Game # 22: ContraDICKtions

As if all the crazy making stuff they’ve been doing thus far isn’t enough, along comes “contradiction.” Thus far, we’ve been told we think too much, we analyze too much, we doubt too much. We don’t believe enough in him (thought we’ve forgiven his transgressions many times), we aren’t “letting” him be good to us, we jump to conclusions and we make too many assumptions. We are stupid in relation to other guys, and we are stupid for trying to be smart. I haven’t even gotten into the subtle ways that they try and make us feel insecure about our looks and sexuality and bodies, but that’s coming up.

They’ve infiltrated our minds subtly, planting seeds of doubt about his feelings for us, and about our own reactions to his very odd and now detached behavior. We’ve come accustomed to making sure we are around when he beckons, and to begin to censure ourselves when communicating. When we have stood our ground or have argued, we are then accused of being too hostile, irrational, emotional and taking and perceiving everything wrong. With all this, we simply become so focused on ourselves and what we need to do, not do, change or give more of to make him come back around to that great guy we met, that meanwhile, he’s getting away with whatever it is that is on his agenda for us. They have acted paranoid, entitled, and have very convenient memories, yet accuse us of not listening.

But nothing is more disabling to our hearts and psyches, than the contradictions. This is where you begin to wonder if they have a split personality, and where they give us the “Jekyll/Hyde” treatment.

There’s no better way to describe it than to list some.

After about a month or two of dating my psycho, he informed me that a woman from his past came back into his life. It “distracted” him, and this was one excuse he gave for not having contacted me in over 5 days, not returning my calls.

He ended up telling a mutual friend, that he was into me, but that he wanted to see if there was anything still there with this woman from his past. Crushed, I called him and laid into him as to why he would relay this to my friend to tell me, and not directly to me. He said “You know, I told her about you, and she didn’t react like this, so, bye!”

A few days later it was “I know I’ve given you reason to react, I haven’t always been cool.”

Says “ I have to get my life together before I can think about being in a relationship.”
A few days later, he tells me that he’s going to date her.
A week later, he calls and says he doesn’t want it to be weird, if I run into him and his “girlfriend.” Fastest “getting a life together” ever. He ought to blog.

5 weeks later, he calls to see me. I said “What about your girlfriend?” He says “Oh, she was never my girlfriend. You read into that, just like you did me and you. I just said that to make you go away.”

Calls to tell me that he doesn’t want me to not be a part of his life, he doesn’t want to become a chapter in my book, he wants me there, he doesn’t want me to fade away, he wants us to at least be friends.
A couple weeks later, I call to ask him if he wants to go grab a hotdog or something, as friends would do.

He calls back and says “If you are calling to say Hi fine, if anything more, don’t bother.”

When I asked him to clarify, since I thought he said he wanted to be friends and have me in his life, he states “I just said all those (nice) things, because it’s what you wanted to hear. I didn’t want it to end icky.”

Told me “you are the kind of person I want in my home, in my bed, I’m very intuitive.”
Later tells me “Well maybe I saw things in you that I didn’t like, didn’t want to get to know.”

In relation to this woman, he said “If my life was more together, I wouldn’t even want her.”

A few weeks later when being confronted by me on a totally different thing he fucked me over with, he distracts and railroads by saying “She’s it, she’s the one, and I want to marry her.”

THAT’s when I stopped talking to him.

We make up after almost 2 years no contact. He obviously didn’t marry her. On the contrary, she did to him, what he’s done to me, and allegedly, ended up cheating on him. Karma. You’d think it would be a bitch, but, he learned nothing. Though he told me

“I’ve changed. I’m different now. I’ve been humbled.”

Foolishly, I believed this. Oh it took more than that sentence, but it was all along those lines. He hooverd me, but good.

The contradictions continued.

“I want to treat you like a queen, be that great guy to you.”
Then
“Still feel shitty, need time to figure out what I want.”

“I know we fit.”
“Something’s not there.”

“We need to talk, I want to see you and clear the air!”
“Given this much thought, think its best to give it time, nothing I can say will change anything.”

“Want to give you what you want, want a happy ending.”
“I sometimes doubt my ability to give us a fair shot.”

“If you know nothing else, know that no one turns me on like you do! No one but you can satisfy me!”
“Didn’t want to tell you this, but you are the only one I have this problem with, YOU are the problem” (in relation to his impotency issues)

“I don’t know why I was a jerk to you, you didn’t deserve it then, and especially, not now. The way I was to you before was because of my problems, you did no wrong!”
“Well maybe if you weren’t capable of acting and reacting like you do, I could’ve wanted more.”

And it goes on and on. Oh there are SO many more. I’m sure I’ll repeat some, and I’m sure I will remember more in later postings. But the truly remarkable thing, is that often these contradictions were said within 24 hours of one another. Literally, he’d wake up the next day, and come out with something exactly the opposite of what he said before. This lead me to often wonder if the times he was “nice”, if he wasn’t under the influence of something-or vise versa.

What do you do with this? You try and figure out which statement is true. There’s the stuff we want to believe, then there are the bitter hurtful things they say that cut like a knife and feel like a thousand paper cuts with lemon juice thrown on top for good measure. That’s when we look at their actions, to indicate which statement is fact. So, if they proclaim “care” “love” “insatiable lust”, but then don’t ACT or DO anything to back that up, that’s when we usually approach them and with the “Uh, yeah……what the hell do you really feel for me?? Cuz you are totally confusing me!”

And that’s when we are blasted with all the other games. Or, they are simply “confused” and we need to be patient and tolerant to that. Evidently, their confusion is highly contagious because I don’t think there’s anything more confusing than to have your mind played like an invisible ping-pong table. Black is white, white is black, down is up, up is down. You simply can’t pin them down to not only a straightforward simple answer, but you can’t trust that what they say one day, they will mean tomorrow. This has us dancing on glass, waiting for the Jekyll/Hyde to emerge. We begin, and rightfully so, to doubt their words of love and care, because we’ve been so let down with the emotional smart-bombs they drop on our heads, the exact opposite of anything loving and caring. Then they are mad at us, for doubting them.

And the mental merry-go-round continues to whirl.