A Disclaimer

"Abuse" is a powerful word. Yet fitting. Some of the cruelest forms of abuse are invisible, hidden, covert and ambient. I am not a professional but I have de-coded the mind invading games of abusive people. Though I don't intend on making light of this subject, one has to have perspective when realizing how ridiculous the games are. Like the little man behind the curtain of OZ, once you strip away the ruse, YOU get your power back. If you can catch it while it's happening, you can avoid becoming brainwashed and a target to these types of people.

This site is for ANYONE who has suffered from an psychological abuser...and even those who ended up being abused in more overt or physical ways. Anyone who needs healing, of any sex, color, age, creed, background or culture. It doesn't matter if you dated, were married to, related to or worked for....anyone who's been abused this way can benefit. Abuse is not a "female" problem. It is a HUMAN problem.


"WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM."-Maya Angelou

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robert bonfils, 1960

25.3.10

It can get unfucking believable


This story, falls under the heading of “Truth is stranger than fiction.” I write it, because I think it is important to be aware of just how vulnerable we can be after the traumatic ending with a disordered person, and how that seems to magically attract other tortured souls.

While going through the tail-ending of my interaction with the ‘psycho’ (I hesitate to call it a relationship, more like relationSHIT)-I received a message on my Facebook from a classmate I went through grade school with.

I will call him “John.” John, while in grade school, was not a particularly popular boy-in fact he was obese, greasy with long hair that hung in his face, and he was very quiet. Other kids thought him weird. I distinctly remember him being made fun of-and since grade school was not especially glamorous for me, I felt for him. So I was nice. Didn’t go out of my way to be, but also didn’t do anything to hurt him.

Evidently, this had an effect on him-enough that he found me on Facebook and wrote me to tell me thank you for my kindness, that he hadn’t forgotten in 30 years.

I was touched, and of course I responded. We began to engage via Facebook, writing back and forth. He still seemed an odd character, but being adults now, I found that interesting. I learned that he was a police officer, specifically, a sheriff and had also previously worked in the domestic violence unit for many years.

Seems like kismet, karma, synchronicity and a God send, right?

Naturally, because of his position and our growing friendship, I began to share with him what I was experiencing with the psycho. I mentioned to him that as much as I felt I knew the man, I realized that I don’t really know him at all. Tales of restraining orders and comments such as “Yeah, and my ex almost labeled me a sex offender for the rest of my life” haunted me-and I told John so.

John, hearing my story, told me that he felt absolutely I was in an abusive situation and he was disturbed to hear of the prior complaints from the ex. He volunteered to get information about my psycho for me-information he told me, only someone in his position could get.

I very gratefully accepted, and I realized that he was putting his job on the line. You see, not unlike medical records now-where if I were to go into a person’s chart just because someone wants to know why their neighbor Mrs. Jones was in the hospital-criminal and police records are also under the same watchdog eye. As I could get fired under HIPPA laws for entering a patient’s chart whom Ive had no contact with-so can a police officer for going into the private records of someone. Yet, he told me he was willing to do this and that he could “call in a few favors, give him a couple of days.”

We continued to talk-now on the phone, and once meeting at a coffee shop-and he hadn’t mentioned it again. Anxious, I asked him if he had heard anything back. He told me that he was waiting on a phone call and should know within the next day.

A few hours later, he wrote to me on Face book-and told me that he was sorry that he had bad news. He told me that my psycho had an order of protection for a domestic altercation, that someone had called the police, showed up at the house and arrested him. He was found guilty of the domestic violence charge, the Order of Protection was granted for a year, as was mandatory counseling. He had said in his note that he was sorry that my psycho had not been truthful, he didn’t have many more details as of yet, and that he could get a copy of the police report-”it will just take some time.”

I was stunned. Remember, my psycho had said the restraining order was on him for calling his ex 18 times, and that the judge threw it out because she never answered, and they have kids together.

Two days later, “John” text messages my cell phone to tell me that he has more information about my psycho-this time addressing why the ex wanted to press sexual assault charges. According to John, who then did phone me and told me verbally over the phone, my psycho’s ex found him online on some porn site that featured what looked like minor aged kids. John claimed to be disgusted by this, and that he received the information from divorce files that a “friend” had obtained and had verbally told him this. I wish to add that John seemed very professional, very honest, very sympathetic to me, and it didn’t seem odd that he could gather data that the general public couldn’t. He said he would now turn this over to the sex crimes unit and have my psycho watched.

