Game # 10: Love is the drug A MUST READ

He is now beginning to play the game of "cat and mouse." After your arguments, he shows up or entices with suggestive texts, phone calls or what have-you-for some make up sex. Of course, the sex is awesome, right? He seems to be able to show his "love" for you via the bedroom, and you are all too happy to comply.

Guess what is happening here? Your own brain is working against you. Endophrines are released in your brain-like Dopamine, for example-with each of these "kiss and make-up" trysts. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter in the brain that is the addictive component to drugs. Are you following me here? This hit and quit that he does-shows up for some passionate lovemaking, throws in the "i'm sorry's" I will try harders-make you wanting for more. HE KNOWS IT. But this is no mere playing "hard to get". This is intentional, this is purposeful, and YES this can happen if you are married to him. He will often deny you sex, or, he will "give in", which you greedily lap up like a drug addict taking in a hit. You are being preened to become a Pavol's dog of sorts....where sex is now something you come to crave, because it represents all that you want from him: Approval, love, acceptance, "good." In time, he will have you so "conditioned" and "trained", that you may find yourself doing things sexually with and for him, you never thought you'd do. All while believing this is the best sex of your life.

This is especially effective if in the beginning of your relationship, you had ALOT of sex. He then isn't giving it out as much. Or he's teasing you, or he's too tired....he's witholding it. So now, when you get your 'crack hit of dick", you are even more pliable putty in his hands.

You realize, you don’t even sleep with him as often, or see him as often.  This is the “hook.” And it’s the same thing as addiction. These bread crumbs of bullshit that have you following his lead, these moments of tenderness, these tiny glimpses of seeming normality, vulnerability or a heart and soul that you get-is like a high.  During the high, you no longer question it all. You fully accept his explanations, you are “tripping” essentially that this “good man underneath it all” is who he really is, and you feel hope, promise and happiness that if you hold out, you will get more. You are his lab rat. You hang onto any feeble compliment he’s been able to give you, even though if you are honest with yourself, you realize that the compliments are mostly sexual in nature. He wants you to feel secure with that, (though watch how you are around other men)-so you will give him more of it. He has no problem “feeding your ego” in this manner-for now-because that’s the card he hopes you will play. This is further complicated by your own brain releasing these chemicals during these times.

    So far, you’ve only been able to manage being sexually satisfying to him-and now you are even wondering that- so of course, you are going to continue to do so and be bound and determined to hold onto that card. And now with this “high”, you are distorted, inebriated, under the influence, intoxicated-and of course, it feels good. It’s a relief, like an emotional Vicodin for the emotional pain he causes. A moment of being pain-free. So of course, when the pain comes back, you hold out for the promise of more “Emotional Vicodin.” Like an addict, he keeps you wanting more, with you denying the effect its having on your life, not seeing how it is destroying your health, your looks, your sanity, you think you “need him”, you think you “want him” and you wait and wait for another moment of him getting you “high.”

    And guess what? He knows it. That’s the game. Which is why if you stop calling him, texting him, stop seeing him or threatening to divorce him, and imploring with him like you would a dealer when you have a little money and a BIG craving-he will offer the hit to remind you of what your missing.

Like a drug using friend who doesn’t want to see you get clean, they will say “Hey, you are upset, come on, I got some stuff. A little more won’t hurt you. You don’t need to quit, just control it more. You don’t have a problem.” Or ,“You don’t really want to leave me, do you? I know you care about me/love me.”  If you should suggest that yes, but you don’t know if he feels the same, he will roll his eyes and answer it with a “Would I put up with all this bullshit and crazy crap if I didn’t?” Would I go through this all for sex? I can get sex anywhere.”  Would I be married to you if I didn’t love you? Again, you are given the implied threat that there are other women willing to please and service him, you should feel flattered and honored that he’s picking you. Notice the subtly of how he’s being a martyr-this “crazy crap” is certainly not coming from him.  If you still aren’t sure or you argue that point- he’ll go further.

     He might do that in a way like, “I know I gave you reason to be upset. I know I have treated you like shit. You don’t deserve this. C’mon can’t you just forget about it and forgive me? I want you to get past this so we can be together. It’s not you, its my problems, you have done no wrong!”-until next time, when the “come down” happens, when you “crash”-and he devalues you again. He raises you up, just to throw you down. The back forth/up and down/hot and cold/tit for tat/cat and mouse/ignore and chase/love and hate/soothe and abuse cycle is all he can offer you. Any resemblance to a real, loving relationship is purely coincidental and lasts very briefly. Like a drug high.

Believe me, I will cover "sex with the psycho" much more indepth. At this point though, he's got you believing its the best in the world. Yet another spell cast.