After realizing the person we are with is not "normal", or at the very least, carrying around some heavy baggage, we then begin to question how aware of themselves they are.
Of course we have said to them more than a few times "That hurt me." "It hurts me when...." and some things they do are so obviously hurtful, that there is no need to point it out to them.
Yet......it continues to happen. Whether its cheating on you, calling you names, only pointing out the wrong you do, the imperfections and then taking for granted and remaining silent on the so much more GOOD that you've done-the behaviors, attitudes and moods that have hurt you so much and continue to wear down your self esteem, go on and on. Even if he admits "I know that I've been shitty to you."
Does he? We wonder. So, we like to give it a psychological slant and think that his behaviors are automatic and "subconscious." We think that if we make him more aware-that it, urging him to go deeper as to why he has these "problems", that it will stop.
We think his colossal ego is just to hide the fact of latent insecurities. We think the tough bravado is a front to hide how scared he really is. We ascribe vulnerability and sensitivity to a man who has rarely-if ever-shown any. Isn't that crazy? That we believe that he is so caring, insecure, vulnerable, sensitive and deep feeling-so much so, that he ends up being NONE of those things. In this sense, we may just be the "crazy" one here. Because the reality is this:
He chooses to be this way.
Abusers have the ability to choose right from wrong. If he truly had a mental disorder that made it impossible to truly love and empathize with people, then he’d be a jerk to everyone. He would have no friends, his family would’ve shunned him, he’d be a social outcast.
The fact is, he does know how to be “good.” Often in manipulating you, he would be. He’d be courteous, he’d have social graces, he’d be respectful, he’d call you, he’d tell you sweet nothings. He'd do stuff for you. Evidently, the guy knows how to be nice. He knows how to “love.”
He at least can see that there is a certain pay-off in being “normal”, in being a good person. The fact that he is able to do this with anyone else at all, means that he is capable of being a decent person, he has just chosen NOT TO BE to you, and has had the audacity to suggest that is your fault. Stop feeling sorry for or having pity on him. He knows what he’s doing, and he chooses to do wrong. This makes him evil, frankly. How can you love evil?
Most importantly.....if he didn't know what he was doing, then why the hell does he get so upset at the idea of anyone else knowing how he treats you?? Because he DOES know what he's doing. He's just hoping you'll continue to take it, and not mar his reputation at all by letting anyone else know what he's really about. Which is another reason why he sets it up early in the game, that if you were to start talking-YOU are the crazy one. So he knows, sister-believe it. He knows, he hopes "You weren't supposed to figure that out", he knows and its "that guy, an alter-ego created out of defenses"-he'll give you a boatload of excuses.....but he's AWARE, and....he's really NOT sorry. Sorry:(
PS It seriously has nothing to do with his mother. Some abusers "love" their moms and are mama's boys, others hate their moms. Don't blame mama. They are usually shitty to her, too.
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WOW. Wow... ..............
ReplyDeleteYES, "the guy knows how to be nice"...
YES, "he knows how to 'love.'"
Oh, YES. That's why he hooked me. And I'm still blaming his poor mama. But... then, what kind of a disorder is it? Maybe it's a "chemical" one?
Oh, nah, naaahhh... You've just said HE CHOOSES TO BE THIS WAY. So, I must (MUST!!!) understand he simply does so because he finds it funny. It's he has decided to play this game to get what he wants, instead of asking sb for sth, and having to say "thank you" afterwards.
If only I could hate him instead of still feeling kinda sorry for him. Stupid, naive, exaggerately empathetic me. :/
Well he may be a mama's boy but the narcissists I knew had toxic moms. No matter how sweet those women appeared on the surface, there was usually some exploitative behavior on their part treating their son like an object one way or another that led to him not having a stable identity.
ReplyDeleteI know no one wants to blame women, but let's be honest, a man's mother is the first woman he has a relationship with and there are a lot of screwed up mothers out there, whether they are overbearing and smothering or cold and indifferent.
I do agree with you on this, but at the same time, there are lots of screwed up parents in the world-and many people have been hurt/abused/neglected/smothered etc by dysfunctional or absent parents. Not everyone though who is a product of an environment like this-ends up being a narcissist or a sociopath.
ReplyDeleteI wish it were that easy to explain away, but this is what kept me "trapped" in the relationship-looking for an external source to blame for how he is (mom, dad, ex, etc...) and hoping I could help him to "get help."
You are correct though that lots of these people come from dysfunctional homes. Yet, many don't. So that's why I think its best personally for me, to not focus so much on his psyche's dynamics but rather on his behavior...ultimately as a grown man, he's responsible for his behavior, not his Mom.
But I guess this goes to the nature vs nurture argument, are narcissist born or made, and really-I don't care anymore. I just want to stay the hell away from them;) hugs:)
First of every psycho including myself has experienced trauma in some way shape or form. The main reason most psychopath's remain psychopathic is because the trauma that has induced this state of mind has not been treated, after the initial trauma comes pstd post traumatic stress disorder, which in extreme untreated cases can lead people to commit horrific acts.
