Game #29: You are scaring me

From the beginning, one psycho I knew said he was hesitant because “I'm not sure how your turbine works”, in other words, doubtful and distrusting of my mind and rationality. He told me that “I hope that you won’t be a bunny boiler, you seem that you could be a little Glen Close-ish.” This is the same man, who then flew 2500 miles across the country on a Sunday night to simply show up on my doorstep to “surprise” me. No phone call, no inquiry as to what I was doing, did I have plans? Just narcissistically assumed that I was sitting at home, alone and would be thrilled to have him show up out of the blue unexpectedly at my door. To make matters worse-I had never given him my home address. But-I could be the “bunny boiler.”

You tell yourself that if you were with someone that truly “Scared” you, whom you were walking on eggshells with and afraid to cross, that you will do the logical thing and cut off all ties from this person. You would be honest and direct, say you are not interested, you are sorry but you don’t see a future, good luck and do not contact me again. If they persisted, you’d get a restraining order. The last thing you would do is tell someone you are truly afraid of, who you think might destroy your life, or harm you physically in anyway, is “I’m afraid of you, but lets meet tomorrow to have sex.” You would not be the primary instigator of contact. You would not send seductive text messages telling the scary person how much they turn you on, and that you are coming over to see them tomorrow, and then blow them off. Repeatedly.

You would not lead them on, pull the rug out from underneath them and intentionally say and do things, or withhold things that you KNOW would cause a truly crazy person to harm you. You wouldn’t even go there. You’d give them a wide berth, you’d discontinue all contact, you’d change your number, your email, you would not respond to them at all. Unless you are living with someone who has threatened your life and especially has given you good reason to believe that there words are true,( i.e., physically assaulted you or sexually forced you to be with them) then and only then, would you feel forced to stay, play along with their games, tell them what they want to hear, and of course, you would do anything that they tell you that you need to do to make them happy.

You would not challenge, provoke or antagonize anyone that you felt had the capacity to truly hurt you. You wouldn’t argue with them, bait them, tease them, look them in their eyes and say “I promise” then not follow through, not even explain. These people have no moral compass….and he’s a lot of things, but “scared” of you, ain’t one of em.’

If you want to really go deep here-most of the things he’s accused you of, is him. Its how he feels about himself, its how others have reflected “back” to him. Chances are very good that he’s been told that HE is scary, HE is the stalker, HE is the psycho, HE is not the kind of person that is wanted in someone’s life-you are getting HIS demons pinned onto you. Even Hollywood depicts this in movies that show a man who has used and abused a woman, and she comes back with a psycho vengeance, systematically destroying him and boiling bunnies on stoves. We’ve all seen the movies where a cheating spouse or a man who is even emotionally or sexually leading a woman on when he’s not available, ends up looking like the victim as his subject turns to psychological warfare. 3 movies off the top of my head come to mind, Fatal Attraction, The Crush and Obsessed. Hmm, let’s see. Fatal Attraction-the GUY was cheating on his wife. The Crush-the GUY was sleeping with a teenager. Obsessed, the guy led the woman on. Yet all the WOMEN are NUTS because they sought payback for being used.

Narcissistic men in particular love these sorts of movies, and they love to compare you to them. Should you get angry, ask more than once in a day a question regarding the status of your relationship, then you either are, or could be a “psycho stalker.” And most of these men have something to hide, which is why they want you to believe this. They hush you and silence you by suggesting that only psycho women look to get even, only crazy women such as the ones portrayed in movies would question, get angry, rebel, threaten or actually follow through and bust his ass in any indiscretion. You are to keep his secrets, no matter how much rope he hands you to hang him with, no matter how shady you learn he is, and no matter how badly he is treating you.

When you show anger, he challenges you and taunts you with an air of “I dare you.” And you back down-because you are not some Hollywood fictionalized character, you are not one of the rare sociopath-ic women who may do these insidious abusive head gamey out -for -blood life threatening acts. Domestic Violence is focused on men harming women, because that’s the majority of the cases. And when extreme acts of female revenge are televised, real life dramas such as Lorena Bobbitt’s case-its even more fodder for these wimps, who use something like that in their arsenal to subtly suggest that your character could be in question, you could be that girl.

Their twisted logic makes NO sense, when he and everyone else who knows you KNOWS you’re not dangerous, scary or “psycho”-and that’s why he picked YOU. That’s why these men are not clinically insane. Because no man in his right mind would pick on a woman who represented a real threat. He is nothing but the school yard bully who can’t pick on anyone his own size, or of his own shitty caliber. He picks the good ones to inflict his wrath on-because the good one’s really aren’t a threat. The good ones agonize over hurting him back, exposing him, teaching him a lesson, and they lay back down.

So this man who is using your problems or anger against you, and blaming it for why he cant produce or give you anything at all that you need, and claims its your fault and your reactions that make him how he is-how afraid can he really be? He continues to take your money, your favors, your help, your sex-and continues to deny you anything good back-yet he is afraid-what’s he really doing? He can’t really be scared, can he? Or is he setting you up to finally explode and then justify and rationalize every horrid thing he’s done to you, every good he has denied you?