal, healthy love and relationship.

Do people with EQ also have an above average naivetivity? That will be discussed in the next post.

So, what is our problem?

They, being some "experts", will tell you that you have "issues."

They will say that your low self-esteem caused you to be enamormed with this man, and subsequently abused.

They will tell you that if you loved yourself more, then you wouldn't of stayed with him.

They will tell you that you are weak.

They will tell you that your parents are the reason that this man got into your life.

They will say that you are disturbed, perhaps insecure, and that you need psychological counseling indefinitely.

Funny thing is.....we may not have needed it, until we met him.

See, my parents were abusive.
My mother a narcissist and an alcoholic.
My father a physical batterer.

Yet, my first boyfriend, whom I dated a year freshman year of high school-treated me like a princess.

My second boyfriend, whom I date over a year the rest of high school-also treated me like a princess.

My third boyfriend, after high school, whom I dated over a year-also treated me well, and would gush about how much he loved my personality, heart and soul. That was his biggest attraction to me.

My 4th boyfriend was the love of my life. Together for 9 years. We had a daughter together. We had our ups and downs, but he too....treated me like a princess. Then he passed away in a tragic accident.

My husband, was my best friend....we were together 7 years. He treated me like a queen. We had our issues....but there was no abuse. We also have a daughter together. The marriage ended for many reasons, and it wasn't a totally amicable ending-but ten years later, I can say that I still care for him, he's a great dad, and I have no hurt or hatred towards him. He still makes me laugh.

So.........what happened?

Who can I blame this on?

The theory that my abusive parents mustve set the foundation was sorta dispelled by the fact that the majority of the boys/men in my formative romantic years and all the way until I was in my 30's-were wonderful. And wonderful to me.

My first sexual experiences were the way they were supposed to be. Within a commitment, with love and respect, and at MY pace.

My male friends also were wonderful and caring.

What did it?

Was it the death of my life's love, that created guilt, sorrow and did I blame myself somehow?

Did my divorce, which was incredibly painful though my choice, also create guilt, a sense of failure, tremendous pressure, did that lower my self worth?

Or was it the murder of my best girlfriend of 18 years by the hands of her husband, that was the final straw of guilt, grieving and suffering for me, where I subconsciously began to punish myself and thus attract the abusive men to me?

Was it a culmination of all of the above?

Maybe. Then explain how the women who have had NONE of the above-no traumatic childhood, loving parents, "normal" lifestyle, successful, independent, driven and beautiful-have attracted and been affected by a psycho.

Is it truly because we have some damage in our lives, because we "learned" how to receive love?

Because after watching my parents-evidently, I knew how to choose better.

So.....what happened?

What happened is, I met a couple personality disordered men. Maybe I felt guilt in life and so I set out to "save" people.

Maybe I learned from my dad that abuse is "normal."

Maybe I needed to subconsciously experience what my best friend and mother did, so I could understand why THEY stayed.

Or maybe, these men are just motherfuckers who know how to manipulate a woman, take any or all of the above issues that any of us may have, spin it around to press these guilt buttons, play up on our compassion and desire to help and save our loved ones, who actually utilize our grief and sorrow to suit their own twisted agendas? Perhaps because they are able to brainwash? They know the buttons, the Achilles heel of our psyche? We let them in and share these painful incidents and they run with it?

We all have insecurities. We all have bouts of low self esteem. And, with a psycho, who the hell wouldnt? You can only hear so much that you don't do something perfect, his way is better, all the wrong things you do, look like and say, and NOT be affected.

Hey, they are the ones abusing.

I came from abuse. AND I DON'T ABUSE.

Therefore, no matter what OUR issues.........

Him abusing us is NOT OUR PROBLEM.

Until later....

So, what's wrong with us? Part one

These next few postings.....I feel very passionate about. I'd say that these are probably the hardest ones for me to write, actually. Probably because I take a very alternative view than most forums, websites and blogs in terms of my beliefs about how we fell prey to a relationship(s) like this.

For us all-even one toxic relationship such as this earns us an honorary PhD in psychology. By the time everything is said and done, we have learned more about human nature and abnormal psychology than any textbook or classroom could teach us. A large part of this is due to the obsession that happens to try and understand this man, and in our "research", we absorbed information and psycho-babble like a sponge.

To me, it created a dichotomy as one part of me understood and became "enlightened", yet another part of me became even more confused-as the lines of what exactly the root of his problems are, what "label" I could really attach to him, became more blurred. This is when my counselor pointed it out that what really should matter is not so much what he is but HOW he is, and that's all I really needed to know-that, and nothing I could do or not do would change it.

That said, it only brings comfort when we realize that it isn't us. That is, that he is, was and will be the same way to another woman. This is an area that until we truly believe that, can often wound the most, as we imagine him with another treating her as we should've and wanted to be treated, or we actually see him involved with another and doing things he didn't do with us. For awhile. If you are able to find a past lover or spouse of his, ask her. You'll see, that he wasn't different. And he won't be to the next.

