Mostly, you can’t believe HE NEVER CARED. HE NEVER LOVED YOU. The pain of that is intensely severe. Its much more deeper and grotesque than simply having someone break up with you, or reject your interest.
All YOU think about is HIM, too-just like all he thinks about is himself. He thinks he’s super important and worthy-so did you. You focused on his anger, pain and what “you’re doing to him or not doing to make him happy”-just as he is doing with his whole life. You are not seeing reality clearly-just as he accuses you, because while you can see his abuse clearly, you cannot see that the man doing this can help it, chooses to do it, and doesn’t care.
I know that’s so difficult to accept. Its especially hard to end up demonizing someone that you once loved and thought well of. We don’t want to vilify him and turn him into a monster, we want to believe he’s just not “that bad.” Even we can do this by justification-”Well, he never hit us or raped us. So he wasn’t that bad.”
While you profess to care too much, and want admiration and attention for that, he doesn’t care at all and is eating up the fact that he’s STILL getting admiration and attention.
You’ve done reverse abuse-you’ve called him names, you’ve judged his behavior, his friends, and you’ve thrown back his issues in his face.
Any excuses about bad moms and dads, or former flames that he claims have been the scientist to his Frankenstein, you now tell him to “grow up, deal with it, stop feeling sorry for himself, stop taking it out on others”-and that YOU are now somehow superior to HIM.
The biggest problem here is that you BOTH care too much about HIM, and not about YOU. YOU don’t care enough about YOU. Only the reflection-whether you won him or lost him, helped saved him or failed, made the relationship/marriage work or not, what your friends and family will think or not, whether the woman before or after you got the better man-you’ve both been ensnared into a deformed ego dance.
They may even accuse you of hypocrisy, when you try and fight back. That “two wrongs don’t make a right.“ It’s okay. It’s about as hypocritical as hitting someone who just broke into your house with the intent to kill you, over the head with a baseball bat. When someone breaks into your mind, you have the right to defend yourself against that, as well.
When you realize that attempts to talk to your "intruder" and earn their trust repeatedly had failed, or you‘ve seen and heard just too many lies, so even if he did tell you an answer, you could never believe it-you fight fire with fire and become just like them. They will never comprehend your language, so you learn theirs and speak to them in a way they can understand. When you realize it, you hate yourself for it, because YOU ARE NOT AN ABUSER.
Abusers don’t hate themselves for causing you pain. They may seem upset, emotional or even cry about it, but it is more the fact that you are catching on to them, they were caught in a lie and what the resulting consequence of that could be that upsets them, rather than remorse or regret for the pain they cause. If they were so remorseful and regretful-it wouldn’t keep happening, they wouldn’t of kept hurting you.
You wonder over and over again, “What help is there for HIM, will he ever change?” People tell you he never will. You don’t want to believe it. Surely there has to be examples somewhere, of people who have. You don’t want to accept that he won’t, and you don’t want to accept your part in not accepting that. That’s natural, and it’s okay. That’s why it’s called “abuse.”
And we think that if he just worked on "his stuff", if we were "better", if you were just able to communicate, go to counseling, sit down and hash it out.....it could change. If you decide to play games back....become elusive, hard-to get, make him jealous, etc...you hope he'll snap into normalcy and realize what he's about to lose.
We struggle in vain to discover the reason for his maladies, and to find a "cure." Surely, with the right counseling, intervention, reading, internet surfing, support group or more love....we can bring out his demons, exorcises them, and he will be a new man.
Our love, patience, tolerance and temperament can heal him. Free him. We will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that not all women lie, we can be trusted, we can be faithful, and he will see-the goodness of love will prevail and he will find a renewed trust, faith and hope. Only in the movies, girls. Only on TV. In reality.....change is something that is elusive to these men. If in fact they are truly sociopaths-then change is something that will never happen.
Our problem is believing that he's not that bad, and that with some luck, hard work, determination and showering him with MORE love, patience and attention, becoming sacrificial lambs in our desire and need to transform him, that he is capable of such changes....or at the very least, once we ARE gone....he will realize what he had, have deep, debilitating regret, and become transformed by the loss of the "one that got away." Fantasy. The stuff of pop music, movies and romance books. Reality: Rarely, if ever happens. We don't believe that though, and live with fear and anger that the next woman, will get ALL the good, because of all the work WE did, trying to get through.
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S U P E R B !
ReplyDeleteI see I MUST work harder on this:
"... that you BOTH care too much about HIM, and not about YOU. YOU don't care enough about YOU."
Yes, I can now see it's the biggest problem, and I'm responsible for it because of my exaggerated empathy. It's so easy to understand what's happening here... WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER EVERY WORD THAT I READ ON THIS BLOG, ONCE I HAVE LEFT THE BLOG?
Grrr... I hate myself. :(((((((((
i been telling my wife the same thing, Best way to help me is to help herself, focus on her stop focusing on me. it doesnt last long, its a life of relapse and i can understand why in the end psychos go serial killing, Its so damn difficult being psycho as well as it is being in contact with one.
ReplyDeleteWell, these are interesting comments, but the problem is-that there are many people displaying these traits and the abusive, negative cycle and they don't come from any abuse.
ReplyDeleteNONE.
Serial killers are a psycopathy that isn't quite the same as what I am writing about here, and interesting to note, many of the more infamous serial killers-their backrounds have been studied and anaylized by numereous professionals in psychology and it was found that unlike the severe abuses that have been stated here-there was nothing to suggest that they would have turned out like they did.
Perhaps in many of these situations, its not unlike a birth defect-it is a mental birth defect, some synapses of the brain just not firing correctly. Maybe its more religious in the sense that some are born without a soul.
However, the typical sociopath/psychopath doesnt feel guilt, has no shame or remorse, is highly shallow and does not engage in any soul search or being self-aware. They blame everyone else in their lives for their problems, they don't see that they have any, and the hold onto anger, resentment and are unwilling to forgive. Revenge is a constant thought process for them, they gain pleasure in hurting another.
Somebody-in order to break the cycle of abuse-has to recognize, atone and work to get better. Typically this is the person who has become abusive from the abuser who is unable to express empathy, understanding or exhibit any self awareness.
So, while I get what you are saying-I am not sure that its the same thing. If you were to tell me that you are a psycho and everything to the left and don't give a shit-then I'd be inclined to agree with you. But it would appear that you seem to understand that there is something "different' about you-and that you don't wish to be that person. That's the difference between a pseudo-psycho, and a geniune will never get better will always inflict harm end up being a serial killer psycho. In my opinion only! :)