Game # 31 He's got you as a narcissist now, pt 1

To some degree, we all have some narcissism, or narcissistic traits in us. Its necessary I think, for survival and self-preservation. To a more or less degree, we all care what at least some people think of us. We all want approval and acceptance. We’d all like to be perceived as attractive and knowledgeable, or special in some way. None of us want to be stepped on. If we have a talent, we want people to admire it, hire us for it, pay us for it, reward and recognize us for it. I don’t even know if its called “healthy” narcissism, or just being human. But with a narcissist and certainly an abusive one, they have an insatiable greed for all of the above, a black hole surrounding them that simply absorbs, giving nothing back, and absorbs all of your good. They are emotional, psychic vampires-not only do they not see a reflection of their true selves-but they suck the energy and life force out of you. Oddly enough, they will accuse the people they don’t like or who are onto them, as being one of these sinister types.

In times of serious stress and chaos in people’s lives-when people are in survival mode-this form of self-absorption can be expected to a degree, but when people who’s lives are functioning crisis -free and normally, who still expect this heightened sense of awareness, concern, and consideration for them-(narcissists are always in “emergency mode”) it is abnormal. Some people are just the abusers that create that crazy-making “drama” that sucks those close to them into a vortex of shame and unreality. Catcher, pitcher-doesn’t matter. Pretty soon the lines become blurred anyway, because after a lot of time dealing with them and getting abused by them, you can then end up becoming a “reverse” narcissist .

Of course, you are aware that you aren’t perfect either, and so you strive to understand his self centered behavior, and his hot/cold behaviors towards you. Often people who are being emotionally abused start to take on the abuser’s “ways”. Trying to fight fire with fire. It makes sense on a certain level- if you are in Mexico you’d get a lot further if you were able to speak Spanish. When you are with a person who refuses or is unable to learn your language, you find yourself having to speak theirs to get thru to them. We end up stepping out of our normal characters and becoming more “psychotic” ourselves, which is really a normal response to abnormal behavior. This is where terms such as “He drives me crazy” comes into play, because in all seriousness, that is their whole objective. Now that he’s so sick, he’s got you pretty sick, too. This is where “reverse” narcissism comes in-when you are so frustrated, so tired, so bewildered and so emotionally beat up that you feel your only recourse is to stoop to his level in order to “get through” to him.

“Reverse narcissism” steps in, because now you’ve been challenged to be seen as a good person in his eyes, because he’s told you over and over in so many ways and so many times, that he fears that you aren’t. Now you are self-absorbed in how he’s treating you, and you are using his perception of you to reflect back whether you are worthy of being treated well or not. A part of you also feels that how dare anyone treat you this way? Treat anyone this way? You treat people you can’t stand better than how he is to you.

The difference is, your reverse narcissism is not meant to hurt him, you are trying to protect yourself from the pain he’s caused you. Trying to stop him from continuing to hurt you. But the reality is-if in fact you felt truly good about yourself, you wouldn’t need him to reflect to you that you are okay. His approval and thoughts of you wouldn’t matter. You’d be able to see him for what he is-a loser-and move on. A part of you does. But that vulnerable part of you inside can’t accept it. Maybe you’ve been abused in your past. You may be harboring your own shame, guilt, and feelings of being undeserving. Maybe this is a familiar dance and while toxic, it’s the “devil you know.” You may have been “love-starved”, wanting so badly to find the “one” and to be in a happily ever after relationship. Those are the “tells” that he brings out for us to “show.“ Those are the things that made you vulnerable to his abuse. And if you’d had prior abuses in your life-well, just as abusers will move on and just abuse the next woman-those of us with abuse in our past, often move on to yet another abuser.