A Disclaimer

"Abuse" is a powerful word. Yet fitting. Some of the cruelest forms of abuse are invisible, hidden, covert and ambient. I am not a professional but I have de-coded the mind invading games of abusive people. Though I don't intend on making light of this subject, one has to have perspective when realizing how ridiculous the games are. Like the little man behind the curtain of OZ, once you strip away the ruse, YOU get your power back. If you can catch it while it's happening, you can avoid becoming brainwashed and a target to these types of people.

This site is for ANYONE who has suffered from an psychological abuser...and even those who ended up being abused in more overt or physical ways. Anyone who needs healing, of any sex, color, age, creed, background or culture. It doesn't matter if you dated, were married to, related to or worked for....anyone who's been abused this way can benefit. Abuse is not a "female" problem. It is a HUMAN problem.


"WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM."-Maya Angelou

Search This Blog


robert bonfils, 1960

30.12.09

Game # 17: Can you have Alzheimer's at an early age?


So this will be my last post of 2009, when the chapters will start anew under a new branch, January. Since New Year's is often a retrospective time, I thought an appropriate post would be concerning your psycho's memory.....or lackthereof.

One other madding behavior of these men are their incredibly poor memory. This is all apart of his games and “gas lighting“. You wonder if he is going crazy, if you are going crazy, and you search for logical reasons for his convenient amnesia concerning himself or you.

If he has a substance abuse problem, you find yourself rationalizing and blaming that for why it is he never seems to remember what he has said to you that has hurt you, argued with you or stories he’s told you. He will deny having said them, he won’t remember doing it, he will say it never happened, or, he will suggest that you have taken everything he said and took it out of context. You “read into” things, or you have taken bits and pieces of information he’s shared and came up with your own fictionalized version of reality. He in turn, will “remember” things that you don’t and that you know never happened.

I can assure you that I remember every moment that we were together, because when he finally gave in and wanted to see me and be with me, I jumped at the chance. There is another theory I have behind this memory issue. The more emotional a situation, for good or bad, the more people are apt to remember it. Since they have deprived us of much love and consideration, when they do pay attention to us, we remember the moments vividly. It leaves an emotional imprint. They on the other hand, are not emotional based about anything but themselves, which is why I believe that they don’t remember much of anything important to us. Just a theory.

In any event, I absorbed every moment like a sponge, in part to try and “figure this man out.”

Rarely, he would mention something that was so petty and trite that I was astounded that he could remember. To me, those times were proof positive that this man remembered far more than he led on, and was probably “recording” our times and conversations together with much better mental technology than me. While they like to make you think that they aren’t paying attention to you or really listening to much of what you say or do, they are in fact “studying” you, so they can figure out how to manipulate, control and find your hot buttons to push. With all this-you feel your sanity slipping as you wonder if you aren’t just being too Oliver Stone-ish with him, looking for and suspecting a conspiracy when there is none, or if you yourself isn’t the one that is suffering from paranoid delusions. As I've mentioned before, to an abusive person, the past is longer than 5 minutes ago and it is truly astounding how "convenient" their memories are. The "I forgot" is one of the most passive-aggressive tricks in the book, and it's difficult to argue. You can't "make" someone "remember." There aren't medications on the market to create the ability to remember, and while Fish Oil and Ginko are touted to be "memory boosters" or "memory helpers", try getting an abuser to even admit he has an issue with memory. To him, you are the one that is not recalling things properly. And of course, if you get angry with him for his shitty memory, then YOU are the jerk who is showing no compassion and hey, they "can't help it" if they are so distracted that they can't remember every little thing that you want them to. Of course not. They can only remember what suits them, and their own little hidden self-centered agendas. But you can count on the fact, they will never FORGET if you slight, hurt, or fuck them over in anyway. Memory loss, indeed.

art by Peter Saul

Game # 16: Don't be Smart

We learned already of a few of the psycho’s argument tactics. Now, if in these conversations, you show any anger, show any sense of “being onto them”-that is, you are not feeding into the "nice", an argument will ensue. You've caught them in a lie, you are “confrontational”, pointing out the twisted logic, the contradictions and the sheer insanity of what they do, and you are in fact, questioning them- you will then find out that you will be blasted-but not always in an obvious way.

You won’t always hear a classical abusive response, such as “You are a stupid bitch, now go get me a beer”-its far more invasive. And you know it’s what you aren’t hearing, that has you so mystified. You’ve heard the “I’m sorry” before, but the behavior that has you so hurt never changes. Or the apology seems more a token rather than heartfelt, more like an “Im sorry of whatever it is you say I’m doing” sort of apology, without a real desire to see it, acknowledge it or change it. It’s an “Im sorry” designed to placate and to shut you up. The actions don’t match the words.

You aren’t hearing a concern for you, a genuine desire to get to the bottom of your issues. You aren’t seeing any promises they’ve made kept. You aren’t hearing a shock or surprise that their behavior has you so muddled or contemplating leaving them. And you won’t- because they already know, they’ve experienced it before, countless times with other women. Only you don’t know that-because they make you feel as if it’s YOU that is the problem. I actually had one man tell me that he’s heard it all before, his entire life, from family, friends, girlfriends, etc. When I asked him “And that doesn’t disturb you?” His response was “I don’t wish to talk about myself with you.” That being the only time in the many years I knew him, that he didn’t wish to talk about himself.

You are sometimes accused of probing.
They hate you for this. You will be getting along okay, then he lets you down again, and that’s when they then bring up the fact that you are analyzing them, or trying to figure them out, and that’s a barrier for them. For example, you might get “Do you think you can just take me as I am without all the analysis and bullshit? Just trust in what I say, stop reading my mind?”

They attempt to make you
feel bad for questioning them, their motives, their intent. Goes back to the early days where he made it clear-don’t question him. He knew you would-all women have. Especially when their actions make you suspect that they aren’t being truthful, and then its your analyzing, dissecting or trying too hard to figure them out that has them vexed. So you back off, feeling that maybe you ARE out of line to try and invade their thoughts, their psyche, judge their behavior, and notice anything is wrong at all. Essentially, he wants you to sit there, take what they do and don’t do without question, just believe in them, in their words, in their intent-basically, play along.

These guys are big on “speaking between the lines.” In other words, its implied again subtly-that if you back off and don’t act smart and really THINK about what they do-you’ll get from them what you want. So, now you should sit there, patiently, don’t ask, don’t question, don’t “think too much" and everything will be just fine.

So now he’s controlled your ability to think, ponder, toss around, analyze, probe, question, critically think or connect the dots-because he just doesn’t like that. Your intellect is not something he can tolerate. Here your flag is “Don’t be too smart. Mind your business, and back off on mine. I don‘t want you to figure me out-and I‘m starting to suspect you could.” The abusive guy I was involved with at one point told me “I don’t want to piss you off, because you have the smarts to do something to me.” I told him that was an extremely back-handed compliment, but, the game worked: I still felt like he thought I was some horribly evil woman out to get him, and that I had to “behave” in order to earn his trust. Hence, I was not allowed to be angry or to react to any mal treatment towards me.

It’s subtle. It’s not a slap across the face followed with a tirade of ‘Bitch! Who the fuck are you to be tryin’ to read my fuckin’ mind? You think you’re goddamned Karnack?” Nope. But the effect is still the same-and he will repeat his “you’re analyzing me too much” mantra a great deal, all the while unwilling to answer any questions about him or concerns….and will continue this until you feel that free thinking and logic are meant for scholars, not women.

I even had one guy ask me “Why do you always use big 50 cent words? I have a friend who is a PhD’s, and she doesn’t talk like that." Yet when he would be drunk, he would bust out with the big 50 cent words. Keep this in mind: They will insult you on the things they actually admire about you. But they don’t want you to feel confident in what you have. So the game here? Make her feel bad and stupid, for being smart. If you start to believe this-then you won’t be smart enough to get out of their way. They can continue to get from you what they want-because you don’t dare to question them now or analyze how they say one thing, do another.

