Can he ever change? Part one

In this relationship, no matter what you do or don't do- he wins. If you sit back, say nothing and continue to let him get away with his behaviors-he wins. Even if you stop seeing him-he wins, because he “got away” with this, with no consequence. If you confront it, stop enabling it and fight back-he still wins, by twisting it to make you seem unstable.

You can never win with this man, as long as you are with him. And you both know it. The longer you admit defeat and make no waves, the longer your denial has a chance to blind you further. It is the metaphorical devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. Problem is, you just don’t know who’s right anymore. You feel guilty. You feel ashamed of YOUR narcissistic rage-and there’s your “pattern” and even he calls you out on it. Your love/hate/rage/sorry bs, as he calls it. He’s got you. You start to believe “My god, maybe I AM the one who is the abuser here. I am the bad person. My reactions ARE scary.” You tell him you will work on your reactions and anger. You implore with him that you are not psycho, you would never intentionally hurt him, you are not that type of person.You're working on YOUR trust issues. You didn't mean to make him feel badly, to judge him, to hurt his feelings-yet the reality is, he has been abusing YOU, and you have reacted normally to abnormal behavior-and he is the one that is suggesting that your reactions are what is abnormal, and if it weren't for your reactions, he'd be a different man. It’s nuts. And now you’re his. He owns you. You didn’t even sell your soul to the devil. He took it.

He will accept your apologies-and go right back to treating you like shit. Because now you’ve learned. He's programmed you well-Its not him-it’s YOU.

In reality….it’s not you. You were right in your raging diatribe of all that’s wrong with him.

Good people say please and thank you. When you give a good person a gift-they acknowledge it. When a good person says they will be over-they show up. A good person does not completely blow you off a jillion times, promise not to do it again then less than 24 hours later, do it again. A good person doesn’t use excuses to make you feel sorry for them, then take all your caretaking and give nothing in return. A good person doesn't try and make YOU feel guilty that they have mistreated you, and a good person would STOP hurting you when they learn that what they do or don't do hurts you, and a good person would NOT blame you or suggest that you somehow have deserved to be treated like shit. A good person wouldn't suggest that you are not good enough to be treated well, and that if you only changed, you wouldn't be abused.

Your mind just can’t accept how foreign his behavior is to “normalcy.“ You believe that the synapse in his brain are not firing correctly. And you are in shock and awe, that you are meeting someone like this. And to cope, you have looked to make excuses for him as well-and have set out to help him with whatever issue you think it is that is causing this behavior.

The issue is NOT drugs/alcohol/childhood abuse/shitty parents/overbearing-absent mom/horrible dad/mean brothers or sisters/crappy job-boss/money/physical limitations (ie, if he's on the short side, a "napolean complex". It's not because he might be gay/insecure/scared of intimacy/afraid of commitment/had a bad break up-divorce/trust issues/bad experiences with women/comes from a misogynistic culture.

The reason he is emotionally, mentally, psycologically, sexually, financially and even physically abusive-is because he's an abuser. Period. Reality check:

Drugs and alcohol may intensify a person's abuses-but lots of people with drug and alcohol problems are not abusive people. Even under the influence. Any of the above excuses we've made for these men-there are many examples of people who have experienced the same things and often worse things than the men we are involved with-and they DO NOT ABUSE PEOPLE.

You're not really him, last part

You are reduced to this sort of passive-aggressive behavior he often exhibits himself, in order to keep some sort of grip on sanity and to confirm your suspicions about him.

One friend of mine broke into her man’s email account, and it was there that she did indeed discover an affair. Because they were utilizing an email service that allowed you to “mark as unread”, he was none the wiser that she had read his email. Naturally-she couldn’t confront him because he would then turn on her and suggest that she violated his privacy, that she had the trust issues. Never mind the fact that he’s caught-you won’t win because he will then say this is why he’s the way he is, he can’t be with any woman who would stoop to this level, be capable of doing such a thing, even THINK to do such a thing. Turning things around like you are in a revolving door is this man's speciality, as is railroading the issue back onto something YOU are doing wrong.

I’ve seen women go thru messages on cell phones while a man is sleeping, use “spoof” cards on the phone and call phone numbers she doesn’t recognize waiting for women to answer-women are reduced to becoming their own private detectives in the hopes to be able to find something-anything-to prove to herself that she is truly dealing with a con artist. Even in the face of proof however, we can still turn red flags into red roses.

If you were to directly confront him on anything, and he's not right in front of you, he will claim he didn't even listen to your voicemails. He deleted your text. He accidentally deleted, or never received your email. So this is where women may go and start utilizing email read receipts (that he is not wise to), or some other "spy" mechanisms. You then feel guilty, paranoid, and that you might just be that bad person he suggests you are, or that you are "crazy." But you just have to know. And you know he ain't gonna tell you. You know that you have a right to know the truth; about him, what he's doing with you (and to you) yet you still feel horrible because you DONT trust him. He's planted this idea. This is part of the brainwashing. In so many subtle ways, you questioning him, doubting him and "checking up" on him, is proof positive that YOU are troubled...yet you know by his behaviors, the inconsistencies, the contradictions, the ways you catch him lying but can't prove it....that you aren't. And it drives you crazy.

He may even tell you things in the beginning of your relationship such as “I’ve had other women call me and ‘bitch’ and I don’t even listen. But you, I listen to. I care about what you think of me”. In this sense, it’s almost as if he is baiting you to attempt to communicate, to chase him down-and then he denies that he’s receiving or listening to you. He does. He’s looking for things to use to throw back at you or to manipulate you with.

Part of the reasons he can never answer a question right away, is because he has to go off and plot his strategy on how best to manipulate you, as mentioned once before. So one of the first things to realize, is that you can’t ask a psychopath why they are a psychopath, because its like asking a one year old to tell you why they can’t talk yet.

He is NOT going to give you what you are looking for. He knows what it is you want to hear. He is also out to make you look like the stalker/psycho chick he’s been afraid “you could be”-don’t give him that satisfaction. To him, you could call him once a week and if he doesn’t want to talk to you, you are stalking him. If you manage to leave him alone for a long period of time and you don’t hear from him, take it as a compliment, because it means YOU won in the end, and that you’ve begun to heal. But if he's not done with you....don't count on being left alone. More on that.

Now you wonder if YOU are a narcissist? Pt 2 of Game 31

On the surface or in the subconscious, something within YOU is resonating and responding to the energy he is sending out. Until that is recognized, the abusive tango we find ourselves in continues on, as we now set out to prove and show him that we are not the negative things he’s accused us of, insinuated we could be, and if we just behaved the way he seems to prefer a woman to act, he’ll come around to OUR way of thinking.

We, like him, now become challenged to “win.” Should a truly “good guy” come along, we step on him, the way our abuser steps on us. In many respects, we’ve become just like him. We now say things to him during fights, with the intent of trying to hurt him, get to him, and wound him. We think we are “teaching him a lesson.“ But we like him, have now just associated pain with love-and if we had that association early in our lives, here it is, back in full force.

Only we aren’t powerless children anymore. So we struggle and “fight” him. Both us and him-somehow equate love with pain. If you’ve never encountered abuse like this before, it’s imperative once you are away from him to get counseling, otherwise, your risk of having a man like this again in your life increases ten-fold.

We now, in our reverse abuse, turn the tables and criticize him-his lifestyle, his friends, his bullshit. We think we are defending ourselves, standing up for ourselves, asserting ourselves, we are “not taking any more shit”-but what we fail to see, is that he’s laughing. This is exactly what he wanted! He “got” to you. He turned this sweet, empathetic, generous loving person inside, turned the love that you had for him into something abusive, weird, unhealthy and insane. And knows that everyone-including himself-will simply say that “you let him.” That YOU are crazy.

