How it ended, part one

I didn't want it to end in drama. I knew that the damage had been done. I knew that I could no longer have this man be in any part of my life. He did not know that I felt this way.

He admitted that he was passive-aggressive....well, that the "other guy" in him was. He told me he was sorry that he "let me see the guy he reverts to when he's unhappy."

He also told me that it wasn't us, he wanted to do things right, but that because his grandmother was ill, and a friend of his from high school was ill, that his plate was full and I was in the back of his mind.

I NICELY told him, that I needed closure and to move on.....I needed a Goodbye.

He told me that he would regret "his ways" with me, and that he would send me pics of things via cellphone once in awhile.

That wasn't goodbye. That wasn't closure. As usual, he was leaving it open to come back. I didn't want that.

When I tried to explain that, I got laid into. He didn't have time for this sillyness. That this was "stupid." HE was just DONE. He "I never want to talk to you again!" Had nothing to say, nothing to explain, he's "not on trial."

No talking. No meeting in person. No explanations, no understandings, no "I'm sorry's." Just cut me off. Snap. Like that. 5 years of my life spent helping him, watching him lose everything and end up back living at home in his mom's basement, watching him destroy his health, trying desparately to understand him, help him be there for him-and he could care fucking less about why it was that I was letting go. He would offer no kind word, no "I'm sorry this didn't work out" just the typical "I don't know why I am the way I am to you, and I'm done trying to figure it out."

He then twisted it onto me-HE was angry. HE refused to speak to me. I was 'crazy'. I took him all wrong, I misunderstood, he wasn't like this with anyone else, his marriage had been "great", basically it was all me and all my fault for why he had to be an asshole all these years to me.

So, I decided to find out for myself. I found his ex-wife. I asked her, if her marriage had been "so great". I asked her if he was only "this guy" to me. I told her how he had been treating me all this time. I explained that I'm sure he had pre-empted me and painted me out to be some crazed love-sick clinging vine psycho that wouldn't leave him be, and that he had just been trying to "let me down easy."

She basically said that she wanted nothing to do with him, or his drama, avoided him as much as she could, and encouraged me to cut all ties with him, focus on healing, realize that I deserve better and that if she could do it, so could I.

Then through a series of strange events, I came across the restraining order she had against him. For stalking. For driving past her house non-stop, for telephone harrassment for a month straight, and for intimidating his then 4 year old son to not like, play with or have fun with her new boyfriend.

All of that occurred-AFTER she left him.

The therapy he told me he had? Mandatory counseling.

I didn't even want to know why she had almost labeled him a sex offender for the rest of his life. I found out enough.

It was as if he had re-inacted his divorce via me, turning me into him. All the accusations and jokes about how I could be a "stalker", all the lies about how the marriage was great, all the bullshit about only having been this guy to me-or at least, the worst to me-when all along, he had been a mental/emotional abuser to many.

And the topper-it was ten years ago. NOTHING HAD CHANGED with him-in TEN YEARS.

Ironically-while he would tell me that I shouldn't anaylize him, stop trying to read his mind, stop trying to figure him out-she is the one with an actual psych degree.

Needless to say-the truth was starting to become more and more evident, and the shock of much of this really did make me "crazed." Of course, I tried to confront him on it-and of course, he avoided, evaded, and threated ME that I had better leave him alone because I was "harrassing" him.

Really?

I had no physical marks or scars....but the internal bleeding and bumps and bruises ached, begging for healing.