29.12.09

Game #15-"Hoovering"


Hoovering. I first heard this term mentioned on the website Out of the Fog. For more information on it, go to this link http://www.nook2.com/

"Hoovering" come from "Hoover", as in vacuum. As in, how the abuser's "suck you back in." How is it, that they can be SO shitty so often, and yet, we continue to not only forgive and dismiss it, but we also continue to believe that the "good" in them, supersedes the bad?

After a psycho has been abusive-ie, verbally mean, mood swinging, ignoring you, arguing you into circles, made you doubt yourself, blown you off, essentially pushed you to a limit-they actually think "Uh oh, maybe this time, I pushed too far." They see that perhaps you are hovering (that's hover, not hoover) on the edge of recognition that they are being pieces of crap-so while you are hovering, they decide to "hoover", ie, suck you back in.

This is achieved by bombing you with attention. By moments of "clarity", meaning perhaps even an admission of "I know that I haven't been right to you." "I don't know why I am a jerk to you. You didn't deserve it then, and especially, not now!" "There are women that I should've treated this way and didn't, and you aren't one of them". "The way I have been is a result of all my problems, it's not you, you did nothing wrong!" "I am so sorry, I don't understand why I get like this, I have fear of what you do for me, I don't want to hurt or get hurt" "I promise that I will make an effort, I don't want to disappoint you ever again, you won't regret letting me in again!" "I want to be that guy that gives you all, don't you see, I'm afraid of failure! Ok see you got it out of me!" " I just need time, maybe Ive been this way to you because I want to be able to give you all of me and I can't right now", and so on and so on.

Sometimes, it's just simple "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to do this, I love you" and sometimes it goes into elaborate explanations for how they can't believe things have reached this point, they never intended to hurt you, followed by lists and excuses (often sounding plausible and believable) that if you have any heart and conscious at all-you will soften at. Couple all of this with soft and vulnerable sounding tones of voice, perhaps even tears-and you find yourself "sucked back in", forgiving, and willing to continue to give him and your "relationship" a chance.

Until he fucks up again. Then, he blames you. Then he wonders again, if he's pushed you too far, and then he hoovers. Its a game and a "victory" for him, every time he "gets you sucked back in." He can't be that bad then, right?

This can go on and on, this twisted pattern of relating, indefinitely, and especially, because everything he says during a "hoover" is what you want to hear, and what you truly want to believe. Oh.....and he KNOWS that. This of course, is when "Seeing is believing" comes into play. If they hoover, then don't walk it, most people would like to think that at that point, they'd tell the guy to go to hell. But-these guys are
masters at hoovering. They especially know what to say that would personally hit your button, as they know and have studied you. And if you aren't buying into the hoover-then they bring out the heavier artillery to argue with you with, and that is even MORE effective to get you to doubt yourself and hence, accept the hoover. That will be in the next post. Just know this: The one thing about them and a Hoover is vacuum that is truly comparable? Is that they both SUCK.

26.12.09

What about forgiving a psycho?? Tis the season an all....


When Spirituality is Evil

In your quest to find answers, relief and solutions, as you play General manager in your relationship, you’ve undoubtedly come across many different approaches to how to change yourself in relation to your life, and how to fix your behaviors and/or reactions, in hopes that it may help prod him to do the same. You are desperately seeking help and counsel, advice and comfort-whether you are glued to Oprah and Dr. Phil, reading women’s magazines, talking to ministers, getting involved in church, praying for your man and/or yourself-you begin to look for some esoteric, mystical or metaphysical reasoning for what you are experiencing.

“Everything happens for a reason” “Everyone is our teacher and student” “ What would Jesus do?” You read current trendy and popular spiritual ideologies such as The Secret or The Power of Now, and it at first seems to be a relief, but what it really does is help propel you back into or to remain entrenched in denial of what you are experiencing. You really get freaked out that you somehow “created” this reality or that your soul incarnated to experience this relationship for it’s “lessons.” You tell yourself that relationships of any sort are strange in what they bring out in us. Some people intimidate, others bring you out of your shell. Some people you feel you can be yourself with, others you feel inhibited by. For whatever reasons, sometimes our “energies” with another can conflict, irritate or magnify tendencies we have. Some people just seem to bring out our worst. Some people really do hit our buttons, our delicate emotional nerves, the Pandora’s box of a lifetime worth of pain that we pull in our wagon. We listen to pop-psychology and new wave spirituality's that suggest we are subconsciously attracting and re-creating past traumas in the hopes to find closure and to “fix” the past. This only serves to confuse us more, until we are out of it.

"How the hell do you change your unconscious thoughts when you aren’t conscious of them?" you wonder. You didn’t think you were different than a lot of people who haven’t created this in their world, and you know many people who don’t feel all that great about themselves. And you are angry as the world sits back and judges and says “You were both at a fault. Him for doing, you for letting, so, just let it go, move on, get past, let it be, it is what it is, and focus on you, not him.” You set out to change
your perceptions, give him a break-and this is where “forgiving” and any spiritual paradigms can really get you into trouble by fostering and cementing a severe form of denial.

Much of my adult life has been spent exploring spiritual avenues for peace and happiness, and I have dabbled in many of the worlds’ religious and spiritual beliefs. I am all for that. I have a few beliefs myself. However-while you are in midst of an abusive relationship under its dictatorship, and even shortly after you’ve come out of it, be
very careful what you read and get into to try and help “heal.” I strongly suggest a counselor well versed in personality disorders or Domestic abuse and violence-because the spiritual tenets can and will confuse you further.

As it is, society expects us as women to be the nurtures, the caretakers, “Mother Earth”, goodness and light, love and warmth, emotionally caring and fostering peace. That is our nature. Yet at the same time, we are humans, with human natures. When you are still involved with a man who is abusing you, and you start following paths that tell you to live in the moment only, that the past and future don’t exists, that you create reality with your thoughts, that you must forgive and turn the other cheek, and that anger is “bad“-it can really, for lack of a better word-fuck you up.

As you are being abused, you decide that you are going to “forgive” him. That you’ve just been
perceiving him wrong. If you come from a Judea-Christian background, it may be part of why you have put up with him at all. Lots of things in those religions to suggest that you have to forgive your enemies, love people and treat them as you want to be treated, and if he is spiritually abusing you, he will conveniently throw biblical passages at you that suggest that a woman’s place is to respect and obey her man. If he has no beliefs, he will simply play up on yours and press that guilt button to suggest that you are NOT the spiritual person you are trying to be, or are, and that you are really "bad."

The spiritual guilt you may feel alone makes it hard to leave him. Your spiritual beliefs tell you that people are essentially good, and that you need to show them compassion and love, and because he is so abusive you assume that is what he needs more of. Jesus forgave the worst in people, so you think, you should as well. Buddha never let anybody get to him this way, the Dali Lama has peaceful protests, and Gandhi himself said “Be the change you want to see in the world.”-ascetics is cool, and anger and rage is “sinful” or at the very least, not spiritual, not enlightened, "not cool."
So, you are going to love him even MORE. You are going to show
more compassion and caring, because LOVE is the answer, LOVE is everything. You want to be the light worker, the angelic enlightened one who forgives them- for they know not what they do.

No sisters, they DO know. And if you can be a light worker, then you have met a dark worker. You cannot change the abuse by changing your perceptions about it. These life philosophies are very wise and helpful indeed-AFTER YOU ARE AWAY FROM YOUR ABUSER. Once you’ve accepted the REALITY that it he is EXACTLY what he seems to be. You are not just being “negative.” You are not choosing to see him this way, your “perceptions” are not
off. Your thoughts certainly did NOT create him-he was like this before he met you and will be afterwards,and if you just shift your focus from his bad onto his “good”, he will not magically shift along with it.

