Game #24: Fuck Buddies

By now, his distance, contradictions, passive-aggressive behavior (and I will get more into passive-aggressive behavior later) has you wondering if he just doesn’t have the balls to end it with you. Maybe he doesn’t know how, doesn’t want to hurt you, or he’s too afraid of commitment. So you actually hand to him a way to end it with you, if that’s what he’s really looking for.

You do this by becoming the “cool girl.” You offer him yourself now without the commitment. You think maybe he just doesn’t want to tell you that he’s changed his mind about you, and because he’s already been so contradictory in word and now action, you just want to know for sure how he feels about you. You are essentially, insecure about where you stand with him.

You are now making it easy for him to dump you. You want to buffer the blow and give him permission to break your heart, because what you don’t see realistically, is if he were a good man, he’d go ahead and break your heart and tell you honestly that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you and would like to date others. He is telling you that, but in a very passive -aggressive way. Of course he’s not going to ever be direct about his feelings and wants, needs,-because then you may decide that you have your own wants, feelings and needs that differ and go counter against what he wants you to feel. In other words, if he was honest and direct,-you might stop sleeping with him, giving him stuff, being with him altogether. This is part of his controlling you.
Whatever your reasons -you gave him an out. You gave him the chance to say “I like you, I like being with you, but I don’t see it going anywhere.“ You suggested that he may not lose you entirely over that, that you were willing to accept you both seeing other people and dating others if he’s not ready for a serious relationship. In the back of your mind, you are hoping that by being this “cool chick”, he will notice your cool factor and become totally devoted to you for being the cool one. Not seeing that he is the one who is being very UNCOOL.

He still insists-“It’s not like that“. He does feel for you. He does see you as more than a casual affair. “Let’s just say this is more than just a piece of ass to me and leave it at that” he will tell you. He can see himself going in all the way with you and he wants to be sure, he exclaims. He knows the two of you “fit.” Even refers to you that way sexually-you are his “perfect fit.”
Thus, you believe him because a) You want to, it IS what you want to hear and what you want from him and b) You want to, it IS what you want to hear and what you want from him. He sucks you in so quickly and things go so fast, that you don’t even step back and see how odd this is, and that you have essentially given him a commitment and a promise to him, yet he has not done the same back….maybe he hasn’t even taken you out to dinner yet. He only implies this “commitment” and “relationship” by saying that he “doesn’t want anyone else but you.” Then acts and says subtle contradictory things to that. If he thinks there’s something you want to hear, he’ll say it-then just as quickly seems to renege on it all. Seems to have doubts. More contradictions. Contradictions that will come full force, the longer you stay involved.

You are infatuated, you want to give him a chance, you want to believe his excuses at face value, and you want to believe that you aren’t being used for sex and that you mean more to him than some casual encounter. He will tell you that you know him better than most-and you actually think that you DO know him, given how much sensitive information he seems to share with you about him. You’ve released any pressure you believe he might be feeling about you, by suggesting that you could be casual, date others, it’s not a big deal, you aren’t that involved, it’s okay if he is honest and lets you down easy. You can take it.

Here’s another part of that game: He knows this isn’t the case. No matter how much you try and bs yourself, he knows that you couldn’t handle just being a friend with benefits. You’re past that point and you’ve been way more intimate than any fuck buddy would be. So, he’s afraid you may in fact come to realize that yourself -that you can‘t handle just being a bed partner-and hence, stop sleeping with him. He’s not risking that. And most importantly here-if he were to say that’s all he is really looking for, then he also has to run the risk of sharing you with other men, and you leaving him for someone else, or simply ending it with altogether. He doesn’t get rejected. He does the rejecting. He didn’t lie to you when he said he doesn’t like to share. So he won't "agree" to casually dating you, even though he has no intentions of committing really, to you now-or maybe even ever.

He will never give YOU the option of leaving him, for any reason. He knows you won’t be able to sustain a “casual” deal-he sees that you are already sucked in, no matter how much you may protest different. He knows you think you are “in love”, even if you’ve never said a word to him. So, the only way to continue to have control over you and get whatever he wants until he meets someone else or is bored with you-is to keep you in this game.

Hopefully, he won’t throw back in your face later when he remembers you willing to give him this “out” that you must have something wrong with you being able to just have “fuck buddies.” That’s a guy thing. Girls who do that in his mind-there’s something wrong with them. Even though it’s thanks to girls like that, that he even gets laid all the time. For now though, he’s convinced you that it’s YOU he wants to be that great man to, you are the one he wants to be with. He only wants to be with you. You know this seems odd as hell-but again, you let it slide. This could also be used against you at a later date, if you suspect him of being with another, and/or hear through the grapevine, and/or he lets it slip in subtle ways (examples provided later)-and then he will remind you that you were "Cool" with seeing others and that "he never committed." More head spinning and stomach turning for you.

So, now that his words have convinced you of his intent and love for you, he will begin to accept every good thing you set out and/or continue to do for him. But he is distance, and isn’t as available to you. If he did take the plunge and you now live together-there’s a distance. He’s absent a lot. And you sit back with the patience of a saint, just giving him ‘time.’