OK...here it is.....my very unconventional psycho story, pt 1

This will not be easy to share. As I wrote it, and now as I read back, I wonder why I didn't just run the very first night. There were so many signs in retrospect, that it really floors me that I got sucked into this. It is difficult not to beat myself up-and its even more humbling to share it with the world. However-I do so, because I hope that one other person may understand, or at least be comforted that they are not the only ones to be "stupid". My story is NOT traditional-we were not married, we weren't living together, hell, you could barely call it a relationship. Yet it happened, and I know that there are other people out there who have had similiar situations. I often wonder how I got sucked in, and why. Now I think that maybe it was because it was an experience I was meant to go through, in order TO share it-because one thing this story reeks of-is psycological abuse.





I met him, because my friend that I worked with, wanted to set me up with him. Her sister was friends with his sister, and they had all gone out one night.”You two would be perfect together” He’s a very good looking man- and he’s a really nice guy. But he falls fast. I think you two would be great together, he needs a good woman in his life who isn’t a total psycho. You two have the same goofy loud personalities, but I don’t like his mouth. Talks too much, and talks too much shit. I don’t think he’s really like that, though. I want to set you up with him.” After a description like that-I was in no hurry for her to do so, and I never pressed the issue with her further.

So we met when they were hanging out one night at a bar, and she called me. I will call him "W". W and I had a strange conversation where he told me that he liked women with kids because it meant they weren’t trying to jump in too fast in his life and settle down and make babies. But we also joked around and discussed strange things and I felt very comfortable with him, as if I had known him for awhile. It was not the usual “first meet” banter, and I should’ve seen the red flag when he told me of a time that a girl showed up at his house with another for a threesome, but he had to turn her away because there were kids in the house. It’s funny how in retrospect you can look back and see all the signs, the foreboding of things to come-but you shrug it off at the time as being drunk, weird conversation tangents-but that’s not usually the kind of thing you share with someone the first time you meet them.

Still, I chalked it up to being in a bar drinking, and not certain how the conversation even had led to that, it just seemed to be an indicator that he could be very open and we somehow clicked like that. But the biggest red flag I should’ve seen was when my friend told me they were going to take off for awhile to do some cocaine. I started to roll my eyes and said “Well, forget that idea (of him and I dating) no thanks.” She jumped in and said ‘No, its not like that. I would never steer you into that, don’t worry. He only does it on the weekends when he doesn’t have the kids. He’s got a job, and a house, he’s secure. If I thought he was a big druggie I wouldn’t set you up.”

As they were leaving, he told me not to take it personal, he’d love to stay and talk some more, and that we’d all for sure hook up again soon. A couple weeks went by and he called her at her work and told her to give me his phone numbers. She told me “wow, he must really like you, saw something he liked, because he told me to give you his numbers. He’s not like that, especially BOTH phone numbers. You have to call him!” She and I went out that night, and she tried calling W to come meet us, but he said that he was too tired and would love to, just had no energy. A few hours later, he called my phone (as she had called him from my cell) and left a vm that he wanted to know if we were still out and about, he got a second wind, and to either give him a call back, or call him tomorrow. By this time I had just gotten home and was tired. I didn’t call him back, but I did the next day.

We started out by making plans for again going out in a group, my friend wanted to go to a club, and I called W to see if he wanted to go. He didn’t seem too enthusiastic to go to a club, and said to call him back later to see what was going to go on. By this time, my friend actually decided she wasn’t feeling well and was just going to stay in all night. I called him and he still wanted to go out, so I said “Ok, what bar do you want to meet at?” He still didn’t seem up for that as he said “Why don’t you just come to my house?” By this time it had started to snow heavily and was Thanksgiving eve-which I had forgotten is the biggest party night of the year so the bars would not be somewhere I’d want to go. But this was another red flag and I should’ve listened to my intuition that told me that going there would send the wrong message about what I’m looking for, and considering I don’t even know him, is a strange first “date.”

So I resisted at first by offering to come by the house, pick him up and get a beer somewhere nearby where he lived. He somewhat agreed to this as he said “Ok, yeah, just come on over here, we can have a beer here first and then decide on where we want to go.” He offered me a beer and we sat at his kitchen table when the first thing he asked me was how old I was. When I answered, he said “Oh, I thought you were older than that!” I mention this for a reason.“Let’s go downstairs, its more comfortable”, to his basement den. After the 2 beers and the conversation I was relaxed enough to do so, though it was at that point I knew we wouldn’t be going out to any bar.