We tend to personalize it all-because he told us be it directly or indirectly, that it was us, or he pointed out so much that he didn't like about us, was constantly hypercritical, fickle, "picky", condescending and quick to point out the negatives-that we are led to believe that if we were only this, that or the other thing-he'd be happy.Espeically if he cheated, and particularly when he compares us to others that have been in his life, or are in his life vicariously (ie, his best friend's wife, his brothers' girlfriend, YOUR best friend)-well, he wants us to believe its a flaw in us that creates his monster, and that he isn't just a jerk to all women.

But he is.

Meanwhile, we wonder-or others around us wonder while we are still in denial-what is OUR problem? Surely, we must be just as crazy as he is, just as damaged and have some serious issues of our own, right? And we beat ourselves up about as much as he does mentally, constantly berating ourselves for being stupid, naive, "too nice", or still loving him when he's been such as ass. We hate ourselves for missing him, think there must be something terribly wrong with us for not being able to feel hate or enough anger to leave him, and so we begin to look for a label for ourselves.

One of the most popular ones in recent pop psychology has been the notion of "co-dependency." This term was originally created to explain the behaviors of loved ones and families of people who have alcohol or drug problems.

Interestingly enough-alcoholics and drug addicts take on an abuser's personality while they are in their addictions. They become secretive, dishonest, immoral, selfish and self centered in a completely pathological way, they manipulate and con and hide to maintain their addiction, and they blame the outside world or their live circumstances for why it is they must use drugs and alcohol. Once they get help and treatment-lots of that disappears.

For an abuser-it doesn't.

And lots of abusers use drugs and alcohol, which is why so many of us are convinced that its the addiction that has created this person in him, and so we become "co-dependant" in trying to "save" him. I personally believe that co-dependency is created in response to being in a toxic and abusive situation. I don't believe that we suffer from "co-dependency" and then as a result, attract all these losers to us. Yet, there are many who will say that there must be something deficient in us and in our psyche's that has made it possible to become "co-dependant. And, that co-dependency is a "disorder", a "dysfunction"-in other words, a "negative."

In doing this, I believe that it victimizes people further. Now, some will argue that there are no victims, only volunteers. Other trite sayings such as "You teach others how to treat you", and "You create your own reality" and "No one can bring you down without your consent." Or my personal favorite, "Like attracts like." Are you flippin' SERIOUS? They obviously haven't dated a real psycho.

NONE of it was consenting. Like him? Huh? I created this??

None of it was something we volunteered for, saw coming or ever wanted. Some say being a "victim" is dis-empowering, yet, saying we are "volunteers" is one of the biggest slaps in the face of all. Really? I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Yes, we have choices. Ever try and leave an abuser? Of course you have. He's tried to leave you, too. But he ain't going anywhere, even if he cuts you off and leaves you and finds another-he will still try to get to you- or, until you take drastic measures, and that's only if he hasn't scared the shit out of you enough to do so. And that fear could not just be physical, IE, I will kill you, but there could be all sorts of "consequences" and "repercussion" for abandoning an abuser.

They are like a stray animal-feed it once, and it keeps coming back. So, it's not like many of us didn't try and stand up for ourselves, didn't have a backbone or were so weak, blinded and programmed that we didn't think "This fucking SUCKS, HE SUCKS, and I WANT OUT." Co-dependant? Not when the only thing you could depend on him for, was getting hurt and emotionally slaughtered.
More later. This topic, this I can go on for days about.

"I wish I could hate him"......

You saw him only when he wanted to see you, heard from him only when he felt like calling, was replied to only when he got around to it, got his attention and affection on his timeline and his schedule.

Voicemails got “accidentally erased.” Text messages “didn’t come thru”, or “I deleted them and didn’t even open them.” Emails went unanswered or “really, I didn’t even get it.”

He would stonewall and give you the silent treatment in person.

You rarely got a please and thank you.

He’d refuse to converse…and this was before you may have had any “rage”. It’s what led you to your anger!

When he could pencil you in.... Your life together became a calendar called “HIS WANTS AND NEEDS” and you scheduled your life accordingly.

If you instigated any contact he was always too busy, unable to do, would do later, or you simply weren’t answered at all. So you stopped. You stopped calling, texting, emailing, sharing. You let him come to you. That’s how he knew he had you-because you accepted this one way interaction.

And when you complained about it or confronted him on it, he did a disappearing act. It became an unspoken agreement that if you want him in your life at all, it is only when he makes the effort to find you and reach out to you that you can have him-and he will assume that you will always be available…..sadly, because you always have been.

So willing to take his tidbits of affection and attention, you run after the bone he’s thrown you like a cute puppy dog just to have your chance. Maybe NOW he will talk to you/love on you/make love to you/be good to you.

And of course, because you want to remind him of how great you are, you make sure you look extra good. You will blow off your plans with friends, change your plans and no matter what your day, how you feel, what time it is, what the weather….when he wants you, you are there.

