You saw him only when he wanted to see you, heard from him only when he felt like calling, was replied to only when he got around to it, got his attention and affection on his timeline and his schedule.
Voicemails got “accidentally erased.” Text messages “didn’t come thru”, or “I deleted them and didn’t even open them.” Emails went unanswered or “really, I didn’t even get it.”
He would stonewall and give you the silent treatment in person.
You rarely got a please and thank you.
He’d refuse to converse…and this was before you may have had any “rage”. It’s what led you to your anger!
When he could pencil you in.... Your life together became a calendar called “HIS WANTS AND NEEDS” and you scheduled your life accordingly.
If you instigated any contact he was always too busy, unable to do, would do later, or you simply weren’t answered at all. So you stopped. You stopped calling, texting, emailing, sharing. You let him come to you. That’s how he knew he had you-because you accepted this one way interaction.
And when you complained about it or confronted him on it, he did a disappearing act. It became an unspoken agreement that if you want him in your life at all, it is only when he makes the effort to find you and reach out to you that you can have him-and he will assume that you will always be available…..sadly, because you always have been.
So willing to take his tidbits of affection and attention, you run after the bone he’s thrown you like a cute puppy dog just to have your chance. Maybe NOW he will talk to you/love on you/make love to you/be good to you.
And of course, because you want to remind him of how great you are, you make sure you look extra good. You will blow off your plans with friends, change your plans and no matter what your day, how you feel, what time it is, what the weather….when he wants you, you are there.
He gives not a thought to what you are actually doing. I was working in an ER giving CPR to a heart attack victim when mine kept texting and was pissed off because I wasn’t responding fast enough! They don’t seem to acknowledge or care that you have a life outside of them, you are busy doing things for yourself, that you are actually out doing good things for the world, and that they might be intruding or interrupting you, or that you don’t feel like interacting at the time. That concept is foreign to them and unfortunately again, they set the trap and you nibble the cheese.
Your desire for this to work, to be different, to not be the abuse your heart is recognizing it is, responds right away, calls back right way, answers the phone right away and rushes to see him right away and typically, its you going to him. He rarely if ever has made the effort to come to you unless he really has to, like you have a young child or children at home that you can’t leave, or he has something in his home going on he doesn’t want you to know about, (like a wife or girlfriend.)
So you rush to his beck and call, losing his respect (though that’s a misnomer, as he’s never had any for you to begin with, or what little he did when he at first had you on a pedestal- he quickly lost) and you lose respect for yourself.
Just because you wanted to date him and get to know him or even marry him, didn’t mean that you wanted to end up addicted to him and emotionally battered in any way by him, you didn’t want to have to live with it and if married- for the rest of your life. And had you known what he was about?-You wouldn’t of chose him.
Isn’t this pissing you off now?
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I just want to say thank you. I found your blog a few weeks ago and read it daily.
ReplyDeleteI have been going through some of these exact situations with my husband for the past four years. He is gone now. Abandoned the marriage eight months ago.
It took him a whole two weeks to find and move in with another "woman" who is just as abusive as he. The abuse has continued online with the two of them directed at me and my friends and family. Obviously, there are now attorneys involved in this divorce process. He is in another country, was here as a conditional permanent resident. Came here to marry me and build a "life" together. Right.
I didn't see what was truly happening when he was here. After he took off one day, out of the blue, I spent months blaming myself. I'd lost everything...and I mean everything...because of this man that I loved and gave everything too.
Now, with help from a counselor and finding blogs like yours, I can see it ALL for what it truly was/is. It doesn't make it any easier, unfortunately. However, it explains a lot of things that I couldn't see for myself. I know that I am not alone. For that, I thank you! :)
I've read this twice, three times, again right now... I can't believe how exactly you describe ALL THINGS that have happened to me, that ARE happening to me, things I've done, plans I've blown off (even to accept a job because it could keep me too busy as to respond to his "probable" demands!)...
ReplyDeleteIt's exactly the same. Never have I read something so clear that could describe so well the last two years of my life.
Thank you, Psycho Bitch. I've smiled and also cried, for I could look at myself through your words, and felt so sorry for me. Hope I learn, at last. Hope I could hate him some day.
Please... WHY DON'T YOU MAKE A BOOK WITH ALL THIS? It's not a blog any more... it's a real aid, people have the right to have it on their night-tables, people should know better, and your words are the best I've found about this matter. They really HELP.
A book, please, a book.
Hugs, and many thanks!
Thank you all. I am humbled and flattered. Honestly, it started out as a book. It was my way of coping with what happened to me. Initially, I wanted to write "our story", copy it and send it to everyone he knew-and his mama LOL.
ReplyDeleteI may just pull it all together and put it in a book form, when the time comes. For now, there's still so much more to get out about it, and I've really come to enjoy the blogging. In this respect, I have no regrets for him, as maybe it was the reason for it to happen at all. Our experiences can only make us stronger for it, and for each one of us, along will come a woman in our lives who needs to know they aren't alone.
Sadly....there are too many of us. Men, too....can't deny there are some disturbed women out there as well. hug:)
Yes, we are smart women. We can grow and teach and help others. Some of us will write books, some others will read them... but we are all living great moments (rather sad, though) for us to get stronger -as you well say- and get enriched, in the end.
ReplyDeleteThank you (LOL @ "and his mama"), Psycho Bitch, and I'll keep on following your blog, while it is still a blog... and some day I'll have your book on my night table. Hugs :)