I went over there a few nights later, after he called me at 1am. He knew I worked late and I often didn’t get out of work until midnight. Still, I should’ve seen right there that I was just a booty call. But it was different to me as he would leave the door unlocked for me, I was to just come on in, and there I would find him in bed waiting for me. I guess it trigged in me the times of being married, when I’d come home from work or being out with friends, and had someone to come home to, who was happy and excited to see me and I’d crawl into bed to and talk about the day, or life, or whatever. And that’s what happened this night. He must’ve been high again, as again performance was an issue. But I didn’t care, because I liked HIM.
The TV was on, the cat was at my feet when he tells me that his cat Buster really likes me, he didn’t like his last gf, and that was an indicator of something because his cat wasn’t a people cat. He said “I don’t let too many people get close to this”, as he pointed to his heart, “because I don’t want to hurt anyone, I know how it feels.“
Yet later in the evening, he told me that “Yeah, I used to be much more mentally abusive to women before therapy” and now as I look back, I really wish I had pressed him about that comment to elaborate and explain it. Because now I know-if a guy tells you he has a history of being mentally abusive-he is. But we laid in bed and we laughed. I asked him a series of stupid questions to answer about himself-like what was his favorite color, number, food-stupid shit that made us laugh. He would say really dumb things that would get most women’s shackles up, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I laughed at his verbal clumsiness about women. He joked that maybe he wasn’t getting it up “Cuz maybe its you” and then when I joked back that he just destroyed my self esteem, he grabbed me and was able to do it. And the whole time he looked into my eyes and smiled, as it was slow and nice, and it was then that I was hooked.
I remember asking him that first night if he was as selfish and self-centered as other coke addicts I had known. He said that no, he was nothing like that at all and he recounted the time some woman had told him that he was “too nice”-apparently someone he had liked.
A few nights later he had called again late at night-about ¼ to one, and I was on the other line so I didn’t answer. 15 mins later I called him back and I said “Hi, what are you doing?” and he barked really shitty “Trying to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow” and hung up.
I was taken aback by that but brushed it off, and had no reason to believe at this point that he wouldn’t call me back. He had been “normal.” He called when he said he would. He had called me one Saturday night to see if I wanted to go see a band his friend was in, but I had my kids so I couldn’t.
And he didn’t call me the next day. Never called me back. For some reason, this rang a bell in my intuition. I don’t know why. It shouldn’t of. Things happen, sometimes people don’t call, and there is usually a reason for it. I should’ve just waited to see if he did call me, with an explanation and all would’ve been fine. But I knew. Somehow, I just knew. So much so that I called my buddy Pat freaking out, looking for advice. Pat had known me for 20 plus years. I wondered if I was just looking for an excuse to get out of it, because I was really starting to like this guy, and I was scared, had my own trust and intimacy issues. But I was ready to tell W that I couldn’t see him anymore. I suppose my subconscious had taken in all this information and data-gathering and it knew that this man was gonna hurt me. And so I had left him a voicemail, saying I wanted to talk to him. As I explained to Pat, I said “I know he’s gonna think I’m psycho, he thinks every woman is psycho”. Pat said “Well, if he’s going to think your psycho anyway, might as well be honest with him.”
W called me immediately the next morning, as I was on my way to work, and he on his way to work, pressing me to tell him why I was calling. He was really hyper and wanted to know what I wanted to talk to him about. I told him it really wasn’t a big deal and that it would be better to talk when we weren’t on the way to our jobs. I told him that I’d call him after I got home from work. I went over to Pats for some support and to make the call-when W called me. He just got his kids and was fixing them some tacos when he said “What is going on? I 've been freaking out about it. I was working and so distracted that I ended up driving to A instead of B where I was supposed to be. Are you going to get weird on me?” He asked. I told him “Well you will probably think I’m psycho and told him what Pat had said to me and he says “Yeah, my buddy Pat! See he’s right so you should just tell me, what, are you going to tell me you’re in love with me?”
