Hangovers and your psycho

Happy 2010!! I hope that the new year will bring you much peace, happiness and freedom from abusive people and involvements. That said, today is officially Hangover Day, and perhaps some of you-many of you, found New Year's difficult. When dating a psycho, sometimes even firming up NYE plans with one can be a huge ordeal with drama and you are uncertain that your plans with him will even materialize. If they did, some sort of drama may have occurred in the evening....or will in the aftermath. If you have been broken up with him, the combination of alcohol and memories of times you may have interacted on new years can be a toxic combination emotionally-and in general, I'd like to talk about the use of alcohol when dealing with your psycho, period.

True for myself, and for many women I've known to be in these relationships, it appears that drinking seems to bring some recognition to the surface of what they are really experiencing. If we have sublimated our anger and hurt, afraid to show it for various reasons, it will often surface when we add alcohol. "Truth comes with wine" is an old saying that suggests that if you really want to get to the bottom of how someone is feeling emotionally, give them alcohol. Of course conversely, many can argue that they do things under the influence that they would not do sober.

Nevertheless, when it comes to your psycho.....your feelings of pain, of acknowledgment that there is something wrong with your relationship and how he treats you, and resentments from previous times of abuse come to a bigger head than the beer you are nursing. Often times, when dealing with an abusive person, we "forget" incidents that have been extremely emotionally painful. Whether it was through harsh word or action, even after a "hoover" done by them, when we think that we have forgiven-many times, we haven't. Not fully. That is, especially when things between you (and his behavior) doesn't change. Not only are you angry at the original incident, but you are now re-angry for having forgiven him yet again, and that nothing is really changing. After a lot of time-especially years of this-this resentment can grow and fester and lay dormant within in our hearts. Alcohol seems to be the key to unlock this secret compartment within, where the innocent hurt person inside seems to reside and the one with the clarity seems to live.

If we have especially been oppressing our feelings to keep peace, or because of being brainwashed by him about feeling anger, or in general afraid of what others may think-or especially, fearing feeling the anger, it can often come out explosively under the influence. This is when drunk-dialing, emailing, texting, driving by, showing up at doors, and being confrontational in general to an abuser is most likely to occur. For some of us, we feel that we could tell an abuser off for the years of mistreatment for the rest of our lives-and when drinking, we set out to do just that. Under the influence, it is really difficult to reign these feelings and impulses in. The normal thresholds for behaviors are weakened for anyone-including our abusers. Its a sad day when sometimes an abusive man can be a BETTER guy when he's fucked up. For some women, we end up enabling him to drink or use drugs, because he's actually cool to us then. This is especially true for psychological abusers. For those who are more overt or battering, alcohol and drugs are often the excuse to be abusive, so women come to fear a man under the influence.

Either way, these things just don't mix in a bad relationship, whether for him, or for us. It hasn't been that long for me, since the big climatic explosive cut off ending with my last abusive lover. So I do try and give myself a break when recognizing that I am still in a great deal of anger towards him. Most of the time, I try and avoid drinking during this time of healing, simply because I've noticed that when I do, the normal boundaries of restraint are wiped away, and I find myself telling him off, usually via text. I don't wish to speak to him, I want nothing more to do with him, and I highly doubt forgiveness will ever come my way anytime soon if ever-there is so much damage and hurt-but I still remain incredulous that another human being can inflict so much pain and suffering to another-and not be moved to say anything to even attempt recognition and sorry. To give no closure. In other words, how anyone could simply not give a shit at all, and in fact, twist it so tightly to where THEY are so angry and bitter, and playing the victim.

Being intoxicated makes it easy to forget that we are dealing with personality disordered people. If these people were capable of explaining why they hurt us so badly-they wouldn't of hurt us so badly in the first place. Yet the shock of this, and the disbelief never truly goes away. Drinking brings it out. Often many of us turned to drinking in order to even cope with being abused, I know that my drinking increased 10 fold as I was actively involved with him. Now, when I do drink too much-such as a holiday-I am transported back in time in my mind where what I'm trying to forget re-surfaces. This is a sign to me that I'm still repressing, and not actively dealing as much as I should.

I think our minds allow us to feel all that we can feel in a specific moment, as to not break down and be unable to function. My suggestion is to really reconsider drinking during a break up with this guy. It may seem like the answer to numb the pain, but in reality, drinking keeps you in it way longer, and with less healthy options to cope with it. Telling him off, getting "crazy" while drinking isn't good for us in the long run, and only proves his fucked up hopes that people will view you as nuts.

To him, It's always okay for him to use being inebriated as an excuse for his stuff, but he will never extend that same courtesy or understanding to you. And there's nothing worse than a hangover and the awareness that you were in some sort of contact with him, even if he doesn't respond.

Letting go is hard. You'd think it would be easy since there's nothing good about it, and because there are no good feelings. But its not unlike letting go of anything toxic or quitting an addiction. Cigarettes kill. Most people who smoke will tell you they want to quit and there are far more cons to smoking than pro's. But we know that's not easy to give up, either. Its counter intuitive, but coming to terms with an abusive relationship and how you are left in it, is also something that takes a great deal of strength and courage to do. Don't beat yourself up for these set backs, but be mindful of things that may trigger emotions and prepare for them. I haven't done that so I can tell you from my mistakes.....holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc can be huge triggers for thinking of your psycho, and so knowing that, arm yourself ahead of time. Don't drink, give your cell to a friend if you do, log off the computer, be around people you trust and love and can talk to and who can talk you out of doing anything more you will regret later. You shouldn't regret it, as it is all a normal response to abnormal behavior done to us, but, the last thing we need is one more reason to feel badly about ourselves-these guys did a great job in insuring that already. Happy New Beginnings!