ReplyDeleteYes you are right about a lot of things but no one chooses trauma or chooses how it will affect people. No psycho chooses to be psycho. and the different behaviors vary depending on the type and intensity as well as frequency of previous traumas. Me for example i was physically abused by my brother, almost beaten to death hung upside down out of windows and had ashtrays thrown at my head all before i hit pre school. Then the emotional abuse and mental abuse of living in an extremely unstable family also would of added to my trauma. Then sexual abuse by my uncle at 6 yrs old. Then at 15yo i was to leave home and move in with a 65 yo man who wanted sex for money to gamble.
I never chose those things i never chose the trauma induced by these things. i never wanted the shame that comes with these things. i never understood it or dealt with it or had anyone else even acknowledge that i had been subjected to any traumas.
I am now 23yo married with a 3yo son. i am everything u state on ur list to the left, one thing i am not is in control.
and what annoys a psychopath about his wife is that after 3 years she doesnt understand that she cant help him, even if he tells her so. she can't help him and he cant help him. the only person who can help me is a therapist exploring traumas and getting to the real route of the psychosis. It is not justified but it is natural. if it was not natural it would not be possible. i am not evil, infact i am really nice when the situation is possible for it to be nice, mainly when im not alone, mainly when im not so worried about my constant troubles that im not diving deep into my psyche to fix what ever the problem is. as the wife of a psycho u have 2 options to help ur husband.
1) if ur tough enough and self assured enough. let the psycho take u into his twisted psyche help him explore it come into his world, so at least he thinks its safe to leave at some point as someone else is involved. I'm not saying be sick and twisted ur self but go into his world before u judge it.
2) get him a therapist tell them straight he is psycho and needs either medication or therapy most likely both.
any other options ie: keeping ur guard up & trying to understand with an observers perspective is pointless. u are only making him worse. doing what has repeatedly happened to him in his life.
leaving will not help him, it may help you maybe not but definetly wont help him as he will start all over, re affirmed in his belief that noone can help him.
Trauma induces all forms of psychosis.
treat the trauma don't continue with inducing more trauma.
even every day events that would be normal to the average can be doing further damage and adding to the psychosis.
I really appreciate your input and thank you for your comment.
ReplyDeleteYou are not psycho.
You have been the victim OF psychos...since you were young. That is your pattern. If you continue to read aspects of my blog, you will see that those who have been abused often take on the traits of those who have abused them-what I call "reversed narcissim."
I, too, was a victim of childhood abuse. I don't treat my partners abusively but I have had my own abusive traits (ie, verbally abusive, manipulative, etc.) You are not the person(s) that I speak of in this blog.
You-you have an "excuse." There is a reason, and understandable and forgiveable intellectual "reason" for why you are how you are. Yes, you've been traumatized. Yes, the PTSD, the depression, the anxiety, the emotional disconnect. The mere fact that you can see your own behaviors not being positive, that you are a self-proclaimed "psycho", and that you recognize that you need some help and are willing to let your spouse or anyone else in-says right there, you are not a psycho. You may feel that way-damaged, jaded, out of control emotionally, unable to truly bond, to trust-all the normal symptoms of having been moulded by abuse in your life-but I would not call you a psychopath or a sociopath-I don't like labels anyway, its just easier for people to slap one on for definition and for understanding.
I hope that you find the inner peace that you need and to exorcise your demons from the past, and realize that none of that abuse inflicted upon you was about you, your fault and that you are a worthy person, not everyone you love and trust and get close to is out to get you. I truly hope that you get the counsel you need and that you and your spouse together, can work on building a trusting, loving, healthy and "normal" non-abusive relationship.
Knowing is half the battle. Good luck to you and thank you for your imput!!! *hugs*
They were the same as me. you say i was the victim of psychos but i am not psycho. i have to disagree. If they are psycho i am psycho. We have the same genes, abusive and neglectful backgrounds.
ReplyDeleteSo they to would be suffering from reversed narcissism.
i think narcissism is not linked with the abuse or with the neglect, as many people get neglected and many people get abused, I think its the coupling of both abuse and neglect that forms narcissistic behaviors.
After all we cannot be what we do not know.
We have to experience something before we can become it.
Psychopaths such as serial killers all experience trauma neglect and abuse before they kill.
This to me shows the same constant in all psychopaths narcissists and sociopaths.
Yes i was a victim but i do not blame them, i as you said i became them. Did i have a choice to not become them?
The reality is no, i became them because they were my role models and my influences.
I think the same can be said for a psychopath, maybe a different part of the psyche in psychopaths, But as for choice i still argue that no one has ever had a choice in who they are.
You can choose who you would like to be, but u can never choose who you are.