He gives not a thought to what you are actually doing. I was working in an ER giving CPR to a heart attack victim when mine kept texting and was pissed off because I wasn’t responding fast enough! They don’t seem to acknowledge or care that you have a life outside of them, you are busy doing things for yourself, that you are actually out doing good things for the world, and that they might be intruding or interrupting you, or that you don’t feel like interacting at the time. That concept is foreign to them and unfortunately again, they set the trap and you nibble the cheese.

Your desire for this to work, to be different, to not be the abuse your heart is recognizing it is, responds right away, calls back right way, answers the phone right away and rushes to see him right away and typically, its you going to him. He rarely if ever has made the effort to come to you unless he really has to, like you have a young child or children at home that you can’t leave, or he has something in his home going on he doesn’t want you to know about, (like a wife or girlfriend.)

So you rush to his beck and call, losing his respect (though that’s a misnomer, as he’s never had any for you to begin with, or what little he did when he at first had you on a pedestal- he quickly lost) and you lose respect for yourself.

Just because you wanted to date him and get to know him or even marry him, didn’t mean that you wanted to end up addicted to him and emotionally battered in any way by him, you didn’t want to have to live with it and if married- for the rest of your life. And had you known what he was about?-You wouldn’t of chose him.

Isn’t this pissing you off now?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY......

S(HE) BE(LIE)VE(D)

Does he know what he's doing??

After realizing the person we are with is not "normal", or at the very least, carrying around some heavy baggage, we then begin to question how aware of themselves they are.

Of course we have said to them more than a few times "That hurt me." "It hurts me when...." and some things they do are so obviously hurtful, that there is no need to point it out to them.

Yet......it continues to happen. Whether its cheating on you, calling you names, only pointing out the wrong you do, the imperfections and then taking for granted and remaining silent on the so much more GOOD that you've done-the behaviors, attitudes and moods that have hurt you so much and continue to wear down your self esteem, go on and on. Even if he admits "I know that I've been shitty to you."

Does he? We wonder. So, we like to give it a psychological slant and think that his behaviors are automatic and "subconscious." We think that if we make him more aware-that it, urging him to go deeper as to why he has these "problems", that it will stop.

We think his colossal ego is just to hide the fact of latent insecurities. We think the tough bravado is a front to hide how scared he really is. We ascribe vulnerability and sensitivity to a man who has rarely-if ever-shown any. Isn't that crazy? That we believe that he is so caring, insecure, vulnerable, sensitive and deep feeling-so much so, that he ends up being NONE of those things. In this sense, we may just be the "crazy" one here. Because the reality is this:

He chooses to be this way.

Abusers have the ability to choose right from wrong. If he truly had a mental disorder that made it impossible to truly love and empathize with people, then he’d be a jerk to everyone. He would have no friends, his family would’ve shunned him, he’d be a social outcast.

The fact is, he does know how to be “good.” Often in manipulating you, he would be. He’d be courteous, he’d have social graces, he’d be respectful, he’d call you, he’d tell you sweet nothings. He'd do stuff for you. Evidently, the guy knows how to be nice. He knows how to “love.”

He at least can see that there is a certain pay-off in being “normal”, in being a good person. The fact that he is able to do this with anyone else at all, means that he is capable of being a decent person, he has just chosen NOT TO BE to you, and has had the audacity to suggest that is your fault. Stop feeling sorry for or having pity on him. He knows what he’s doing, and he chooses to do wrong. This makes him evil, frankly. How can you love evil?

Most importantly.....if he didn't know what he was doing, then why the hell does he get so upset at the idea of anyone else knowing how he treats you?? Because he DOES know what he's doing. He's just hoping you'll continue to take it, and not mar his reputation at all by letting anyone else know what he's really about. Which is another reason why he sets it up early in the game, that if you were to start talking-YOU are the crazy one. So he knows, sister-believe it. He knows, he hopes "You weren't supposed to figure that out", he knows and its "that guy, an alter-ego created out of defenses"-he'll give you a boatload of excuses.....but he's AWARE, and....he's really NOT sorry. Sorry:(

PS It seriously has nothing to do with his mother. Some abusers "love" their moms and are mama's boys, others hate their moms. Don't blame mama. They are usually shitty to her, too.

Ok, but seriously....can he ever change?

On some websites, they are very hard-core in believing that abusers can't and will never change. I am personally inclined to believe that the chances of them changing and becoming a non-abuser are very slim, indeed. I think it would take a very strong act of some sort, some major life consequence and a series of losses for them to even consider that they may have some sort of problem.

With narcissist, the chances are slim to none that they will change, because they simply don't believe there is anything wrong with them-it is everyone else. They have too strong of a programmed ego to believe that they NEED to change, anyway. If they experience problems with people, they simply move on to new people, believing that the other people were the cause of the problems. This is why a narcissist will bitterly complain about most the people in their past with whom they no longer associate with. They rarely if ever take ownership for their role in a relationship, and even if they were to see that there is something "wrong" with them-they really aren't too concern in changing it, because there will always be a new person(s) to extract what they need from.