And now that he is crying that YOUR true colors are showing-he has truly won. He now justifies his treatment of you by suggesting that HIS intuition knew all along that you were this type of woman and person that YOU really are, and that YOUR goodness was all just an act. Again, it’s the ass-backwards thinking of his world. The reality is-you ARE a good person, who is now showing a bad side, but the bad side is NOT your character, it’s not your soul. He is the BAD person, who occasionally showed a good side-but the good side is NOT his character, or his soul. He’s got you right where he wanted you. And with psychological abuse, you rarely have the means of proving the scars, of showing tangible evidence of the damage. So you really can look like the crazy one, especially when he appears cool as a cucumber to the outer world.

You may have found yourself becoming as passive aggressive as him. You are afraid to rock the boat, he’s got you dancing on glass, walking on hot coals, tip-toeing around because you don’t want to set him off, push him away, drive him into another woman’s arms, fall out of favor or take anymore disapproval. What he thinks of you has become so important to you, because he mind controlled and brain washed you into that. They are hypnotizers. So you may not even assert yourself anymore, much less get angry, because it will only get turned around and backfire on you anyway. So maybe you flirt a bit too much with that attentive guy down the street. You yourself might have an affair. You spend too much of his money, and just let him bitch about it. You find yourself doing things to get back at him in subtle, small ways-because now like him, you are not allowed nor able to express your appropriate anger. You are not allowed to vent. And I don’t mean you are not allowed to go off and start verbally laying into him and abusing him back. You were NEVER allowed to express your discontent, your hurt, your unfulfilled needs, your wishes and desires-in any way shape or form. If you display it, he wins painting you out as the unstable one. If you don't, you seethe with pain and anger, the love/hate emotions and wishing that you could be that girl that just tells him to f off, and leave him sitting in his own misery. Yet-you can't seem to do it. You are torn, it's like there are two personalities to YOU now, and you vacilate with love, hate, anger, guilt, pity, remorse and all sorts of emotions that you should never have to feel, with a man you love. Pt 3 to come

Game # 31 He's got you as a narcissist now, pt 1

To some degree, we all have some narcissism, or narcissistic traits in us. Its necessary I think, for survival and self-preservation. To a more or less degree, we all care what at least some people think of us. We all want approval and acceptance. We’d all like to be perceived as attractive and knowledgeable, or special in some way. None of us want to be stepped on. If we have a talent, we want people to admire it, hire us for it, pay us for it, reward and recognize us for it. I don’t even know if its called “healthy” narcissism, or just being human. But with a narcissist and certainly an abusive one, they have an insatiable greed for all of the above, a black hole surrounding them that simply absorbs, giving nothing back, and absorbs all of your good. They are emotional, psychic vampires-not only do they not see a reflection of their true selves-but they suck the energy and life force out of you. Oddly enough, they will accuse the people they don’t like or who are onto them, as being one of these sinister types.

In times of serious stress and chaos in people’s lives-when people are in survival mode-this form of self-absorption can be expected to a degree, but when people who’s lives are functioning crisis -free and normally, who still expect this heightened sense of awareness, concern, and consideration for them-(narcissists are always in “emergency mode”) it is abnormal. Some people are just the abusers that create that crazy-making “drama” that sucks those close to them into a vortex of shame and unreality. Catcher, pitcher-doesn’t matter. Pretty soon the lines become blurred anyway, because after a lot of time dealing with them and getting abused by them, you can then end up becoming a “reverse” narcissist .

Of course, you are aware that you aren’t perfect either, and so you strive to understand his self centered behavior, and his hot/cold behaviors towards you. Often people who are being emotionally abused start to take on the abuser’s “ways”. Trying to fight fire with fire. It makes sense on a certain level- if you are in Mexico you’d get a lot further if you were able to speak Spanish. When you are with a person who refuses or is unable to learn your language, you find yourself having to speak theirs to get thru to them. We end up stepping out of our normal characters and becoming more “psychotic” ourselves, which is really a normal response to abnormal behavior. This is where terms such as “He drives me crazy” comes into play, because in all seriousness, that is their whole objective. Now that he’s so sick, he’s got you pretty sick, too. This is where “reverse” narcissism comes in-when you are so frustrated, so tired, so bewildered and so emotionally beat up that you feel your only recourse is to stoop to his level in order to “get through” to him.

“Reverse narcissism” steps in, because now you’ve been challenged to be seen as a good person in his eyes, because he’s told you over and over in so many ways and so many times, that he fears that you aren’t. Now you are self-absorbed in how he’s treating you, and you are using his perception of you to reflect back whether you are worthy of being treated well or not. A part of you also feels that how dare anyone treat you this way? Treat anyone this way? You treat people you can’t stand better than how he is to you.

The difference is, your reverse narcissism is not meant to hurt him, you are trying to protect yourself from the pain he’s caused you. Trying to stop him from continuing to hurt you. But the reality is-if in fact you felt truly good about yourself, you wouldn’t need him to reflect to you that you are okay. His approval and thoughts of you wouldn’t matter. You’d be able to see him for what he is-a loser-and move on. A part of you does. But that vulnerable part of you inside can’t accept it. Maybe you’ve been abused in your past. You may be harboring your own shame, guilt, and feelings of being undeserving. Maybe this is a familiar dance and while toxic, it’s the “devil you know.” You may have been “love-starved”, wanting so badly to find the “one” and to be in a happily ever after relationship. Those are the “tells” that he brings out for us to “show.“ Those are the things that made you vulnerable to his abuse. And if you’d had prior abuses in your life-well, just as abusers will move on and just abuse the next woman-those of us with abuse in our past, often move on to yet another abuser.

Sorry for the delay.....

I said that I would be writing more today on "reverse narcissism." I am however, in the middle of moving (in the winter, yes that confirms I MUST be crazy) LOL.

I will get to it hopefully tomorrow evening. I miss my daily blogging right now, it helps me more than it could help anyone else, I think;) I'm sorry, I really thought I might get to it today, but too many snafus, and now.....exhaustion.

Thanks for reading and I WILL get to it. Unlike the psychos.....I'm good for my word;)

Have a blessed day/evening.........Love Psycho Bitch

Game # 30 Abusing the Abuser

So he seems to have a litany of complaints, criticisims and problems with you, your reactions, your distrust, everything pretty much about you. Yet he seems to “put up with”, “stay in it” and “deal with it” as much as you do-even after he asks YOU “well if I’m such an asshole, why do you stay?”

HE put up with it, tolerated it and allowed it not because he feared you, not because you were abusive to him or he loved you back-but because he’s a psychopath/narcissist and this is how he feels good about himself. Power and control, where every relationship is a war zone, a battlefield and a one up-manship of who will emerge the victor. Who will win in this contest of wills, this psychological warfare of head games, mind control, brainwashing, gas lighting, crazy -making espionage? To him it’s a game, to him its control, to him its payback to every woman who let him down and rejected HIM, and if he’s passive aggressive at all , you are the one expressing the anger, hurt and rage he never could. He is a wimp, a “pussy”, a coward-he has never confronted those that have harmed him like you do, and he knows it. Like I said earlier, he’s been accused of being “too nice” to the women who have abused him psychologically.

In fact, you will learn that the people just like him-the ones that manipulate him, use him, who’s affection and attention he must earn and “win”-those that have abused him-are the only ones he has NOT done this to. His world is a merry go round of pain, an endless cycle of being used and abused and using and abusing, in his world, you are either the bat or the ball. Because you cared, you loved and made yourself vulnerable to him-you are the ball. And you’ve noticed that the kinder and more loving and patient you were-the worst he was to you. But when you have thrown some abuse back his way-maybe you’ve yelled and called him names, you’ve called him on his stuff, you lowered yourself to his level in anyway-denied him sex, attempted to make him jealous, ignored his calls, essentially treated him the way he’s treated you-well then you got some attention. Then you are treated “nicely.”

