Here’s a little story chock filled with some of the games discussed already. See if you can find and name them.
So, I am ‘reconciled’ with my psycho after a long hiatus. He claims he had changed, he is humble now, and dreadfully sorry for all the pain he caused and of course, wants to make it up to me.
The first week or so, he appeared “changed.” Now, he was living back at home with Mom, and I had just moved back to my home state from another, so I had 3 roommates while looking for my own place. Given that we would have no privacy at either place, my psycho tells me that a friend of his is going out of town for the weekend, and he will be house sitting, and wants me there with him.
So all week long, he texted me back and forth, about how he can’t wait to be with me, spend time with me, the things he will do to me, and with me, and that he’s got me for the whole weekend, so pack my bag and make no other plans. He worked me up, I anticipated it greatly and was very excited for a “romantic” weekend. His friend would be gone by 7pm Fri, and he wanted me there at 7:01.
That Thursday, I texted him to say “I can’t wait until tomorrow!” He telephoned me about ten minutes later. Said, “I know you are not going to believe this, but Bill just called me 20 minutes ago, and he’s not going out of town now. I’m at work, I gotta run, call you later BYE.” And hung up. Just like that. Gave me NO chance to respond at all.
But, respond I did….I texted him “Don’t ever call or text me again, I don’t ever want to talk to you.” I was FUMING. Only because…..I had no reason to believe it. He was right….I didn’t. Because this was reminiscent of all the times in the past. So much for “making it up to me.”
He calls back, defensively saying “What, like its my fault that Bill changed his plans? What am I supposed to do about that? I have no control over that. I can’t believe you are reacting like this, you know I was going to even ask my sister about getting us a hotel room (shes a travel agent) but now if you are going to be like this, forget it.”
Breaking this down:
1) The tease. The lead-on. The build up of anticipation.
2) The let down-but it’s not his fault. And of course, I don’t know his friend, so I can’t verify any of this.
3) I’m “reacting” and not giving him a chance, and immediately “assuming” that he’s up to no good
4) therefore, I don’t “deserve” for him to find an alternative idea
5) I should feel guilty because he thought of an “alternative idea”, but because of my reaction, I now “ruined” it for him.
So, I am the one that is unreasonable, accusing him of lying, accusing him of being full of shit with no proof or evidence, I am expecting him to control the uncontrollable, and because I felt the way I do and I reacted the way I did, I am “denied” now the chance to see him, and I “ruined” it and the whole tone. So now I’m being “punished.”
The weekend never happened, btw.
A normal, non-psycho would’ve called, should this had been true about his friend, and waited until he wasn’t at work to really be able to explain. He would’ve apologized and said something like “I know this sucks, I really want to see you, so why don’t we just get a room, I can talk to my sister about it.”
And I would’ve had NO reason to react then, and we would’ve seen each other.
So, this is how manipulation works. When they want to get out of something, they will subtly do so in a way that makes them blameless, and when they disappoint, they won’t apologize, they will find a way to make it YOUR problem and then they are free to not follow through, because they are now mad at you.
Also notice the absence of patience and understanding that I would react like that, given his history. That it would be reasonable for me to have trust issues with him, and notice that he has no tolerance or awareness or compassion for that.
Very effective, if you are not onto the games. Works like a charm. Did on me. I felt guilty. I felt that I had ‘over-reacted.” He was right….he can’t help what his friend does. He was busy at work, so I didn’t give him a chance to call me later and suggest the hotel before I “reacted.’ And because of that, he’s right, I “over-reacted’ and now I don’t blame him for it being spoiled for him.
And I ended up apologizing to HIM.
Yep, they are THAT good. But now…..we are BETTER. Cuz we figured it out.
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... "apologizing to HIM???!!!" Right now I'm thinking they're criminals. Yes.
ReplyDeleteListen to what has happened to me, just when his "making me crazy" began. We'd been dating for nearly one year... 7 encounters, 4 of them sex ones... Everything seemed perfect to me, he seemed so engaged. Every time I was to see him, he wanted me to make brownies for him: yes, brownies, home-made brownies. He didn`t eat them: they were to be taken to university to be shared with his friends there (and of course, say... "these were specially prepared by xxx -me- for ME". Once that year ended -2007-, suddenly he had to go on vacation and told me, very seriously: "we're going to meet again no sooner I come back". Of course I trusted him and, as I was also going for a trip (to USA) at the same time, I decided to buy some souvenirs for him in the States... some beautiful books and gifts from Barnes&Noble, some delicatessen, some sweets and chocolates... everything for him and his mates (yes, I'm stupid indeed).
Well... time passed and we were both back... in March... and as he was so absent and no communicating at all, I decided to email him, to see if he'd come back alive, and if he wanted to meet me (even in public) for me to be able to give him my american presents (I'm from Argentina, so they were very special presents to anyone here). Know what? He answered nearly angry, telling me I was teasing him, and saying that all that gift stuff from me was intended to make him feel guilty as he was not feeling like seeing me. I told him it was all ok... I told him that "Oh, no... please don't worry... I've taken all of this to make you happy, and to give it to you as you said we were going to see each other... but if you can't... well, it's no problem, I can keep everything for another time, a future time... except for the delicatessen which have a maturity date. I love you, take your time."
When he saw I reacted softly and kindly, then he started to explain, a bit worried... and after being a little kind to me again, asked me to correct something on his website for him as well as asking how I was feeling now I was not going to see him soon. Of course I did, I corrected everything, and when I said I was feeling rather disappointed though having been tolerant, he disappeared and just came back (everything was on line) a few days after (in the meanwhile he went on sending his writings for me to correct them... and I did, uninterruptedly)to say he didn't want to see me for awhile (finally it came to be ten months) as he was feeling I'd turned up to be "disgustingly anxious" about the relationship. I said NO, NO... "I'm not anxious, I just want to understand why you told me that we... and then... I just wanted to give you those gifts..."
LOL, it's unbelievable. So, first: he promises, so that he can keep me hooked in his absence, WAITING FOR HIM though being on vacation in another country, not seeking for anyone else... Second: he "reads" me and, when he sees the hook is still on, then he neglects me. Third: I remain waiting... working for him, reading his writings... and so on.
LOL + TEARS. If only could I be a little evil...
Its all too familiar. I took an N back just last year. Same thing as you, trust issues because he cheated the first time. Looked me dead in the eye many times as I begged for the truth and told me there was no one else. Of course there was! :)
ReplyDeleteSo I took him back, three years later. He never stopped calling me in those three years, begging, pleading, telling me I was the only woman he ever loved. I never answered the phone until Aug. 2008. I figured what guy calls for three years!?
We started dating again, I warned him I would have major trust issues with him. In fact, I told him he might want to stay away from me, as I wasn't sure I'd be able to give him a fair chance. He insisted we had something special and he would keep trying to make it happen with me no matter what. I was his future. So we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Except now little things here and there began to show. Like one night he didn't answer his when he was 'out with his boys', and when I flew off the handle and bitched him out at 2am (after I had called him, even though he had promised to call me when he got home!!) he couldn't understand why I was so upset and 'needed my hand held.'
After all, he knew he was a good person and I was being unfair for doubting him. I wasn't giving him a chance!!!
Lol! So I knw where you're coming from. Thank you for writing this as I've carried a lot of guilt (yes, even now) over the fact that I didn't trust him, and was hypervigilant of his actions. Nevermind that he traumatized me all those years ago and by rights should never have had a chance to even hear my VOICE again much less be my guy!