There’s that red flag again. No, I wasn’t going to tell him I was in love with him, what the fuck? First of all, I just met him, second of all, you don’t do that over the phone. What was wrong with this man? How fucking arrogant is he? Instead I did tell him that I felt weird that the only time I saw him was late at night at his house, that we never go anywhere and that I didn’t want that to end up being the pattern, I didn’t want to be just a piece of ass. He said that he totally understood that, didn’t think it was psycho at all. “It’s not like that, I mean, am I sitting here getting all crazy, thinking you’re the one? I mean, I’m not there…..wait, that sounded wrong. Let’s just say that it isn’t a piece of ass to me and leave it at that.”
I said “ok.” He had the kids for the weekend, he explained, but he would be dropping them off i Sunday night. He asked if I was working, because I worked at a bar/restaurant in the same town as his kids, and that if I was, he’d stop in and see me at work. I told him I was and he said “Cool, see you then.”
And Sunday night came, and there was no sign of him. I called him when I got off of work, and I don’t remember what his excuse for not stopping by was. I was disappointed but I didn’t say anything. And it was not because he didn’t show, but because lately everything he told me he would do, he ended up not doing. I was beginning to believe that he was unreliable, undependable. My trust was crumbling, my fears activated. Seemed like one of those people that when they say they will call, or be somewhere, never are, something always comes up, some sort of drama is always happening, there’s always an excuse.
I was about to hang up when he said that I should come over. He said that he’d have to call me back in a half hour, though. I said okay. He then called back and said “No, not tonight." The excuse was his uncle gave him a huge TV and he had a buddy over who was helping him move TV’s around, so he didn’t want me to come over. I said okay.
Again I was disappointed as it seemed that ever since that last night we had together, he was starting to push me away. I told him that I wasn’t mad, when he asked, just what I was feeling, disappointed. He said “I don’t like hearing that, because its been a long time since I cared about whether I disappointed anyone or not. It’s been a long time since I cared. Let’s see about tomorrow night“, which was a Monday. I would be working, but not late.
He did call me, and he sounded shitty. Really crabby and pissed off, and told me he wouldn’t be able to see me. I asked him what was wrong, as I had never heard him like this, usually he was cheerful and jovial when we talked. He then replied “I’m driving and I don’t like to have to chase my money down.” Apparently someone owed him money. There always seemed to be some sort of weird covert deals he had.
Anyway, it was ironic because Pat was supposed to be stopping by my work as well, to pay me back money he owed me, and I told W this. He then snapped “Who is Pat?” and I was shocked. Hadn’t I just called him from Pat’s house, where he had said to me “His name sounds familiar to me, its on my caller ID, I wonder if I know him from somewhere” and when he exclaimed “My buddy Pat!” the night we talked about the message I left him-now he’s asking as if it’s the first time he’s heard of the guy.
So I reminded him “Uh, Pat, my buddy?” W presses on to ask me “Well why does he owe you money?” And while that wasn’t any of his business, I explained that Pat was in the trades, it was wintertime, when W interrupted me and said “I totally understand that.” So he said he’d call me later and we’d probably get together, depending on what his mood is.
And he didn’t call me for a week. I called him twice in that week-and he never called me back. I didn’t freak on him-but clearly there was something shady going on in his life, and I wondered just what the hell it was.
I stopped wondering when he finally called me and said that he was sorry for not calling me back, “I know that must’ve felt like shit to not have me call you back”-and he went on to explain that he was “distracted.” I asked with what. He said “Well, this girl called me that I used to see awhile ago, and it distracted me.” I asked him why he couldn’t of just told me that, and he said he was afraid I’d get mad. He went on to explain that she had called him pretty much out of the blue for relationship advice, telling him “I don’t think I make a very good girlfriend.” Apparently having broken up with someone she was recently engaged to. She asked W if he was seeing anyone, and he told me that he had told her about me. And he then told me “I don’t know what to think about anything, because you’re cool and I’m not sure I want to go back there cuz of you.”