In order to love this man, you realize that you would have to abuse him to get him to respect you. And it makes you sick to your stomach. His is a world of being “ass- backwards”-the dishonest, the cheaters, the extortionist-they are the ones worthy of his love, time and attention, and should you have values, integrity, morals and a true sense of love and concern for him, you must be “crazy” or have something wrong with you, and therefore not worthy of being loved back. His world is emotional sadomasochism where he “gets off” on hurting those that love him, and subjects himself and “loves” the very ones just like him. He’s like an emotional Hitler. This is not something you can change, fix or want to become. But you have. You’re now becoming the reverse narcissist. More on that tomorrow.

Game #29: You are scaring me

From the beginning, one psycho I knew said he was hesitant because “I'm not sure how your turbine works”, in other words, doubtful and distrusting of my mind and rationality. He told me that “I hope that you won’t be a bunny boiler, you seem that you could be a little Glen Close-ish.” This is the same man, who then flew 2500 miles across the country on a Sunday night to simply show up on my doorstep to “surprise” me. No phone call, no inquiry as to what I was doing, did I have plans? Just narcissistically assumed that I was sitting at home, alone and would be thrilled to have him show up out of the blue unexpectedly at my door. To make matters worse-I had never given him my home address. But-I could be the “bunny boiler.”

You tell yourself that if you were with someone that truly “Scared” you, whom you were walking on eggshells with and afraid to cross, that you will do the logical thing and cut off all ties from this person. You would be honest and direct, say you are not interested, you are sorry but you don’t see a future, good luck and do not contact me again. If they persisted, you’d get a restraining order. The last thing you would do is tell someone you are truly afraid of, who you think might destroy your life, or harm you physically in anyway, is “I’m afraid of you, but lets meet tomorrow to have sex.” You would not be the primary instigator of contact. You would not send seductive text messages telling the scary person how much they turn you on, and that you are coming over to see them tomorrow, and then blow them off. Repeatedly.

You would not lead them on, pull the rug out from underneath them and intentionally say and do things, or withhold things that you KNOW would cause a truly crazy person to harm you. You wouldn’t even go there. You’d give them a wide berth, you’d discontinue all contact, you’d change your number, your email, you would not respond to them at all. Unless you are living with someone who has threatened your life and especially has given you good reason to believe that there words are true,( i.e., physically assaulted you or sexually forced you to be with them) then and only then, would you feel forced to stay, play along with their games, tell them what they want to hear, and of course, you would do anything that they tell you that you need to do to make them happy.

You would not challenge, provoke or antagonize anyone that you felt had the capacity to truly hurt you. You wouldn’t argue with them, bait them, tease them, look them in their eyes and say “I promise” then not follow through, not even explain. These people have no moral compass….and he’s a lot of things, but “scared” of you, ain’t one of em.’

If you want to really go deep here-most of the things he’s accused you of, is him. Its how he feels about himself, its how others have reflected “back” to him. Chances are very good that he’s been told that HE is scary, HE is the stalker, HE is the psycho, HE is not the kind of person that is wanted in someone’s life-you are getting HIS demons pinned onto you. Even Hollywood depicts this in movies that show a man who has used and abused a woman, and she comes back with a psycho vengeance, systematically destroying him and boiling bunnies on stoves. We’ve all seen the movies where a cheating spouse or a man who is even emotionally or sexually leading a woman on when he’s not available, ends up looking like the victim as his subject turns to psychological warfare. 3 movies off the top of my head come to mind, Fatal Attraction, The Crush and Obsessed. Hmm, let’s see. Fatal Attraction-the GUY was cheating on his wife. The Crush-the GUY was sleeping with a teenager. Obsessed, the guy led the woman on. Yet all the WOMEN are NUTS because they sought payback for being used.

Narcissistic men in particular love these sorts of movies, and they love to compare you to them. Should you get angry, ask more than once in a day a question regarding the status of your relationship, then you either are, or could be a “psycho stalker.” And most of these men have something to hide, which is why they want you to believe this. They hush you and silence you by suggesting that only psycho women look to get even, only crazy women such as the ones portrayed in movies would question, get angry, rebel, threaten or actually follow through and bust his ass in any indiscretion. You are to keep his secrets, no matter how much rope he hands you to hang him with, no matter how shady you learn he is, and no matter how badly he is treating you.

When you show anger, he challenges you and taunts you with an air of “I dare you.” And you back down-because you are not some Hollywood fictionalized character, you are not one of the rare sociopath-ic women who may do these insidious abusive head gamey out -for -blood life threatening acts. Domestic Violence is focused on men harming women, because that’s the majority of the cases. And when extreme acts of female revenge are televised, real life dramas such as Lorena Bobbitt’s case-its even more fodder for these wimps, who use something like that in their arsenal to subtly suggest that your character could be in question, you could be that girl.

Their twisted logic makes NO sense, when he and everyone else who knows you KNOWS you’re not dangerous, scary or “psycho”-and that’s why he picked YOU. That’s why these men are not clinically insane. Because no man in his right mind would pick on a woman who represented a real threat. He is nothing but the school yard bully who can’t pick on anyone his own size, or of his own shitty caliber. He picks the good ones to inflict his wrath on-because the good one’s really aren’t a threat. The good ones agonize over hurting him back, exposing him, teaching him a lesson, and they lay back down.

So this man who is using your problems or anger against you, and blaming it for why he cant produce or give you anything at all that you need, and claims its your fault and your reactions that make him how he is-how afraid can he really be? He continues to take your money, your favors, your help, your sex-and continues to deny you anything good back-yet he is afraid-what’s he really doing? He can’t really be scared, can he? Or is he setting you up to finally explode and then justify and rationalize every horrid thing he’s done to you, every good he has denied you?

Game # 28: YOU have too many problems

If you haven’t expressed anger, but have in fact been vulnerable to him and ever told him any of your flaws-such as having been abused before, suffer from depression, have battled drinking or other addictions, etc-rest assured, if you have any flaw or problems of your own, these will be used against you to say “How could I be with anyone who has these problems, I can’t allow myself to deal with anyone who is not taking care of themselves.”

And this can come from a man who has his own battles with addictions and abuses, this man’s hypocrisy is unparallel. He projects with a vengeance and you can be sure that whatever he points out in anyone else that he judges and seems offended by- again, is his “stuff.” He will rage on about how someone else is treating his sister, good friend, daughter, mother etc-and will actually say things like “This guy says he’s changed, but you have to SHOW that you’ve changed, you can’t just say it”-but feels somehow that these rules don’t apply to him-just everyone else.

Here’s a man who can sleep with married women or women with boyfriends, and in the same sentence complain that his last girlfriend cheated on him. This is a man who expectations and standards are impossibly high for what HE deserves, needs and wants, that no woman could truly live up to, and his sense of entitlement and ability to expect and demand to be treated well without having to give anything in return is ridiculous.

If they do blame some sort of problem you have in your life as to why they can’t get more involved with you, or why they are done with you, you wonder then why they didn’t sit you down, talk to you like a caring human being that loves you and say “I’m really concerned about you, and I want to help you.” Because- they aren’t. Your problems and issues are just an excuse to puppeteer around his true motives.

For example, if he says “Well you drink too much”, you won’t find him leaving AA pamphlets on the kitchen table. If he says “I don’t like that you go out all the time”, you won’t see him protesting when you tell him your plans. If he says “You son or daughter doesn’t seem to like me”, he doesn’t try to interact, spend time with them or find out why. If he truly loved and cared about you in return-he would feel the same drive, compassion and concern that any friend, family member or someone who loves you would. That you have for HIM. He would “intervention” you.

He’d straight up tell you that this is a problem for him and if you don’t get help or change it, he’d have to leave. He was never truly in, so there’s nothing really to leave-it’s just his way of justifying to himself and the world that you had too many problems, and so for his own self-preservation, he had to “hesitate” had to keep his distance. If you aren’t plagued with these issues, then it simply boils down to your anger and reactions to how he treats you that “worried” him. While I’m not suggesting that he should go on a Red Cross mission to save your life like you just did-emotionally healthy people can still find a way to set boundaries, express their care and concern for your problems, offer help and plant seeds.