With a sociopath, they will never change, because not unlike being born with a birth defect, they simply lack something in their emotional make-up that gives them empathy, compassion-a soul.

Now a psychopath, in the true clinical psychological sense, cannot change, but-if the "psycho-ness" is caused by other factors (ie, bi polar, drug addiction, product of abuse, etc)-with lots of therapy, self-awareness and treatment, there may be hope for change.

The problem we run into is in trying to diagnose the person we are with, and clinging to the hope that they are in the small percentage of personality disordered people that if they just got help, could become different and better people.

So, what if your psycho falls into that bracket? There's only one way to really help him then.

Don’t spend one more minute trying to force things to work between you. Accept and let go that they haven’t, and they mostly likely never will. LET HIM GO.

Look at it this way: Even if deep down you want to believe he loved you, or does love you, that there’s hope for him-you are not doing him any favors by holding onto him and letting him abuse you. People don’t learn when they are being enabled with their crap, or someone always rescues them from their choices.

I’ve had to learn this the hard way, perhaps you have too-and so does he. Your leaving him might be the biggest favor, the most loving act you can do for him, because it may force him to have to wake up to himself and the consequences of his own actions. He has to learn to grow up and take responsibility for himself, and if you are sitting there unwilling to move out of his way, continuing to be a target-he will never grasp that his behavior and actions are unacceptable.

If your child did something wrong, you wouldn't threaten to ground them, you WOULD ground them. If you just threatened it, and never gave a consequence, not only would they not respect you, but they wouldn't learn right from wrong. Sure, kids "hate you" when you punish them, but then grow up to thank you for it.

So if that man who you want to believe deep down really isn’t truly an abusive narcissist, but a troubled man who could change-you have to let him feel the consequences, hate you for it-but don’t wait for a thank you. Just move on with your life, and maybe you will, maybe you won’t see a change or gratitude, but you WILL be sending the message that you are worth more, you deserve to be treated well, you aren’t out to control and change him, because you have finally walked what YOU'VE talked- and that’s the most powerful lesson you can give him at all.

Deep down, he’ll feel it. You may never hear of it. You may never know of it. Someday, someone may look you up, seeking out your advice about him. You want to be that girl.

Empower yourself. Recognize that your life is also about choices. You do have power. Again remember this: The person that caused this much pain in you, cannot fix the pain he caused. If he was capable of this, he never would’ve done this in the first place, and he would’ve stopped the first time he saw how hurt you are, or he would’ve left you alone. Stop looking for him to fix it.

Yes, he is responsible for the hurting. Logically we think, he should be responsible for the fixing. But, he’s not. If you look closely you’ll see-he doesn’t even take care of himself. That’s why YOU tried to.

What is, relationship Stockholm Syndrome?

And what does it mean to you?

"Stockholm Syndrome" was coined after some people were taken hostage (in Stockholm) and they ended up identifying with, relating to and defending their captors. Psychologist believe that this happens in any traumatic situation (kidnapping, cult groups, etc) where people are held against their will and totally controlled.

Logically it makes sense, that our minds, in order to cope with what is happening to us, search in vain to find some sense of safety and that the people who are harming us don't really want to harm us, and that they have a very good reason and cause to be doing what they are doing.

For example, if a captor who was holding us against our will, fed us a bag of Frito's and a couple sips of water-we would feel that they do care about our well being and that they care whether or not we starve. Of course in reality-giving someone a bag of junk food and just enough water to sustain life is malnourishing, cruel and torturous. But having been so deprived-a person captured would take this act as one of love, sustenance and mercy-and thus, would start to believe that the villains are "good."

In a psychologically abusive relationship-we end up doing the same thing. We are being deprived, we are being controlled, and while it seems that it is our will to be involved, the psychological abuser works so well to keep us where we are at with their subtle brainwashing, we don't seem to think that we really have a choice, or-like those afflicted with Stockholm Syndrome-we decide to CHOOSE to stay with our capture.

In some respects, this may also be a way that people take back their power and control. The mind, unable to deal with being held against it's will, creates reasons to suggest to itself that they aren't being held, they are choosing to and want to be in this situation.

That's what happens to us. We begin to scan this person for any signs of "good", of love for us, we make excuses for their cruelty (often helped along by them and their own excuses, which we fall for), and when they 'give' to us, we accept it and blow it way out of proportion in importance. I.E.-seeing a bag of Frito's and a cup of water as a full course steak and lobster dinner with wine.

It's part of why we stay. Just as a hostage-taker believes they are justified, with good reason and cause to be doing what they are doing-so do our abusers believe that how they treat us, is justified and with good reason. Whether its something we are doing or not doing, or something that happened in their lives to "make them" this way-we find rational sanity in the insane and inappropriate excuses made. We begin to identify with our abuser, we begin to believe that he really doesn't want to hurt us personally, and we begin to defend him-not only to ourselves, but to all others who may notice that he's not exactly being a nice guy to us. We take the little shreds of "mercy" and believe that he really is a good man underneath it all, he is just x, y and z. With our love, it could change. He's just mis-understood, that's all.