It is OKAY to judge him and his behavior towards you and others you learn he is hurtful to. It’s OKAY to be angry. If it makes you feel better-even Jesus himself got angry at no good people. All the love and light in the world isn’t going to change what is between you and this man-start loving yourself. Start forgiving yourself. Just because you forgive a person, doesn’t mean that you have to take their crap. Forgiveness in the form of allowing yourself to give chance after chance to be walked on, is not forgiveness, it is martyrdom. Yet its often why we take them back, whether they do the leaving or we struggle to.

In my case, I really used to hang on to the notion that the drug abuse and alcoholic drinking that these men do is the reason why they are abusive. How could I not have compassion and forgive that? If they could just clean up, get sober, get straight, find God themselves-it could get better. I’ve seen it happen with other men. I’ve seen it happen with women. People get away from that, and they change. It took me forever and a day to accept that some people, aren’t just nice guys with a drug problem that made him bad, but that they are bad guys, who just happened to be addicted to drugs.

If you think that you may have somehow created it, because your “thoughts”, perhaps because you’ve been exposed to abuse so many times in the past, your subconscious thoughts and beliefs think this is “normal”, okay. Believe that. But get the hell out of the relationship and
then ponder all of that, and heal it. UNCREATE him.

Game # 14: Gaslighting


The term "Gaslighting" is derived from the 1944 thriller movie named "Gaslight". The basic plot, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, is that Boyer, playing her husband, is a psycho. He married her for the sole purpose of finding hidden gems that were hidden in the home by Bergman's Aunt. In an effort to find not only the jewels, but also to conceal the fact that he was the one that murdered Bergmans aunt-he begins to psychologically abuse his wife in an attempt to make her think she was going crazy. It began to work. She suffered a nervous breakdown, memory loss and her health deteriorated. Without adding to the spoiler alert here-she was lucky that an astute person seemed to figure her husband out.

How would your psycho, who may not have done anything as heinous as murder, and may not be out to blatantly steal from you, "gaslight", and why? Well the why is easy. To throw you off, when you begin to suspect his real motives. If he is using you, he certainly doesn't want you to catch on. If he wants something from you, he won't want you to leave him. Of course, if he ends up controlling you through physical violence, its much easier to do so to a woman who's already psychologically damaged. No one punches a person in the face on a first date and generally gets a second one. So here are some "gaslighting" tactics used by psychos:
While the movie is an extreme example, gas lighting simply occurs to make you go nuts. It looks often like this:
I didn’t say that.

I didn’t do that.

That didn’t happen.

You misunderstood.

You took my words out of context.

You twisted my words, that’s not what I meant.

That’s not true.

You’re lying.

You’re making that up.

That’s just a fictionalized accounting from your own imagination.

"Remember when?".......and whatever it is they are recalling you did together-you didn't.

They will call you and tell you that they want to see you and talk the next day. The next day rolls around, and you hear nothing, time has passed since they said they'd show up. You call them, and they say something like "Oh, that's right....I forgot you told me to call you."

They will implant "false memories" in your head, conversations or events, and this has you thinking they may be confusing you with someone else.

Let's say they make a commitment to do something on a Thursday. At the time, you were both very clear that it was in a couple of days Thursday. When Thursday rolls around and they are a no-show, they might call you the following Thursday, all pissed off at YOU, vehemently blaming YOU for not remembering correctly.

Basically, just a flat out denial of what you know-er, thought to be true. Because by the time that they are done, they actually having you believing that black is white, the sun sets in the north, the world is flat, and the moon is made of green cheese. When you start feeling like you need a tape recorder around them, you are probably being gaslighted. It's called "crazymaking". This, on top of their denials and memory issues (more on that in a future posting)-you will question yourself, doubt yourself and this gives them a great deal more power over you.

24.12.09

Happy Hellidays


Like the story of Christmas, your baby Psycho was visited by three Not-So-Wise men at their birth. The 3 Not-So-Wise men were named User, Loser and Abuser. The gifts they gave to the baby psycho gave the psycho a Messiah Complex. And you dear woman-will be socially crucified in the end by him.

The holidays often bring up a difficult time in retrospect, if the psycho is gone from your life, or great disappointment if you are with one. A friend of mine has been involved with one of these soft predators. He asked her if she had received “a little blue box”, because according to the website, the package he sent to her had been delivered to her house. Now mind you-she works with this guy. He manages to find the time to come over for a few hours a couple times a week, for “pleasure.” Yet he is sending her a gift. And of course, any woman knows what a “little blue box” implies-a gift from Tiffany’s.

When she replied that she hadn’t received it, he told her “Well ask your neighbors, see if anyone else got it”-and she did. No one in her building had. He said “oh.” And that was THE LAST HE EVER MENTIONED IT. Not only did he not seem overly concerned that a package-from Tiffany’s on top of it-may be missing in action- HE NEVER PRODUCED IT. My friend never got her Christmas present. And neither one of them brought it up again.

Of course as an outsider to that, I was outraged for her. But I couldn’t really talk. I had just sent my abuser a Christmas card-with 25.00 in it. Not a lot of money-but I told him to take his kids to get this wickedly great hot chocolate that Starbucks had been promoting last year, the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate. Guess what? Not only did he not acknowledge nor thank me for it-he never even mentioned receiving it. That is-not until 2 weeks later when all I got was “Thanks for the card.” What did he do for me? He texted me on Christmas Eve “Merry Christmas we need to talk soon.”

3 days after New Years, he shows up at my door, because “I know I’m on thin ice with you”, with MORE excuses for his shitty behavior. “I don’t feel attractive, I have nothing to offer, I’m waiting til I get my shit together”, etc.

Often times, especially the Holidays-we go out of our way for the psycho. We get the perfect gift, we get him something we think he will truly cherish-and from him, if we get anything at all-we get something generic and without much thought, and certainly not with the love and care we’ve put behind our gift.

You could argue that the holidays are not about gifts, or how much money you spend on another. And this is VERY true. It really is the thought that counts. Trouble is with a psycho-they don’t put much thought if any, and in the case of my friend-they lie, manipulate and “tease” with dangling a “thought”. Its also a time that if you are not married to him, you may find that he won’t spend these important days with you at all. Years after you’ve been involved with him.

The best present you can give yourself is to kick a psycho to the curb. You won’t be sorry in the long run. Let them be bah-humbug somewhere else, and go chase some ho ho ho’s. You won’t get Scrooged anymore. Give him a lump of coal, and be on your merry way.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all!!

23.12.09

Game #13: Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES


Passive Aggressive excuses, or, how can I make her be the bad guy for not accepting abuse?

Here’s a list of some of the excuses I’ve heard from my biggest abuser to not have been available, willing to talk, show up, follow through, keep a promise, commit to being in the relationship or not, essentially-why he couldn’t not be abusive. Of course, he didn’t see it as abusive. If you’ll note, every excuse is designed to make ME look like an asshole, should I have protested any of them.

  • Forgot my kids had football practice, had to take them
  • I am being subpoenaed in an extortion trial against my boss
  • My sister’s ex- husband is being a dick and she needs my support and help with the kids.
  • My nephew got busted for pot and I had to go bail him out of jail.
  • Cell phone went through the wash, didn’t get your messages.
  • Your texts didn’t all come through.
  • My kids forgot their house keys and my ex is downtown and won’t be home for hours. They are staying with me tonight.
  • Got to go see my grandma she is sick with cancer
  • Working on my buddies’ snowmobile, said I’d help him
  • I lost my phone.
  • Have to go help the neighbors mow their lawn
  • Helping my ex fix her motorcycle
  • Plumbing in my ex’s house exploded, went over to help have to for the kids sake
  • Phone went crazy, kept telling me to insert SIM card but it was in there
  • Cant call you, my mom is upstairs and don’t want to wake her
  • Meds for my blood pressure messing me up, fell asleep on couch
  • No signal where I am staying for the weekend on road trip for snowmobiling
  • Got called into work
  • Mini crisis at work
  • Slept all damn day, think I have the flu
  • I’m feeling like I am emotionally in a coma right now.
  • Didn’t want to respond to you and hurt your feelings, best to say nothing sometimes
  • Been testing your patience to make sure that you want more from me than just sex
  • Have to go I have an early start for work tomorrow
  • I have trust issues with people and my living situation sucks
  • A piece of cement fell on my head at work today
  • An old girlfriend called me out of the blue and it distracted me
  • My ankle is fucked and I can’t drive over
  • One of my best friends just diagnosed with cancer that has spread all over

To name a few.