Yet the first time you hear of your “baggage“ being an issue, is usually as he’s out the door-for good. The worst is when he then tells you that the reason he can’t and won’t do or give anything of himself to you, or for you, is because of some problem you have, but you remember hearing the stories and excuses about some woman in his past who seemed to truly be a hot mess, and he was extremely patient, forgiving and understanding towards her, usually as she was being abusive to him. Or, when its a problem you can do nothing about, like your parents, your siblings, your background, your ethic group or finances.

This is the crazy-making insanity of a narcissistic, psychopathic abuser. This is the psychological abuse that has your mind reeling and your self-esteem fading to black. You cannot even step back or detach yourself from it long enough to see the flawed logic in anything that he is saying-particularly if you are married to him. He designed it this way. This is the quintessential essence of “crazy making.“ While we should be in fear and run for our lives-they have eluded over and over again to the fact that they fear you. More on that tomorrow.

Name this Game

Here’s a little story chock filled with some of the games discussed already. See if you can find and name them.

So, I am ‘reconciled’ with my psycho after a long hiatus. He claims he had changed, he is humble now, and dreadfully sorry for all the pain he caused and of course, wants to make it up to me.

The first week or so, he appeared “changed.” Now, he was living back at home with Mom, and I had just moved back to my home state from another, so I had 3 roommates while looking for my own place. Given that we would have no privacy at either place, my psycho tells me that a friend of his is going out of town for the weekend, and he will be house sitting, and wants me there with him.

So all week long, he texted me back and forth, about how he can’t wait to be with me, spend time with me, the things he will do to me, and with me, and that he’s got me for the whole weekend, so pack my bag and make no other plans. He worked me up, I anticipated it greatly and was very excited for a “romantic” weekend. His friend would be gone by 7pm Fri, and he wanted me there at 7:01.

That Thursday, I texted him to say “I can’t wait until tomorrow!” He telephoned me about ten minutes later. Said, “I know you are not going to believe this, but Bill just called me 20 minutes ago, and he’s not going out of town now. I’m at work, I gotta run, call you later BYE.” And hung up. Just like that. Gave me NO chance to respond at all.

But, respond I did….I texted him “Don’t ever call or text me again, I don’t ever want to talk to you.” I was FUMING. Only because…..I had no reason to believe it. He was right….I didn’t. Because this was reminiscent of all the times in the past. So much for “making it up to me.”

He calls back, defensively saying “What, like its my fault that Bill changed his plans? What am I supposed to do about that? I have no control over that. I can’t believe you are reacting like this, you know I was going to even ask my sister about getting us a hotel room (shes a travel agent) but now if you are going to be like this, forget it.”

Breaking this down:

1) The tease. The lead-on. The build up of anticipation.
2) The let down-but it’s not his fault. And of course, I don’t know his friend, so I can’t verify any of this.
3) I’m “reacting” and not giving him a chance, and immediately “assuming” that he’s up to no good
4) therefore, I don’t “deserve” for him to find an alternative idea
5) I should feel guilty because he thought of an “alternative idea”, but because of my reaction, I now “ruined” it for him.

So, I am the one that is unreasonable, accusing him of lying, accusing him of being full of shit with no proof or evidence, I am expecting him to control the uncontrollable, and because I felt the way I do and I reacted the way I did, I am “denied” now the chance to see him, and I “ruined” it and the whole tone. So now I’m being “punished.”

The weekend never happened, btw.

A normal, non-psycho would’ve called, should this had been true about his friend, and waited until he wasn’t at work to really be able to explain. He would’ve apologized and said something like “I know this sucks, I really want to see you, so why don’t we just get a room, I can talk to my sister about it.”

And I would’ve had NO reason to react then, and we would’ve seen each other.

So, this is how manipulation works. When they want to get out of something, they will subtly do so in a way that makes them blameless, and when they disappoint, they won’t apologize, they will find a way to make it YOUR problem and then they are free to not follow through, because they are now mad at you.

Also notice the absence of patience and understanding that I would react like that, given his history. That it would be reasonable for me to have trust issues with him, and notice that he has no tolerance or awareness or compassion for that.

Very effective, if you are not onto the games. Works like a charm. Did on me. I felt guilty. I felt that I had ‘over-reacted.” He was right….he can’t help what his friend does. He was busy at work, so I didn’t give him a chance to call me later and suggest the hotel before I “reacted.’ And because of that, he’s right, I “over-reacted’ and now I don’t blame him for it being spoiled for him.

And I ended up apologizing to HIM.

Yep, they are THAT good. But now…..we are BETTER. Cuz we figured it out.

Game # 27: Judgement Day

Sometimes to diffuse your anger and “analysis”,( should you still be thinking for yourself at this point), if they feel there is even still a pay- off in being with you-they will subtly turn it around on you by beginning to appear to be more open to your inquiries. Now it’s not so much that you are analyzing them, but rather, that you are “judging” them.

They don’t like to be judged., though they are the first to throw stones at you, and everyone else. When I first noticed my abuser pulling away from me, I told him that I felt he didn’t really want to get to know me anymore. He responded by yelling at me “Well, maybe there are things about you that I see that make me not want to get to know you!“ Not only did this sting my feelings incredibly, but it had me scanning myself, replaying the entire relationship thus far with him in my mind, to see what the hell he could be talking about. We are sleeping together, any argument we’ve had he ends up pursuing me to end-if I am causing him to be bad to me, then why is he continuing to involve himself with me?

Alternately, the barb stung so much, that you just don’t know what to do, other than wonder what it is that he meant, and feeling now as if you need to change. He’s pegged you in that one statement, as being a “bad” person. In some way, shape or form, these men will do this. They will make incredibly hurtful comments that while not traditionally “verbally abusive”, i.e., no name calling, no overt insult-it will be some sort of damaging comment about you, your personality, your lifestyle, your choices-something about YOU that they suggest makes them distant, hesitant or unwilling to give anything in return. This is called “shaming.“

This is especially effective on anyone who grew up in a critical home with very critical parents who also invalidated you or made you feel as you were never good enough, there was always something about you that they didn’t accept. You are now re-living that pain. If not parents, perhaps a prior relationship, or a close friend or even an abusive boss-this hits that delicate nerve that many of us have of “prove yourself worthy to me, because I ain’t seeing it.“

By now, they have you so effectively focused on yourself and your own behaviors, that you aren’t even thinking of theirs anymore. Whether its how you interact with other men, how you think too much and analyze, how you are way too sensitive and how all these things may be causing him to think twice about wanting you-trust me when I tell you that he didn’t just do this once or twice to leave you feeling this low sense of worth. I don’t believe any of us have self esteems that are that low, that one or two flippant and inappropriate comments would send us into this self -analytical abyss. He’s made numerous comments, every time you talk, every time you are together, with every action that is a disappointment, with every excuse given-he has consistently made you feel that there is something wrong with you.

If you fire back and let him know that there are things equally bothering you about him, that is when he defends with the notion that you are "judging" him. He feels judged, he feels that you are too critical of him, and may even say "I'm not on trial here, why should I have to answer to any of this?" or something in a similar vein. When you try to explain that you are the one that has been feeling judged and that he's deeming you unworthy for him in some capacity, that's when he invalidates you and says that you are being ridiculous. However, if you should suggest the same to him-that you are not "judging" him, but rather trying to understand him, then you will get the "Well you ALWAYS do this, say this," etc. He cannot take constructive criticism, he can't take any form of criticism/negativity of him at all, and rather than him seeing that you are pointing out behaviors, words, actions or in-actions that are hurting you or confusing you, all he feels is that you are judging him, and if you "feel this way, why do you even talk to me?"

More crazy-making.