I was sickened in ways I can’t tell you upon hearing this news. Stunned, shocked and I couldn’t believe it at first. John again lent a sympathetic ear, as I continued to ask “Are you sure? Really? This is true?"

I then angrily told John that I wanted to confront my psycho about all this. I asked him if he thought this was a good idea. He said if it was something that I felt I needed to do, then to do it. He had given me numbers to call of domestic violence aid, I knew where to go if I needed an OP-but the anger, upset and shock and disbelief-I had to let the psycho know that I knew. And John was okay with it. I had absolutely NO REASON not to believe what this man was telling me, and NO REASON to believe the psycho. Especially since John had no issue in me saying anything-it had to be true, right?


So I called psycho. Of course he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail, outraged, disgusted, and I was in fact, sick to my stomach. Having 2 teenaged daughters….well as I told him, I feel like how it must feel to watch a plane you just missed, go down in flames.

Of course, he denied. Through text messages, which with everything else-whenever he lied to me, it was through text. Told me that he hoped I did believe it because then I’d leave him alone, he didn’t care what I thought, whatever, fuck me, essentially. And of course, consistently denied it all.

Meanwhile, John asked to see the text psycho sent, so, I forwarded them onto him. He was saying “ah, of course, denial.” And then said “Lies as easily as breathing.”

But I was confused. Not because my psycho was so convincing in his denial-but something just rang off to me. I thought at the time, I simply was in my own denial and did not want to believe what I was hearing. I knew the man I cared about was disordered in some way, but a batterer? A pedophile? I just couldn’t accept it.

So I nicely took John up on his offer. His offer of “I can get the reports, it will just take some time.” He resisted a bit-and that’s when I knew. Suddenly, his “friend”, the informant, was getting cold feet. Wasn’t sure he wanted to have a copy circulating, wasn’t sure what I’d do with it. I re-assured John that I wouldn’t do anything with it other than read it, but for my own sanity and piece of mind at this point, I needed to see the proof. John’s initial response to me was “Well, will that be enough then? Or are you going to want more info? What will convince you that this man is a piece of shit?”

I basically begged him for the report, trying to logically explain to him why it was necessary for me to SEE with my OWN EYES, not only the police report but anything else. He finally conceded and agreed to talk to his “buddy.”

DAYS went by. Again, I waited. I had the patience of a four- year- old waiting to open birthday presents, but I paced the floor and waited. I will tell you what though, after being kept and waiting by asshole all these years, I HAD no more freakin' patience and I stupidly thought that if all people would understand that, it'd be a fucking cop in domestic violence.

Finally, after being put off-I suspiciously asked John if he was in fact, a cop. After all, I had no proof of that, either. He got very ANGRY with me, sent me a link proving his employment, and was highly insulted that I questioned not only his integrity, but his honesty. I ended up practically begging him to forgive me and to try and understand and be sympathetic.


At the same time, the warning bells were going off in my head, as I became angry with him, too. What the fuck? I wondered. This guy actually worked in domestic violence (oh, he had many stories for me) so why is he so offended and shocked at my reaction to all this? And what’s with the secret squirrel bullshit and making me chase and beg for conformation of the stuff he’s told me and offered to get? I implored him that I didn’t even need a hard copy-just read to me what it said. Details, such as the address this occurred at (I would know, John wouldn’t. ) And he had excuse after excuse for not producing this.

In horror, I realized that he may also be playing me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I nicely called him and said “Look John. If you made this up to help me, I forgive you. If you just wanted to see me away from some bastard and you thought that I would need something shocking to do it, because you’ve seen too many women in denial, I get it. I understand, I won’t be mad, but I really, REALLY need to know the truth here.”

He told me in no uncertain terms would he ever lie about something like this, and went on and on ad nauseum about honor, dignity, valor and being a cop and blah blah.

I basically gave him a chance to come clean-and he didn’t. But this still did not sit right with me. It was in fact, totally disturbing and adding to my nightmare with psycho-especially thinking that this cop may have just aided and abetted my psycho in helping HIM look like I’ve lost my fucking mind.

I ran this by a long time friend that I did trust, who happens to be a family law lawyer. He said “I don’t understand why he went through all that with you, because everything you are telling me is available by public record. Any police report, order of protection, divorce proceedings-all you have to do is go to the court house and you can get copies of all of it, no middle man, no sneaking around, and if there is a story to tell, you can read it for yourself. Might be worth a trip to the courthouse, because they BOTH sound like they are full of shit.”