This happens especially to women who have been battered by men. The women who have been beaten up, show up to court and beg the judge to let her man go because "I love him."-that's relationship Stockholm Syndrome.

It happens with psychological abuse, too. Being with these men over a period of time is not unlike being in a cult. That's why when it ends, "de-programming" has to be done, and that's part of why we become obsessed in Googling, books, programs, etc-because we are desperately trying to undo the brainwashing and come to grips with sanity. To overcome the relationship Stockholm Syndrome that not only keeps us with him, believing in the good in him despite massive evidence to the contrary, and keeps us being abused.

Happy Valentine's Day

A day like today, often conjures up old injury. Even for those who are not suffering from a traumatic relationship experience, Valentine's Day often can make those who are single, lament the fact that they are, and those who are in un-satisfactory relationships, re-evaluate the status of it. For the rest, it is an obligatory day to express your love via a gift, a dinner out, or with some chocolate. For some couples, they will become engaged this evening, others even married. For some, it will be spent in, a night of candles and lovemaking, for others, they may go out on the town, wining and dining in opulence (even though it is a Sunday.) For those of us involved with disordered people, we can only curiously wonder what celebrating Valentines day is really like. Personally, I've never really enjoyed the day, only because I find it far more romantic to be given a gift because it's just a regular day-and not because someone feels obligated. And when it came to being involved with the disordered, Valentine's Day did become somewhat of a measuring stick of reality for me to gauge just how "real" our "love" was.

Your disordered partner may totally blow off, ignore and do nothing for you on Valentine's Day. Instead, YOU may be the one who goes out of her way to buy an expensive gift, send texts of love and affection, and ask HIM what his plans are for the evening. And you may hear something similar to my sentiment above: That he resents Valentines day, it's just a "hallmark" holiday, and if he should give you anything at all, it is a cheap, generic classic gift of a card and a small box of cheap chocolates. Perhaps a gas station rose. This, you should be satisfied with-after all, it's the thought that counts, and hey, he even did something for you, right? At least that's his mind set.

Of course, he is expectantly waiting for you to shower him with love, affection, gifts, treats and the like, and to be available to him to give him a body massage, a rub down with candles, to make him or take him for a wonderful meal, to dress in your finest lingerie and be a willing concubine for V-day. Because he knows YOU love HIM. He expects this. Even if he protests to the contrary-he will at least expect you to show some attention, effort and even beg, pout or be angry if he in fact, has other plans in mind for Valentines day, or if he just seems to want to boycott it. He may even say that it's just not romantic enough since it is an expectation, and he will surprise you someday when you least expect it with the most romantic evening on Earth.

You know, when he's got more money, he's less stressed out, he's feeling better, or, "if the two of you stay nice for awhile."

Like every holiday, birthday, anniversary and the like with the disordered partner-the nights usually end up in some sort of fight and drama if you do spend time with them, or, the nights don't happen at all. If in fact you had a good holiday, birthday etc with him at some point early in your relationship, you dwell on that time and wonder what was it that changed? What have YOU done wrong? Has his feelings changed? He used to be so romantic.

As been said so often.....they just can't maintain the "good" for very long. They give it the first times you have these special days that come in your relationship-and you rarely if ever, see it again.

Even when you are not with him anymore, the memories of these holidays and the like can remain, and it because an odd thing, when other people in your life actually a) recognize you on these days and b) do something for YOU. Because we are so accustomed to it being the other way around.

Today is a day of Love. Love is not limited to men we date or marry. Love is there for our kids, friends, our family, our pets, the sun, the Earth, chocolate, and most importantly-ourselves.

I urge you today to be your OWN valentine. Do something special for YOU. A bubble bath, treat yourself to chocolates, and go rent a horror movie LOL. Get yourself a diamond. You would've probably spent money you didn't have to make him happy-so do it for you. Call the friends and family you love, and remember how special you are, no matter what man is or isn't in your life anymore. The road to loving ourselves again, and learning how to love in a healthy way can often seem long and un-attainable, but healing comes and you will realize that YOUR ability to love is the best gift of this day that you can have.

What to expect when reality hits, part two

You only need validation right now because he has taken your self respect, worth and esteem and convoluted it so badly that you don’t even know if you had any to begin with. But you don’t need really need validation, You KNOW IT"S NOT YOU, though this is much harder if you do have a past filled with abuse as you think to yourself on some level, "If I’m being abused, I must’ve done something to deserve it, (or worse)-I must be loved". And no one wants you to believe that more than the person who is abusing you.
And you don’t know who you hate more-him for doing it, or yourself for taking it.