And he was doing cocaine. Not in front of me, but he was high. In fact his doorbell rang at 11pm-he ran upstairs, 5 mins later came down and told me "Oh, that was some buddy he wanted to talk about storing his boat in my garage." At the time, I accepted this. Now I look back and think that he had someone drop off some drugs to him. He kept running upstairs to use the bathroom-telling me that he didn’t want me to hear him pee, as there was a bathroom downstairs. And I suppose as a result, this is why he was so talkative, and shared so much information that now in retrospect, I should’ve really flagged-you know with that red one.

He told me about his divorce. He had wanted it for awhile before it happened, he claimed, and that they fought a lot. She came over to sign papers and they drank wine and had “goodbye” sex or whatever and it was really good then. He told me that he met a woman he started seeing, who ran a background check on him. A prior restraining order had popped up-and she asked him about it. W thought that this was crazy. I questioned that- as to why. In my mind, in this day and age-it didn’t seem to be so crazy that a woman would want a background of a man. He said that it wasn’t so much that she ran it, it’s the fact that she then told him about it that he thought was crazy. But in my mind, she was giving him the benefit of the doubt. She obviously had some interest in him to even be asking, and was willing to listen to see if there was a story behind it that made sense, if it was innocent. In other words, she didn’t just see it and blow him off. Knowing of him what I know now, I know that he was just pissed off that he would be put on the defensive and have to explain himself to anybody.

I didn’t ask him what the restraining order was about-he volunteered as he went on to tell me that he and his ex-wife were fighting during the divorce, and she would not take his calls. He had apparently been calling like 18 times, and she wouldn’t take one of his calls. Because they have kids together, and she was blocking him from information about the kids, he freaked. And according to him, the judge had dismissed it all as bullshit by asking “How many times did she answer?” as to say, that it wasn’t harassment if she wasn’t answering and wasn’t willing to communicate with the father of her kids.

He also eluded to, without going into any great detail, how she had “almost labeled me a sex offender for the rest of my life”-something in retrospect I should’ve pressed him for more of an explanation on. At one point through out all of this, he said “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this” but he went on.

He told me about his father and how he resented him and had no real relationship with him, his father had cheated on his mother, and he was an asshole, and that it was his uncle that was more of a father figure to him and he wished his uncle had actually been his father. He said that even with any temptation, he had been completely faithful in his marriage and never cheated on his wife. He talked at more length about relationships he had had, but in the context of the flings.

There was one girl that he ended up rejecting, and while he didn’t really say why, he pointed out that he didn’t like how she had driven by his house one night. I’m not sure how he knew that, I think he said he had seen her drive by. He said “I know that she didn’t mean any harm, and she probably just wanted to know where I lived, but still.” It didn’t occur to me until the next day to wonder why she didn’t know where he lived, or why she had never been at his house, yet here I was, sitting in it. I didn’t know but assumed that they were “dating” or were sexually involved because why would a woman want to know where a man is if she didn’t have an interest?

He explained to me that he was actually shy, though he didn’t appear that way, that he was often accused of being loud, and told me “I’ve been told that I’m too controlling.” In retrospect, it is truly amazing how people will tell you who they are almost immediately, if you are quick enough to catch it.

At this point, he had run upstairs at least 3 times so I then asked him about the coke use. He started to dismiss it when he then said “No, you know what, I’m glad you asked, I’m glad we are talking about this.” He joked that “I’m the fattest coke addict I know.” He told me honestly? that for the past year, it was getting to be a problem and a struggle to stop. I didn’t press on about it at the time-and why I didn’t see that as the biggest red flag of all is beyond me. Its when I think back to times like this, that I wish I could get into a WayBack machine and re-do, un-do and re-think what I’ve done.

He said to me that even when he’s not on cocaine, he’s been known to talk a lot then smiled at me, moved closer to me, and kissed me. As he’s kissing me he told me that he had a really big bed upstairs that would be even more comfy than the couch. At first, I hesitated. He pulled back and said “No, I like that. That’s a good thing.” And then kissed me again. I still said that I wasn’t sure I wanted to just jump into bed, when he joked that he’d still respect me in the morning. After the beers, the conversation-how could I not feel like I knew this man a lot more than I would many others on a first “date?” It was very comfortable. I thought he had opened up to me like he did, because he felt that too, especially as he’d look at me and wonder how it was he was opening up to me like this. I felt comfortable, despite all I heard that should’ve warned me-and he was adorable. We seemed to have had a lot in common. Except I’ve never used cocaine.

He took me upstairs. He then told me “I’m very intuitive. I’m a really good judge of character. You are the kind of person that I would want to have over, you are the kind of person I would want in my house, in my bed, to spend the night-you deserve to get fucked.” Which I should’ve seen as another red flag, because what is this “deserving to get fucked” thing mean? In retrospect, is sex something that you give to people because they deserve it? Does that mean you withhold it if they don’t? Is sex used as a weapon with this guy? You’ll see why I ask that later.

