Maybe I am getting better. Or maybe I just realized, I wasn't and am not ready to date yet.
I started dating someone. I took it slow. We were friends first.
It lasted a month and a half.
Because after the intial "he's great to me" phase.....
I took a job bartending.
That's when the monster came out. I was accussed of wanting to sleep with every man who I served. If I talked to a guy, I wanted him. If I danced with a guy, I wanted him. If a friend took me for a bike ride, I wanted him. Or he wanted me. Didn't matter. My "body language" told him that I wanted these men-and I must be lying to him. Because, every woman he's been with has.
I couldn't take the jealousy and possessivness, and of course, saw that as the sign that it is-psycho. I did try and end it. When he came back with the I miss you's, the excuses, the romantic song on the jukebox dedicated to me in front of all-and so I thought, "okay, one more chance." Again I made an excuse for him-his last girlfriend had cheated on him all the time, this I knew for a fact. We all have some issues and insecurities. Can't hurt to give him a chance to show me different. But only one chance, I told myself. I didn't write this blog so I could go through it all again with another psycho. Besides, what are the odds of finding yet another?
But the worst part-the hypocriscy. I come to find out, that all the while he's accussing me and insulting me-suggesting that I would soon become a bar whore like all the others-he's been lying, and secretly seeing his ex-girlfriend. When she didn't see him one night-a night I was home ill-he went and stalked her home.
Lovely, no? Of course, when I confront him with what I came to learn-it was MY fault. If I hadn't been flirting with, talking with, getting numbers, etc-he wouldn't of have been doing that. When I continued to protest it-he then said "I'm done." And drove me home. To never speak to me again, as if HE's the victim, and I the one that did him wrong. And did this the day before my birthday.....conveinetly getting him out of the steak and lobster dinner he had promised to take me on.
Sigh........Thankfully, his true colors came out right away. Only a month of psychoness. No broken heart for me-but a bit of a flashback to the last time I dealt with this type-the abrupt cutting me off, not seeming to care of my feelings (though I was told while he drank, just how special I am, he's never known anyone like me, I'm different, and I just don't understand how much he cares about me.) Nope, I sure do. Because actions speak louder than words. This time, no red flag ignoring. This time, there's no doubt in my mind, I've met yet another controlling, immature, emotionally abusive and disturbed man. This time-I ain't sticking around for more.
So he did me a favor by being done. Ultimately, a much better birthday present than dinner. Still I wonder-how does this keep happening? But, the more I learn, the less I tolerate, and the minute I learn of this sort of thing-the more these types will be phased out. One can only hope.
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robert bonfils, 1960
Through the grace of God, the holy spirit and the love of Jesus, I am blessed to survive and live to tell you all of this. Blessings to all those reading this blog. RIP Jennifer Leigh Ogle, gone, but never forgotten
De-coding the psychologically abusive head games of Narcissist, Sociopaths and Psychopaths. Welcome to Psychogate.
A Disclaimer
"Abuse" is a powerful word. Yet fitting. Some of the cruelest forms of abuse are invisible, hidden, covert and ambient. I am not a professional but I have de-coded the mind invading games of abusive people. Though I don't intend on making light of this subject, one has to have perspective when realizing how ridiculous the games are. Like the little man behind the curtain of OZ, once you strip away the ruse, YOU get your power back. If you can catch it while it's happening, you can avoid becoming brainwashed and a target to these types of people.
This site is for ANYONE who has suffered from an psychological abuser...and even those who ended up being abused in more overt or physical ways. Anyone who needs healing, of any sex, color, age, creed, background or culture. It doesn't matter if you dated, were married to, related to or worked for....anyone who's been abused this way can benefit. Abuse is not a "female" problem. It is a HUMAN problem.
"WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM."-Maya Angelou
This site is for ANYONE who has suffered from an psychological abuser...and even those who ended up being abused in more overt or physical ways. Anyone who needs healing, of any sex, color, age, creed, background or culture. It doesn't matter if you dated, were married to, related to or worked for....anyone who's been abused this way can benefit. Abuse is not a "female" problem. It is a HUMAN problem.
"WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM."-Maya Angelou
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THE GAME "MOVES" OF THE PERSONALITY DISORDERED
- Accepts much from you, gives little
- Accusatory
- Admits, followed by a "but"
- Alturism-abusers will claim their weird behavior was to AVOID hurting you, they are trying to do the 'right' thing
- Always has to win, have the last say or power move
- Angry outburst
- Apologies are manipulative, not sincere
- Argumentative
- Backstabbing.
- Bait and hook-charm you, and fast
- Black and white thinking. People are either good, or bad.