He seems to gets off Scott-free, gets away with psychological murder, and no one else knows. He’s free to move on, do it all over again-and will do it all over again, and you feel somewhat responsible for the next woman he hurts, as if you are enabling his bullshit and his abusive ways by NOT speaking out against it. But how can you? Where is your tangible proof? Where is the visual evidence of the wounds inflicted to you? There is no bruise, no broken bone, no bleeding that would convince anyone that he’s dangerous. As someone online once said “At least you can name a punch.“

There’s just you, and what you KNOW to be true. Besides, he’s conned everyone outside of the relationship into thinking he’s a great guy, because he’s great to them. Even your own friends and family have a hard time believing it’s as bad as you say. How do you prove it? How can you stand up against it? There is no emotional abuse court. It’s not the National Coalition Against Domestic Psychological Abuse. But it is mind violence.

This why if he just up and leaves you, it is a true blessing, and good riddance. Don’t wonder and wait if he will be back. Don’t be upset if a week, two or six months passes, and he’s straight up gone and you haven’t heard a thing. Don’t feel bad that you’ve learned online that abusers always come back, and yours hasn’t, so maybe he didn’t really love you. You have to stop considering the fact that the abuser ever “loved” you, and stop seeing his manipulations to come back and do it some more as some weird evidence of “love” for you. Snap out of this. You want him gone and you want him to move on and you want him to know- you can no longer be abused. Trust me, for the abusers who don’t or won’t let go-if you are left to do the leaving, it can cost you your life. The only way to end it, is to get out of it. Easier said than done. If you are still asking “Can an abuser change?“ or fearing if you asserted yourself, he’d hate you and leave you, then you are not ready to end it. You haven’t “hit bottom.“ If you at that stage, consider this:

1) Yes, it really happened. You were played, manipulated, gas lighted, used, criticized, verbally abused and totally controlled. You are NOT crazy, psycho, volatile, insane, whack job, weak, dependant, worthless, stupid, idiot, blind, or anything other negative thing you’ve been told-or that you have told yourself. You didn’t misunderstand him or take him wrong. Don’t listen to the statements such as “If you weren’t capable of acting this way then maybe I could’ve wanted more!” It’s horseshit.

2) Yes, you loved. But it ended up being the same way that a diabetic loves chocolate, a smoker loves a cigarette, and gambler loves money. The good, pure altruistic love and pleasure you felt in the beginning, morphed into something that wasn’t good for you-and like an addict, you yearned and craved it to go back to how it was. You chased a high. You fell in love with someone’s potential. Sadly, many people never live up to their potential, and he may be one of them-and nope, you weren’t the woman to get him there. No woman will. You have to realize that and understand it-these men really don’t change. They are “therapy-proof”-because they honest to God don’t see nor believe that they are at fault. Their minds are truly inverted to the truth. Is there the rare man that could? Your odds of winning the lottery are much greater than having your man be that guy. Why risk it, when there are so many good ones out there?

3) No, not everyone in the world has a good side. A genuine good side. Some people seriously have a good side as an act, a façade, a ruse, a veil-whatever adjective you can think of to describe his mask. Sometimes good people do bad things-and sometimes, bad people do good ones. Anyone capable and willing to hurt you this way-is the latter.

4) It is OK TO BE ANGRY! And it’s okay to express it, feel it, show it-to be a bitch! It is NOT okay to take it out others, and it’s not okay to hurt yourself with it. Especially if you aren’t married to him or living with him-if you want to lay into him and tell him exactly what you think-do it! Call him out! Let him know you are onto it! Don’t fear the reaper, because your relationship with him has been dead pretty much as soon as his abuses started, which if you are honest with yourself, wasn’t long after you met him. It’s very difficult for these people to maintain a masquerade of “goodness” for long to the females they become intimate with.

5) Be as honest with yourself as you wanted him to be. Make a list, one side what you like about him, one side what you don’t. And make sure the “likes” are valid and verifiable, i.e., his actions have proven that this is true. Don’t make the “likes” side be your wishful thinking side, what you just KNOW in your gut he REALLY is-only write down what you have seen and experienced with your own two eyes….not what he’s told you to believe of his good, certainly nothing you’ve heard. He’s not a very good authority on what’s good in the world- including himself.

6) Now do the same for yourself. The stuff you like, the stuff you don’t. Now, realize this: Everything on his list-YOU CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT. PERIOD. Everything on your list? Is within your total control.

7) Recognize you do not need him, you don’t want him in his current form, you want the guy you THINK he could be or really is to everyone else-but that you CHOOSE him. This is what they really mean by “letting”. It’s a choice. He can’t abuse you if you are not there. He’s got no one to leech energy off of, if there’s no one to take it. Hand the crown over to someone else-you’ve done your time, girlfriend.