I told my girlfriend that introduced us about it, and she was pissed. I asked her if she had ever heard of this woman I will call J, because out of all the women W had talked about and mentioned since I met him, her name never came up. She said she hadn’t, but she said “Who the fuck is this J? Sounds like she’s fucking rebounding to me.”
And she set out to call W. In her mind, she had hooked us up, we were a great match, and now he was fucking with me, because some chick came back to fuck with him. “This is bullshit,” she yelled, “what the hell is he thinking, and now he’s playing with you, fuck him.” And she called him. And he thought I was actually with her when she did. So he tells her that he liked me, liked my company, but that this was a friend and that people change. He told my friend that “this girl told me I wasn’t her type but people change.” So instead of being up front and telling me he didn’t want to see me anymore, that he was seeing her, he tells my friend, when he thinks that I am with my friend, and this hurt and pissed me off, that I am hearing this 3rd party through my friend like we are all back in fucking high school. Which is ironic because when I called him up after my friend tells me this, and I’m pissed off, he started screaming at me that “This is high school shit, you know I told her about you, and she didn’t react this way, so, have a nice life!”-instead of answering the questions that I had.
One thing I’ve learned about this man-he is totally unwilling to answer any questions that you might have about him, the state of your relation with him, or any bullshit that he has pulled. Only if HE feels like it. Which is rarely.
I ended up apologizing for my reaction-something he’s very adept at doing, which is to make you feel guilty for being angry with him when HE is being the shitty one. I called to apologize when he asked where I was at and “Do you want me to unlock the door or not?” So I go over there, not really knowing why. I guess I did feel guilty and I knew that I was reacting because I was scared of getting hurt. I just had a nagging feeling of knowing that I would. And again he’s in bed waiting for me, I let myself in. I walk in the room when he cutely asks ‘So are you still mad at me?” and I said “Did you miss me?” and he says “Yeah!” and you know we had the make-up sex thing. Afterwards he asked me who my contender was, because when he initially told me about J, I told him I understood that because I had a similar thing happen. Pretty shitty reaction, huh?
So I answered him and told him, so he responded with “Well, then why are you here with me?” and I looked at him funny and said “because I know that I like you better, nothing is even going on with me and that guy anymore, and besides, he’s a jerk.” When W asks ‘Well why do you want to be with a jerk?” And I got frustrated as I answered “I don’t, and I’m not.” Though ironically, I was laying next to the man, telling this to the man who turned out to be the biggest jerk to me I’ve known in my life.
So he starts to bring up the topic of J with me, and I didn’t want to hear it. Not now, while I was laying in bed naked with him. You know its just not cool to be discussing other lovers you have or other people you are seeing with someone that you are sleeping with, much less when that person is laying naked next to you, so I told him that I didn’t want to hear it. He said “Yes you do” and I said “NO, I really DON’T.” He said “Yeah, right.” I’m not sure what would make him think that I really wanted to be hearing anything that I have about anyone he’s been with or fucked, but it was tmi-too much information that I now look back and see, is totally inappropriate, unnecessary and not healthy in a good relationship. Its one thing as a relationship progresses to discuss past issues or hurts, its another to present this dossier of women down to details as he has done.
At this point, I was traumatized by it all and didn’t even really know it.
We were laying there, the subject changed, kissing and talking when he very seriously said “I have to get my life together before I can do this” and takes his index finger and gestures pointing to himself and me. I couldn’t argue that. And was in a similar position myself.
But neither one of us totally let it go and so for a few weeks more it continued with him constantly blowing me off. Finally I called him, and asked him to give me some closure. If he didn’t want to be friends, or talk to me I’ll have to deal but please stop blowing me off. Just talk to me.
So he finally called me back, and he was out in his garage doing something. And he was shitty. REALLY shitty to me. He yelled at me “If you hadn’t reacted the way you did, I’d be with you, not J!” Oh, now he’s with her? What happened to having to get his life together before he could do this?
He then starting passing judgment on me, pointing out my mistakes, being really mean. Started giving me the laundry list of things he didn’t like about me-as I feared that first night as he did with other women-he’d end up doing to me.