Yet I knew. If you have gotten excuses like this, then you knew as well. You knew he was lying, you knew that he was playing games, deep down, you just know that he is full of it. Some of the excuses- may actually be true. Most of it is crap. Yet-you can’t prove it. There was no way to verify if any of it was true. It was a lies I couldn’t prove, but just intuitively knew was a lie.

However, by the time you are done even hinting that you don’t believe in him, you have been rendered emotionally impotent by the suggestions that you are jumping to conclusions, you don’t trust him, how can you accuse him of things not having evidence, what is wrong with you, and if you didn’t react to him the way that you do, he might actually follow through on one of his many promises to be a part of your life.

Of course I saw it as bullshit. Of course, we fought about it. And yes, I did say goodbye. Many times.

It’s an emotional Chinese water torture with every interaction of this nature, eroding away your self-esteem. In fact, you may get LOTS of this. The excuses you hear for putting you off, blowing you off, letting you down, ignoring you, being unable or unwilling to communicate are meant to make you feel guilty, evil, too angry, uncompassionate, lacking, impatient, and not good enough….so you don’t see all that in him.

22.12.09

No, I DO NOT HATE MEN


I have to insert this code for Technorati so they can find my blog. NCC3KY7F5DKN


Good excuse to blog again. This isn’t about men-bashing, men hating or denying that men’s lives have been destroyed by narcissistic psycho-type women in their lives. But that is not the norm. It could be that it’s happening more than we are aware of, simply because how men are socially conditioned to deal with women. When a woman has inflicted this pain, the typical reaction of a man’s support system-his friends and family- is to tell him to “man-up”, jump back on the horse by bedding down another woman and “Don’t let her get the best of you, man.” The severity and the emotional scars left by a narcissistic woman I think could often be worse for a man, since there really isn’t any support out there for men that deal with this form of domestic violence towards them.

I believe this imbalance of power can be found in ANY sort of relationship-homosexual, parent/child, boss/employee- it is not just limited to men vs. women. However, statics show that abuse occurs more often as men on women. This is factual.

Do women play a role in what happens to them? Of course. We all have choices. The problem in trying to explain these relationships and to educate others on them, is that the psychological abuse that is infiltrated onto women renders them unable to make informed choice. That is, they are brainwashed and manipulated to make the choice that they do. Are some women more susceptible to this than others? Sure. The same way some people are easier to hypnotize than others. But despite your background, any past issues of being abused, no matter what your vulnerabilities-there are just as many women who come from loving backgrounds, are successful, strong and capable, whose lives are destroyed by these types of men.

I’ve read the stories of ex-models, doctors, lawyers, successful self-made women, who have been victimized by the ‘soft predators’ in their lives. It really isn’t about low self worth, co-dependency or “women like jerks.” It’s about misconceptions, mythology, stereotypes and ignorance to what domestic violence really is.
We all see images of other cultures where being abusive, oppressive and power/control over women is not only the standard, but acceptable. In our democratic culture-this mentality is lived out subtly, behind closed doors, and mostly, psychologically. It shouldn't be a dirty secret, a shame issue and an embarrassment to those of us who have fallen prey to it-but it is. This is another reason I am driven to do this-it only perpetuates the abuse further, by blaming ourselves for it.

21.12.09

On STALKING


I'm going to interrupt the accounting of the games, to bring you this message. Psychos are stalkers.

Now, many of them might infer that they think YOU are. The abusive man I was with did this to me for years. After he had borrowed money from me, promised to pay it back in a few days when I needed him to, and then disappeared for 3 weeks, sure, I "stalked him." Meaning I called, left texts that WENT UNANSWERED. He was MIA with my money. Now, I should've just chalked it up to good riddance and it just cost me 200.00 bucks to be rid of a piece of shit....but I was broke, he PROMISED and I was in extraordinary pain that he would do this to me. In any event, from there on, he called me "Psycho stalker."

When we got back "together" after a period of time apart, he would say things like "You know you were known as the Psycho Stalker, right?" When a friend of mine gave me a street sign of a major street that ran in thru my abuser's town, he did it, because I too, used to live there. So abusive boy said "What, did you get that when you were stalking me, ha ha?"

I told him I didn't want to meet him one night, as I was home reading a book. He texts me later to say "What book? Stalkers? Ha ha." Then proceeded to tell me-text me- that he was being followed, and asked me what kind of car I drove. I angrily told him to call my house phone to see where I am, get off the cocaine, and call me when he found his mind again. I then told him that I drove a silver Sportage. I didn't. But it was generic enough that I hoped everytime he'd see a silver small SUV, he'd be paranoid. Asshole. Play with my mind, indeed. He should've known my car. Shows you how much they pay attention. This of course happened after I truly did accidently run into him at a Walgreen's.

He had me SO convinced that I must be some sort of psycho stalker that it literally drove me crazy. This is gaslighting. It was absurd. I rarely called him. He always reached out to me. I gave up calling and texting when he didn't answer me. I let him come to me all the time. I didn't even know what his place looked like-I should say, mother's place. He LOST his home in a foreclosure and it wasn't cuz of a housing bubble.

Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off when I finally got a copy of his Order of Protection. Remember, he had told me about it. He told me it was for too many phone calls to a bitter ex barring him from his kids.Nope.

It was for stalking. For harrassment. Oh yeah, he called her. Relentlessly for almost a month. Drove by her home (there were witnesses) repeatedly and even admitted in a phone message that he had. He also tried to intimidate his then 4 year old son, to not like mom's new boyfriend. Told him "You can't like him. You can't have fun with him-only me. You can't play with him".

Hmmm. Yeah, he "omitted" all that. But you know, he didn't lie. And accussing me is projection at its finest.
To this day, he still tries to play this game-after I discovered this, he refused to speak to me. Immediatly told me to leave him alone he didn't want to talk to me. Started to try and make me be the harrasser.

These men do that. If you email them 5 times in a year-you are a stalker. You are "scaring" them. You are after them. You won't leave them alone. You are harrassing them. Even though they never gave you closure, won't answer to their wrongs, could give a shit that you are hurt-YOU are the stalker. Even if its been proven THEY are.

And they are. Right after this all blew up in my face-I will warn you, that nature abhors a vacume. We've often met abusers right after being abused by another. They serioiusly seem to smell it. So this guy from grade school found me on Facebook. He quickly went in for the kill with messages of "Can I call you to put a voice to that gorgeous face?" What did I tell you about "quickly". This was a HUGE red flag.

Because I was vulnerable, I did let him call me. I bitched about this last guy. He wanted to meet me and talk. I agreed to meet him for coffee, even though it was late. We were both out of work, so it didn't seem too weird. Oh, but was it. He lied and said something was wrong with his car (I later find out it was his roommate's car and that's why he couldn't drive to see me.) Something in my intuition went off. I nicely told him that I didn't think it would be a good idea to meet after all, and that I was sensing that he wanted more than just friends and I wasn't in a position for that right now. I appreciated his willingness to be their for me, but it was happening too fast and something told me to back off. No offense." Mind you-I talked to him once in 30 years.