And he started kissing me and told me “This is all about you tonight.” But it didn’t matter, because he couldn’t get it up. And it wasn’t “about me”, because he didn’t do anything to try and satisfy me in any other way. Had “coke dick.” And I was actually somewhat relieved that we didn’t really have sex, because that wasn’t something I really wanted to be doing with people I didn’t really know anymore. I did know that I wanted to see him again-and not because he needed to finish what he started, but because for some weird reason I really just liked him. He was charming, and gorgeous. Even though he went on and on describing the things he didn’t like about this woman or that woman, and that’s why he didn’t go out with them-I still wanted to, even though I laid in his bed thinking “Well, what shallow superficial thing about me is he going to end up finding and reject me for?”

He had already on that first night, set the tone that he was incredibly picky, his standards impossibly high, and already presented a laundry list of things not to do if I wanted to keep his interest.

He called me a couple nights later, to come over to see him again. We talked a bit on the phone and I told him that one of my favorite shows was on, so if he wanted me to come by, we’d have to watch that. It was all in good fun though I was half serious. He told me “no problem!” and so I went over there, and we didn’t watch a minute of it. Again we sat and talked. I should say, now looking back at it-he talked, I listened. About the only thing he had learned of me that first night was that I had been writing a book about to be published. Essentially a fictionalized account of true stories-of my life. He had said “I really respect that you could write a book about your secrets, because I have some secrets that I will never tell.” That right there is concerning-as they say in pop psychology-you are as sick as your secrets.

In any event, he continued to talk and talk-again, being on cocaine. And he went further into his relationships with other people. I asked him who the big love of his life was. I think they had gone to high school together and it was right after his divorce that they hooked up. I’m not certain what happened in the relationship to end it, other than she moved to Arizona and he considered going except that he couldn’t leave the kids. He told me that he was great friends with another woman, and that they talked on the phone everyday. I think they had been more than friends, i.e., sleeping together-and I’m not sure why that didn’t turn into a relationship. I do know that she ended up showing up on his house one Xmas eve, wanting to sleep with him, and he told me that he had turned her down, because she was now engaged to someone else. Apparently she had told him that whoever he does get involved with, she would have to meet to give her stamp of approval. Like I’d want some cheaters’ stamp of approval.

He explained again about the woman and the 3some. A girl who he said “Was the shit”-where they had been discussing having a threesome together. “She finally got the courage to do it”, he said,” And showed up at the door with a friend, but kids were in the house, and so I said I couldn’t. And she never talked to him again. “I tried calling her a couple of times, and she didn’t respond, so I just let it go.” And now in retrospect, I wonder if that wasn’t just the icing on the cake for her. Because it seems unreasonable and illogical to not understand that kids were in the home, a buzz kill for anyone in terms of that sort of situation. So for her to completely cut him out of her life for that, seemed odd to me as I thought about it, and now knowing what I know, I’m sure that there were other things he did, said or didn’t do or say that made that situation the final straw. Because people just don’t stop speaking to you again forever over something like that.

He bragged to me how once in the same week, he slept with a 56 year old woman, and an 18 year old girl. “She had a nice body though,” in reference to the older woman. “Just her skin was sagging a bit.” I don’t recall how he met the 18 year old or what happened with that, but given that I have a 17 year old daughter now I’m a bit freaked about that, of thinking that he could be shitty to an 18 year old. And I’m not sure if this is the same older woman he was referring to when he told me at a later date that he was with, an older woman who got pissed at him because he couldn’t get it up. He explained that’s what coke did to him, and that he had used Viagra with a previous girlfriend to try and offset it. When I asked him why he’d used the coke at all, he said “Well, I can tell YOU this, but using coke made it easier not to be with women when they wanted me to be.” A statement to this day, totally confuses me.

He was really fucked up at this point-drunk and high, and then as I sat on his lap while we were kissing, he started muttering how stupid he was, how he always says stupid shit. He kept whispering under his breath “It’s just been so long, its been so long”. At that moment he seemed tormented in a way, vulnerable like a little boy almost, bruised and that he hid all that behind this incredibly arrogant and shallow egotistical shell. His self worth seemed low and that he beat himself up all the time. At that moment, I saw myself in him, and so I was highly tolerant of what I had been hearing, figuring that like me, he ended up in these weird situations because of all the issues he was having with intimacy, being hurt and getting close. It just made me want to hug him forever.

I dismissed all of my concerns-because I thought he was just “messed up.” I figured as I got to know him more and more, some of this stuff might make better sense. Now I know just how odd and weird it is, that after two nights-I knew ALL of this about him and all the women in his recent past.