For example, we had talked about the fact that I loved wine. He didn’t. Said he didn’t like it. I had told him that next time I came over, I’d bring a bottle of wine everyone liked, usually the wine that turned people onto wine, to at least try, and if he didn’t like it, so be it. While I had been at the store to buy it, I eyed a bottle of red table wine that was called of all things, “Sweet W.” I thought this was the funniest thing ever, because I thought him to be anything BUT sweet, and so I bought it as a gag. The label had a sketching on it, that looked like someone had drawn it. But it was clearly a wine label. And he thought that me buying this wine was “weird”, and asked me “What, did you draw the label?” And I’m thinking what the fuck, okay, yeah, complete with the bar code and the surgeon generals warning on it, psycho. Crushed, I ended up saying to him “Well, I guess you just didn’t like me enough then” and he just coldly said “Well SORRY.” That was my closure.
Being that back then, this being 2004-I had a lot of tragedy going on in my life, and my self-esteem WAS fragile. Now this guy I liked and connected with is now giving me a list of reasons why I am not good enough-without even knowing me, and is being totally insensitive to letting me down easy. And it stuck. My self esteem very low, and my mind now twisted to believe that I somehow had to prove myself to him, that I am a good person and I don’t deserve this shit. And it occurred to me how much time we had spent focused on him-and how very little I talked, or what very little he knew about me. The scales were already so imbalanced-and I just didn’t see it.
The signs had been there. Not a phone call or even a text to wish me Merry Xmas. I texted him “Happy New Year”, and he didn’t respond. Here it was, almost his birthday-and notice I know his birthday, yet he knows nothing about me, much less mine-and I decided I wanted to give him a copy of my book that had just been published.
I called him and told him that I had a present for him. His reaction? “Well what is it, I don’t know if I want it.” What kind of a person says that when offered a gift?
Then he asks, “Did you make it?” He was very vague and non -committal about it and very reluctant to accept it. While we weren’t getting along, we were in some sort of a weird truce where I felt he would at least be receptive to a birthday gift. And he was denying it. Not willing to receive it. He had already shown me some pretty controlling shit, and this was no exception, and forced me to tell him what it was. I was tired of being put off, blown off, and made to feel like shit, and that everything I did was bad, weird, wrong, crazy, etc. I reasoned that at least if he had my book, he might know ME better.
I suppose I could’ve sent it-as I’ve ended up having to do a number of things now-but instead, my girlfriend and I called him and asked if we could drop by, to give him the book. We called all night, and left voicemails. A normal person would’ve answered, called back, texted back, knowing that we were asking where he was, could we come over, we had something for him. He did not. She and I, having had a few drinks, said “Fuck it, we will just drop the book off at the door.” So we went over there, to do just that. There was nothing sinister, psycho or stalkerish about it-he wouldn’t return our call-as he never did-and it was dropping off a fucking BIRTHDAY present for God’s sake. Its not like we were going over there to light a bag of shit on fire at his doorway.
So we went over, there was no car in the driveway, so we rang the bell. As we were standing, my friend very loudly exclaimed she had to use the bathroom “So if you are home, answer the fucking door”, she thinking he was avoiding us-and his neighbor across the street happened to be walking around outside, and invited us over to his house so she could use the bathroom.
He asked us how we knew W, and then asked us if we partied like W. My friend was about to answer when I said “No, and I didn’t think W did anymore, either.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s true,” the guy said. He hasn’t done any blow in a week!” “Yep, he’s actually got money now,” the other dude he was with said. I said ‘A week, huh? That’s weird, because W told me, he hasn’t had any coke for about 3 weeks now, since Xmas.”
The guy stammers and says “Well yeah, uh, yeah maybe it has been like 3 weeks.” Certain that he just threw W under a bus with some chick, he immediately called him the next day, and then W calls me, enraged.
First he started reaming me out for me and my girl coming by unannounced. Except it wasn’t unannounced, we called a dozen times. He freaks saying “Well, what if I was at home with my girlfriend?” and I’m thinking WTF, girlfriend? Mr. “I have to get my life together, Mr. I’ve had relationships move too fast and I don’t want that happening here”, now has a girlfriend?