Game #26: Be there, or be square

You want to get closer to him, yet he’s still always “too busy.” When he makes the time for you, he assumes and has an air about him that suggests he really believes that you are just sitting around waiting for him. He doesn’t ask “So what are you doing tonight?“ He will call or text and say “Hi, get your stuff and come over.“

If in fact you are busy yourself when he comes sniffing around, wanting to see you, he will seem offended you aren’t available as his tone grows cold. Either one of two things will happen next: He will either begin to hound you with attention, or, he will “punish” you by disappearing for awhile and then not be available when you offer to see him another time soon. The bombing- you- with- attention comes pretty early in this relationship-because he’s controlling you. He doesn’t see that you are a woman with a life-a job, family or friends that you have plans with and spend time with, he sees this as a challenge and a “chase”. He fears that maybe you aren’t being honest with him, and your plans to have dinner with your best friend for example, is really a date with someone else.

He doesn’t trust you-but he’d never come right out and ask if you are with anyone else. However, he’s also pretty confident that you are not. The game is to control you so that you will always make yourself available to him.

So you may get quite a deal of attention from him if YOU are busy-because if you are with another, he will be able to tell if you don’t text him back right away, call him back shortly or aren’t home early. You will be “punished” for that, if in fact you don’t get back to him right away- but not out in the open. He would never say “I’m feeling insecure, jealous or wondering if you are with another” and rarely would he fly off the handle and make an accusation and go into some jealous tirade. Many abusive men do. But only if given a tangible reason, such as they saw you talking to some man, they saw a picture on a social network site. He knows that he’d seem a bit imbalanced if he were to accuse you of anything simply because you didn’t answer his text right away. Yet that’s what he’s thinking. He is thinking this, because that’s what HE does. When he doesn’t answer your text, your calls, his cell phone is off-it’s a sure bet that he’s up to something that would hurt you, or make you call the whole relationship off. He assumes that everyone else is like him, too. You don’t look under beds, unless you yourself hide there.

Strangely enough, at first you are flattered by this as you think “Aw, he really does like/love and care about me. You see this as his way of showing feelings and love for you, because he seems to be jealous and just won’t come out and say so. You think it’s cute. But trust me-as the relationship progresses and you find yourself intentionally trying to make him jealous in a feeble attempt to get him to see your worth-it will backfire on you, and big time.

He is also manipulating you again: Should you not be available at his beckon call, at the drop of the hat-then you are to be suspected. You are hiding something from HIM. He can’t give you anymore time if he feels that your attention is not towards this relationship. He didn’t think that you were open to other men, that’s why he’s even trying to change the things he needs to so someday you can both take it to a new level he‘ll claim-so if there’s something he should know, he needs to know now, or he’s done with it. He wants to give you the appearance that he’s off somewhere trying to “fix” himself, so when he’s ready, he will come rushing into your life as Prince Charming and sweep you off your feet, and give you what you want. But hey-if you aren’t willing to wait around and be completely devoted to him-he’s not even going to bother to get his life or self together.

He’s now got you feeling that you need to prove to him your intentions towards him-you aren’t that girl that cheated. You aren’t trifling around. You aren’t playing him. You wouldn’t hurt him like that, after all he’s shared. So-you now make sure that whenever you hear from him, you are around-you respond right away, giving him no reason to suspect you or to use that he believes “actions speak louder” against you. That’s his silent dog whistle-that you just ran to. You are now conditioned to respond to him and be available for whenever he pencils in the time to pay attention to you. One more pull on your leash, and the noose-grows a little tighter.

Game #25: Everybody wants him, ya know

He has you hooked in with your desperate attempts to help him, be there for him; You give him what HE needs to be okay. Especially your body. No one is more adept at using sex as a weapon, and it is either his way of apologizing and shutting you up, or yet another avenue of controlling you by withholding it. If your married, he may force it on you, whether you are in the mood or not. This is not a man that likes to be denied HIS wishes, his wants or what he’s asking from you. So he will just take it if possible.

If he doesn’t go that far, he will still punish you with an attitude or simmering anger, saying something mean and hurtful, throwing in your face other women would do what he wants, or is basically being the biggest cry-baby having a temper-tantrum complete with stomping off to his room huffing and pouting-and then accuses YOU of doing this, when he denies YOU.

The fact that you-a beautiful, big hearted, intelligent, often successful woman with wonderful friends, perhaps family, independent and who could do a lot better than him is even giving him the time of day, much less able to be so manipulated by him- that’s his pay off. You are now an epic co-dependant.

His insatiable ego that is a bottomless pit, constantly starving for admiration, attention and to control a woman like you, is all that he is really after. That, and sex. And unfortunately dear sisters-you are probably NOT the only one. Although he may profess with words to the contrary, he makes the suspicion of you really NOT being the only one pretty clear, too-also in subtle ways. He will NEVER admit to seeing other women, sleeping with other women or that he is doing this with others- until you push him too far and then he does so just to hurt you. But if he still wants to play with you then-no, no that might be the thing that finally sets you off and has you leaving. But he will imply, subtly insinuate by comparing you to past loves, suggesting that there are other women who are “Trying to get in, but don’t worry, “YOU’RE in, I just have to put the pieces of the puzzle together that‘s all”.

You will hear from him about all the attention he is receiving from females everywhere-at the job, at the grocery store, that an old girlfriend called him out of the blue- there is always an invisible entourage of females waiting in the wings. He will tell you how his buddies tried to hook him up with some “cute young drunk chick” but that he could only think about you. He will tell you that he ran into someone he “used to want”, but that he only wants you now, instead. If he’s highly attractive, you will believe it. If he meets any of your female friends, he will again-subtly suggest that they are hot or sexy, attractive or successful in someway, has something you don’t- and you then become insecure-no matter how much you trust your girlfriends.

Yet conversely, he’s not okay with any attention you may be getting from men. In fact, the subject never comes up from him. He never asks. He’s never curious. Then he will “test” you with an outrageous question such as “So who’s been tasting your sweet lips lately?” You better be sure you answer “No one, my lips are only for you”-because if you didn’t, all hell would break loose. He wouldn’t get outwardly angry. He wouldn’t start calling you a slut or a tease or “break up with you.” He would however either speak of some other woman, and that’s how you will learn you are not the only one, or he will straight up ignore you. By making plans to see you, then blowing you off. “Punishing” you.

Of course there is no other for you, because you were under the impression that you and he had something special, and you are “waiting” for him to get his shit together, to offer you the promises of what he’s made to you to come to fruition. So you wouldn’t answer this question with an affirmative. Yet. Eventually, you WILL “test” him yourself, by trying to make him jealous. If you haven’t stooped to this game yet, then let me warn you now: Don’t go there. Oh, it will work. He WILL get jealous. And you will get emotionally spanked-and hard. Again, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you see others, then you are not worth getting himself together for, why should he bother, and he will hurt you with information concerning other women trying to get into his life. If you make it seem that you only have eyes for him, he will think that you are a doormat, easily controlled and that he’s “got” you like that, and his respect level for you will plummet…if it can get any lower than it already is. He will see you as “too easy”, not enough of a “challenge”-yet if you weren’t “easy”, then he’d be angry with you. He really doesn’t want the chase. What he wants is impossible to give….but that doesn’t stop us from trying.

Game #24: Fuck Buddies

By now, his distance, contradictions, passive-aggressive behavior (and I will get more into passive-aggressive behavior later) has you wondering if he just doesn’t have the balls to end it with you. Maybe he doesn’t know how, doesn’t want to hurt you, or he’s too afraid of commitment. So you actually hand to him a way to end it with you, if that’s what he’s really looking for.

You do this by becoming the “cool girl.” You offer him yourself now without the commitment. You think maybe he just doesn’t want to tell you that he’s changed his mind about you, and because he’s already been so contradictory in word and now action, you just want to know for sure how he feels about you. You are essentially, insecure about where you stand with him.