- Blaming
- Breaks plans, promises, commitments. Unreliable. Undependable
- Carrys on more than one sexual relationship at a time, cheats
- Cold and unresponsive to your pain, problems or bad day, seems indifferent
- Constant contradictions, which he claims he is just innocently "confused"
- Controlling
- Denial. Denies he is doing what is obvious that he is, others mis-perceive him. Always feels mis-understood
- Devalues
- Diversion
- Doesn't listen well. Fidgets, eyes wander, checks phone, watch. Hard to pin down, hard for him to look you in eyes
- Egotistcal, vain. Claims to be insecure underneath. Shallow affect.
- Either has a lot of money, or none. These types are either highly successful, or chronic failures
- Evasion
- Excuse making.
- Finds something you can't help (family members, background, differences in general) to justify why he can't get closer to you.
- Gas lights.
- Grandious. Entitled.
- Guilt trips
- Has you questioning his sexuality
- Highly judgmental
- Hopes to make you feel insecure, especially with your friends.
- Ignoring-will straight up ignore you. Incredible self-control
- Immature.
- Impatient, demanding.
- Imply or give commitment quickly-speed of light involvment
- Intially, 'love bombs' you
- Intimidation
- Invalidating
- Is moody, hypersensitive and becomes critical of you
- Jealous and possesive, though often in covert ways.
- Knows way less about you, than you know about him.
- Lacks compassion, emphathy.
- Lots of sex games. Teasing, withholding, bragging of other 'conquests'
- Manipulates
- Mind controlling and brainwashing. Actions and words highly repetitive.
- Misogynistic, crass, womanizing, "male priveledge"
- Morality is limited, lack of integrity.
- Paranoid. Convinced you and others are out to get him, or talking badly of him.
- Passive-aggresive behaviors
- People outside your relationship think he's a "great guy"
- Plays "dumb"
- Plays the cat/mouse game of distance himself, which gets you "addicted' to him
- Pre-emptive.
- Projection of his stuff onto others
- Rationalizes , justifies behavior and speech
- Resentment holder. Doesn't forgive easily.
- Secrets, lies, fake identies
- Self-destructive and reckless 'thrill seeking'
- Selfish, self centered and self absorbed
- Sex is at his demand. Sex is often mechanical, quick and designed to pleasure HIM
- Share deeply personal ancedotes quickly
- Split personality
- Stingy with his money-to you.
- Subservant to others, always "doing favors"-except for you
- Suddenly withdrawal and 'push you away', being distant
- Tells half-truths, sins of omissions and doesn't consider that lying
- Tit for tat-will justify his wrong behaviors when you stand up for yourself
- Will only do favors if there is something in it for him, people 'owe' him
- Withholding, stone-walling
- You experience love/hate, traumatic bonding, relationship 'stockholm syndrome'
THE PSYCHO CHAPTERS
A few symptoms of psycho abuse
Thanks, HB!
Healing websites, forums and LOTS of INFO on the psychos
- S(he) Be(lie)v(d)-Escape From Abuse
- Knitting at the Guillotine
- What is a psychopath?
- Sanctuary for the Abused
- Lisa E Scott: Why does he abuse me?
- Oprah: Narcissistic abusers
- laura kamienski.blog : Narcissist's commandments
- Survior's Quotes about their psycho
- Out of the Fog
- Love Fraud: A HUGE source of fantastic info
Become a member!
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About much of the artwork on my blog
Many of my post will highlight artwork done by Jasmine Cook. Here is her bio, with information about her art and how to connect with her.
Jasmine Finberg-Cook received BA’s in Psychology and in Visual Arts, graduating with honors from Bemidji State University, Minnesota in 2001. After receiving her MA from The School of the Art Institute of Chicago in Art Therapy, Jasmine has worked in a variety of inpatient and outpatient treatment facilities as a registered art therapist with an assortment of client populations ranging from adults with severe mental illness, adult female substance abuse recovery, childhood survivors of trauma and abuse, adolescents with mental and physical disabilities, as well as, “at risk” children and teens. Currently, Jasmine resides in sunny Phoenix, Arizona were she attends to her two-year old son, creates mixed media artwork, and completes on-line courses in order to obtain her licensed professional counselor credential in hopes of one day having a private art therapy practice.
View Jasmine’s artwork on FaceBook or MySpace
For more information, please contact Jasmine directly at: Finberg79@hotmail.com
Jasmine Finberg-Cook received BA’s in Psychology and in Visual Arts, graduating with honors from Bemidji State University, Minnesota in 2001. After receiving her MA from The School of the Art Institute of Chicago in Art Therapy, Jasmine has worked in a variety of inpatient and outpatient treatment facilities as a registered art therapist with an assortment of client populations ranging from adults with severe mental illness, adult female substance abuse recovery, childhood survivors of trauma and abuse, adolescents with mental and physical disabilities, as well as, “at risk” children and teens. Currently, Jasmine resides in sunny Phoenix, Arizona were she attends to her two-year old son, creates mixed media artwork, and completes on-line courses in order to obtain her licensed professional counselor credential in hopes of one day having a private art therapy practice.