He continues on with “I didn’t think you were this kind of person.” What kind is that, the kind that thinks of him on his birthday and wants to give a part of herself to him? Then he starts interrogating me further, “Well, what would you have done if there was a car in the driveway? What if the car wasn’t mine?” He just kept harping on me about it, and I started to get really annoyed. We didn’t come there to make a scene, this ‘girlfriend’ supposedly knew about me, so who fucking cares. Jesus-sorry already. And we sure didn’t come over to have a threesome with him, which was another thing he accused me of, “You didn’t come over to give me a book, you two came over to try and fuck me. “
Now I was pissed and about to hang up when he went on to coldly add “And oh yeah, I’m clean by the way” as he sat sniffling his nose like a 2 year old. I told him he didn’t have to explain that to me when he went on to bitch that his neighbors will yell across the street to him ‘Hey dude you got any whitey?” and make his business known all over the place. I was so put off by his attitude and this bullshit that I just wearily asked “Are you done now, was he done scolding me like a child, because I got the point about 20 minutes prior, he can just let it go now, it won’t happen again, I will never drop by again, okay?”
And the next night he called me again. He had been snowmobiling with friends and was drinking. He said he wanted to talk to me because he wanted to apologize and he felt bad for coming off on me. “I don’t want you to feel like I scolded you,” he said. And he went on to explain that he also didn’t want me to feel that any of this had anything to do with this other woman J, or that there was anything wrong with me. “I know sometimes I can get loud, and can be harsh. I don’t want to be that way. “ “I wish it wasn’t you,” he went on to say. “it’s the timing. I don’t want you to think that this has anything to do with her. Its not about that, it has nothing to do with her. And its not you. I want you in my life. I don’t want to end up a chapter in your book. You know me better in this short time than some women I’ve dated six months have. I don’t want you to fade away. J, she might fade away, I don’t want you to. I know I gave you reason to react, I know that I wasn’t always cool. You got too close. You were at my house because I wanted you there. It wasn’t the way you fuck or suck me, it was YOU. I liked YOU. I don’t want you to go away. I’m not asking you to wait around for me or anything, but maybe someday, who knows? Call me when you are thinking about me. Call me to let me know how you are. If your car gets a flat tire, call me and see how fast I’d be there. Call me when your book becomes a best seller. I don’t want you to think that it is about you, that there is something wrong with you. You are like me. You are different. I’d love to have you come over and be with me right now, but I just can’t. I just want to see where it is going to go there”, meaning him and this J.
He explained that she is someone that he met at a funeral of a mutual friend that died of a heroin OD. Because of that, she told W that he was not her type, because he did cocaine and she didn’t want to have another friend die on her. They went on a date and they slept together the first night, and remained fuck buddies. They became “great friends.” “I told her about you,” he tells me. “I told her you weren’t just a fuck buddy to me. I don‘t mind having two things on my plate, I just don‘t want those two things touching.“ After awhile, she had taken him out to dinner and told him that she had to stop fucking W, because there was someone else she wanted to fuck, and he thought this was cool. I thought it sounded whack. You sit people down and say that you want to see other people, you don’t say that there is a specific guy you want to go fuck.
And especially when he told me how it was so cool that while he was sleeping with J, he met the 3 some girl, and J asked him if he had fucked her yet and when he told her yes, she “high fived me.” Women who like men, don’t “high-five” them for fucking other people. But again, he thought this was "cool."
He told me that it would bother him for him to see me with someone else, so I wondered why he didn’t get my discomfort with any of his stories, past or current in relation to other women. You know I really don’t need to hear the details that he gives, he could’ve just left it without having to tell me that he wanted to be with someone else. You can end relationships with people without having to throw other people in their face, but since he seems to think this is so “cool”, he doesn’t see that to most people, its anything BUT cool. Its emotionally abusive. It undermines and hurts other peoples self confidence because NOBODY wants to hear that the person they like and are sleeping with, would rather sleep with somebody else. Its kinda implied when you end a relationship that is the case. No need for confirmation or the proof that the other person is already there in their life-and in their bed.