You are now making it easy for him to dump you. You want to buffer the blow and give him permission to break your heart, because what you don’t see realistically, is if he were a good man, he’d go ahead and break your heart and tell you honestly that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you and would like to date others. He is telling you that, but in a very passive -aggressive way. Of course he’s not going to ever be direct about his feelings and wants, needs,-because then you may decide that you have your own wants, feelings and needs that differ and go counter against what he wants you to feel. In other words, if he was honest and direct,-you might stop sleeping with him, giving him stuff, being with him altogether. This is part of his controlling you.
Whatever your reasons -you gave him an out. You gave him the chance to say “I like you, I like being with you, but I don’t see it going anywhere.“ You suggested that he may not lose you entirely over that, that you were willing to accept you both seeing other people and dating others if he’s not ready for a serious relationship. In the back of your mind, you are hoping that by being this “cool chick”, he will notice your cool factor and become totally devoted to you for being the cool one. Not seeing that he is the one who is being very UNCOOL.

He still insists-“It’s not like that“. He does feel for you. He does see you as more than a casual affair. “Let’s just say this is more than just a piece of ass to me and leave it at that” he will tell you. He can see himself going in all the way with you and he wants to be sure, he exclaims. He knows the two of you “fit.” Even refers to you that way sexually-you are his “perfect fit.”
Thus, you believe him because a) You want to, it IS what you want to hear and what you want from him and b) You want to, it IS what you want to hear and what you want from him. He sucks you in so quickly and things go so fast, that you don’t even step back and see how odd this is, and that you have essentially given him a commitment and a promise to him, yet he has not done the same back….maybe he hasn’t even taken you out to dinner yet. He only implies this “commitment” and “relationship” by saying that he “doesn’t want anyone else but you.” Then acts and says subtle contradictory things to that. If he thinks there’s something you want to hear, he’ll say it-then just as quickly seems to renege on it all. Seems to have doubts. More contradictions. Contradictions that will come full force, the longer you stay involved.

You are infatuated, you want to give him a chance, you want to believe his excuses at face value, and you want to believe that you aren’t being used for sex and that you mean more to him than some casual encounter. He will tell you that you know him better than most-and you actually think that you DO know him, given how much sensitive information he seems to share with you about him. You’ve released any pressure you believe he might be feeling about you, by suggesting that you could be casual, date others, it’s not a big deal, you aren’t that involved, it’s okay if he is honest and lets you down easy. You can take it.

Here’s another part of that game: He knows this isn’t the case. No matter how much you try and bs yourself, he knows that you couldn’t handle just being a friend with benefits. You’re past that point and you’ve been way more intimate than any fuck buddy would be. So, he’s afraid you may in fact come to realize that yourself -that you can‘t handle just being a bed partner-and hence, stop sleeping with him. He’s not risking that. And most importantly here-if he were to say that’s all he is really looking for, then he also has to run the risk of sharing you with other men, and you leaving him for someone else, or simply ending it with altogether. He doesn’t get rejected. He does the rejecting. He didn’t lie to you when he said he doesn’t like to share. So he won't "agree" to casually dating you, even though he has no intentions of committing really, to you now-or maybe even ever.

He will never give YOU the option of leaving him, for any reason. He knows you won’t be able to sustain a “casual” deal-he sees that you are already sucked in, no matter how much you may protest different. He knows you think you are “in love”, even if you’ve never said a word to him. So, the only way to continue to have control over you and get whatever he wants until he meets someone else or is bored with you-is to keep you in this game.

Hopefully, he won’t throw back in your face later when he remembers you willing to give him this “out” that you must have something wrong with you being able to just have “fuck buddies.” That’s a guy thing. Girls who do that in his mind-there’s something wrong with them. Even though it’s thanks to girls like that, that he even gets laid all the time. For now though, he’s convinced you that it’s YOU he wants to be that great man to, you are the one he wants to be with. He only wants to be with you. You know this seems odd as hell-but again, you let it slide. This could also be used against you at a later date, if you suspect him of being with another, and/or hear through the grapevine, and/or he lets it slip in subtle ways (examples provided later)-and then he will remind you that you were "Cool" with seeing others and that "he never committed." More head spinning and stomach turning for you.

So, now that his words have convinced you of his intent and love for you, he will begin to accept every good thing you set out and/or continue to do for him. But he is distance, and isn’t as available to you. If he did take the plunge and you now live together-there’s a distance. He’s absent a lot. And you sit back with the patience of a saint, just giving him ‘time.’

Sex and the psycho: The Finale (for now)

Two truism about abusive men: They are either highly above-average looking, or-they are very plain. Period. Even the plain ones though, have a charisma that is difficult for all to resist-they have to, to be so manipulative.

Also true, is that your abuser will seem to be a "prude" on the outside. He will say and act as if he hasn't experimented much sexually. He will claim he has moments of opportunity, but for whatever reasons-("shyness" he'll tell you, being the main reason)- he never followed through. He pretends as if he hasn't experienced much in the way of anything 'kinky'-that he's over all, pretty "vanilla" when it comes to sex. Yet at the same time, he's alluded to having MANY lovers: "I've had over 50 one night stands, that's not what I'm about, I want something real"or "You and I have fucked them all, want our lust to show us both that this is something real". Or in the case of one abuser I lived with, you will discover an entire dresser drawer filled with condoms and business cards for strippers.

Its hard to believe that they are so "missionary" in their experiences, especially when they start telling you about their fantasies. And boy, are they kinky. And you dear sister, is the one he wants to realize them all with-no one else will do. Ha.

Because they make it seem that there are actually many things they haven't done sexually that they want to try-you might feel enthusiastic as well to experiment with him, because he tells you he wants you to be his "first." This for the most part is manipulative bullshit. They've had more weird sexual encounters than you, me and Paris Hilton combined, but they still play the "innocent, prude "I've never done that" card when talking about their fantasies. You would be the first. As you have already supposedly been the first to them in some way-my biggest abuser went so far as to suggest that I was really the first women he ever really "sexted" with. He was certainly a natural then, because his writing and "sexting" was fantastic. I will give him that.

Its incredible how retrospect works. The porn he’s into (or not into) what his fantasies are (and when he’s under the influence of something-he’ll tell you) and the fact for as much talk as they have-in bed, they really aren’t that great. We think it’s great, because the “high” we are on, the intensity of him finally showing us a smattering of attention and desire-but really, his needs came first with that, he only went out of his way to please you and make it “about you” when it was the beginning and he was trying to suck you in, or when he feels he may be losing you.

For the most part, these guys are lights out, missionary style where you feel more that they are masturbating with you as a prop, as opposed to being concerned about your pleasure as well. I believe it’s only after he has married a woman, that his perverse side or his “kinky” side may come out full force, unless he feels he can get you to do "stuff" without any commitment. That is a challenge for him that he enjoys.

Most narcissist prefer masturbating anyway according to the experts-but love to use women as a prop. This is why the computer, text messaging, phone sex are all so appealing to this type-he doesn’t want to be bothered with satisfying you. You’d better make it clear to him however, that his sex games are doing just that for you. And for awhile-they probably are.

If you are attracted to him, find him sexy and desirable-this can be great and passionate foreplay for couples. Unfortunately, the real thing barely adds up to the expectations-and that’s if he isn’t just sadistically teasing you and leading you on, just to end up frustrating you and disappointing you in the end. You will also notice that in these virtual encounters, that he is able to manipulate quite a bit from you-pictures, for example-that he in turn, doesn't really provide as much. He holds out a lot longer than you, and he could have pictures of every angle of your body while you may have one or two. If that.

His game is to build up your desire to such a degree that you will put up with quite a bit, just to get even that need satisfied…and should you suggest to him that if he doesn’t, you will find someone who will- expect to be hurt more than you ever imagined possible. From blaming you for any performance problems, to throwing in your face that he’s got other lovers-this is an arena that if you don’t want to know, don’t ask, don’t push, and be prepared for what you get. Is it any wonder we are left to wonder if he truly even enjoys sex with women?

