Ok, but seriously....can he ever change?

On some websites, they are very hard-core in believing that abusers can't and will never change. I am personally inclined to believe that the chances of them changing and becoming a non-abuser are very slim, indeed. I think it would take a very strong act of some sort, some major life consequence and a series of losses for them to even consider that they may have some sort of problem.

With narcissist, the chances are slim to none that they will change, because they simply don't believe there is anything wrong with them-it is everyone else. They have too strong of a programmed ego to believe that they NEED to change, anyway. If they experience problems with people, they simply move on to new people, believing that the other people were the cause of the problems. This is why a narcissist will bitterly complain about most the people in their past with whom they no longer associate with. They rarely if ever take ownership for their role in a relationship, and even if they were to see that there is something "wrong" with them-they really aren't too concern in changing it, because there will always be a new person(s) to extract what they need from.

With a sociopath, they will never change, because not unlike being born with a birth defect, they simply lack something in their emotional make-up that gives them empathy, compassion-a soul.

Now a psychopath, in the true clinical psychological sense, cannot change, but-if the "psycho-ness" is caused by other factors (ie, bi polar, drug addiction, product of abuse, etc)-with lots of therapy, self-awareness and treatment, there may be hope for change.

The problem we run into is in trying to diagnose the person we are with, and clinging to the hope that they are in the small percentage of personality disordered people that if they just got help, could become different and better people.

So, what if your psycho falls into that bracket? There's only one way to really help him then.

Don’t spend one more minute trying to force things to work between you. Accept and let go that they haven’t, and they mostly likely never will. LET HIM GO.

Look at it this way: Even if deep down you want to believe he loved you, or does love you, that there’s hope for him-you are not doing him any favors by holding onto him and letting him abuse you. People don’t learn when they are being enabled with their crap, or someone always rescues them from their choices.

I’ve had to learn this the hard way, perhaps you have too-and so does he. Your leaving him might be the biggest favor, the most loving act you can do for him, because it may force him to have to wake up to himself and the consequences of his own actions. He has to learn to grow up and take responsibility for himself, and if you are sitting there unwilling to move out of his way, continuing to be a target-he will never grasp that his behavior and actions are unacceptable.

If your child did something wrong, you wouldn't threaten to ground them, you WOULD ground them. If you just threatened it, and never gave a consequence, not only would they not respect you, but they wouldn't learn right from wrong. Sure, kids "hate you" when you punish them, but then grow up to thank you for it.

So if that man who you want to believe deep down really isn’t truly an abusive narcissist, but a troubled man who could change-you have to let him feel the consequences, hate you for it-but don’t wait for a thank you. Just move on with your life, and maybe you will, maybe you won’t see a change or gratitude, but you WILL be sending the message that you are worth more, you deserve to be treated well, you aren’t out to control and change him, because you have finally walked what YOU'VE talked- and that’s the most powerful lesson you can give him at all.

Deep down, he’ll feel it. You may never hear of it. You may never know of it. Someday, someone may look you up, seeking out your advice about him. You want to be that girl.

Empower yourself. Recognize that your life is also about choices. You do have power. Again remember this: The person that caused this much pain in you, cannot fix the pain he caused. If he was capable of this, he never would’ve done this in the first place, and he would’ve stopped the first time he saw how hurt you are, or he would’ve left you alone. Stop looking for him to fix it.

Yes, he is responsible for the hurting. Logically we think, he should be responsible for the fixing. But, he’s not. If you look closely you’ll see-he doesn’t even take care of himself. That’s why YOU tried to.