He immediately texted me back and exploded in rage. He called me names I'd never even heard of. He accussed me of things I never even did. You would've thought we were dating and he just found me in bed with his best friend, that is how he reacted. And he wouldn't leave me alone. He texted me every 5 mintues, for days on end, until I almost considered changing my number. This as I am just coming out of the fog and reeling from the man I thought I had loved. He kept trying to re-ad himself on my Facebook when I deleted him. Finally, I blocked him. He contacted some of my friends from my friends list. He bothered one of them. I warned her about him and told him he was seriously disturbed. She said that she heard he was a nice guy. She wasn't romantically interested, but I did share with her the horrible text, the harrassing phone calls-and I mean harrassing. Not meant to work things out, but meant to scare me, to tell me that I will pay for "leading him on."

I finally talked to him and told him to fuck off. I explained myself-though I didn't need to-and told him that based on these events, I would not forgive this and move forward being his friend. He wanted me to forgive him and he gave me a list of excuses for why he went off and verbally abused me-someone he's not even seen in 30 years. I didn't ignore him, I gave him the attention he wanted-and when I was done, he said "What is your IQ? Its got to be like 180" and I never heard from him again.

I did however, just get an email from my friend that I warned. She told me that this guy is now stalking and harrassing another girl to a degree that not only is everyone talking about how psycho he is, but that her boyfriend is starting to really get pissed. Indeed, the boyfriend needs to step in and help this girl get a restraining order if he continues.

Point is: There is a difference between stalking, and "chasing" for closure. Some of us have done that. We cannot accept what's happened here, or that he is this man, or that he is cutting us off so coldly, with his emotional guiottine, and we emulate "stalking" in our quest to rid ourselves of the pain, for understanding, and to soften the blow of realizing we've just been involved with a sociopath.

THEY stalk to harrass, data gather, make you uncomfortable, because THEY can't let their power go, they can't believe ANYONE would reject them, they don't take rejection well, to show power and control. They really feel that if they can't have you, no one will. For some, this just means making you so damned uncomfortable or any man you are with that the guy will leave you, or will beat the shit out of him (then he wins in getting your new man in trouble) OR some are sick enough to kill you. To them, you are property. You don't have the right to move on with your life or god forbid, find happiness elsewhere. So, don't confuse REAL stalking with what we have all done, which is plead, beg and try and find sanity with a conversation and an ending to the nightmare we just went thru. Some shred of evidence that they are decent, human beings.

THESE MEN ARE THE STALKERS> if they talk it, they will stalk it.
I almost posted a picture of my abuser's Order of Protection. Its public record. I need to make sure the names can't be seen before I do. Not to protect his privacy, but his ex's and her childrens'. But you are free to look up your own abuser's past. I suggest that you do. Had I seen this 5 years ago, it might've spared me years of grief. And to the girl being currently stalked by that loser guy-call me. I will validate it. You are NOT crazy. He did it to me, too.

You MUST KNOW THIS


You didn’t ASK for it.
You didn’t “let it” happen
You didn’t “choose” this
You didn’t “want” this
You didn’t “deserve” this
There isn’t anything “wrong” with you
You are not “crazy”
You are not “psycho”
You are not “weak”
You are not “stupid”
You are not a “fool”
You have nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrased by. HE DOES.
You are not "fucked up"
You are not a "slut" a "whore" a "tease"
You are not a "bad person"
You are not "evil"
You are not "ugly" "fat" "worthless" "conniving" "difficult"
You are not a doormat
You are not "silly" "dumb" "ridiculous" "disturbed"
You are not "man hating" "vindictive" "bitter" "cold"
You do not have "issues"-nothing close to like he does
You don't need a therapist as much as you need an exorcist after him
You don't "hate yourself"
You have been brainwashed
You have been manipulated because you ARE:
Beautiful.
Sexy.
Caring.
Smart.
Talented.
Creative.
Loving.
Giving.
Forgiving.
Compassionate.
Empathetic.
Open.
Honest.
Real.
Special.
Human.
And yes, you ARE a BITCH...Babe In Total Control of Herself!

And that's why he picked YOU.
You ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.

20.12.09

Game #12: Parrot Bay-or emotional sudoko


Often times, arguing with them is like driving into an emotional cul-du sac. You think you are making headway, only to end up going around in circles and then head right back to where you started. This is often accomplished by them “parroting” you. For example, if you say “You don’t seem to care about how what you are doing/not doing is making me feel.” They then reply “Well what about how I am feeling, what you are doing to me?” You say, “I am angry” they say, “Well I’m angry too!” You point out something they’ve said or done or didn’t do that they said they would, and you tell them how much this has bothered or hurt you. They then say “Well you are no better with your words, you haven’t always been the nicest person!”

After you have shared a feeling you have, they may tell you “Well aren’t you being hypocritical, in pointing this out and hurting my feelings in return?” Exasperated after many times of this, you may end up telling them that you think they need some sort of counseling, to which they may reply “Well you do too!” They simply can’t stand alone in being wrong, they have to find fault with you or to point a finger back at you as if to say “Yes I was wrong BUT….” and there’s a justifcation. This is to completely frustrate you-which it does-as well as put you on the defense.

Its more ways to divert attention away from their wrong doing, and have you focus on something you are doing to them. Funny thing is, you haven’t heard any complaints from them, until you yourself are upset. In other words, they aren’t calling you distraught and hurt because of your treatment to them. They are not the ones expressing dissatisfaction, unhappiness and discontent in their relationship to you, or how you make them feel. They aren’t the one’s “nagging.” You are. Yet they tend to bring up this list of complaints about you-and the first time you are ever made aware of them is only when you are confronting them on some poor behavior of theirs. You find yourself having to bring them back to the conversation much like you would an adolescent, that is, “This isn’t about me right now, this is about you.” Oddly enough, the only times they don’t seem to enjoy everything being “about them” is when you are all about criticizing, pointing out their flaws or the fact that they are lying, deceiving or hurting you in anyway. So now you attempt to find communication “techniques”-those infamous “I” statements, all of that Dr. Phil-esq sort of advice on how to have a healthy, interdependent conversation where you express your feelings, thoughts, needs and wants without attacking. Once again, you are subtly forced to adjust yourself in order to stand up for what you should rightfully expect in a relationship with someone claiming to “care.”

Game # 11: Merry Christmas! Your own emotional Santa Claus



These men are emotional Santa Clauses. They want you to believe in a fantasy that not only do they exists as good men, but that if you are “nice and not naughty”, you will get your gifts, your “reward.“ If he was everything you ever dreamed of in the beginning-you struggle to understand who this man is that has taken his place, and you believe it’s because you’ve been bad. Like an excited, anxious child waiting for Santa, this is exactly the mentality and power they have over you. If you disobey, if you are misbehaving and are “naughty”, they will threaten the way a mom grabs a phone and yells at her rambunctious children “You don’t want me callin’ Santa, do you?” Which immediately calms the kids down.

That’s what these men do. Hope you will buy into the fantasy, so enamored with the concept, the magic, the illusion and the X-mas lights of bullshit they throw your way, that you lose yourself in the “Christmas morning” prospect of your relationship to him. Not only do you believe and have faith in this mythical character of him-you are even leaving out milk and cookies, too. This could be in the form of sex, money, favors or simply your undying belief and trust and love in him-and he nibbles on them. And boy does he love it when you sit on his lap and tell him what you want. Santa did indeed show up Christmas Eve-problem is, he forgot to leave some presents. Always a “problem with the reindeer pulling the sled.” “The ex-Mrs. Claus causing me problems.” Never him.

You begin to question him with the logic that a child growing up to realize Santa may not be real does. “If Santa comes down chimneys-and I don’t have one, how does he get in? “One of the Jewish kids at school says there is no Santa.“ “How do reindeers fly?“ “How does Santa manage to get to every kid’s house in the whole world, in less than 12 hours?“ If you want to believe in this guy-and you do-you accept whatever information he gives you to answer those questions. Hell, none of your friends believe in him anymore, if you are honest about how he treats you. They think Santa is a big douche bag- and they are trying to convince you that you’ve been had. If your living together or married-you may not have any of your own friends around to see thru his game. His friend's of course, remain blissfully unaware like the little elves that they are.

