Sex and the psycho: The Finale (for now)

Two truism about abusive men: They are either highly above-average looking, or-they are very plain. Period. Even the plain ones though, have a charisma that is difficult for all to resist-they have to, to be so manipulative.

Also true, is that your abuser will seem to be a "prude" on the outside. He will say and act as if he hasn't experimented much sexually. He will claim he has moments of opportunity, but for whatever reasons-("shyness" he'll tell you, being the main reason)- he never followed through. He pretends as if he hasn't experienced much in the way of anything 'kinky'-that he's over all, pretty "vanilla" when it comes to sex. Yet at the same time, he's alluded to having MANY lovers: "I've had over 50 one night stands, that's not what I'm about, I want something real"or "You and I have fucked them all, want our lust to show us both that this is something real". Or in the case of one abuser I lived with, you will discover an entire dresser drawer filled with condoms and business cards for strippers.

Its hard to believe that they are so "missionary" in their experiences, especially when they start telling you about their fantasies. And boy, are they kinky. And you dear sister, is the one he wants to realize them all with-no one else will do. Ha.

Because they make it seem that there are actually many things they haven't done sexually that they want to try-you might feel enthusiastic as well to experiment with him, because he tells you he wants you to be his "first." This for the most part is manipulative bullshit. They've had more weird sexual encounters than you, me and Paris Hilton combined, but they still play the "innocent, prude "I've never done that" card when talking about their fantasies. You would be the first. As you have already supposedly been the first to them in some way-my biggest abuser went so far as to suggest that I was really the first women he ever really "sexted" with. He was certainly a natural then, because his writing and "sexting" was fantastic. I will give him that.

Its incredible how retrospect works. The porn he’s into (or not into) what his fantasies are (and when he’s under the influence of something-he’ll tell you) and the fact for as much talk as they have-in bed, they really aren’t that great. We think it’s great, because the “high” we are on, the intensity of him finally showing us a smattering of attention and desire-but really, his needs came first with that, he only went out of his way to please you and make it “about you” when it was the beginning and he was trying to suck you in, or when he feels he may be losing you.

For the most part, these guys are lights out, missionary style where you feel more that they are masturbating with you as a prop, as opposed to being concerned about your pleasure as well. I believe it’s only after he has married a woman, that his perverse side or his “kinky” side may come out full force, unless he feels he can get you to do "stuff" without any commitment. That is a challenge for him that he enjoys.

Most narcissist prefer masturbating anyway according to the experts-but love to use women as a prop. This is why the computer, text messaging, phone sex are all so appealing to this type-he doesn’t want to be bothered with satisfying you. You’d better make it clear to him however, that his sex games are doing just that for you. And for awhile-they probably are.

If you are attracted to him, find him sexy and desirable-this can be great and passionate foreplay for couples. Unfortunately, the real thing barely adds up to the expectations-and that’s if he isn’t just sadistically teasing you and leading you on, just to end up frustrating you and disappointing you in the end. You will also notice that in these virtual encounters, that he is able to manipulate quite a bit from you-pictures, for example-that he in turn, doesn't really provide as much. He holds out a lot longer than you, and he could have pictures of every angle of your body while you may have one or two. If that.

His game is to build up your desire to such a degree that you will put up with quite a bit, just to get even that need satisfied…and should you suggest to him that if he doesn’t, you will find someone who will- expect to be hurt more than you ever imagined possible. From blaming you for any performance problems, to throwing in your face that he’s got other lovers-this is an arena that if you don’t want to know, don’t ask, don’t push, and be prepared for what you get. Is it any wonder we are left to wonder if he truly even enjoys sex with women?

Now this is not because they don’t sexually perform or seem interested in women. On the contrary, most of these men are “players” and are extremely spoiled, because their above average looks gains them a lot of female (or male) attention. They don’t have to work very hard for sex-if at all. Women throw themselves at them, and make it very easy for these guys to “get into the pants.” They are so accustomed to this, that you know that any woman that gives them “chase”-whether they are that attracted physically to her or not-is going to get their attention the most. They are highly promiscuous and not very selective. They’ve slept with younger women, older women, big girls, tall girls, short girls, ethnic girls or married women-they are sex addicts. But its not the sex they are addicted to-it’s the power. As my abuser said, he really doesn't "want to have to work for it."

