The psycho story, cont

He went on to ask ‘So do you feel weird about the other night?” and I answered honestly- yes. I said “I’m just wondering why you called me.”

Instead of being willing to answer that nicely and honestly, he replies sternly and shitty “Okay, talk to you later.” I said “Wait wait I didn’t mean it like that” though I did, and thought it was a fair question. He mimicked that thought by saying “No, that’s a fair question. I mean, it may sound weird, but I thought of you when I got horny. You were wondering what J had that you don’t. I didn’t see it like that. I sat here and asked myself, What is wrong with Psycho Bitch? And there is nothing. There is nothing wrong with you. Let’s just see what happens.”
I interrupted him with the mention of J and told him that he’s nice to the wrong people, he’s selfish with me, and that I don’t have feelings like that for him anymore.”

He says “Well, I’m kind of glad to hear that.” I asked “Why?” He said “Because this would be wrong then.” Wow, nothing like finding out how the woman feels after the fact. What if I had said “oh, I’m in love with you?” he didn’t seem worried to find out how I felt before he tried fucking me, if it was so “wrong.”

I ended up telling him that I felt uncomfortable when I called him, and I was. It was like walking on eggshells. I liked how I felt when I was actually with him, but the way the treated me and the controlling, the comparisons, the judgments about me, the yelling, his ego all took a toll on my self esteem. I was afraid to feel like I was myself, and I was starting to feel like I had to act like someone else or to do things he would label as “cool.” His feelings seemed to be conditional, and I was feeding into the belief that I had to be something or someone I wasn’t to please him. He told me “That’s crazy. I don’t want you to be anything BUT yourself, because I like YOU. And if you feel this way, then why do you want to be my friend?”

I still can’t answer that in a way that makes sense, but I know you women out there get it. That, and way to twist it back unto me.

He reassured me that I could call him and he wouldn’t get weird. I was hesitant-but I took the risk and called. I’d call to say hi-and he wouldn’t call back. One night I called HIM for a booty call-and he was too tired. Didn’t feel like it. When I wanted to talk to or see him, he was never available or up for it, but his sense of imposition, expectation and entitlement when it was the other way around was unparalleled.

If I called him, as I did on a Saturday afternoon once, to see what he was doing that evening, I would get no call back, not even a “Sorry, I have other plans.” Just would straight up not return my calls. He never offered to do a rain check and do another time. I remember I called him 3 weeks before my birthday, asking him if he’d like to join me and our mutual friend for a celebration of both of our birthdays, since hers is a week before mine. And when I did that, I got “We’ll see. Maybe if I don’t have other plans.”

3 weeks in advance and he’s telling me he might have other plans. He wouldn’t say yes. He was blowing me off, hiding something, not responding, avoiding me. He would be the one that reached out to me, he was the one that made it seem like he wanted to try and hang out and see what would happen, and now when I bit the bait, he’d withdraw and make me chase. And when I would ask why, I would be told that he’s “testing” me.

By this time it was now May of 05. His birthday had been in January, with the infamous dropping off of the book. And he was telling me that he hadn’t used cocaine since then. So then, what could be the reason for his behavior?? He also said that he wasn’t with J anymore at that time. So, what the fuck?

It was starting to all build up in me like a pressure cooker, and I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted to end it. But I wanted closure. He would never let me come over to talk to him-I tried. If I tried to talk to him on the phone, he’d find a way, an excuse to get off the phone, or hang up on me. I felt I had no choice but to write it, I wanted to confront him to his face, or at least via the phone, and he wouldn’t let me. I was sick of being a doormat. I freaked out, as his crazy-making shit was designed to do. He had made me feel so badly about myself, made me feel that there was something wrong with me-though he would SAY there’s nothing wrong with you, after telling me all that was, and his actions said otherwise-and finally I blew.