If he can’t answer to your logic- because he knows he’s a bluff-then he turns it on you, again. You are being naughty again! You don’t want to piss Santa off! You don’t want a lump of coal in your stocking, or a lump on your head! This may be the point where you set him off, and he will strike you, if in fact he’s taken to the level of living with you. Or he may throw something, trying to physically intimidate you now. You don’t want Santa to just leave and not give you any presents ever-especially after you’ve waited around so long holding Mistletoe up every time you HAVE seen him.

You try and wait up for a glimpse of Santa, but you don't make it, you fall asleep. He counts on this. When there is no presents....there are excuses why. You accept them the way a child would accept them from Santa, and continue to try and be good, no matter how much Santa disappoints and lets you down. But listen-whatever “Santa” he allows you to see, is like a shopping mall Santa. Fake. The presents that are really on our list are; him showing us respect, care, love, tenderness, sensitivity, commitment or a relationship, period. The “gifts’ he gives are material trinkets, or ethereal, i.e. psychological. Even those are just a facsimile of the Santa he wants you to believe in. It’s not really him. The real good guy he claims or once showed -is about as real as the story of Santa Claus. And Fairies, Unicorns, Big Foot and the Lochness monster. But he’s got you chasing pots of gold at the end of a rainbow, scanning the skies for ufo’s and rubbing rabbit’s feet for luck. You are waiting for him like waiting for a comet- afraid if you miss your chance, it will be another 75 years that his good might come around.

19.12.09

Game # 10: Love is the drug A MUST READ


He is now beginning to play the game of "cat and mouse." After your arguments, he shows up or entices with suggestive texts, phone calls or what have-you-for some make up sex. Of course, the sex is awesome, right? He seems to be able to show his "love" for you via the bedroom, and you are all too happy to comply.

Guess what is happening here? Your own brain is working against you. Endophrines are released in your brain-like Dopamine, for example-with each of these "kiss and make-up" trysts. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter in the brain that is the addictive component to drugs. Are you following me here? This hit and quit that he does-shows up for some passionate lovemaking, throws in the "i'm sorry's" I will try harders-make you wanting for more. HE KNOWS IT. But this is no mere playing "hard to get". This is intentional, this is purposeful, and YES this can happen if you are married to him. He will often deny you sex, or, he will "give in", which you greedily lap up like a drug addict taking in a hit. You are being preened to become a Pavol's dog of sorts....where sex is now something you come to crave, because it represents all that you want from him: Approval, love, acceptance, "good." In time, he will have you so "conditioned" and "trained", that you may find yourself doing things sexually with and for him, you never thought you'd do. All while believing this is the best sex of your life.

This is especially effective if in the beginning of your relationship, you had ALOT of sex. He then isn't giving it out as much. Or he's teasing you, or he's too tired....he's witholding it. So now, when you get your 'crack hit of dick", you are even more pliable putty in his hands.

You realize, you don’t even sleep with him as often, or see him as often.  This is the “hook.” And it’s the same thing as addiction. These bread crumbs of bullshit that have you following his lead, these moments of tenderness, these tiny glimpses of seeming normality, vulnerability or a heart and soul that you get-is like a high.  During the high, you no longer question it all. You fully accept his explanations, you are “tripping” essentially that this “good man underneath it all” is who he really is, and you feel hope, promise and happiness that if you hold out, you will get more. You are his lab rat. You hang onto any feeble compliment he’s been able to give you, even though if you are honest with yourself, you realize that the compliments are mostly sexual in nature. He wants you to feel secure with that, (though watch how you are around other men)-so you will give him more of it. He has no problem “feeding your ego” in this manner-for now-because that’s the card he hopes you will play. This is further complicated by your own brain releasing these chemicals during these times.

    So far, you’ve only been able to manage being sexually satisfying to him-and now you are even wondering that- so of course, you are going to continue to do so and be bound and determined to hold onto that card. And now with this “high”, you are distorted, inebriated, under the influence, intoxicated-and of course, it feels good. It’s a relief, like an emotional Vicodin for the emotional pain he causes. A moment of being pain-free. So of course, when the pain comes back, you hold out for the promise of more “Emotional Vicodin.” Like an addict, he keeps you wanting more, with you denying the effect its having on your life, not seeing how it is destroying your health, your looks, your sanity, you think you “need him”, you think you “want him” and you wait and wait for another moment of him getting you “high.”

    And guess what? He knows it. That’s the game. Which is why if you stop calling him, texting him, stop seeing him or threatening to divorce him, and imploring with him like you would a dealer when you have a little money and a BIG craving-he will offer the hit to remind you of what your missing.

Like a drug using friend who doesn’t want to see you get clean, they will say “Hey, you are upset, come on, I got some stuff. A little more won’t hurt you. You don’t need to quit, just control it more. You don’t have a problem.” Or ,“You don’t really want to leave me, do you? I know you care about me/love me.”  If you should suggest that yes, but you don’t know if he feels the same, he will roll his eyes and answer it with a “Would I put up with all this bullshit and crazy crap if I didn’t?” Would I go through this all for sex? I can get sex anywhere.”  Would I be married to you if I didn’t love you? Again, you are given the implied threat that there are other women willing to please and service him, you should feel flattered and honored that he’s picking you. Notice the subtly of how he’s being a martyr-this “crazy crap” is certainly not coming from him.  If you still aren’t sure or you argue that point- he’ll go further.

     He might do that in a way like, “I know I gave you reason to be upset. I know I have treated you like shit. You don’t deserve this. C’mon can’t you just forget about it and forgive me? I want you to get past this so we can be together. It’s not you, its my problems, you have done no wrong!”-until next time, when the “come down” happens, when you “crash”-and he devalues you again. He raises you up, just to throw you down. The back forth/up and down/hot and cold/tit for tat/cat and mouse/ignore and chase/love and hate/soothe and abuse cycle is all he can offer you. Any resemblance to a real, loving relationship is purely coincidental and lasts very briefly. Like a drug high.

Believe me, I will cover "sex with the psycho" much more indepth. At this point though, he's got you believing its the best in the world. Yet another spell cast.

Game # 9: Getting you to change who YOU are

So next time- you change your approach. Now you’re on eggshells. You are kind, loving, humorous and “light” hearted. You say “Hey sweetie” or whatever pet name you may have for him. “I don’t mean to bother you and I know you have things going on, but I really would like to talk to you about some stuff I’m feeling/thinking, or something I heard from another- saw -with -my- own- two- eyes- today, so I was wondering if you have some time if you’d be willing to listen and to discuss it with me.”

This time, you believe, he certainly can’t say that you are being too angry, too uptight, too wound up, too “crazy”-he can’t accuse you of coming on too strong, being controlling of him, or out of emotional control, or accosting him in anyway. Surely he will now be willing to give you what you need and want-because now YOU’VE changed. You changed the things he complained about, YOU changed the “to do” list that he never really came right out and said that you needed to-it was just implied. Suggested. Hinted at, as a clue for Scooby Doo, that if maybe you DID change, perhaps he would change too. You’re not sure, because he never uses “I feel” statements. He doesn’t even say “You MAKE me like this”-for now, anyway-but the message was loud and clear-there is something deficient and wrong about you, that causes him to act the way he acts. You’ve begun to believe it.

You wonder what happened to all the accolades, the “special-ness” he had you feeling in the beginning that you and he were, the times of telling you that he’s “never felt this way before with anyone”, or that “You are the first women who….(did something great/made him feel great in some way.) You wonder what happened to the safety and security you once had that you mattered to this man, he cared about you and maybe hasn’t cared about anyone in a long time like “this”, and the sweetness and “niceness” that he quickly poured on you when you first met him. Now you feel that you must be perhaps doing something to tarnish his illusion of you, and if you just changed his complaints, he’d go back to how he was-or produce what you just intuitive “know” is there deep down, the “good” guy.