So, I went to the courthouse, not telling either one I was. There was no police report-because there was no conviction of domestic violence. My psycho told a half-truth about his restraining order-but the real truth was not from him, OR FROM THE COP.

As far as the sexual offender threat, I still have no idea on that one, but I’m pretty sure that psycho wasn’t online at the time, because it was over 10 years ago, and he just recently got an email address, period. If he was online doing porn-well that would be the most computer or technology savvy I’ve ever known him to be. I didn’t even care to know further because what I saw with the OP was enough.

Now however-I evidently had TWO sociopaths on my hands.

I went to counseling, a wreck, crying the first day, feeling they’d think me absolutely mad- lost my marbles- out of my mind- psychotic, because I was now reeling from the betrayal of the cop. Once he knew that I found out it was public record, he deleted his face book, blocked me, changed his numbers and I never heard from him again-only to learn that he told a mutual classmate “She’s a psycho.” Of course. Always, right?

This guy totally lied to me, lead me on, and then let me confront my abuser with these lies, and I'M the psycho? Just like John said about my abuser-"Lies as easily as breathing"-projection, they are pro's at it.


I wanted to press charges. I was sickened at the idea that this man had worked around and with women who were victims of domestic violence. I wondered how many other times he had abused his badge. Was he just that lonely and pathetic ? Indeed, he was still obese and greasy as he had been 30 years ago. Did he need my attention that much, did it make him feel powerful to be needed, to be chased, to have something I needed that only “he could get?”

Perhaps-but he LET ME CALL PSYCHO AND MAKE AN ASS OUT OF MYSELF-AFTER he knew what I had already been through. And that is just straight-up evil.

My counselors made me really think hard about it-because he actually scared the shit out me. My disordered one never made me feel threatened about my life and welfare, only my emotional life and welfare, but I didn’t fear for my life-that is, until John made me feel that I might need to. Hysterics would be an understatement for what my counselor saw.

I opted against pressing charges. Other than the actual Facebook message of slander against my crazy one, the rest was hearsay. I was already reeling with the insanity of dealing with the one, this added to my plate really put me over the edge and I when I say that I was paranoid of people for quite awhile-I don’t say that lightly.

I never confronted the cop again. I felt guilty but then again for my own self-preservation, I just couldn’t fend off two psychopath/sociopath/narcissistic/passive aggressive whatever disordered label there is anymore. I was, for lack of a better expression-fucking exhausted.

You know how in the midst of this, your loved ones will tell you “They will get theirs, their time will come” “what goes around comes around” “You get what you give”, etc, and while you usually believe that, you find that annoying and trite when you have been thru psychological abuse?

Well, it came true for me. I received word 2 weeks ago that John has died.

I felt nothing. Still feel nothing, except relief, that he will never be able to do to another vulnerable, hurting and already abused woman what he did to me.

Karma. SHE’s the bitch.


My suggestion for you-is once it is over with the psycho, that you stick to the people you know for awhile and don't let new men in, no matter how innocent, "nice" or friendly they may be. Give yourself at least 3 months to come out of the shock and horror, because there is something about this experience that makes us exceptionally vulnerable to new abusers. I don't know what it is, I can only speculate and analyze like the rest of us, but I truly believe its not the best time to make new friends. Stick with the ones you love and trust for awhile. Believe me, the cop wasn't the only one. It literally is enough to make you go crazy, so protect yourself and be a little anti-social for awhile.

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely! I know how hard it is to WANT to trust again and feel that, at times, you literally have to force yourself to smile and interact with other people in public after you've been through this type of abuse.

    However, in my situation, the hyper-vigilance for that first three or four months after he was gone probably helped me a lot. I knew, deep down, that I couldn't be good for anyone else in that emotional state. I also knew that, despite watching my "husband" online hooking up with other women within a week or two after leaving, I couldn't do that. I couldn't comprehend how HE could do THAT, if he was as confused and upset about it all as he claimed to be.

    Taking that time to yourself and sticking with family and trusted friends is necessary, I think. Not only is it very difficult to trust again, no matter how much you want to, it hurts even more when you put that trust out there and have it stomped on all over again.

    I've always been taught and lived by...and learned...that trust should never be handed out on a silver platter. Trust is earned and grows over time. :)

    I'm sorry you went through that while still coping with and healing from your psycho, my dear.

    ReplyDelete