8) Make a list of all the things you WANTED from him, and never got. Make a list of promises he made-and never delivered or made good on. See for yourself that you deserve better. If your best friend came to you with this list, what would your advice be?
Then, (and maybe you need a glass of wine for this)-ask yourself why you would only be satisfied to get those needs and wants from him. Other men may have come along offering you what you claim you really want. But they weren’t HIM. See it for what it is. It’s not because you LOVE him. You love an idea you created in your mind about him. If you are still convinced that no, it’s because I really LOVE him….then ask yourself why you don’t love yourself enough to choose better. We believe that the people who cause the pain, ought to be the ones responsible for fixing the pain, and therefore, we yearn and obsess for him to make it right, and that’s why no one else will do. But that’s not really ‘love”.

10) Get help. Find support. Get angry. Vent. Write. Blog, twitter, status. Let everyone in your life know what’s going on with you. The more people you tell-like giving up a bad habit or addiction-the harder it will be to let him back in again, or go back to him yourself. The harder it will be to deny it all, and revert back to thinking “it wasn’t so bad, maybe one more round, one more try, one more chance.”

To stay strong, you have to allow yourself to appear weak. Don’t protect HIM. He wasn’t looking out for you. Who cares if he hates you, because that can’t be any worse than how he’s been treating you now, can it? The more that people know, the more apt he is to leave you be. He will not want to do anything that will indicted him or draw attention to his harms. He won’t want to get caught. Tell your story. Find support groups and forums. Even if you go on their anonymously and post the whole thing-getting it out on paper-real or virtual- helps to get it out of your head, makes it more clear. When you make lists for the store, or do a “to do” list, you always feel more organized and less mentally cluttered. Doing this about your relationship will have the same effect. Its also a great reference to reminding you, since traumatized minds often “black out” painful memories….and force yourself to re-read it. If you have to tell him “I’ll call you back” if he calls you, and go read that thing before you do-do it. You may just decide not to.

Educate yourself. Read books, get online and find support forums where people like us are sharing their stories and their experiences. Understand what its truly all about. Something like narcissism….never in my life have I seen so many questions being asked about this type of person. If you go to WikiAnswers about narcissism, it is incredible the effect and destruction these people have on those involved, and how desperate people are to understand them. It seems and is incomprehensible to those of us affected by one that there are actually human beings incapable of feeling for anyone but themselves. That it is all a show, any sense of care or responsibility.

You are not alone in this bewilderment. But no matter how much data gathering you do, your heart will NEVER understand it, so, accept that. As hard and as jeeringly painful as it is. Tell yourself “the hell cares what HIS problems are, or WHY he does what he does, I just want to be free of it and happy, and pay attention to MY OWN PROBLEMS.” Playing Clarice to his Silence of the Lambs bullshit won’t change what’s happened between you. A diagnosis is almost impossible, but what the education will do, is help you to understand ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, it wasn't YOU, and you are NOT alone. That alone, helps you to a)get away from abusive people and b) begin the healing process. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

If you are still in denial, still think there’s a chance it could work if you both got help, if he cleaned up off drugs/alcohol, etc etc….go to the forums anyway. Like an ex smoker who will tell you “Just one cigarette will get you back smoking again, so don’t pick up that first one”, reformed abused people will tell you that if you take him back, or don’t leave, it will never change. But when you, like an addict, get tired of being sick and tired, or when it has truly started to negatively affect your life and health, then and only then will you really entertain quitting him. Don’t wait until it takes a fatal diagnosis and you’ve lost everything to admit defeat. You are not “defeated”. The man is toxic through and through, and you only think you need him, you have fear of letting it all go because its such a waste, all that love and care for nothing, like throwing everything into a black hole. You fear what life without him will be like, only because it’s familiar. You wonder why you even had to experience it at all. You started out just wanting to have love. Perhaps there is an ultimate reason for it. There may be a divine calling for you that only having had this experience can you move on to achieve.

What to expect when reality hits, part one

The best thing to do is to stop giving these attention whores your time. You yearn to be “that girl.” You wonder and question why it is that you just can’t seem to break away and let it go. You are obsessed. You’ve tried-maybe even he’s broken up with you a few times in the past, but this is different.

While you are doing everything you can just to function-he’s out laughing it up and rubbing in your face how he’s moved on and has someone else now. If he’s like my abuser-he will tell you all about how he is madly in love with another woman, he will tell you what song he hears on the radio that reminds him of her-and it’s a love song-and he will be doing this from ANOTHER woman’s house, and she will be laughing in the background. Yeah…that’s how he rolls.

When you realize that its over, you are then torn between a desire to exact a consequence, unable to let it go and know that for all your efforts, your investment, the love you truly did feel, there was no payoff, and now there’s no consequence for what he’s done here. You recognize in horror that you’ve been sitting in some emotional casino, pulling that lever, the coins you’ve dropped in being everything you’ve got, trying harder than you have in your life, and the cherries never hit. You got no return. Eventually, you will realize you win by losing and the return you’ll get, is that you get your freakin’ life back. Your mind, your sanity. Your soul.

