Your abuser, if he didn’t marry you, probably played the marriage card with you many times. He either insinuated that he can’t marry a woman who does xyz-something he sees you doing, or, he has played with words and played word-puzzle games, hinting about it, because he thinks that’s something you want. But even if he just throws it out there with just words and no real marriage; you eat that up. He loves you so much that he does want to marry you.....someday. He just needs to do this that or the other thing, before he is ready for that to happen.
In some way shape or form, he will elude to a future with you-”Just give it time so we can both have what we are looking for and want”, “Be patient, I want to do this right, I want a happy ending”-and there you are. Subdued, submissed and fantasizing your wedding dress. However-once you are onto him, he will then throw in your face “We never committed.” If he did marry you, he will find someway to suggest that he never really wanted to, he felt that it was something he was forced into doing for whatever reasons, that he didn’t even want to make it a legal commitment, but that you insisted on marriage.
Be grateful if you never got that ring that turned out to be a noose- this falls under the heading of “Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.”
Having been married to an abuser, the only advantage you have is that at least there was a tangible relationship with him to the outer world, at least you know that no one could deny you were a central part of his life. But all of the behaviors written about in this blog, fit into the marriage schema as much as they do with a man who is simply parasiting off a woman.
Often, the children and finances distract us from what we are experiencing. When you are married to him, there are so many other ways he can distract you, by derailing the topic of his treatment of you to issues about money, children, the house, in-laws, etc, that you don’t even have the time to reflect on much of what he‘s doing. You just know you aren’t happy-and you think it’s you. Changing the subject and re-directing and forcing your attention elsewhere, onto anything BUT his abuse is his forte. Here is an arena where not only can he insult you personally, but as a wife. The way you keep the house or don’t keep it, your parenting skills, your financial choices, how you spend or save money, how you cook, etc. You don’t even have the time to think much of your relationship with him as you are too busy trying to be the wife and mother that he is suggesting you are epically failing at. But if you do have the time- you really begin to dissect these twizzler conversations, breaking them down like an outline for a term paper and going through them step-by step.
He will complain if you don’t work outside the home that he does, and “what the hell do you do all day?” and go on and on ad nauseaum that he is the bread winner, he is your meal ticket, and then he may even accuse you of using him for that…even though he suggested that the woman’s place is in the home.
So, should you decide to go get yourself an job-and when he sees that you are serious and willing to assert this bit of independence, he also sees that if you get out into the “real world”, you may find yourself something better than him. He realizes you may actually be able to afford to leave him- so even if he “allows” you to work while you’re working, he’s checking up on you, and accusing you of meeting other men. Often he will delay you from getting to work on time(passive-aggressive games) if he was supposed to take you, “something delayed him”, he will simply set out to sabotage your efforts to contribute to the home.
He will make it so uncomfortable for you to work, that you will end up quitting or will get fired. This will come back to haunt you as he then throws in your face of you being a failure, how could YOU let that happen, why did YOU choose to quit? He will feign a lot of anger and “now what will we do, we needed your paycheck, too. I can’t carry this load on my own” and if your children are his step-children, the quilt he throws on your for raising kids that aren’t his is intense. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t with this man, in everything.
In some cases-YOU are the breadwinner in the marriage and the opposite is true. He doesn’t work, he’s in and out of work, he bitterly complains of lack of work, opportunities-but doesn’t make much of an effort to change any of it. He doesn’t look for a new line of work, he finds a million excuses why he can’t, he doesn’t look into furthering an education-you are supporting him, and what he will do is sell you on all the reasons why this is a win for YOU. He will have you feeling as if he is unhappy making this sacrifice for you, but that he wants the best for you and for YOU to be happy, so in no way does he want to interfere with your career goals and plans. Getting a job or another job, he reasons, may in fact do just that. So he plays Mr. Mom or House Husband, doing just enough to convince you that his presence is needed by you. Assuredly though, he’s resenting it the whole time, and will do it at his pace, his convenience, and if you should ASK him to do something around the house, he will resist.
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