View Jasmine’s artwork on FaceBook or MySpace
For more information, please contact Jasmine directly at: Finberg79@hotmail.com
Ascension of Jesus, by Salvador Dali
Through the grace of God, the holy spirit and the love of Jesus, I am blessed to survive and live to tell you all of this. Blessings to all those reading this blog. RIP Jennifer Leigh Ogle, gone, but never forgotten
Hi Hon!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if we ever completely "heal" from going through these things. I have no answer for that, unfortunately.
I was talking with my counselor last week, about all of this and he said, "Julie, you are a smart girl and a highly sensitive person too. I know that having been through this is terrible but I can imagine that (if there is a) next time you'll see the warning signs far quicker than with him (my PD). I know you won't allow it to happen again." Of course, that was AFTER he made the comment about "the thing that is wrong in my husband,s head that he refuses to acknowledge or get help for."
I'm proud of you for seeing it for what it was so quickly and allowing it to end. I think it is human nature to want to give people a second (or third or fourth) chance..but you were smart and strong and wise and SAW it. :)
I can only hope to be that strong IF I ever allow myself to be that vulnerable again.
takes 2 to tango. relationships are built to tell eachothers' feelings & get things resolved. it's nopt going to work if you keep thinking just like u think that person's thinking. it's also hypocrocy. maybe see if they have tried telling u repeatedly ...& then ask urself how u responded. u must be doing something wrong. none of what u say sounds right. u r also playing "bad"
ReplyDeleteI wanted to wait to respond to this comment-sort of a "cooling" off period. Clearly, you have not really read through this blog.
ReplyDeleteYes, it takes two to tango. Yes, those of us who are caught up in relationships with disordered or emotionally unavailable aka abusive people, tend to end up having issues of our own. However-I'm not sure that I understand the above comment.
"You must be doing something wrong" sounds exactly like what a psycho would say! That statement alone implies that myself-and women like me-deserve things like having our cell phones and emails broken into while we sleep, only to wake up to accussations and delusions from a psycho that surely, we must be doing something wrong since we received a text from someone they've never heard of.
It implies that we deserve the cold shoulder when the psycho has done something wrong. Implies that when a psycho has been caught cheating, lying and sneaking around, that we deserve to have it twisted back onto us where they then find fault and an "excuse" for something WE did, to justify THEIR shitty behavior.
"Relationships are built to tell each other's feelings and get things resolved."
Have you ever tried to tell a psycho how you feel-and then they respond in kind? HA HA HA HA HA LOL LOL LOL. Yeah, right. You can tell a psycho how you feel until you are blue in the face-in fact, women in particular tend to over-tell their feelings, constantly seeking out a way to communicate and "resolve"-only to be greeted with a cold shoulder, ignoring, twisting, blaming, defensiveness and a belittling of our feelings (ie, "That's stupid", "Why do you feel that way, that is crazy" "You are wrong", "That's not true" "Why do you always bring up past shit?" etc.
Anyway, you clearly dont get what this blog is all about. We aren't discussing the average, NORMAL relationship.
And incidently-a psycho does not tell you anything repeatedly-except their own distorted view of things that YOU ARE NOT DOING. They don't make "I feel" statements. They don't say "It bothers me when, or "I wish you could see that your behavior with x, y and z is hurting me"-NOPE. They tell you repeatedly that "You are stupid." "You are fucked in the head." "You don't get it." "You are crazy."
Perhaps clarify what your comment intended, because it certainly didn't intend on explaining how to communicate with a narcissitic, self-centered, emontionally de-emphatetic man.
PS....the above male in the last blog posting, I've discovered, has a history of being physically violent with ex's. 'Nuff said.
Hmmm... I can only think that "Anonymous" has never been in a relationship with a psychopath. I have run into some who simply cannot understand. My clergy, when I told him about the abuse (physical, withholding food from me, refusing to speak to me for days because I drank a root beer, etc...) said, "Are you perfect?" There are some who simply dont get it. We need to move on and do what we know is right... get out!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your blog! I have started my own, simply to help me heal at psychopathiclarry.blogspot.com
Hi Billie!
ReplyDeleteWonderful for you! Blogging helped me so much to sort through all the pain and to realize what I was truly dealing with. It is a topic that like you said, most people don't get unless they have been through it. We need to bring more awareness to the subject, and the more people who find the strength to get out and share their stories, the more awareness and healing can be had....the worst part is feeling so alone in it and feeling as if YOU are going crazy-its such a weird relief to know that there are others out here struggling with the same types of people and that its not US that are crazy!!!
Good luck with your blog! I will have to check it out!