He continued on for 2 hours. He said that I really made him think about being in a relationship again, something he hadn’t considered in a long time. He again said that he wished I could be over there right now, but that he knew if we hung out “something might happen that shouldn’t.” He told me that it didn’t bother him, when I’d leave voicemails, usually drunk, wanting to know what the fuck when he was blowing me off. Said “I don’t think your psycho. It really didn’t bother me, the way it might’ve with other women. I’ve had other women leave voicemails and start bitching, and I don’t even listen. But I listen to you. I’m affected by what you say, I care about what you think of me. I’ve never had anything before like this in my life, where I was laying in bed with a woman and laughing and talking and not fucking her. It clicked.”
I asked him if he wanted to remain friends, and get together occasionally, do dinner or something, to which he replied “Sure! We just can’t hang out at my house” which he then started laughing.
And yeah, I was stupid. I didn’t think his “relationship” with J was going to go anywhere, I did think she was rebounding, and I didn’t want him to fade away either, so a few weeks later I called him to see if he “wanted to go grab a hotdog or something.” He didn’t call back.
A couple days later he did and left a shitty voicemail “Just calling to see why you are still calling, see what you need. If you are calling just to say hi, fine, if you are calling for anything else, DON’T BOTHER.”
I don’t think it needs to be explained, how that made me feel.
Pissed, I called him back. Clarify this shit for me then, since apparently, I received a mixed message about whether you wanted to be friends, if it was okay if I called, if it was wrong for me to assume we could hang out. I don’t know why I ever thought we could hang out-since we never had.
He called back, and he ends up screaming at me “I just told you all that I said because I wanted to end it. It ended icky. I didn’t want it to end icky. What if I run into you and my girlfriend (back to calling her his girlfriend) I don’t want it to be weird. I was just telling you the things that you wanted to hear, to make you go away.”
Again, I don’t think I need to explain the emotional trauma I felt hearing THAT.
I tried to let it go, with dignity. I ended up writing him a letter. I was as honest as I had ever been with him. I told him how he made me feel, good and bad, and told him I didn’t think I could be friends with him anytime soon. I understood where he was at, even though had had been controlling and manipulating me and just tore my heart out and did some sort of black magic ritual on it.
I owned my reactions which were often frantic and yelling back, and I apologized for them. I wished him well with J, hoped it worked out for him, and I did mean that. I really wanted him to quit coke, I told him so. I knew that he was doing the shit every 3-4 days, because he told me. He told me that Sundays were usually a big night for him to do it, after he dropped off the kids, he would sit at home-alone-and do cocaine. I figured his mood swings had something to do with this. He wanted to move on-and so I let him.
And I was being the bigger better person. I just didn’t want it to end in hate. I didn’t want to see what he had already done to my psyche and how I was already in the grips of being abused. It hurt enough knowing that he’d rather be with someone else. I accepted that, I respected it, though the way he handled it and treated me as a result was total bullshit. And I still believed deep down that he was that tormented, vulnerable boy I had a glimpse of, and that all of this was due to him being messed up. I sent the letter, and got no response.
Four weeks later he calls me. Said ‘See, I told you I would call you again!” But here it was, calling me late at night. He had just gotten back from an engagement party at restaurant for a friend of his. “I know its weird,” he described, “but I got super horny and I thought of you.” I said “Well I thought you were seeing someone” when he said “Not anymore!” I asked him what happened. He said “I don’t know. You know, you made a bigger deal out of it than it was, just like you did with me and you. It was never like that.” I protested that and said “Well maybe I made a bigger deal out of it because you kept referring to her as your girlfriend” and he remarked “I just said that girlfriend stuff to make you go away. I was never her boyfriend.” Here, the crazy-making begins.
