The rest of the story, cuz then I'm done

I am going to finish posting my story. From there, I think it's all been said. I think the time has come for me to move on now, and continue on the road to my healing. New blogs are being created everyday-one of my blog readers just started hers. More and more woman are coming forward to tell their stories, to share their experiences, strength and hope.

For four months now, I have blogged almost every single day about the psycho(s) in my past. It has been a necessary process of my healing-but now it's time to let it all go. By continuing to focus on him, the relationship and my hurts-I am still giving him attention he doesn't deserve. The subject-DOES deserve attention. But no longer mine. Yet I am oddly grateful to him for the experience, because through blogging, I have made new friends, shared stories, received strength and support, and have gotten the satisfaction of knowing that it has done some people some good.

It will always be here, for those who are where I was-frantically searching the internet for answers, validation and support. I will pop in from time to time, to update, to say hello, to add anything pertinent that I think could help. And to continue to add links to those blogs that I feel are even better than mine.

Psychological abuse is real, it is rampant, and it is the first stage prior to any other forms of overt abuse. We can learn to avoid toxic and personality disordered people, by recognizing the games they play, and why. I don't know if there is a cure. It doesn't matter the diagnosis. What matters is that we need to heal the damage, we have to delete the abuse and not allow it to leave a permanent emotional tattoo on us that says we are worthless. We are anything but.

And that essentially-IS why they chose us. I no longer feel hatred, resentment and trauma. I do feel sorry for him now. I wouldn't want to know what it is like, to go through life as he does, I wouldn't want to be like him, having to resort to abuse to feel secure. To the narcissistic people I've encountered, and the other disordered souls-they too helped make this blog complete. The symptoms of these people are all very similar-just as we end up exhibiting very similar behaviors, thoughts and feelings after being with them.

I don't think there is a chicken and the egg argument. Their abuses came first, our reactions and coping skills-or lack thereof-came second. Nevertheless, the damage can cause us to continue on the same path, becoming self-destructive and as insecure and as f'd up as them-leading us into more of the same.

Please utilize resources available to you. You landed here, so you know the internet is one of them. There are many books, forums, workshops, blogs, audio tapes, dvd's, etc-on healing. Your local community has the Y, and other resources available to be educated on domestic violence and how to leave a physically abusive situation safely. There are ways that you can get rid of your history in your web browser and to make sure that you can research this safely online-as we know, abusers can be very nosy.

Don't stay quiet. Find people you trust to confide in. Keep journals. Document. Start a blog. Get it out. Buy or make a beautiful journal, and pour your heart out, even the secrets you don't think you could ever tell. Use pictures, drawings, stickers-whatever your heart desires, but GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. It's like an exorcism. Even if it's just hitting your pillow really, REALLY hard, or putting a picture of your psycho onto a dartboard-you must get it out. Most wounds need air to heal. Band- aids don't work on a festering wound, such as what is left after these relationships.

Listen to empowering music. Read empowering books. Think about your spirituality and your purpose for being here, because you have one, my dear. We all do. God made no mistake in having you here. Even with the psychos-perhaps their only purpose is to show other's what they DON'T ever want to be.

And know it will pass, you will heal, the hurt will dissipate, and you will love again. You will be stronger, wiser, and a bit more appreciative of the good that you have, both within and without. You will value the people who love you more, and you will find that you truly do prefer nice guys.

You will then end up helping another in the same way you've been helped. Be it a friend, your daughter, niece, cousin or a stranger-you will bring strength and hope to another who may not ever thought she'd find anyone else who could understand. God bless you all on your road to healing, and I pray that you find the strength to go, if you haven't already. Peace, and peace to all the psychos.