Now this is not because they don’t sexually perform or seem interested in women. On the contrary, most of these men are “players” and are extremely spoiled, because their above average looks gains them a lot of female (or male) attention. They don’t have to work very hard for sex-if at all. Women throw themselves at them, and make it very easy for these guys to “get into the pants.” They are so accustomed to this, that you know that any woman that gives them “chase”-whether they are that attracted physically to her or not-is going to get their attention the most. They are highly promiscuous and not very selective. They’ve slept with younger women, older women, big girls, tall girls, short girls, ethnic girls or married women-they are sex addicts. But its not the sex they are addicted to-it’s the power. As my abuser said, he really doesn't "want to have to work for it."

One thing they will really pressure you to have, or at least talk incessantly about, is having a three-some. They reassure you that you would never be made to feel like number two, they tell you that they don’t think they’d be able to pull themselves away from you-but if you’ve given in and done this, you will discover that is not the case. They’ve now abused you by proxy. The abuser I was with professed a big desire for this. Fortunately, it never happened. He did however relay a story to me of a woman he was dating, that finally came up with the courage to do so, showed up at his door with a hot friend-and he turned her away, because “there were kids in the house.” She never talked to him again. Must’ve been the final straw for her.

These men love to deny women that are coming onto them. Again, it’s power. If he has to pursue a woman, or he desires her enough to seduce her, it is still only on his terms and should she want him-he is never available. Even if your relationship with him is purely sexual-if you call him for that “late night booty call”-he’s never around. He won’t even play for text sex or virtual sex-if you initiate it. But when he comes a calling, you’d better always be available, in the mood, and take care of servicing him. One of the red flags I didn’t see with the narcissist I was with, was that he seem astounded at the fact that he actually wanted me and was willing to sexually pursue me. Something I think he ended up hating me for. I had some power over him, which is part of why he was so bad to me.

You wish you had known all this, as you were one of the women that may have given into his seductive, manipulative sexy ways to get you into bed right away. But, you didn’t, and it didn’t matter even if you DID give chase, because they’d still end up treating you like crap. Abusive men don’t magically become non-abusive just because you made them wait awhile for sex. They will however, make you feel badly if you didn't. They will subtly suggest that by you being so "easy" for them, that it killed something in them-mainly their trust in you. Never mind the hypocrisy that they slept with you right away also-remember, with these men, "It's different for guys" is one of their mantras.

So stop berating yourself for giving in too soon. He wants you to feel that way-that you must be “easy” or a “slut”, because you didn’t make him work for it. On the contrary-even if you did- they would’ve “punished” you in some way for making them have to “work” for it, to have to lift a finger and make much of an effort after all. Women flock to them-not the other way around.

And they will typically go back to former lovers and flames-because they know those are a safe bet, and a greater challenge to prove “he’s changed.” He has experience in manipulating them and knows them. Better narcissistic supply. A strange woman usually won’t be approached because she could reject him. So only a woman who’s made it exceptionally obvious will “get in.”

This is why they tend to gravitate towards women who have been drinking, or who strip or use sex to get male attention themselves. He will make no effort at all to be a part of your world and interest, makes you feel inferior all the time, yet he is willing to stick his penis in you. If you say as much, it’s the “Well, I’m a guy. Its different for guys” mentality again. Or worse, accuse YOU of being the tease, playing the sex card, dangling it in front of him, and that you made yourself easy and asked for it. You were toying with him-and he was just taking from you what you kept seducing him with. Apparently, some men can have sex with women they don’t even respect or like-for years. You have just been rendered a long time prostitute with this attitude, one that never even got paid.

We end up fantasizing not about the sex, but of him holding us in his arms, kissing us, loving us, "making love" to us. Which is why if he's not able to perform, if he is a quick shooter, if he is selfish and we leave unsatisfied-we don't care. We want the "love". We are totally love starved. When we do see him such a build up of passion and memories of the beginning, coupled with any virtual suggestions he's made, makes us anticipate him like a drug addict. That's the Love Hit that we are craving and jonesing for, and his scarcity intensifies it. One game he's mastered, is "hard to get." We end up equating sex with him as passion-because its just easier than dealing with the reality that he is controlling us, manipulating us and covertly sexually abusing us as well. He may be gorgeous. He may be totally sexy. But he's a "cold fish" in bed essentially, WE are the ones that bring the fire and passion to the table. Like everything else, they just "promise" it. Rarely deliver. Its also why make-up sex with them can be so hot; when we are angry and they feel they might be losing us, that's when they really make an effort. That's when they give us what we want. Totally backasswards, as usual.

Sex and the psycho, part 3

Could he be gay??

Another weird trait of narcissistic men, is that often the women involved with them end up questioning their sexuality. The man’s, not their own….(although many a woman after an encounter with one feel that becoming a lesbian may be the way to go.) I can think of 5 narcissistic men off the top of my head, that people suspected could be gay. And with the ones that I was involved with-yes, that was a question.

I remember a "girlfriend" confronted the first narcissist of a man I was dating while I was in his home. She showed up pounding on his door at 2am, barged her way in, and caught him in a lie.

He had told her NOT to come by over the weekend, because he had “family” coming into town. Judging by the nightie I was in, she could clearly see that if I was family, I was some seriously close kin. I had no knowledge that she existed.

As she ranted and raved and tried to warn me, one of the things she exclaimed was “And, I think that he could be gay!” At the time, I did laugh at that-because he seemed to be a lot of things, but gay was not one of them. But after knowing him for three years, hearing his sob stories of HIS life, and just basic observations of my own-I had to conclude that I wondered the same thing. Of course when she left-he just went on to bitch of how crazy, psycho and whacked she is, and “You gotta believe me” as he cried crocodile tears of how much he didn’t want to lose me. The next day, when she left a letter on his car-he let me read it, and I knew she was anything but crazy.

Didn’t stop me from continuing contact with him-unfortunately-but, I didn’t exactly side with him. And man, did I pay for THAT one. He was super pissed at ME, because I took anything she had to say seriously. I wasn’t “standing by my man”. So while you may not be able to save another female from the talons of these creeps-you will at least know that when she gets it from him, she’ll look back on you and “wish she had listened” and in that sense, you are vindicated and validated.

Anyway, the question of his sexuality comes into play very often and usually your sex life with him also raises some red flags to him that again you ignore. I mean they can have a best friend who is a gay man -hello! And we take it as, “Oh, isn’t that great? He’s not homophobic. He’s secure in his sexuality.” Truth is, he may not be gay in an emotional sense, but if he can extract the power of sex in that arena as well, he will. Male or female, no matter-he will seduce anyone that he feels he can get something from. Typically, he is attractive enough that people may just assume he is gay, and certainly, it is not only women that approach him.

In any event, if you have ever wondered if your partner is gay, you are not alone. It’s not a dumb question; men with this sort of misogyny, anger and seeming contempt for women, one answer that makes sense is that he could be hiding his sexuality and for whatever reasons feels he must closet it. Maybe he resents family, society or himself for doing this so-thus taking it out on us. Its just one of many “answers” we look at to determine why he treats us as he does, why he seems to “hate” us. At this point, you’d love him to just be gay-come out of the closet, take you to a pride parade and become your best friend.

Sex and the psycho, part 2

No Glove, No Love

These men hates condoms. A big reason they don’t like to wear condoms is, it isn’t about a nicer sensation without it. It is in fact, the “power” to implant “themselves” inside a female.

If he thinks he can get away with it-he will not use one with you. If you are like me and hypnotized by his spell cast on you, you will take this as a sign of his fidelity and his trust in you and commitment. That he must really care, and especially when he thinks its romantic that you will have him dripping out of you all day, or him lining the insides of your uterus, or he can look at you in a crowded room of men and know that you have HIM all up in your grill. He will tell you things like that.