And yet once you’ve “changed”-once you’ve done a complete 180, you are torn. Deep down there is a part of you that is seething on the inside that you must pull teeth, “kiss his ass”, or have to change anything about you when he is doing YOU wrong, in order to know why, or to have your needs met-what you are rightfully entitled to know and have- and he still doesn’t. Change, that is. Give you what you need and want. On the flipside, the other part of you believes that what he is suggesting about you might really be the problem, so you begin to feel bad about yourself. It’s not him. As he is suggesting-it’s you.

Even with you changing your approach however-it will still be you that‘s the issue. You may still get the silent treatment. If he breaks it long enough to respond to you, now he will say you took him wrong, you are too sensitive, he was only joking-again, YOU aren’t getting HIM. If you don’t live with him this is easily accomplished by not returning your calls, answering your texts or emails, and you wonder why he doesn’t seem to care enough to want to address any issues between you at all. Why he doesn’t seem to see it-his role in this- or care about it. What you’d LIKE to do, is blow up his phone with texts, leave voicemails INSISTING that he face you and answer to you, but instead- you wait. That nagging other voice inside you is agreeing with him, that it might just be you.


When he finally does get around to responding to you or willing to communicate and address your grievances-usually days later-you are told “Sorry, I’ve been (fill in the blank.)" And typically, he has been doing something “busy” that would make you look horrible for being upset at his inattention. He’s been doing something for his kids/ex-wife/grandmother/mother/sister/brother/best friend/boss….he’s out running around doing for, giving good and taking care of everyone ELSE in the world BUT you. How could you possibly be angry with him for that? If you even dare to protest, he then makes you feel that there is something wrong with you for not understanding this. “Well you know that my kids/grandmother/mom/family/job etc has to come first. Maybe I am the fool to think you’d understand that.” Fool, indeed.

Game #8.5 con't......Arguing, and poisoning your well

So now he's disappointed you, blown you off, acted moody, seems distance, seems up to stuff, shutting you out, after showering you with attention and affection, implying commitment, care and adoration of you. He's told you of some issues in his life as "excuses", and you have bought into them-and by this time, have offered to help. Perhaps by this time, you have lent him money, housed him, bought him stuff, paid some bills, were extra sweet, nice and understanding and when he's let you down again, you've "let it slide." 

The part of you that worries and feels insecure about this, questions him and what he wants from you. You'd rather him just be honest and say he's not feeling it anymore-but he denies this and says it's not you, it's him, perhaps even, he needs some time. When you have argued, it gets twisted back to you, so now you question yourself: Am I being too impatient? Too insecure? Too demanding, nosy, jealous, clingy, possesive, sensitive? This is where he wants you. Yet you still desire to communicate with him, in hopes to make your relationship better. Since he's made it very clear that he doesn't INTEND on hurting you, and that you must be misunderstanding HIM....

    After he has been defensive and shutting down your needs, wants, feelings, questions, concerns and doubts and given endless excuses for why he cannot take it to a “next level“-a cooling off period ensues where he won’t call or talk for a few days….and then when he does, he acts as though nothing is wrong. He’s miffed and confused if you don’t go along with the charade that everything is fine. 


When you don’t greet him with cheerfulness or sound happy with him, if you should mention that you are still upset about the prior conversation-he wants you to feel stupid about that, too. Then you get the “Are you still mad? What is the problem, it’s not a big deal. I’ve told you over and over how I feel about you and what I am looking for from you. Why can’t you get that, and just let it go already? If I have to keep explaining and proving myself over and over, it won’t be the same. If you don’t trust what I say is true, then why even bother?” Except for this: 

He has never told you over and over how he’s felt or what he’s wanted. That’s why your asking so much now! To an abuser, the “past” is five minutes ago. He doesn’t tolerate you bringing up anything prior to that five minutes. If you do, you are accused of “re-hashing”, “what are you talking about, I don’t even remember that” or similar veins of you are ridiculous to be holding the past against him still, “you sound like my mother who still throws things in my face that I did when I was 15,” or some other indicator that you are a resentment holder, you can’t let go of yesterday, and how can he possibly feel comfortable moving forward with you, when you are so clearly rooted in making him pay for his past mistakes over and over again? 


Yet you realize that he hasn’t done anything to “show” that he’s sorry for any past hurts, in fact, the same behaviors that upset you in the past, are still continuing today, even though he may have cleaned up his act for a brief time so he can now claim that you have no right to be upset about “before”, because he’s shown he’s changed. This show of change may have last only a few weeks, if that.

    You are so gob smacked after these encounters, that you replay it over and over in your mind. You continue to doubt yourself. “Maybe I am being too oversensitive/angry/hysterical/demanding/pushy. Maybe he’s right and that if I don’t get what I want right away when I ask for it, I throw a temper-tantrum. Maybe he’s right that my approach is wrong, it’s bad timing, or that I shouldn’t suspect things without evidence or proof. I am a resentment holder unable to forgive.” You do this, because you are capable of something he is not-introspection. You are now experiencing poison in your well. The brainwashing has begun.

Further reading on Why Does he DO that?

Why is he like this?


Why. The biggest word you find yourself saying in relation to being around these people. Why does he treat me this way, why does he do this? Not just "what is wrong with him", and then the frantic search for a label, but more importantly, why? What does he get out of this? Well, besides attention, ego feed, sex, money or whatever else he sees in it for him to associate with you-it boils down simply to POWER and CONTROL. Why does he need that? Lots of theories. He has no self esteem. He's insecure. He's been abused. Its Male Privilege. He hates women. He resents his mother. He's gay. There is LOTS of theories, but the simplest one: Because it WORKS for him. Yes, maybe he doesn't feel that he could secure anyone unless he controlled them. Maybe it makes him feel more powerful in the world, if he feels he doesn't have any. It makes him feel better about himself, to have someone so mailable.

But here is the fallacy of that: Not that they ever respected you to begin with, but it is a for sure thing, that the longer you let a guy abuse you in any way, the more respect he loses for you. The more respect he loses-the more he abuses you. It's a weird dichotomy in that he wants all this power and control, yet at the same time, seems to want to be punished for it. He doesn't want to get away with it. However, should you call him out or stand up against it-he seeks revenge, he's vindictive or uses it as the excuse for why he has mis-treated you. It's a sickness. It's crazy making shit you will lose your mind over, if you don't nip it in the bud. My abuser actually said "Well you let me be a jerk, and I didn't like that." "Let?" Is he fucking kidding me? As if I had all the power and control over HIS behaviors.

But, anytime I would stand up to it-well then that is why he was treating me as he was. I was "capable" of thinking negative thoughts against him. I could be "evil."
They are the most contradictory people in the world. They will go from "I'm afraid to piss you off, because of what you would/could do to me" to "Oh, I just said that to piss you off." Well which is it, crazy pants?

When I asked him why he would WANT to piss me off, since he seemed to FEAR that so much, and then if I did get pissed off, he would then be mad at me.....his reply was "You weren't supposed to figure that out."


They do what they do, because they CAN. No one challenges them, and when they do, they twist and contort to bring it back around to the victim. They do it because they know that there are plenty of other targets out there, people who have a "tell", that they can manipulate and abuse into wanting and doing for them. They can't seem to secure love all on their own merits, they have to abuse and manipulate people into it, by fucking with their minds. Yeah, you could call that insecurity. Pathological insecurity. But, it works for them.

Feel sorry for them though-because the people they really believe they deserve to be with-they can't have UNLESS they abuse them. If you weren't under his spell.....you'd be gone. He knows it. I"m here to help people break through his nonsense. And they do know what they are doing, they do it on purpose-otherwise, why would they worry so much about exposure? But we will get to that. For now, let's get back to the game of how they argue.