And I foolishly ignored this. Judge all you want, but I didn’t want to challenge. Just wanted to keep giving it a chance. So, like a complete idiot-I went over to see him. Mainly I wanted to see if there was still anything there. Had it all been fantasy in my mind? Would I still be attracted to him, or had the month off and the weirdness changed it?
And as we laid together, he began to tell me that he gained about 30 lbs because he had quit coke. Quit to be with J. You know, she didn’t like it and that was the reason that he wasn’t her type. So he quit for her. Not for himself, certainly not for his children-for HER. And went on to say that the weight gain was also a result of “That, and all the carbs. When I’d be over at J’s house, we’d drink a lot of wine.”
Now, you tell me. Was that insensitive and designed to fuck with me, or am I crazy? Because notice that when I loved wine, he didn’t, and look what happened when I brought him a bottle. He wouldn’t drink wine with me, twisted and made such a weird production out of it-yet has the audacity to lay there while I’m in bed with him and tell me how he was drinking wine with someone else.
He then pouts “Women suck and lie.” Oh, so now I’m supposed to be the one who’s shoulder he’s crying on? In retrospect, I was the rebound. I was the security blanket, the booty call that would be used while he’s getting his heart-or ego I should say, pounced on. And threw in “Yeah, I waited to call you. I wanted to make sure my dick would get hard, because otherwise, what’s the point?”
Wow.
Then he went on to bitch about his ex-wife. He was at J’s house when his ex called one day and there was something wrong with her plumbing. He leaves J to go help his ex, and now she is bitching that he didn’t wash the kids clothes after a weekend with him, and how dare she act like that to him after he had just helped her out? he cries. This is what he’s saying to me. He told me that she kept calling to apologize, and “I’m just ignoring her calls.” But isn’t that what got him a restraining order? He would bitch that he was often helping her out, that he’d go out and have a beer with her, and he’d help her fix her motorcycle, but then when things were back on with her boyfriend, “I’m chopped liver.”
Hypocricy. That much, I saw. And it pissed me off. To placate me, he began to rub on me, seduce me, and I actually believed he was off the coke because now he finally had a normal hard on. But it reminded me of all the times we attempted to have sex, how he would just roll over if it didn’t work, and not even try to satisfy me in anyway. Never even attempted to please me. I can assure you it was the feelings I thought I had for HIM, not the sex, that kept me coming back.
Oddly enough, he had told me that one of the things his father had given him as advice about women was “Always make sure a woman is satisfied.” I’m not sure he should be taking relationship advice from the man that cheated on his mother-especially sexual advice, but its advice W sure wasn’t taking with me. And I don’t remember what night exactly it was that W told me he had been thirteen and molested by the babysitter, but one thing that stood way clear to me-some serious issues with women.
Anyway, I left telling him that I wouldn’t be calling him the next day, and it was on him, if he wanted to call me fine, if not, then I won’t be. I needed some time to clear my head because I knew being here with him was not good for me.
Five days later he called me and got loud and shitty on me saying “You know, it’s totally cool you didn’t call me the next day, but you could’ve called me the day after that!” Right there, I couldn’t win for losing.
Then he laid into me about the warming lube I had brought over last time I saw him. I mention this for a reason, too.It was just out on the market and I wanted to try it, so we did. Now he was freaking out. “What was that stuff?” he commando asked. I said “why” when he replied “Maybe if you tell me what it was, I’ll tell you why.”
Knowing this was a losing battle, I just answered him. He goes on to yell and complain that it gave him a reaction. And why wait five days to ask me? Apparently, I can’t even do that right. He explained that he had sensitive skin, couldn’t even use fabric softeners. So why didn’t he explain that then, when we were using it?
I thought about it and the next day called him and suggested maybe he had a UTI. He didn’t describe “reaction.”When I called and suggested that-(working my main job in the ER, things like that occur to me,) he exclaimed in a totally different, friendly tone “Oh, I was over it the next day. Didn’t even think about it.” Yes, I am talking about the same man The one thing I did know is that until that point, we hadn’t used condoms. Foolish on both of our parts. More example of my self-destruction at the time. to be con't.....
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