23.2.10
So, what is our problem?
They, being some "experts", will tell you that you have "issues."
They will say that your low self-esteem caused you to be enamormed with this man, and subsequently abused.
They will tell you that if you loved yourself more, then you wouldn't of stayed with him.
They will tell you that you are weak.
They will tell you that your parents are the reason that this man got into your life.
They will say that you are disturbed, perhaps insecure, and that you need psychological counseling indefinitely.
Funny thing is.....we may not have needed it, until we met him.
See, my parents were abusive.
My mother a narcissist and an alcoholic.
My father a physical batterer.
Yet, my first boyfriend, whom I dated a year freshman year of high school-treated me like a princess.
My second boyfriend, whom I date over a year the rest of high school-also treated me like a princess.
My third boyfriend, after high school, whom I dated over a year-also treated me well, and would gush about how much he loved my personality, heart and soul. That was his biggest attraction to me.
My 4th boyfriend was the love of my life. Together for 9 years. We had a daughter together. We had our ups and downs, but he too....treated me like a princess. Then he passed away in a tragic accident.
My husband, was my best friend....we were together 7 years. He treated me like a queen. We had our issues....but there was no abuse. We also have a daughter together. The marriage ended for many reasons, and it wasn't a totally amicable ending-but ten years later, I can say that I still care for him, he's a great dad, and I have no hurt or hatred towards him. He still makes me laugh.
So.........what happened?
Who can I blame this on?
The theory that my abusive parents mustve set the foundation was sorta dispelled by the fact that the majority of the boys/men in my formative romantic years and all the way until I was in my 30's-were wonderful. And wonderful to me.
My first sexual experiences were the way they were supposed to be. Within a commitment, with love and respect, and at MY pace.
My male friends also were wonderful and caring.
What did it?
Was it the death of my life's love, that created guilt, sorrow and did I blame myself somehow?
Did my divorce, which was incredibly painful though my choice, also create guilt, a sense of failure, tremendous pressure, did that lower my self worth?
Or was it the murder of my best girlfriend of 18 years by the hands of her husband, that was the final straw of guilt, grieving and suffering for me, where I subconsciously began to punish myself and thus attract the abusive men to me?
Was it a culmination of all of the above?
Maybe. Then explain how the women who have had NONE of the above-no traumatic childhood, loving parents, "normal" lifestyle, successful, independent, driven and beautiful-have attracted and been affected by a psycho.
Is it truly because we have some damage in our lives, because we "learned" how to receive love?
Because after watching my parents-evidently, I knew how to choose better.
So.....what happened?
What happened is, I met a couple personality disordered men. Maybe I felt guilt in life and so I set out to "save" people.
Maybe I learned from my dad that abuse is "normal."
Maybe I needed to subconsciously experience what my best friend and mother did, so I could understand why THEY stayed.
Or maybe, these men are just motherfuckers who know how to manipulate a woman, take any or all of the above issues that any of us may have, spin it around to press these guilt buttons, play up on our compassion and desire to help and save our loved ones, who actually utilize our grief and sorrow to suit their own twisted agendas? Perhaps because they are able to brainwash? They know the buttons, the Achilles heel of our psyche? We let them in and share these painful incidents and they run with it?
We all have insecurities. We all have bouts of low self esteem. And, with a psycho, who the hell wouldnt? You can only hear so much that you don't do something perfect, his way is better, all the wrong things you do, look like and say, and NOT be affected.
Hey, they are the ones abusing.
I came from abuse. AND I DON'T ABUSE.
Therefore, no matter what OUR issues.........
Him abusing us is NOT OUR PROBLEM.
Until later....
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I remember one particular phone call to a close friend of mine, two years ago, immediately following a bout of physical and emotional abuse. I vividly recall crying while on the phone and asking him, "How many times will he tell me that I am a worthless bitch before I just start believing it?"
ReplyDeleteMine fed off of my insecurities and used them as excuses for his violence and abuse. I kick myself in the butt every day for even telling him about them in the beginning of our relationship. At the time, he showed understanding, empathy. Hell, he even tried to project himself as a superhero coming to my rescue. For about a year. Then he turned it all against me to play his games.
It's not us. It is because of who we are that we are targeted. I truly believe that. Perhaps they get angry because they cannot show the true love, caring, compassion, etc. that we can and do show...because we are human?
I second everything above. Yes, I also think it's THEIR/HIS problem to be abusive, not that I drove him to it nor I was supposed to deserve so.
ReplyDeleteMy problem, if it can be regarded as a problem, is to be tooooooooooo empathetic. Too much. I have all kinds of friends, male and female, of all ages and condition. Anyone that comes to me in a nice way, I'll welcome him/her: I don't search for money or fame or power. I can have a millionaire friend as well as a devastated one. I'll not care. I only see the "person" in him/her.
And that was also this case. He approached to me with the best of smiles, he was gentle, he told me he admired me for some reasons that he mentioned nearly ALOUD... he seemed strong but also rather helpless... I started to feel some kind of attraction to him, as a friend, as a man, as a person, as a writer, as a professor... and I fell in the trap. And once he KNEW for sure I was firmly held in the trap, he left me there, no more polite words, no more attention, no more emails... just the necessary enough not to cut off, but always controlling me from a distance, always trying to be sure of my place through my IP number, four or five words to impress me again, some photo...
And at first I went on believing, as it's my own way with people. And helping, and caring... It's not my fault to be a good person. NO. Yes, rather naive, perhaps. I didn't know a person could be so abusive. Simply I didn't know.