18.12.09

Game #8 How the Psycho's Argue, Part one



If they still want to play with you, then they know they have to satiate your thirst for knowledge about them in some way so, they “give in.” They take all that pain, angst, longing and frustration you carry about their now werid-ass behavior, and mutilate and twist it in such a way that you actually believe that what they are giving as answers for their weirdness of behavior and thought has any validity. And typically it goes something like this:

“Well, your reactions/anger/responses/lack of patience/understanding/irritability/suspicion/lack of trust/questioning/accusing/raging/and-or life problems/issues/analyzing/PMS -is what bothers ME. Maybe if you didn’t do these things, I’d be willing to (fill in the blanks.)” Then when they have you on the defensive, they shut the conversation down. They have to “go”, “run” “have a pressing issue that has to be addressed” “on my way out the door” or simply “I don’t feel like talking about this anymore/right now/tonight/ever again.” Then they hang up. Or leave. If you are married to one, they will lock themselves in a room, garage, basement or take off for hours, leaving no forwarding information.

Perhaps they will also blame you for this: They are not willing to discuss this until YOU change “your tone” “calm down”, “relax”, “cool off”- because any approach to them that you have taken-you are wrong. You are always wrong about them, you always take them out of context, you don’t understand them, or you never listen because “It’s not what you want to hear.” You end up feeling like every conversation you are having with them is an episode of Law and Order. They may even tell you “You should be a lawyer.”

You are to feel weird and criticized for what you hoped would be the ability to have a healthy, normal exchange between two people who are sleeping together and supposedly care about each other. Silly you. Also to note, they are kings of the absolutes. You are never and always something. Just like their love/hate thinking.

This is what's called stone-walling, withholding, and ignoring. This is also and devaluinginvalidating your feelings, emotions and rights. You are trying to assert yourself, and you are thwarted. You are not getting your needs met-because YOU are not “letting” him meet them. And you begin to believe it. You begin to believe that you are over-sensitive, you “don’t know me, stop trying to read my mind”, you are judgmental and you find that attempts to communicate with this type is met by him with defensiveness. He treats the attempts at honest communication as an inquisition and a court room and may even plead “I’m not on trial here.”

You tell him “I feel like you don’t really mean what you say to me sometimes” or “You have said some things that have made me feel bad about myself”- and instead of him being bothered that he may have offended or hurt you, he is immediately and only concerned with denying your feelings, and making himself out to not be doing any of the above. It’s YOU that has the false perceptions, YOU are wrong about him. You tell him your feelings, and they are “crazy.“ “Foolish”. “That’s stupid.“ And because you are even trying to discuss how you feel, you are now making HIM feel bad about himself because you aren’t approving or accepting of him or how he’s treating you. After a long time and many arguements like this- you begin to believe it.

And this is what you'd sing...

TO A NARCISSIST.

Narcissist vs sociopath vs psychopath

To be technical, I've been involved with a narcissist, a sociopath, and a psychopath in my life. Fortunately, I didn't have my children with any of them. You might wonder "what's the difference?" As we've already discussed, it doesn't really matter much what they may be, as long as they get out of your life. But, here's an example of what you would sing to a SOCIOPATH.

Game # 7: The breaking you down begins


  • Let's re-cap the first 6 games.
  • He sucked you in, and sucked you in fast. Speed of light fast. He flattered, he charmed, he seduced. He brought you into an intimacy by "sharing" deep feelings, fears, desires, wants and needs. He related to yours. He slept with you right away. Adorned you with attention, and you are like no other woman was.
  • He made you feel special, unique, different from all others, while he also subtlysuggested what he liked/didn't like in a woman, challenging you to be one, not the other. He bragged, he showed off, he made his opinions/beliefs and desire to always be right, intimidating to you. You want to please him. Meanwhile, he gave red flags-more than a communist parade about what he's really about-and you missed them.
  • He implied commitment, or he rushed into one. Maybe you married him. He has you feeling as if it's you and he exclusively, either overtly or implied with words everyone would read into as commitment. You're "his girl."

  • You begin to see signs of a "darker" side. He's got problems with people, he's haughty, arrogant, and angry at other's alot. Other people are stupid and "dont understand me." He tells stories of his childhood, past relationships, current life problems and you may discover a personal issue, ie, drinking, drugs, financial, that rationalizes to YOU the strange behavior emerging. You want to "help."

  • He begins to control you, and the first way is to isolate you from other men. While many abusive men do this overtly, many do not-as you learned from the post.

  • Now he is beginning to push you away, and to pull away from you. You believe this is a normal sign of "cold feet", as many well-meaning relationship advisers tell you as normal men feel they are falling for you, they often retreat for a bit. You believe the same of this guy. Except what you don't know yet-this retreat is permanent. Welcome to game 7, which is.....the start of breaking down your self-esteem, worth and confidence.
By now, some of the “nice guy” bullshit has been eliminated and in it’s place, is the backing off, seemingly cold feet, distancing and moody guy. You’ve noticed mood swings, he’s come off on you for no reason at all when you haven’t done anything wrong, he’s blown you off a few times, he’s distance and rejecting your affection-whatever the source of your discontent, you know that communication is the cornerstone of any relationship to work. Yet you bring something up and it enviably turns into an argument.

He begins to find fault and is highly critical of you. His reactions to things are abnormal. Here's an example:


Shortly after I met my biggest and LAST abusive guy, I expressed to him how much I love red wine. He of course, hated it. I used to also, until I was “turned on” to a particular kind. I went to buy a bottle of It, because I wanted him to try it. If he liked it, then maybe he’d venture into trying others. I loved trying to convert non- wine drinkers into wine drinkers. If he didn’t like it, that’s okay too…..more for me. While I was at the store, I found a bottle that had his name on it. He has a rather unusual name, unusual that men his age typically didn’t have it. It was more of an “old man” name. The label said “Sweet His Name.” I thought that was hysterical, since he was a lot of things- but sweet is not something I’d ever describe him as. I thought he’d find humor in that too, and that we could have a lot of fun drinking it and seeing if it tasted awful-to which I would’ve razzed him and had a lot of fun playing with him about an awful tasting wine that’s named after his "sweet" ass.

He however, took this and completely thought it was weird. One, weird that I was giving him a bottle of wine, and two, that it had his name on it. He even asked me if I had made the label, since the design was a sketch drawing portrait of someone. It’s ironic because I do draw-but not wine labels. I was thinking to myself" what kind of a weirdo reacts this way to being given a bottle of wine?" and annoyingly thought " Oh yeah, I drew the label-complete with a bar code and the surgeon general’s warning on it, idiot." What the hell was wrong with this guy?

Instead, his reaction was so persistent and so weirded out, that I really began to wonder if it was
me. Was I being creepy bringing him a bottle of wine? Was it too soon to give him a “gift”? We had only been seeing each other a couple weeks. Was I coming on too strongly, did he take as I really thought he was “sweet” and I was like psycho-ish in love with him already? I believe that’s how he intended me to feel, and what was a very innocent gesture for someone I liked, filled with humor and the hopes of fun, was now twisted into something weird, hurtful and confusing. This didn’t happen just once- at first, anytime I attempted to be nice to him, I was met with this attitude.

When I dropped off a birthday present at his house with a girlfriend of mine when he
wasn’t home and didn’t answer his phone all day, I was read the riot act and interrogated with the 3rd degree as to what I was doing there, what it was I would’ve done if I saw another car in his driveway, what was my intentions, and that it was simply psycho that we had done that. The next day, he’s calling and apologizing profusely for getting loud, he knows that he does that, he didn’t mean to yell or make me feel like a child, he knows that he’s given me reason to react, blah blah. Dr Jekyll /Mr. Hyde. You accept the apology though, as I did….because he seems so sincere, he’s explaining things to you now, he doesn’t want to hurt you, he didn’t mean to be an asshole-and you forgive it. He’s being nice now. This is a sign in your mind that THIS is who he really is, not this mean guy that over -reacts and takes everything you do wrong, then accuses you of always taking him wrong. No, underneath the bad guy, is the good guy...right?