Game # 27: Judgement Day

Sometimes to diffuse your anger and “analysis”,( should you still be thinking for yourself at this point), if they feel there is even still a pay- off in being with you-they will subtly turn it around on you by beginning to appear to be more open to your inquiries. Now it’s not so much that you are analyzing them, but rather, that you are “judging” them.

They don’t like to be judged., though they are the first to throw stones at you, and everyone else. When I first noticed my abuser pulling away from me, I told him that I felt he didn’t really want to get to know me anymore. He responded by yelling at me “Well, maybe there are things about you that I see that make me not want to get to know you!“ Not only did this sting my feelings incredibly, but it had me scanning myself, replaying the entire relationship thus far with him in my mind, to see what the hell he could be talking about. We are sleeping together, any argument we’ve had he ends up pursuing me to end-if I am causing him to be bad to me, then why is he continuing to involve himself with me?

Alternately, the barb stung so much, that you just don’t know what to do, other than wonder what it is that he meant, and feeling now as if you need to change. He’s pegged you in that one statement, as being a “bad” person. In some way, shape or form, these men will do this. They will make incredibly hurtful comments that while not traditionally “verbally abusive”, i.e., no name calling, no overt insult-it will be some sort of damaging comment about you, your personality, your lifestyle, your choices-something about YOU that they suggest makes them distant, hesitant or unwilling to give anything in return. This is called “shaming.“

This is especially effective on anyone who grew up in a critical home with very critical parents who also invalidated you or made you feel as you were never good enough, there was always something about you that they didn’t accept. You are now re-living that pain. If not parents, perhaps a prior relationship, or a close friend or even an abusive boss-this hits that delicate nerve that many of us have of “prove yourself worthy to me, because I ain’t seeing it.“

By now, they have you so effectively focused on yourself and your own behaviors, that you aren’t even thinking of theirs anymore. Whether its how you interact with other men, how you think too much and analyze, how you are way too sensitive and how all these things may be causing him to think twice about wanting you-trust me when I tell you that he didn’t just do this once or twice to leave you feeling this low sense of worth. I don’t believe any of us have self esteems that are that low, that one or two flippant and inappropriate comments would send us into this self -analytical abyss. He’s made numerous comments, every time you talk, every time you are together, with every action that is a disappointment, with every excuse given-he has consistently made you feel that there is something wrong with you.

If you fire back and let him know that there are things equally bothering you about him, that is when he defends with the notion that you are "judging" him. He feels judged, he feels that you are too critical of him, and may even say "I'm not on trial here, why should I have to answer to any of this?" or something in a similar vein. When you try to explain that you are the one that has been feeling judged and that he's deeming you unworthy for him in some capacity, that's when he invalidates you and says that you are being ridiculous. However, if you should suggest the same to him-that you are not "judging" him, but rather trying to understand him, then you will get the "Well you ALWAYS do this, say this," etc. He cannot take constructive criticism, he can't take any form of criticism/negativity of him at all, and rather than him seeing that you are pointing out behaviors, words, actions or in-actions that are hurting you or confusing you, all he feels is that you are judging him, and if you "feel this way, why do you even talk to me?"

More crazy-making.