One thing they will really pressure you to have, or at least talk incessantly about, is having a three-some. They reassure you that you would never be made to feel like number two, they tell you that they don’t think they’d be able to pull themselves away from you-but if you’ve given in and done this, you will discover that is not the case. They’ve now abused you by proxy. The abuser I was with professed a big desire for this. Fortunately, it never happened. He did however relay a story to me of a woman he was dating, that finally came up with the courage to do so, showed up at his door with a hot friend-and he turned her away, because “there were kids in the house.” She never talked to him again. Must’ve been the final straw for her.

These men love to deny women that are coming onto them. Again, it’s power. If he has to pursue a woman, or he desires her enough to seduce her, it is still only on his terms and should she want him-he is never available. Even if your relationship with him is purely sexual-if you call him for that “late night booty call”-he’s never around. He won’t even play for text sex or virtual sex-if you initiate it. But when he comes a calling, you’d better always be available, in the mood, and take care of servicing him. One of the red flags I didn’t see with the narcissist I was with, was that he seem astounded at the fact that he actually wanted me and was willing to sexually pursue me. Something I think he ended up hating me for. I had some power over him, which is part of why he was so bad to me.

You wish you had known all this, as you were one of the women that may have given into his seductive, manipulative sexy ways to get you into bed right away. But, you didn’t, and it didn’t matter even if you DID give chase, because they’d still end up treating you like crap. Abusive men don’t magically become non-abusive just because you made them wait awhile for sex. They will however, make you feel badly if you didn't. They will subtly suggest that by you being so "easy" for them, that it killed something in them-mainly their trust in you. Never mind the hypocrisy that they slept with you right away also-remember, with these men, "It's different for guys" is one of their mantras.

So stop berating yourself for giving in too soon. He wants you to feel that way-that you must be “easy” or a “slut”, because you didn’t make him work for it. On the contrary-even if you did- they would’ve “punished” you in some way for making them have to “work” for it, to have to lift a finger and make much of an effort after all. Women flock to them-not the other way around.

And they will typically go back to former lovers and flames-because they know those are a safe bet, and a greater challenge to prove “he’s changed.” He has experience in manipulating them and knows them. Better narcissistic supply. A strange woman usually won’t be approached because she could reject him. So only a woman who’s made it exceptionally obvious will “get in.”

This is why they tend to gravitate towards women who have been drinking, or who strip or use sex to get male attention themselves. He will make no effort at all to be a part of your world and interest, makes you feel inferior all the time, yet he is willing to stick his penis in you. If you say as much, it’s the “Well, I’m a guy. Its different for guys” mentality again. Or worse, accuse YOU of being the tease, playing the sex card, dangling it in front of him, and that you made yourself easy and asked for it. You were toying with him-and he was just taking from you what you kept seducing him with. Apparently, some men can have sex with women they don’t even respect or like-for years. You have just been rendered a long time prostitute with this attitude, one that never even got paid.

We end up fantasizing not about the sex, but of him holding us in his arms, kissing us, loving us, "making love" to us. Which is why if he's not able to perform, if he is a quick shooter, if he is selfish and we leave unsatisfied-we don't care. We want the "love". We are totally love starved. When we do see him such a build up of passion and memories of the beginning, coupled with any virtual suggestions he's made, makes us anticipate him like a drug addict. That's the Love Hit that we are craving and jonesing for, and his scarcity intensifies it. One game he's mastered, is "hard to get." We end up equating sex with him as passion-because its just easier than dealing with the reality that he is controlling us, manipulating us and covertly sexually abusing us as well. He may be gorgeous. He may be totally sexy. But he's a "cold fish" in bed essentially, WE are the ones that bring the fire and passion to the table. Like everything else, they just "promise" it. Rarely deliver. Its also why make-up sex with them can be so hot; when we are angry and they feel they might be losing us, that's when they really make an effort. That's when they give us what we want. Totally backasswards, as usual.