I photocopied about 75 cards I had from various people over the years thanking me for being their friend, thanking me for being a great person to them, and I copied them. Along with a thing from online about mental abuse. And I called him. I warned him. I said I wouldn’t ever go to his house unannounced, and this wasn’t unannounced. I couldn’t take anymore. He would set me up to react. I was doomed to fail from the get go. He’d be an ass, Id react like any woman would, then it would be my fault and he’s rejecting me because I reacted. Meanwhile taking NO responsibility at all for his role in it, or just what a selfish bastard he was being. He never really cared. He was just using me as a rebound, I wasn’t good enough when he wanted to be with J, but I was good enough to call at 1 in the morning. He didn’t know or bother to know anything about me but was sure to point out all the things he didn’t like about me, and how he questioned the kind of person I was, all because we had dropped off that book to him. He never failed to bring that up.

I was on fire and he was shocked. He had no idea where this was coming from, what he did or didn’t do to earn this wrath. I was now the one yelling at him. He was telling me “Stop, its not worth it” and then “Well if this is the kind of person you are then I am GLAD we never hung out.” Once again, making me the crazy one, the wrong one, the one not worthy, now I guess I don’t DESERVE to get fucked, gas lighting and playing every psychological game in the book. He warned me “Don’t you dare step foot on my property I’ll call the police.” I just laughed. I’d be gone by the time he dialed the last 1 in 911, I was just going to finally SHOW him the proof of his TESTS, he questioned what kind of person I am. See-they do make us “crazy”.

When I arrived and he answered the door-how scared could he be-I threw the packet at him, and said “THIS is the kind of person I am, now lose my fucking number.”

Yes, it was “psycho.” Yet I remember him asking me out of the blue one night “You’re not the type to get revenge, are you? And I asked him why he would ask me that. He went on to say “well, you know, I’ve had buddies who when they’ve had problems with women, the women have tried to do some crazy stuff to get back at them.” I’m thinking now that those “buddies” were probably him.

And I went on to try and forget the whole fucking mess, meanwhile, I was feeling guilty. Don’t ask me why. Except that I have a soul.

I found out through the grapevine, that W was calling around for coke. After telling me he now hadn't used it in almost 6 months.

It was then I was able to fall back into my denial, believing that this is why this all made sense now. He had never quit the cocaine, like he had said. I called and left a voicemail that I was concerned to hear this, I was sorry to hear this, he was better than that, but at least this all made sense to me now.

He called me back and denied it. “No, that’s not the case. I know you are concerned, and that’s cool. I actually called this guy about a business thing. We are friends too, its not just me getting stuff. It’s not a struggle to not use,” he said. “I mean, it was always more psychological than it was physical, but no, its not an issue anymore, you have nothing to be concerned about.” And while I was glad to hear that, I guess now I had to believe that he was either a lying addict, or a complete asshole. Neither of which I deserved. And as far as the being friends thing with this guy, this guy told my friend that I heard this from, that he didn’t even like W, and that W bugged the shit out of him all the time trying to get shit. And I met one woman who knew him who said “He’s no good.”

Me and my friend go out to shoot pool, where she was going to be meeting up with her sister’s ex husband. I go to the bathroom, one of those single stall types. So next thing I know, my friend is pounding on the door to let her in, she says “Fucking W is here” and I open the bathroom door to him standing there, his arms open to hug me. He was hanging out with my friend's brother in law. So I gave him the hug.. I didn’t want to be mad. I still felt sorry for him.
My friend was sorta harsh on him and so he turns to me to say “What, you turned my friends against me?” No asshole, you turned them against you. I don’t have that kind of power over people.

We all played pool and I wouldn’t be his partner, and he says “Oh, she doesn’t want to be my partner?” and he seemed shocked. And as he played and missed a shot, he seemed all pissed off that he did. And I straight up asked him” Why! Why were you mean to me like that?” and he replied ’I don’t know. There’s a lot of women I should’ve probably been mean to and wasn’t, but you aren’t one of them.” Then of course, he didn’t want to discuss it any further, yet seemed perplexed as we were all leaving why I didn’t want to give him a hug goodbye.

So he called me as soon as he got home. He told me that he knew on the way to the bar that I would be there, and he still wanted to go, he did want to see me. He didn’t want me to hate him, it bothered him, that the whole thing bothered him, that both me and my friend thought bad of him. He told me that it was nice to see me, even though it was weird, but that it was nice to see me again and couldn’t we just be friends? Can we just see? “Cant you just forget about it and forgive me?”