However those are the real reasons. Its’ about him. He is so power hungry that he will risk getting you pregnant, or catching a sexually transmitted disease, because it turns him on that his seed is germinating somewhere near your cervix. He also implies at the time, that having a love child with you wouldn’t be so bad, that he would never abandon you or said child if you should happen to get pregnant. Some abusers actually try to get females pregnant, because it is even more power for them-and ensures at least 18 more years of having someone around to wield power and control, and gain supply from. Conversely, and sadly, some women feel that having his child might in fact, change him, and that he will do the right things by her and for his child, the child being the impetus for him to change.

However, with many abusers, if you are only dating and your relationship has not reached the level of “boyfriend/girlfriend commitment”, if you were to ever get pregnant or have a pregnancy scare-watch how fast he tries to talk you out of having said child. He’s all about him inside you, but watch how much he doesn’t want to watch part of him running around outside you. Naturally, you too are risking it if you are not on birth control and with the way he is, the risk factor for STD’s is high, but you are like Alice in Wonderland right now and take the whole thing as you two are that together.

He could then turns this around on you, and say that it bothers him and he doesn’t like the fact that you are let him sleep with you without a condom! He thinks YOUR crazy for it. Granted, if you knew the truth of him you are…but when you point out that he’s being a hypocrite- he shuts you down. And if he suddenly goes from not wearing condoms with you to insisting that you do-that could be a sign that there is someone else in his life that he is out to control. If you should suddenly realize that he may not be honest and start insisting on condoms, he will either a) get angry that you don't trust him or b) accuse YOU of sleeping around. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Like with everything else concerning your psycho.

Sex and the Psycho, Part One

Well, time to dive into this one, because with a psycho and in your relationship to him, sex is a VERY large part of it. In fact, you could say that it feels like the foundation of it, because truly, this seems to be all he wants from us. Or money. In no other area of your relationship with him, will he exert more power and control than with sex and your intimacy. Here is Part one, of what to expect in your sex life with a psycho. Fair warning: Going to be getting candid and graphic in these next few postings. But the truth must be told.

Sex, this is probably one of the greatest arenas for a psychological abuser to abuse and have it also inflict the most damage. Ladies, please be honest with yourselves about the sex, also. Is it really the most amazing sex you’ve ever had? Was that really your “hook”? Lots of women I know with men like this, never reach an orgasm with them. They don’t climax. This is because these men are just as selfish in bed as they are everywhere else. They really don’t care if you “cum” or not. The only time they make an effort to please you, is if in fact, they are hooking you in....usually in the beginning when you meet, or when he's trying to suck you back in. No pun intended.

Usually they can be very skilled in some area-because that is part of their game. They will break out with this particular skill the first time you are together-and you are hooked-and then seem to not be so into pleasing you that way again. However, he will keep reminding you of certain times of your lovemaking where he pleasured you this way, and "teases" you with it.

And they do offer an “animalistic” approach to love-making and sometimes as women, we want that domination, so it can be erotic. Sometimes, we also sexualize our pain that he makes us feel emotionally. Treat us like shit in bed-at least we get some pleasure with that, just stop doing it to us emotionally. I should’ve seen the sign the first time I had sex with a man that turned abusive- that time when he told me “You’re the kind of person I want in my house. I am really intuitive and you are the kind of person I want to be with, you deserve to get laid.”

Yes, he actually said that. In one small statement “You deserve to get laid/fucked/head-whatever it is, the implication is “don’t do anything that might make it so you don’t deserve sex when you want it.” Basically, men like this make you feel that you have to prove and show that you are a human being and not a complete maggot.

“Lovemaking” is usually met with frustration because you can feel a disconnect with them. You could make love to this man a thousand times, and recall only one time he actually “made love” to you. You take that one time as a sign that he really does love you underneath all of the ego and fear. He doesn’t. Who the hell knows why you got that one tender night of actually looking you in your eyes and smiling? Of connecting? No doubt it was to further cement his power over you.

That’s brainwashing. That’s sadistic torture. They work it by: Deny you, cutting you down, demean you, bemoan you, withhold-then give in a little. The one on the receiving end of this abuse (you)will be so hungry and loved-starved, so needing anti-abuse, that these rare times of seeming normal "lovemaking" will be raised to a pedestal it never deserved to be on. You ferociously cling to these “tender” moments and “caring” bones that he throws, the same way someone who is literally being held hostage finds love and care in a captor that allows them to use the bathroom without killing them. This is part of relationship "Stockholm Syndrome" which will be written about later on.

Most other times in bed, he’s either “Wham bam thank you ma’m” or, he’s doing you from behind so he doesn’t even have to associate with you at all.

If there is no impotency problem, then he’s a quick shooter and makes no attempt to wait it out for a few and try again. When he’s done, he’s done, and so they are even able to withhold and frustrate you sexually while having sex with you. But God forbid you let onto you feeling that way. Don’t ever suggest that you aren’t satisfied. They will turn this around on you faster than the time it takes for them to climax.

Conversely, if he’s taking too long to the point of your own physical discomfort-if you make him stop, he will, very annoyed and irritated, suggest that you just weren’t turning him on enough to finish the job. Without directly saying so. It will be something to the effect of “Well maybe if you showed a little more enthusiasm, or moved better, or acted sexier“….again, it’s your fault.

If he is having problems getting an erection, he will turn it around on you by suggesting “you don’t get wet, do you?” He is hoping by doing all of the above, that you will then be beeched by your own insecurities or your attractablity and sexual abilities to please, that you will totally defocus from his obvious sexual dysfunctions.

Or, eventually, after sexually loading you up with confidence, he will puncture that balloon by flat out saying that his impotency is because of you. Even if you’ve had the patience of Dr. Ruth, the compassion of Mother Teresa and even went so far as to order Extenze off late night TV….(not because he needs it of course, you would never be so insensitive to suggest)- but because it’s supposed to enhance HIS pleasure. No matter how delicately, sensitively and understanding you are to him and any of his problems-it all boils down to you being the cause of his problems...yes, even his sexual ones.


If he withholds sex from you, typically after teasing you and getting you hot and bothered, it will be for usually these reasons:

1.You’ve accused him of just wanting to use you for sex, and he” doesn’t want you to feel that way” but then makes no attempts to actually show you that you mean more to him than just sex...so he'll say "Fine, we won't have sex then, if you think I'm using you." Or, he will come over, tease you and say "I don't want to have sex with you tonight because I don't want you to end up laying here thinking I'm using you for sex."

2) He will feed you some line like “I’ve been thinking. I am afraid to have sex with you, because I am afraid that I will just want to keep having sex with you forever.” If you should ask him what that means, or why he feels afraid-why would he have to stop if his true intention is to be with you like he's suggested, you know, once he’s over all the excuses why he really isn't-he just rolls his eyes and gives you a look suggesting you should know better than to ask that, and thus, has answered that question. (The real intent here to distract you and make you wonder if he is reconsidering you being “the only one I want to be with.”)

3) He thinks it would be “tacky” and “not appropriate” given the state of your relationship or-

4) He plays the whole “I want this to mean more, I don’t want to be used for some meaningless sex"- and twists it to make you feel that he questions your true interests and motives in him.

Or, he pulls the classic “I have a headache” routine. The same man-may at different points, do ALL of the above. He has done quite a bit of damage here; Denied your desires. Lead you on, gave you the female equivalent of “blue balls”, feigns actually caring about sex being a part of love, leading you to believe he’s a romantic, that he doesn’t want you to feel used, so therefore, he’s sensitive to your feelings-all this, but the reality is- he’s withholding as power over you.

This isn’t happening before the first time you’ve ever had sex. This is happening after you two have got it on quite a bit….even if just virtually, and he’s doing this quite a bit. Unless he's horny. Then you better be in the mood, desire him fully-and if you have a headache, take an asprin. Cause he's "cumming", whether you like it or not. Stayed tuned for more of his sex games to come.