But for now, you are left feeling powerless. He has 9/11’d you, and you don’t have the energy to search for his Bin Laden. But you feel justified-and rightfully so-that he had no right, no reason, no cause to vaporize you like that, and that you need to defend yourself back. For some women, they rely on the court system and lawyers in divorce courts to help prove what they know. Yet oftentimes, it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes women take matters into their own hands, and feebly attempt things such as slashing tires, telling his new girlfriends, getting onto internet websites to “report” an abuser-and all she ends up doing is making herself look like the “psycho” he has painted her out to be. Hell hath no fury like a woman scored kind of thing. That you are embittered, don’t take rejection well, unstable, emotionally out of your mind, immature and a hot mess. And you feel every one of those things as you admit defeat.

You go from telling yourself you’d rather be happy than right, let him win and just move on, forgetting you ever knew him and wanting to just forget it ever happened, to crying out for justice and how is it remotely fair that people like this get away with it?? Your friends encourage you to believe in “karma”, with the endless amount of comments such as “What goes around comes around”, “Don’t worry someday he will get his”, “He will have to answer to it all at judgment day” and then you wonder about THAT. You wonder and pity him as you think that he truly may have a psychological disorder and thus “cant’ help it”, and you wouldn’t wish evil and suffering on anyone say, for having a physical disease they can’t control."

You feel evil and guilty all at the same time, evil for thinking horrible thoughts towards another human being, a hypocrite because wasn’t that what he was doing to you? You feel sorry for him that he is so damaged and defective, then go back to feeling that he is very much in control of what he does, he’s calculating and aware, and JUST DOESN’T CARE. How that is even remotely possible is the shock and awe your mind experiences, because you realize that he is a sadist. An emotional Hitler. How anyone can see you writhing in pain, ignore your tears, and stand back and do nothing to try and alleviate it, but instead, selfishly suggest that you are tormenting him-you realize that in his mind, that’s how he sees it. You’ve been the perpetrator to him all along, and it is sheer insanity that has your mind, heart and soul reeling in despair.

You become obsessed where all you can do is re-play things in your mind as if you have a built in Tivo in your brain, trying to piece together all that’s been said, all the contradictions, all the crazy-making that he’s done, scanning the information, pausing at certain points, and incredulously begin to realize that you are not dealing with someone who is sane. Period. Yet you go through a period of doubting yourself more because he has twisted it so much, you truly question your own sanity and whether or not you did this to him.

You think of the times you’ve fought back, the mean things you might’ve said, and while you know that it was self-defense, you know that it was the pressure cooker inside of you begging for normalcy from him, because he is so effective in these subliminal implants of your wrong doing-you actually question it. You actually think it might’ve been YOU all along who is the crazy one. That’s where he wants you. Believing that you deserved all of this. You torment yourself with the confusion that swirls in your mind, a confusion the likes of which you’ve never known. How could you have been so wrong about someone? Is your intuition really that off base? How is it possible that a person cannot feel for anyone, they don’t understand empathy, or wearing someone else’s shoes? How did this radioactive man get in, and why are you suffering from the fallout? Why can’t you accept that some things ARE as they seem on the surface, and you should take him for face value and realize that what you see, is what you get? But we don’t.

We love TV with the narcissistic male characters, whom women woo and try and tame, and we watch when he supposedly has a bit of a heart. We love the stories of the player/jerk who in the end, wises up because he’s going to lose the woman he loves-we want to be that girl, the one who tamed the bad boy, the one that he totally changes for, we live for a glimpse that he‘s human, has remorse, has regret, feels badly, harbors some guilt and wants to make up for the pain. We just want a sincere realization and apology that he has in fact, been playing us.

Ladies if he were capable of that, he never would‘ve done this to us in the first place. We can’t bear the thought that after all the pain he’s put us through-that some unsuspecting female, some female that doesn’t know this side of him exist, doesn’t know what he’s capable of-should then get the good that YOU deserved. You put in all the work and effort, she reaps all the rewards.

If he does do this, go with another woman, and seems to live happily ever after with the next one, after he’s brutally wounded you and sucked you into this vortex of grief and suffering-you then believe that every horrible thing he said and made you feel about yourself must’ve been true. It really wasn’t him-it was you. Yet you realize that this can’t be-because until now, you bent over backwards, jumped through hoops, gave everything you had, your blood, sweat and tears, chewed on glass, tried harder than you ever have with anyone else in your life, gave more good than Mother Teresa and often had the patience of a Saint-you PROVED to him, to yourself and everyone else that YOU are the good person.

You know your heart. You know that you truly did feel love and care, whether you should or shouldn’t of. Where’s your reward?

Then you think that you were BOTH wrong, you reasoning holds, so, let’s just call it even. You weren’t always perfect either. But then every nasty thing done, every inconsideration, every word uttered with the intent to hurt you, and every ounce of affection and care withheld comes flaming back into your mind. You've learned,in your "research", that a psycho can never feel guilt, never feel empathy, and so, why should you show him mercy? People need to be held accountable for their actions. You just can’t go through life being this kind of an asshole to people, and not pay a price. Especially to you. Which then again, has you wondering if YOU are the real narcissist here.