Foolishly, I accepted his apology, though he could offer no reason why he was shitty to me. And within a week, we were back to arguing. Because none of this was so easy for me to “forget” about. I wanted to talk about it. He wanted us to be “good” again, and the only way to do that would be to discuss some of this shit. He wanted no part of it. He snapped on me and wouldn’t not let me finish, much less start a conversation. Would yell “Maybe I saw stuff in you and I didn’t WANT to get to know you”, which stung me badly, but also contradicted his line to me the first night of being so intuitive, such a good judge of character, that I was someone he’d want in his house. He tells this to me the first night we hang out, and now he devalues me, but not having got to know me any better. He had once told me “It’s been a long time since I had to make room in my life for someone who wanted to see me” yet this totally contradicted his involvement with J.

I just didn’t want to see the truth, that he could find and make time for the people he wanted to, and I wasn’t someone he wanted to, though often times, he would paint the picture out that I was someone he wanted to be with, so much so that he was scared. He ended up screaming at me “ I don’t think I was mean to you. Mean is intentional. I’ve had people be mean to me, I know how it feels. I wasn’t intentionally mean to you.” So I said “fine your just an asshole then” this he was better able to accept. Jesus, semantics. Now I would say its more than asshole-it’s narcissistic.

The more I tried to understand, the louder he’d yell until finally he yelled that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I yelled back, What, right now or for good? I just want to be clear on this, you don’t want to talk to me ever again? And he yelled back “Yeah, right now, I don’t want to.” and I said fine and hung up, realizing that he said that right now he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again, but that’s right now. That could change in an hour.

The next thing I knew, he showed up at my apartment for the first time eve-as we had always hung out at his house, and ended up in my bed. I wasn’t going to sleep with him. He could spend the night, but initially, I told him no. He got kind of pissy and said “Oh, should I just lay here and tease you then?“ And I was tired and not up for a heavy discussion outlining why I might not be into sleeping with him. He then softly pouts and whispers “But I love being with you”. And I caved. Not before he asked to use my shower, though.Little did I know that his gas had just been turned off, and he just used me for that.

He shared with me shit going on in his life. I asked him just where it stood with him and J. My friend had recently ran into the two of them at a club, so I knew that it hadn’t really been over when he had said it was and now I wanted to know what the real story was, why he lied. This man had my head so confused and my self worth so contorted, I just wanted to find some sanity and normalcy in all of it. I asked if he was in love with her, he said he didn’t know.

He shared some things going on in his life-none of them good, and revealed to me that the longest he had actually gone without using coke this whole time was two months, the 2 months where he and J were actually “on”. And yes, he was high at this time.

He left, and we seemed to have some further understanding. For awhile, he’d call just to say hi, and things were fine. He had revealed that things in life were going badly. He hated his job and felt he was better than just working the trade job he had. His financial affairs were in turmoil, which I had already picked up on. In the past few months, his house phone had been turned off, his cell phone restricted to receiving calls only twice, his cable turned off, his gas shut off.

He had 2 BMW’s and said he would be paranoid as he’d look out the window wondering if they’d come repo it. Eventually, they did. He wanted to sell the other car. There was something he sold-maybe it was the other car, to someone who had only given him part of the money, and had been avoiding him and blowing off paying the rest. Someone had put a lein on him. Credit card companies showed up at the house serving him. His ex wife was after him for more child support or to pay it, period. He wanted to sell his house. Not just for the money to get out of debt, but for a fresh start. He said it was emotionally draining him, it was his marital house and with the kids and wife gone, it was hard and weird. His cat had just died-when the kids were there on the weekend no less-and obviously J was yanking him around to which he said “If my life was more together, I wouldn’t even want her.”

And I was sucked right back into feeling sorry for him, wanting to help him, wanting to help him get off the coke, believing that was the source of all of his problems. So when he called me with yet another problem, I was eager to help. He called to ask me if I could lend him 200.00.